Friday, December 30, 2011

Exhaustion


Every single day I've went to work.  Came home on my split and went to bed.  Went back to work 3 hours later.  Came home from work 4-5 hours later and went to bed.  Nearly every single evening I've been in bed by 8:30pm at the latest.  Most evenings even before that.  It is 9:10pm and I'm dying.  Serious....I feel like I am going to pass out I am sooooooo exhausted.

Did I mention......I'm exhausted. 

Physically exhausted.

I'm headed to bed.  I report to work at 6:57am.  That seems SOOOO late to me.  Most days I'm reporting at 5:00 or 5:20am.  That extra hour and half will be wonderful in the realm of sleeping!!

Then again, it was freezing rain on my way home and that may require that leave early.  Anyway I look at it....I still get to sleep in.

Oh' the joys of having a "late" day.



Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Slippery Slope

Several days of pretty ok days.  Fleeting moments here and there.  And then the sliding begins. 

I don't want to talk to anyone.
I don't want to see anyone.
I don't want to drag my ass out of bed at 3:30am to go to work.
I am trapped.
There is no choice in the matter. I have 2 look and talk to people.  That is my job.  I have to get ot of bed bc I will loose my job if I don't.   And today....as I'm sliding down the slippery slope....it is hard, VERY HARD, to just not say f*ck it and stay in bed.  When I'm done with my morning shift....I will slide right back nto bed. 

Monday, December 26, 2011

opps

My last post...posted by mistake.  Ugh. I hate it when my keyboard hiccups and enter is pushed.

When I Least Expect It

((EDITED: hit enter before I was done)

Overall, I've had several good days.  There have been moments and even hours that have been tough.  That is life.  We all....regardless of whether you struggle with depression or any sort of mental health illness....will have tough moments in life.  And in those moments, I try to remind myself...that this is what life is all about.

The longer/more good days I have the less I tend to panic when those bad moments /days hit.  And then there are moments like tonight..where I'm hit.  Unexpected.  And there is only one way out. It is in those moments that I find myself more vulnerable.  And those are the moments that tend to scare me the most. 

This evening, I spent a rather long time stopped along side the interstate.  Rational enough that I knew I needed to pull over; compose myself and continue on home.  Yet, irrational enough that it took me a very long time to "continue" on.  I knew at that moment if I countined to keep driving....it would be ugly. I attempted making a few calls to people I knew would distract me from the inevitable.  Instead; I sat for quite sometime. I didn't continue on on my own.  I had a State Trooper stop and see if I needed help.  Dear Lord, I wanted to say something more than "Sir, I pulled over because I needed to call and text someone."  He made a comment that nothing is that urgent and he knew by my plates I wasn't far from home.  I responded with a "yes, sir...I know I'm close to home.  However, I needed to compose myself. It is a tad hard to drive and have a good cry at the same time".  I assured him I would soon be on my way.  And that I indeed was okay.  He offered to check up on me in a little while at my home.  And I reassured him that it was best if he didn't.  PTSD would rear it's ugly head if a police officer came to our door...for both of my children.  I gave him my DL and cell number and welcomed him to call but please do not stop by my house.....

I received a call a few short minutes ago..

Friday, December 23, 2011

I'm trying to be nice....

...however, it isn't working very well.  I just told my dh he needs to go to WalFart or Targe' in the am before all the other grinchy people go buy the rest of the mistletoe's. 


You see....
I need a Mistletoe for Christmas Day.
So that when I get crabby and stressed and panic driven (it isn't even Sunday and I'm aleady about to stress the hell out) I can stick the mistletoe in my back pocket and tell my SIL to kiss my ever loving fat @ss!

I warned you...I was trying to be nice.  I lost my nice-ness about an hour ago on my way home from work.  I sat in my car crying to be very honest.

I have been very glad that Sunday is my scheduled day off and that I did not have to work.  However, I'm kind of wishing that I did.  Not only would it be a big money making day for me.  It would get me away from the stress of having to many people at my home when I am really not in a place to have them all here. 

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Insomnia SUX

SUX folks.
FREEKING SUX.
If I didn't have to work at 5am....
I would take something...anything....I'm freeking desparate.
I will not be able to take a nap in between my work shifts in the morning.
I have a therapy appt and a chiro appt.  Lord only knows I need the chiro appt. My fat ass when flying on a bunch of rocks yesterday...thus one of the reasons why I'm awake bc I hurt. Everywhere.
The other....stressing. Over chit I can't control. Like my mom making stupid comments about my brother being depressed.  Telling me my "Saving for Therapy" banks are politically incorrect.  Fuck that. I didn't tell her to take them to work.  Quite honestly, I've think one of those lil' banks woudl look very cute in a therapist office. I think I should give my mom one for Christmas and tell her she should put it in her office.  Her patients might think it was cute.  Or not. I don't really give a crap.

Holy hell I'm tired. 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Marriage, Meds, Musings

I need a reminder why it is that I've been married for nearly 18 years.  The man, I love him to death some days.  And other days, such as yesterday and today....not so much.

And then I find pictures such as the one below and think...my psychiatrist really doesn't know WTH she is talking about.  She has no clue that I really do need medication to help control the urge to beat the living hell out of someome....such as the man I'm married to.

Needless to say, I do believe a domestic violence charge against me would probably end up costing my job.  I can't afford that right now.

Then again, the picture below.....is yet another reminder my psychiatrist really doesn't know WTH she is talking about.  She has no clue that I really do need medication to help control the urge to beat the living hell out of someone...such as the customer that hit my bus w/her cane today bc I wouldn't stop for her.  Better yet, the customer that was so effn falling down drunk he couldn't follow simple directions until I freeked out and started screaming.  I didn't have anything to throw...or I might have thrown something at him.  (Just ask my dh....he learned the hard way last night.)


Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Freak Out

Somewhere on my computer I have a picture that says:

"Freak Out and Throw Shit"

Yeah, that picture would require me to look for it; in order to include it to this post.

That would be about where I'm at...at the precise moment.  Actually, I'm laying in bed blogging on my phone.

However, a little bit ago someone freaked the hell out and threw shit.   Not a stellar moment on my day that is for sure.

Onry

At the group that I attend on Monday evenings I was told last night that I was being onry.  The therapist that said it was spot-on!!  It took all my ability not to tell her "you think!"

Instead, I didn't say a word. 

I'm still onry.
I'm still snarky.
I'm in one of those funks where I want to pick a fight.

I have no more days off until Sunday.

Sunday is Christmas.

I have not wrapped even ONE present.  I have no desire to wrap ANY presents.  I have earings and  necklaces that need to be finished. 

Quite frankly, I don't give a crap.

My heart sunk into a pit of grief on Sunday evening as I was asked several times by a small town cashier if I was ___'s Mom.  I'm not ___'s mom anymore.  And many days, I am able to talk about it, say no, stand up for myself and just not let it effect me.  If the gal would not have continued to insist that I was his mom, I wouldn't have been bothered.  However, as the last couple days have transpired.  It has stung a lil bit more.  Like opening a bottle of salt and pouring it on an open wound. 

My 9 year old stood up for me.  Looking at me and then at the cashier of the 'small town restraunt' and told her "You really should mind your own business and stop being nosey.  My mom gets pissed off when people are nosey."  (Or something like that).  Bless his lil heart.

Then last nights topic at group...just opened that wound up a lil bit more.  "What is it that you value in life?"  And what are you doing to "make those values" be top priority. 

One of the top things that I value is parenting.  And parenting hasn't been the most positive events in my life.  Sure, my bio children are attached, secure, and beautiful young people.  The oldest, adopted child....well not so much.  Having been judged and ridiculed by everybody from my own parents, in-laws, siblings, other family members and then nearly every.single.professional person involved...judged me.  Not my husband. Me. 

And today; that hurts. 

A.L.O.T.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Warning:

If I could click my heels together...I would gladly
 demonstrate how I think this should be done. Since, I can not do that...I will just post a picture that makes me want to laugh.  Laughing is good.  Or so I'm told. 

The universe my employer is f*ck'n with me.  Tons and tons of big little things that add up to be BIG things.  Enough to make me want to sit here....on my couch...and not return to work this afternoon.

However, my husband might not be very happy with that come pay day.  And, it might end up with me telling him to click his heels and get a job.

So instead; I will just look at people and think to myself:

Click
Your Heels
Together
Three Times

and
Go F*ck
Yourself

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Rhyme or Reason

There is no set reasoning...

Some days are good.
Some days are bad.
Some days are really good.
Some days are really bad.
Some days are really....really...really bad!

The is no rhyme to it.

It is what is on most days.
And today...
It is a really really bad day!

I don't feel good. 
I was called by my PCP to check in.  She gave me the 5th degree about taking a medication I know I'm not supposed  take.  And at this moment...and the moment she told me....I don't give a fly f*ck.  I don't care what the side effects are and how they are potentially life altering/threatening!

As I said...today is a really bad day.  I have not had the energy nor give a shit to update facebook, return my mothers call re: my son and how he is doing, or anything else that I need to do.  Tonight, as I lay my head on my pillow...my hope and prayer will be for a better day tmw or just don't even wake up.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Prayers Needed

If you are the praying type...
My family needs prayers this evening.  As I head to bed,  I'm having another wave of severe pain in my abdomen and shoulder blade on same side.  I have a slight fever to go along with it.

My lil guy....is very ill.  Even though he is so sick he is insisting on going to school tmw.  He told me " mom...i have way to much shit to do.  There is no way I can miss 2 days of school".  If I don't tell my teacher I'm sick she will never know.

My response was....buddy tht shit will still be there when you get better. You are NOT going to school!!

He has a high fever.  Meds brought it down for about an hour.  Then it came back full force.  Dang it!!

I need to go back to work.  I can't afford to be sick....yet I hurt so incredible bad I just want to cry....or....puke.

Click and Swearing

I just hung up on the nurse who called to tell me what my ultrasound results were.  I didn't hang up on her bc of the results.  Because of what she said after she told me the results.

CLICK

My husband wasn't to impressed with the choice words I had to say prior to hanging up.  Telling me in his rather un-supportive ways that I shouldn't swear.  Umm, just about anyone that knows me knows....that is really the opposite thing to do when I'm upset, sick, or just plain in general!!  Hell, my therapist and I have a 4 yr relationship....she knows that. She even pointed it out yesterday when I saw her.  You would think the man that I've slept in the same bed nearly every single night for the last 18 years...he would know.  Dumbass.  Needless to say:  I informed him where/when/how he could go.  Along with if I didn't hear my son stop crying over schoolwork in .02 seconds there was going to be hell to pay.

You see....not only am I sick.  My 9 year old has pneumonia.  And had we waited a day or two; he would have bacterial pneumonia.

So I'm sick.
My son is very sick.
My husband thinks he is sick bc I am sick.  (That is an ongoing issue in our house!!!)

And I have to go back to work.  I have no damn clue how.  Seriously, I can't even fathom driving a bus in the amount of pain that I am in right now. 

Twisted?!?!

I know I'm twisted!  I don't need to have internal organs decide to twist themselves! !

I had a horrid migraine most of yesterday.

Went to work last night and abt 1/2 way into my 3 hour work piece I started having severe abdominal pain.  So much so that I broke out in sweat and was dry heaving bc of it.

If I wasnt missing part of the parts needed....I would have guessed I was in labor. 

This morning it continues.

I go back for a pelvic ultrasound in 3 hours bc the Dr believes I have a twisted ovary.

Wtf!!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Power of Hope video

I have had a few people let me know the video isn't showing properly.  When I sign in it is showing up and then when I sign into a different account it isn't.

By any means...if you scroll to the bottom of the page on the right hand side of the sidebar the video is there also.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Power of Hope



Several weeks ago during a sleepless night the above video spoke volumes to my heart.

It was an evening where there was no hope.  There was no understanding or comforting.  It was simply an evening where I needed some sort of hope....and this what I needed to hear that evening. 

It didn't take away the hurt and pain.

It just happened lessen the pain and suffereing that particular moment.



Doesn't Happen Often

.......this Momma is speechless.  I usually have lots to say.  I'm rather skeptical at different energy related massage techniques and so forth. 

I'm not sure what to think.
I'm not sure what to feel.

This morning I decided to go into uncharted territory in the realm of massage.  This type of massage was what initially drew my attention to this particular massage therapist.  However, it has taken me 6 months to get up the nerve to actually go there and experience this type of gentle, subtle massage.  I have seen this massage therapist regularly for the last 6 months.  Generally, I've gone to see her bi-weekly.  However, in cases such as the last 6 weeks, I've seen her more often.

Raindrop Massage is much different than anything I have ever experienced.   I found it to be very gentle and quite subtle, but the impact so far has been very deep and powerful. It is incredibly relaxing - in a different way from other bodywork that is difficult to put words to and simply needs to be experienced.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Just Thinkin'....



...... about my Grandmother today!!!

My grandma suffered with severe depression.  As a little girl I didn't know what it was.  I didn't know why she would go on violent rages.  I don't remember much past one of her really bad break downs where she broke every dish in the house.   We lived on the farm next to my grandparents until I was 12 yrs old.

She was hospitalized in psych unit shortly after her youngest was born. 

Often when she was having a really bad day she would walk around singing this song and another one of my favorites. 

As I mentioned in an earlier post this morning, I woke up panicked and having had nightmares, again.  This has been a very common theme for several months.

I've struggled today with not wanting to freek out and throw sh*t.  I guess, that would be one of the reasons I remember my grandma on days like today.  Thinking hard and fast that "I am not her.  I don't want to be her.  I don't want to leave that legacy for my children".  And so, I remember things like this song.  One that I can't listen to w/o sobbing.

If we ever had another baby girl or would have been able to adopt a little girl.....We would have had a Lil' Rosie.  I'm sooooooo very thankful my daughter only knows the Wondeful Grandma Rose!  And I'm able to have the memories of my sweet baby girl helping feed and take care of her Great Grandma in her last days.  Those are the precious memories that I pray to keep w/me on hard days like today. 

It's Going to Be Alright



Several months ago, one of my sweet soul sisters posted this on my FB page or her blog post. I can't remember.  Regardless, it spoke volumes to my heart on a day that I really needed it.

It has been several months since I've heard or even thought about this song.

I woke up in a deep sweat and rather panicky in the night.  Frustrated, crying, and just plain upset with thoughts of..."here it is my flippen day off...the ONE day I can sleep past 3:45am...and I have to wake up from a horrible nightmare."  As I laid there fighting back the tears and praying that I could just go back to sleep...I remembered the words to this song.

It's going to be alright!

I don't know when.
I don't know where.
I don't know how.

But....it will be. Somehow, I will get past this dark place that I've been in. 
Yesterday was a better day.  Almost like I had a high and couldn't seem to get past that.   And here it is nearing 4:30am and I'm struggling with not getting in my car and driving off.  I don't know where I would drive to so I will just stay home.  And try to remember...."It's Going to Be Alright".


Saturday, December 10, 2011

Note to Self:

It is not a good idea to leave all three nail clippers in your car while you are working.

If you are going to do that be sure and clip your nails so there is no possible way you can pick them.

After you have picked them raw....stop!  JUST STOP!!

~~~~~~~~~

I've picked my nails so incredible bad today they hurt.  I do it and don't even realize it until it is to late.  Gotta love...um i mean hate...anxiety!

For the love of all that is holy......it hurts!

Another reminder: clip your toenails short.  Very very very short!

Swearing


Swearing tends to be a cause for disagreement, frustration, arguement, all around pissed-off-ness among myself and my husband.

I don't swear.
My dh rarely swears.

The thing that frustrates me about my husband and my swearing is this:  He chooses the wrong freeking time to tell me to stop. 

The more depressed I am.  The more I swear.
The more suicidal I am.  The more every other word out of my mouth starts with F and ends with a K (or G).

Honestly, it happens even when I'm not depressed or suicidal. 

Telling me not to swear when it is all I can do to not drive my car into the median, walk out in front of a bus, or just plain don't want to live any longer is like adding salt to an already horrific wound. 

Conversation usually goes something like this:

Me:  F*cking idiot get out of the damn intersection.
DH: Watch what you say.
Me: You telling me to watch what I say?
DH:  Yes.  Just because some idiot doesn't know how to drive doesn't mean you have to call them an Effing Idiot (not he doesn't say the F word).
Me: Well they are.
DH: You still can choose other words.
Me: You telling me not to say F*
DH:  Yes.
Me:  Well F*ck you.
DH:  Stop! That's not called for.
Me:  F*ck you and the horse you rode in on. You don't like it get out of the car.
DH:  Really, you need to have this arguement w/me?
Me:  F*ck off. You should know after 18 yrs one of the worst things you can do it to tell me not to swear.  You know I will tell you to F*ck yourself in the process.  So shut the hell up or get out of the car.

And then...we sit in dead silence.
Not addressing the issue.
Not addressing it later when I'm in a better space to discuss it.
Not doing anything but pretending it didn't happen.

But it did.  And I know it is a source of contention.  And I know it pisses him off.  Just like I know that the damn baseball hanging in my f*cking garage....it pisses him off when I park my car 'a lil to far to the left....'.  So...I do it on purpose.  It's one of those things where if you harp at me.....long enough.....and annoy me....I'm just gonna do it to piss you off.

Now the swearing thing...I try hard to not swear.  Honestly, you might not believe me.  However, I do.  I really do.

And this week while I was working.  Even though, it was all I could do NOT to just walk and/or drive right out into oncoming traffic....Dear Lord....I can't even begin tell you how obsessive and intrusive and constant those thoughts were.....I STILL TRIED very hard not to swear.  In my head....I was f* everything.  On my blog post a few days ago.....I warned the very few readers I have (and tons of spammers...dear lord if you don't stop sending me spam comments I'm gonna really say f*ck in a reply and f*ck'n take ur heads off).  However, I did not saw much other than "Oh' Dear Lord" or call someone an idiot (not to their face) outloud.

That would be....until today!!

OH MY F*CKING HELL!!  Today wasn't really a bad day at work.  Today was a rather bad day at work.  Traffic is bad.  People are stupid.  I have a no-bull-shit tolerance on most days. 

By 9am...I had swore a tad to much. I thought to myself;  "you need to stop. take a deep breathe".  Heck, I even took several really deep breathes and had a customer make a comment about it.  I replied with "You see all the idiots out there...this deep breathing is keeping me from taking every single one of their freeking heads off....and trying to curb the need to call every single one of them an 'effing idiot'. "  She laughed hysterically.

Then....not even 5 minutes later I hear....."Thud....Thud....Thud" and I look back.  And I see and hear more "thud thud thud"  and I say under my breathe "aww f*ck".  I secure the coach.  I get out of my seat.  And I'm pissed.  REALLY pissed.  And the drunk SOB who went 'thud thud thud' starts throwing out the F* bomb at me.  Oh hell no.  I'm not gonna go there. 

And then....I said a lil' saying my dear friend S* says.  I didn't' even catch it.  Several of my passengers did and I hear a roaring chuckle.  I'm not chuckling. 

I say it again...."Sir you're gonna piss my shit off if you don't shut up, get up and get off the bus".
and I say it again....at least 3-4 times.

I get back in my seat.  I hear one lady say "Uh, I like that piss my shit off"  I think "good like it...shut up".  I'm still pissed.

About 5 minutes later I think....."awww.....my friend S*....she was with me today as I lost my cool on drunk man #1".

I had several more drunks.  One who triggered some more deep breathing and "he's just a passenger.  he will get off. don't look at him. you are safe' montra over and over and over.

I hope and pray....it is a while before I have a day full of drunks again!!! 


Friday, December 9, 2011

Meds

I'm not a fan of medication.  Of any kind.  However, occasionally I break down and take them. And, this last bought of up and down and all around freeking depression, suicidal ideation and more than just thinking about it....its all been since starting/stopping/changing/stopping, ect ect with antidepressants.  Its been a majority of the last 9 months.  And the last 9 months have been hell.  And the last 4 months...omg and the last 2....and the last week....and...and...IT HAS
GOT TO FREEKING STOP!

And...
Since my psychiatrist refuses to try ANY other antidepressant ...but wants me on the one med Ive been on for several years once she believes it 'holds me over'.....

I have decided to stop EVERYTHING!  I am done with medication right now. She wanted me stopping the welbutrin and continue takings lamictal.  I'm  DONE!  I told her yesterday I wasnt going to take it.  She made some snide comment about not being able to make me take anything.  Wanting to know why and I told her why.  It obviously isn't freeking doing anything bc of it was I wouldn't be having the constant invasive thinking that I am.  She somewhat agreed.  I really don't give a shit if she agrees or not.

I'm pissed all over again as I think about the comment she made to me.  I don't know that I will blog about it or not....I guess until I'm in a better space I will not. 

I'm struggling tonight.  I have struggled most of this week and end of last week.  Tonight is no different.  Worse to be honest.  I want so badly to break out of this cycle, to enjoy my children, to enjoy a meal with my family,  finish decorating our home for the holidays.  I have done none of it.  My husband has. I have came home every evening this week and went to my bed.   Don't sleep.   It is a tough cycle to break. 

Day After

I should be clear.....I'm not specifically pissed at my pdoc.  More at tue system.  At life.  At everything.  She just happens to piss me off on top of everything else.

It took every once of my energy to come to work.  I did so by telling myself I could stay home this afternoon if I needed. 

I hurt everywhere.  That is what stress does to you.  That is what being on such a low place does, I guess.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

~Raging on the Inside~ ****tons of swearing******


My follow up appt today went as I expected.  Fucktastic!

I'm pissed.  PISSED.  Fucking PISSED.

I sat for over an hour in my car after my appt today with my psychiatrist.
RAGING F*CKING MAD!!!

If I didn't have to work, hadn't already missed 10 hrs last week unpaid, and got myself in trouble bc I had a fucking tizzy ass fit and didn't make it to work OR call in....I WOULD STILL BE SITTING THERE!!

Because SITTING THERE....I can scream and cry and be fucking mad.

I can't scream, cry and rage when I walk in my doors of my house or work. 

Yes, being the bread-winner of my family has added stress.  Just ask my psychiatrist...she knows that. She states it.  She gives me her thoughts and quite fucking honestly she can shove them up her ass.  And because of that fucking stress....of loosing my job AND loosing my health insurance....I had to go to work today.  I dont' know how many days I can keep this up.  I really don't.  Then what?

Obviously, therapy isn't going to help or fix this shit.  It is up to me.  Obviously, I'm not doing my part.  I guess fucking not.  I guess the fact that I threw the bottle of meds at the cupboard and up so I couldn't reach them wasn't doing my part or using the tools that I have been given.  I guess, going to work....when all I can think about is just walking out infront of a car...is not using the tools.  And so i'm not doing my part.    According to my dr. today....I should be able to kick this w/o medication bc I dont' hear voices and other stupid shit she said.

Today's appt reminded me of what I have been subject to in other medical related issues w/my PCP's office from time to time.  Specifically, the gastric bypass team members.  Dismissed.  Diminished. 

This is so fucking unfair!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Doubt


I'm doubting every single thing.

My marriage.  Is my husband being honest with me?  What abt xyz?  I'm certain that he's not being truthful.

My ability to parent.   My son screams hysterically tonight bc his dad was not here to tuck him in.  My daughter...I don't even know her anymore.  I tell her goodnight and I love her.  She responds with nothing.   That hurts.  My kids prefer their dad over me.  That hurts.  Deep.

My desire to he aroind other people is nothing! 
I have no desire to look up airfares for my trip to Orlando on March.  I don't even know that I want to go.  I can't stand to be around me.  Why would I expect anyone else to?

Monday, December 5, 2011

Little Link-y Love

Hyberhole and a Half:  Adventures in Depression.

OMG did the above link just bring me to my knees in tears.  It is such an accurate description of 'where' I'm at right now in my life.  Where depression has taken me.  And so much more.

Hope(less)

This Christmas ornament should be on my tree this year. Shit maybe I should just tattoo it to my entire body.  The last few days have been pretty freaking ugly.

Church yesterday was pretty much just as ugly.  My husband was given a calling. After he was asked if he would accept the 2nd Counselor turned to me and told me I was next.  And that the bishopric had been and will continue to pray about which calling in the Ward would be best for me.  Very subtle I turned to him and said "now is not a good time for me to have a calling".  He didn't like that response I gather. 

I left shortly after that and then came back towards the end. As I sat in the foyer the same person came up to me and talked to me a 'bit more' about receiving a calling.  Receiving blessings from accepting callings.  And a ton of other mumbo jumbo.  I made it very clear, with out going into details (because remember.....in my everyday life I try very hard to keep this shit at bay and no where near the surface) that right now is NOT a good time for me. I can barely function enough to work.  And having any more responsibility at this time is not something I am willing to accept.  He continued w/the church standpoint and the common Church standpoint on callings.  It was clear he doesn't get it.  And he wasn't hearing me.  I get and understand and have LIVED the blessing that come from serving other members of our congregation in different callings.  However, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it is NOT to be now!

As we left church and headed to town to meet w/a friend for her birthday; I mentioned to my husband what Brother H had said after he went to his Priesthood meetings.  My husband knows that functioning for me right now is at bare minimum.  And adding any extra ounce of anything would be catastrophic.  He shook his head and very bluntly said "NO...You don't need a calling.  You need to get better".  At least, I know I will have his support in this manner.

Then as the day progressed and I thought about this conversation. I thought about the root and beliefs that my religion has on callings....good ol' guilt started to creep in.  And boy is there nothing better to fuel my (or anyone) depression than guilt.

I'm already pulling out every single tool, every single stop, every single thing that several years of therapy have drilled in my head......and I'm still in this rotten f*cking place.  I've taken my meds as I should.  I missed a dose over the weekend.  I did end up taking them last night.  However, sometimes missing ONE dose is better than what the alternative was at that moment when I decided to throw the damn bottle on top of the bathroom cupboard so that I couldn't get it down w/o much thought/planning and energy.  There was one of two alternatives at the moment I did that.  That was the lesser of two evils.

A place where every ounce of my body hurts.  Because this fucking battle is taking its toll.  And today, it has taken its toll on my body.  Complete and udder control. I hurt.  Everywhere. 

I can't keep it up anymore.  Despite keeping up and working to the best of my ability (sure some could disagree),  I can't seem to kick this.  I have no clue if I will make it to group tonight.  I have no clue what lies beyond "publish" of this post. I do know I am still in my robe. I do know that after publish on this post I will be turning my computer and phone off and head back to bed.  I know staying in bed is dangerous.  It is what I have right now and it is safe.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

RAW


*****consider yourself warned: this is rather raw post.  I know I've been in a massive negative spin for several weeks and the very few readers here are most definately sick of reading this shit.  F*ck, I'm sick of living it.  Regardless, ONE DAY I hope and pray I can look back and say "whoa...so glad things are so much better".  For now, it isn't.  And I'm just plain in a really bad space.  So if you are in a not so good space - click the little X at the top right hand of your screen and go on to read something else.

I just want to sleep. You don't have to think when you sleep. You don't have to feel when you sleep. It's about the only time I'm able to be at turn off the constant up and down circle.
I would have to be able to sleep first. It's nearly 3am. I have to work at 6:00am.  Damn it all.

There are times when things are better left unsaid. 

And soo....I'm taking a break. I need to pick myself back up off the f*cking ground.  After I'm done working this afternoon I am not sure what/where I will go. Home to bed until I am supposed to be back at work on Tuesday.  Who knows. I have no clue. 

I'm tired of being told 'suck it up'. I'm tired of everything.  I'm tried of being told there is no alternative.  I'm tired of being told that!!!!!!!  It doesn't make me feel any better.  It doesn't make me feel any less alone. 

Friday, December 2, 2011

~Somedays~

Updated to add: I had someone close to me who read this post and called to check in.  When I wrote this out I was in a bit of a tizzy between kids demanding my attention, husband demanding I go out to eat w/him and the kids and I just wanted to sit in my robe and lay on the couch w/my son, and....I did go to work for my AM shift.  It was my afternoon shift that I missed.


The only expecation I need can give myself is the permission to just be. 

And in the process.....
It  is not very pretty.
It includes me not leaving my room.
It includes me working only to come home so completely spent that I can't give anything to my family.
It includes me not working.

I knew I was not ready to go back to work. I knew that I was barely hanging on by a thread and that thread was pretty damn thin.  Even though I was doing better...I wasn't doing better.

I know my husband really wanted and felt that I needed to go back to work.
I know that financially we need me to work.
I know that my therapist feels that it is more productive and healthy for me to work.
I know that my psychiatrist agrees with my therapist. 
I knew that I was not reaady to return to work.

And here I am.....having worked 5 full days...and working a 1/2 shift yesterday bc my anxiety was so incredible bad.  And then today....anxiety and depression mixed together has made for one hell of a mess.  And in the process I will end up getting reprimanded at work bc I had myself in such a f*cking tizzy that I didn't call in sick w/in the time frame. I actually, ATTEMPTED to go to work...only didn't get there.  Then when I called they told me to come anyway...and well I couldn't so I ended up calling in sick after getting charged w/a late-out.  FUCKING SUCKS!!  I've never gotten a late-out and I'm stressing in a way that isn't even cool.  And all I can think about today is thinking about ending this battle. 


And sooo.....SOMEDAYS...when things are bad this is what I end up doing to 'tune' out the rest of the world...

It sometimes includes me editing photographs.
It sometimes includes me listening to Y.outube videos.  The same one...over and over and over....such as this one:



and dying my hair...REALLY REALLY RED!!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

On a Lighter Note

Looking back at old photos. 

It was mighty cold last year when we visited Temple Square on the evening of the lighting ceremony.  We were tired. I was rather sore (injured my shoulder a few weeks prior at work) and grumpy. 

I didn't get very many pics that were real good.  Mainly because it was cold. 
This is one of my favorites. 

I recently stumbled upon this blog.  When I read her post this evening I couldn't help but think to myself "this is often the story that plays out w/in my head".  And NO I don't hear voices...it is just a matter of speech.



Smothering

Description of how my day has went.
I had a massage that I had looked forward to for several days.  Several different times I told H* to stop.  I felt like I couldn't breathe and it continued.  She was very sensitive to my needs and met me where I was at.
As I ate lunch with my dh and son...it continued.  My husband put his hand on my leg and said on several occassions....wht is wrong you your  upset/nervous about something.  I told him I woke up with an overwhelmingly bad case of anxiety and it had continued to get worse.
My son and I came up with a plan to come home, crawl in my bed and play computer games.  Continued to be overwhelmed.  It took every ounce of my energy to stay present for my son.
He went off playing and I fell asleep.  Waking up every 15-20 minutes with the thought I couldn't breathe and sweating.
I got out of bed bc my dh and son continued to argue over ds homework.  Stop f@cking fighting with him and being mean verbally....put the shit away and make it be HIS problem.   And give him a break...he is sick!!!!!! 
We argued and I retreated back to my room. Light out.
I'm alone and the one person I wish would here me and care isn't able to.  Because hes stuck in his own place.  Whatever that may be.
J* asked me during my therapy appt this week if I thought he was struggling with having me be so down and out?  And how hard it must be for him to deal with 'me'.
I get that.  And I hear her.
What I think about that today is...fuck that!! 
I'm smothering, drowning AGAIN, and this time the pressure is even bigger.  There is much more to loose! 
  Somehow, it is my problem.
  Somehow, working was supposed to help me.
Somehow, my pdoc thinks therapy should help and working it out w/J* is the answer.
Somehow, J* thinks shes not helping bc wtf...here we go again
and since I have more charts than Obama has assistants things must not be working.
Somehow, this shit has gotta end.  I CANT TAKE MUCH MORE!
And to J*...i say yes..today I'm broken! I'm defeated! I'm sick and tired of trying.  I feel like I'm smothering.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Rash - Huband - Ugly - Trigger

RASH
My son has had a significant rash/eczema/infection stuff going on since July.  It is ont he back of his leg just under his butt.

The current antibiotic is to be a maintence medication for 2 months.

He's been on it 2 weeks.  Just like the last 3 rounds of medication after he ends them (or in this case after day 10) which is the same in both cases.  The rash gets better, goes away...and then comes back w/a vengence.  And I mean...VENGENCE!!

When I took him to the dermatologist 2 weeks ago she suggested the maintance medication OR a biopsy. I opted to do the 'least invasive' and try medication first.

It's not working.

HUSBAND
My husband does not work.  Not by choice. I'm sure he would love to work. However, because of an injury and medical issues he is a stay at home dad.  His job is to tend to our children and their needs.  I know it is hard work.  My children are healthy for the most part.  They don't require many dr. appts.  When my husband needs to be seen he makes an appt. He doesn't wait till its horrible or bad. This rash issue....he's been very lax about making and taking the boy to the dr.  I've done most of it.

UGLY
It is about to get ugly.
The rash is already ugly.  I'm talking 'marriage' ugly.  As in this momma is gonna come unglued in a rather unhealthy  manner.  I made it very clear last night to my dh that HE WILL get this boy an appt and I don't give a rats ass when it is.  He said "Well I have a therapy appt tmw and I will just cancel that if I have to".  That didn't go over so well.  I got ugly....I made it very clear that I am PISSED that I have to take off work to take this kid to the dr. when he coudl CLEARLY have called on MONDAY and made him an appt.  He has SEVERAL days a week where he could DO IT and he has choosen not to.  I then googled "Auto Immune Disorders" and pictures which look just like what our son has.  I let him know that "this is" what Dr. E said we could be dealing with if this round of antibiotics didn't work.  I made it very clear that HE makes appts for himself.  And that I would be taking him to the dr. tmw. I"m tired of this kid suffering.  He is in pain and damn it.

It was ugly.  I'm already depressed. I'm already tired.  I am an ugly person to deal with right now.

So help me God if he does not call the clinic first thing in the morning and make that kid an appt I'm gonna take that baseball that is hanging in my garage that I threatened him (dh) with last week and shove it down his throat. 

I said it was gonna get ugly.  Momma is pissed.

TRIGGERED
Momma is set off...triggered...whatever the heck u wanna call it.
I had a parent who often 'poo-poo'd my health issues.  Who would put things off till I was extremely ill and ended up being hospitalized.  This happened not once, not twice...but three times between the ages of 12-16.  I also had a parent who told me that I was over reacting most every single time.  I know that my dh hasn't said that to my son.  But I see that my dh ignoring this issue as a way of dismissing it and basically saying it isn't a big deal.  DH often (as in currently) does the same thing to me.  He recently told me when HE asked me questions about the suicidal thoughts/ideation that I was struggling with that "well that is just plain retarded".  And this my friends is why I rarely ever mention to him that I'm struggling.  I don't believe in the it's a man thing bc it is plain, cut, simple and dry...uncalled for.

Pray for my son...that my husband makes the call first thing in the morning to get him in to be seen.  I will be working split shift and can't call until 8:30-9 and then not again until 11am.

13 Years and Counting

There is a post that will go up on my 'not so private blog' about the anniversary that today and tmw marks.  (it might take me some time).  If you would like the link to that 'blog' and don't know it please leave a comment.  I will only share it w/you if you have left comments before on this blog or I know of you from 'somewhere else in cyberspace or in real life'.

How it was the start of a glorious and wonderful time in my life.  One that I thank my Father in Heaven for daily for trusting and allowing me to be a part of.

In the days/weeks to come I will try to blog about The Before.  How I got from The Before to Now.  I have wrote many posts, scheduled them to post while giving myself time to ponder if I wanted to post it.

There were several contributing factors to what led up to the now. And the anniversary that is marked today isn't the sole contributing factors.  Trauma as a child and young adult both contributed to those factors.  As well as a family history that goes back as far as my Aunts/Mom can track of depression in female memebers.  And the severity seems to skip a generation (this is a 'newer thought amoung one of my aunts and I...one that isn't proven to be correct...however; I'm certain we are on to something)...I just happen to be that generation.  It is important for me to not loose sight of those facts.

And as I am able, ready, and willing.....I will try and write it out....here.

Note to Self

Sitting on Facebook all night long will not help your mood.

Refreshing Facebook, Google Reader, and Yahoo Groups over and over is not considered productive.

Get off your ass and clean something...or better yet go edit the pictures you took last week(end).

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Note to Self

Your elipitical is trying to kill you.
You are not thin.
You are not in shape.
You have not used that f*cking thing in a long time.
Your elipitical is going to kill you--if you don't start using it in moderation. 

Hear that?  IN MODERATION

Slippery Slope

...those meds!!
I'm at a loss.  I will continue taking Welbutrin. Only because something is better than nothing.  I will probably not even tell my psychiatrist next week when I see her that the slope is slippery and I'm trying to not slide down it again.  What is the use?  She's already rx'd everything to me w/no success....  And thus leads me back to why say anything.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Sometimes...

....anxiety gets the best of me.
....depression gets the best of me.
....life gets the best of me.
....work gets the best of me.


~~Sometimes during those moments~~~

....I contemplate what life would be like if I was single. (done in the last 5 days)
....I contemplate what life would be like if I never had any children. (done in the last 5 days)
....I contemplate what you would look like if you were standing at my door in your underwear. (done in the last 5 days)
....I contemplate what you would say if I told you that I had a crush on you. (done in the last 5 days)
....I twist 24 gauge wire into little birds nest with beads to make a "robins nest". (done in the last 5 days).
....I edit photographs over and over.  (done in the last 5 days and need to do MANY MORE but don't feel like it)
....I contemplate what life would be like if I lived in Florida, Las Vegas or California.  (done in the last 5 days)
....I contemplate what life would be like if we would have never adopted our older son. (done in the last 5 days every single day several times during the day and all night long)

....I DO ANYTHING in my power to get out of my head. 

Today would be one of those days.  My living room looks different.  My carpets are cleaned.  As in...vaccumed, spot cleaned w/foam spray and scrub brush, and shampooed.  Most all of my Christmas decorations are out on the wall shelf that separates the living room and dinning room. All of the sheets and comforters in our house are freshly washed.  My fridge was cleaned.  Hardwood floors scrubbed and mopped.  Today was supposed to be my 5th day off in a row.  I was called yesterday to work a school route this morning.  It was an 1:51 minute shift. I get paid a minimum of 2:15 for any 'extra' work.  And because it was on my day off it is guaranteed overtime pay.  I was home by 8:45am and left for group at 3:30pm.  I also, looked into how to return my my Dansko boots that I bought from onlineshoes.com and I found a NEW pair of shoes to replace the boots I am returning.  And because I had a coupon to go towards my purchase I ordered my son a of Keen everyday hiking boots.

AND

I took an hour and half nap.  ALL between 9am-3:30pm. 

AND

I am sure more will be cleaned or done tonight bc I'm not going to be sleeping anytime soon.
Group set off a trigger for me tonight that I didn't expect or seen coming.  Not sure what else to clean in my house.  I have photos to edit.  I need to go to bed....an hour ago actually.  I have to work at 5:30am. I have a therapy appt mid morning that I really don't care to attend. And I don't get off work until almost 7pm. 

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Stairs and Family

Interesting thought I need to get out there in writing.  I want to be able t clear back read, see the date, and go from there.

When this last round of deep depression came barging in I also started with some significant shoulder, neck and back issues.  Some was related to the meds I was on.  Some (most) my job.  I saw my chiropractor nearly daily the first two weeks I was home.  The last 2 weeks not so much.  Just a few times.

Little less than 2 weeks ago I was at my work for our quarterly pick for our work hours.  I went up and down the stairs several times.  Instantly, my right hip and pelvis became locked.  Walking became painful.  Sleeping that night was horrid.  The following morning I saw my chiropractor.   My pelvis was rotated /tilted significantly.   He spent 25-30 minutes attempting to get it to adjust back and deep tissue massage.

Earlier in the week I climbed on my elliptical for the first time in several weeks...couple of months.  Ten minutes and my right side was locking up.  Saw my Dr the next day same thing.

Friday I spent several hours gong up and down our stairs doing laundry, going down stairs for many things.  And same rung happened.  I had an appt yesterdsycw/my Dr and he commented again how tilted and rotated it was.

Today I have felt physically great.  Emotionally I won't go there.  While at a family function I was asked to do family pics for everyone.  Two hours straight and I did okay.  Then I had to move up stairs to use a different background and use the stairs bc I'm short and my family is tall.  Regardless, 3-4 times up/down stairs and I can barely walk.  Not only does my hip hurt and everystep it locks but my pelvis aches.  If I didn't know better I would think I was pregnant..its the same aching feeling I had when I was pregnant.

Obviously the stairs are the culprit.  It has been a very long time since I have had this type of issue w/my pelvis and hip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One of my aunts is aware of my recent struggles and the outcome.  She sought me out today when I disappeared during our family Thanksgiving.  I needed a "break"!!  She could see it in my eyes that I was struggling.  Love her to pieces.  Love that she gets it.  She doesn't judge me.  She doesn't tell me to suck it up.  She knows that there is nothing she can do to fix me.  She is able to just he herself and let me know she cares.  I had snapped at one of her kids and she knew I felt bad.  She wanted to make sure I knew she didn't care and understood.

Somehow it would be awesome if the psych nurse mother of mine....could be a lil more like her baby sister!

I have a family member who isn't 'all there's.  She is my cousin.  She recently had her baby die in her 28-29th week of pregnancy.  I feel horrible for her.  Yet, it makes me sooo mad bc she doesn't take care of herself or pregnancy in a health manner.  I wanted more than 2 children.  My body couldn't take any more than 2.  With the pregnancy and severe post partum issues.  If doesn't make t any easier knowing shes a dumbshit that doesn't need ro he having any more children.  She talker all about 'when she was gong to get pregnant again'.  Barf

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Random Ramblings of a Just Keep Swimming Mindset

While I was working earlier in the week I thought about an analogy that I've heard someone else mention before.  The "coming back to myself" after a long spurt of depression or a dark depressive spurt. 

I dont' go swimming often.  I'm not a great swimmer by any means.  When I do go swimming, I sometimes will dive too deep.  I will find myself panicked for a few seconds.  As I (or you) push yourself to the top of the water, I think I'm never going to make it.  This is the end.  My body is burning and screaming over and over and the end (or top) is so far away.  I am certain that I am no longer able to go any longer.  And then....just like that...I manage to burst out of the water. 

The first gasp of air is refresting, because it’s such a relief.  I can’t believe it’s real, and I’m left drinking in as much oxygen as I can because I’m afraid it will run out.

That first breath of air is the closest I can get to explaining what it’s like when my depression lifts.  Constantly gasping for a breathe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I cannot fight the demons in my head without the help of medication and a therapist. I am unable to move forward without leaning on others for a bit of help. I will never be that strong person I once was before my children were born.

Over the last week, this realization became very clear to me.  A very depressing realization.

Do you ever look at your life and think to yourself  "how the hell did I get to this point?  How the hell did I get to this point when I used to be so strong?  How....I could get so mentally unstable at times when I was once so strong?

Yeah!  Me, too! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've started/stopped several more "ramblings". I can't bring myself to post it tonight.  It is nearly 11pm and I have a child who needs to go to bed before my husband comes home and gets pissy bc the kid is still up.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Rough Day

Today....has been a tad tough.  For several different reasons.  I fought the urge to stay in bed and just do nothing.  Day 2 of 5 days off.  I got up.  Got dressed and braved the crowds.  My daughter and I made it to 2 stores and out to lunch.  It was nice. I enjoyed it.  But deep down I struggled a ton!!

Nothing really blog worthy. Yet, again...not much ever blog worthy.  Just a journal for me to track ups and downs.  And...today is definately a down!!!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

3 for 3

I worked 3 days this week.
I had 3 complaints this week.
One for every single day that I worked.

I totally expected AND deserved the 1st complaint I received.  It is what it is.  I would do it again...IN A HEART BEAT!! 

Then the complaint I received today for yesterday and the complaint I received today about today...was from the same b*tch.  I made it pretty clear that the b*tch could eat dirt.  I got the complaint right as I was leaving work for the day/week.  It is a good dang thing I don't have to be back till TUESDAY!!

Did you read that right?  TUESDAY!  I have 5 days off.  FIVE DAYS OFF.  Unless of course, they call me for overtime on Monday.  Which, I'm certain they will.

So there you have it....
I'm off for the holiday...and for that...I AM VERY THANKFUL!!!

Thanksgiving

I hope and pray everyone has a beautiful Thanksgiving.

So much to be thankful for.  It is often hard to remember when the depths of depression comes barreling down your/my door.  I am the first to admit this is an area that I struggle with.

I will do my best to remember those blessing today. 
To stay in the present during stressful moments while spending time with family over the next few days.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Tuesday Musings

I don't have much to say today that makes much sense. 
Work was long.  Work was work.  I worked overtime this today.  Suprisingly, I was nice.  I actualy LOOKED at people - smiled and shook my head. 

I wasn't ready for a "Good Morning, Good Aftternoon, Hello" ...if I actually looked at them and said something it might have been 'sit down and shut up'. 

If I had a complaint yesterday. That is why I didn't look at anyone. I'm tempted to open my mouth and say shit that will just get me in trouble.  BTW: Yesterday was my first day back. Not a good track record to have a complaint on your first day coming to work in 3 weeks.  Oh' well.  I was tempted to tell the superv. that spoke to me about the complaint the chickie who complained could screw off.  I didn't. I didn't look at him, either.

 I had a friend tell me yesterday that she thought I used the F* word more in the 30 min. convo we had than I've had in the last 3 weeks when I've talked to her.  My response was "well C* that is what our job will does to us...is it not".  

I continue to not sleep well.  The ONLY difference between the sleep issues that I had say...last week and have this week...last week I didn't have to get up for work at 4:45am.  This week I do.  That sucks. 
I'm rather bitchy. 

....and that is all for tonight.

Monday, November 21, 2011

PTSD - SUCKS!

I find myself not being able to pinpoint what seems to be triggering me.  Most of the time it takes a day or two to really notice.

Not yesterday...I knew from the moment I walked into church that I was being set off.  It wasn't just one thing it was several.  A few little things.  And one HUGE thing.  Actually, I could say two huge things.  However, one of those things ended up taking away 'from staying in the present' and throwing me into a tailspin.  It was a fast downward spiral.  That ended with me coming home from church and going to bed.  Turning on the heated mattress pad (bc I 'cope' with heat and I couldn't take a hot shower and be in bed at the time) and going to bed...for several hours.

I can't even say "it is like the lights flicked off and I was in a horrible mood, snapping at everyone, anxiety ridden, blah blah blah."  I knew immediately.

I've not posted to much about our child we adopted and then disrupted handful of years later....on this blog. I do have a blog that I've journaled most of our journey. If you would like the link to that please leave a comment.  It is not a 'semi-private blog' and has names on it unlike this blog.  I've not posted a great deal about the amount of grief, guilt, shame, PTSD, fear, and everything else that comes along with this situation.

We received a document from the Ward Clerk that gave all info the church has on file for our family.  Everytime we are given this document we have asked to have our son C*, whom is no longer our son, removed from the roles of the church as our son.  He is no longer our child.  I do not want him listed as our child.  Our last ward clerk removed C* from the local ward and stake directory.  However, it wasn't removed from the Records of the Church. 

As we sat in the Chapel yesterday morning and I read C*'s name and birthdate listed under our "Children" my heart sank.  It sank in a way that I can't even describe.

 I turned to my dh and said "WHY is his name still listed?"

He said "I dont' know.  I've asked and no one can seem to tell me.  I think it has to do with the fact he was Sealed to us in the temple."

I said "I want his name off the records of our family.  It is bad enough he has your phone number. It is
bad enough that his foster mom has your address.  It is bad enough that he is a damn smart child and he could find us if he wanted to.  We don't have a house phone primarly because he is old enough to try and track us if he wanted to buy a house phone.  I want his name off of this document.  HE is NOT my child.  I don't care if we were sealed....I don't care what Church policy and procedure.....I don't care....."

 He interrupted and said "I will try and take care of it. I already talked to the Bishop and he said he doesn't know why it keeps showing up.  I will ask him again.....but I can't make promises". 

I got up and went back and spoke to a family that I know has served in Stake Presidency in the past.  "Brother N* can you tell me how to remove a child from this document?"

"Did the child die? Even if the child died..he will still be on there. You were sealed to him.  He will forever be your child."  I'm pretty sure the look on my face was a bit worrisome.

I responded with "he needs to be removed and I need to know how to have it taken off of here..."  And I went back to sit w/my family.

After Sacrament this family approached my husband.  C* was removed from the computer 100% as being listed as our child.  I have no clue what will happen at Church Head Quarters in Salt Lake.  I'm hoping and praying this matter is fixed.

My husband came to me while I was sitting in the foyer and said "C* was removed.  He should never be able to track us based on the records of the church."

I hope so....because today...I'm still struggling. My head is still spinning.  I've cried more tears of grief, guilt and pain in the last 24 hrs than I have over this situation in a very long time. 

And PTSD sucks!!  I slept for sh*t last night.  I woke up several times covered in sweat and unable to breathe seeing his face at my front door.  Did I say PTSD FRIGGING SUCKS?  I want to crawl in bed and not get up. I want to cover my head and sleep this away.  Today is one of those days where working....didn't serve me very well...as the day lingered on irrational worthless thoughts continued to work their way into my head and take up space...lots of space!!

 Every young blonde college student that I have encounter with...I think of C*.  What he missed.  What he will miss.  What I missed.  What I will miss.  And it sucks.

Thankfulness Project Monday


I started following Musings of a Counselor several months ago.  I love the fact that each Monday she posts her Thankfulness Project Monday posts.  I often do not post them on Monday's.   However, I do think about it each week.  This post is being wrote on Sunday night and will be scheduled to post on Monday because I've got a very long day tmw and wanted to try and get this posted.

So here goes my "Thankfulness Project Monday" Post


I have a wonderful husband.  He endures so much from me. I know I do from him also.  However, he is my rock.  I very well may be griping about him next week.  I was reminded this morning during our Sacrament Meeting at church that our Temple Sealing-Marriage Anniversary is this week.  We were married by our Bishop in January 1994.  Just under 2 years later on a cold day in November, the day before Thanksgiving my Grandparents, In-laws and a few other local member friends joined us in the LDS Chicago Temple.  Where my husband and I were sealed for Eternity.  I'm thankful for my husband and the example he continues to lead to myself and children.


Two beautiful children.  Often, it is easy to loose sight at how well behaved, polite, and all around good young beings they are.  I'm blessed to be their mom.  I often do not feel worthy to be their mother.  They give me strength when I don't believe I have any left.  They lead by example in so many areas of our lives.  The last 3 weeks that I have been off work due to significant dip in my depression and will to keep fighting...these 2 children are what helped every single day to bring me one step closer to "normalcy...whatever that might be".  

So many other things I am thankful for in my life.  These are the 2 areas that I often take for granted.  I love them so deeply and can not imagine my life with out them.


Sunday, November 20, 2011

Staying Present

...worked for me yesterday.
Not so much today.
Today is a really rough day.
My anxiety level is sky high.
Trying not to sink back into dark hole Ive been in for so long.
Struggling would be an understatement.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Goal for Today

The above quote is my focus for the day.  We are expecting a large amount of company later this afternoon.  I will need to focus on the present moment all day because this will be a bit stressful for me.

My son grew fond of one of the Missionaries over the last few months.  This young man has served his Heavenly Father and the members of our region for the last 2 years.  This week his family will welcome him back home as his Mission will be complete.

The day after my son was baptized the Elder's (Missionary's) stopped by our house for a few moments to play with my son.  We tried to set up a date for dinner before Elder B left to go back home.  And somehow I felt the need to offer having a "Farewell" gathering at our house for the ward.

Last night I made a cake.  This morning I will make Velveta No-Bean Chili Dip and Corn Dog Muffins. 

And....

Remember to stay in the Present!!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Light Bulb

Last night was rough.  One of the worst this week.  All things considered the week has gone fairly well.  Sure, I was more than pissed at my psychiatrist yesterday for several different reasons.  Sure, the day was a tad stressful.  However, by evening fall that had all subsided and I had a pleasant evening with my family. 

The night looked something like this....Sleep was no where around.  After waking several times, as in every 30-45 minutes...it  involved me attempting to wake my husband sometime around 2-2:30 am.  He made it clear to me last week he wanted me to wake him on nights that I wake and am struggling.  Specifically with "one way out, there is no fix, things would be much better for my family if I was no longer around...." thinking.  He would not wake up. I went from my bed to a hot shower.  The hot shower didnt' snap me out of this spin.  I sat at the kitchen table in the dark for around 30 minutes drinking a Dt Pepsi and overdosing on chocolate.

I woke in a definate mood.  One that said THANK GOD I am not working today.  Thank God....I have today for me!  I couldn't bring myself to snap out of it.  While showering, my face stung from falling tears. And the gament of thoughts..... Why?  WHY?  I'm supposed to be better?  I'm supposed to be able to work?  I'm supposed to be functional? Is being off work really decreasing my ability to function? I dont' agree. I've done fairly well this week all things considered.  Struggling with suicidal thoughts has really been at bad since the end of last week.  Few fleeting moments here and there.  Nothing more than a few thoughts here and there of hopelessness. 

Struggling with all og the above, I got out of the shower.  Determined to get things done today.  I needed to shampoo my carpets, pick up a few groceries and make a cake today.  All things that I could have done last night (except the cake) but I was tired and b*tchy so I waited till today.

My psychiatrist agreed to give w.elbutrin another try.  I opened the cupboard and a RX bottle fell out. 

The light bulb CLICKED on really BRIGHT!!

My conversation with my husband was one that was rather tough.  He was mad.  Very mad.  At me. He didn't have to say much to make me know that he was upset with me.  I know why.

Shortly after having a lil' discussion with my husband and the light bulb clicking; my husband gave me a shot of Vitamin B12.  It has been a really long time since I've had one.  As in really long time.  We filled the this afternoon after he gave me the injection.  I will have him give me another injection in a week to give me a boost.

And....here is a lil diddy from depression.com about B12.  Because of my gastric bypass this is just another thing that due to malapsorption is an issue.

Vitamin B12: Because vitamin B12 is important to red blood cell formation, deficiency leads to an oxygen-transport problem known as pernicious anemia. This disorder can cause mood swings, paranoia, irritability, confusion, dementia, hallucinations, or mania, eventually followed by appetite loss, dizziness, weakness, shortage of breath, heart palpitations, diarrhea, and tingling sensations in the extremities.  When shortages do occur, they are often due to a lack of intrinsic factor, an enzyme that allows vitamin B12 to be absorbed in the intestinal tract. Since intrinsic factor diminishes with age, older people are more prone to B12 deficiencies.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Thursday Evening Musings


I had 3 doctor appts today.  My plate was full.  I didn't make it to all 3 appts.  I ended up having a 4rth appt added to the mix (for my son). I woke up refreshed, renewed, and ready to take on the world...or for a few moments anyway.

My pelvis was in bad shape.  Last night I started having problems walking after using my eliptical. I've had this problem before after I was rear-ended several years ago. So it worked out good I had a chiropractor appt this morning.  He believes it was the answer to some of the hip and low back pain I've experienced over the last few weeks.  Specially during and after my massage last Friday.  World of difference after being adjusted - after a few tears - I'm feeling much better. 

After I left there I went and seen my psychiatrist.  The appt went okay. I can't say I was happy. I can't say I am unhappy.  We have a 10-11 year history together.  I often find myself in a love/hate relationship with her.  And today wasn't so much about love.  I respect her and love her dearly.  However, I don't have to like what she has/had to say. I don't have to like the attitude that transpired.  I left her office fighting back tears.  Tears of frustration and anger.

I spoke to my husband on my way to my employer.  One of the issues I had w/my pdoc appt was I have to have paperwork turned into to my employer in order to work the following day.  The timeline was already met.  I also needed to get paperwork turned in by another time deadline in order to get a "weekly pick" for next week and not be forced to be oncall every single day.  I can't rotate/be oncall everyday at this point.  I met the deadline by less than 10 minutes.  I did end up getting a weekly pick, barely. 

Because, I had gotten so upset at the end of my appt and worked myself into a tizzy I called my PCP's office and cancelled my appt.  The last thing I needed was to go to that appt and have her make some stupid comment or suggestion that the malabsorption issues are in my head, depression related, and I'm just plain making shit up.  Because at that point, I could have very well ended up in the hospital or jail....so I decided come home and just be! I spoke to my dear friend S* and laid down and rested for a lil bit before picking my son up from school.

My son and I went to an impromptu derm appt.  I am hopeful that the course of treatment will be effective and we will not be faced at doing a biopsy and labwork.  She mentioned several times during the appt if the 8 week course of antibiotics doesn't clear this up OR it comes back after going away while on the antibiotics he will be facing testing for an auto immune disorder.  We are praying for an easy fix at this point with antibiotics.

In 2 weeks I will begin a 3 month set schedule for my work hours.  I'm very optimistic and hopeful I will be able to find some relief and stabalization.  Contrary to the vibe I got from my psychiatrist this morning....I am taking care of myself. I am doing what I need to do...as much as I can....and taking care of myself.  I know that my therapist doesn't feel that me not working has been helpful.  I love her dearly.  And today I can honestly say....we can agree to disagree.  I know I am doing better.  I know it isn't even just a little bit better.  I also know that being home hasn't made things worse nor will they make it worse with me being home.  The only manner that it makes things worse with me staying home is the financial aspect.  Even though I have disability insurance it isn't 100%.  Regardless, my work week starts on Sunday.  Next week is a short week. I can hope and pray the following week I can get a weekly pick (set schedule).

In the meantime I have full plans on....taking care of ME the next 3 days.  I need to do some deep cleaning to do in the morning.  Things that should have been done the last 2-3 weeks while I've been home.  However, they didn't get done.  Saturday we are having a farewell party for one of the Elders (missionaries) who will be going home from his mission next week.  *insert...my anxiety is rather high at the thought of having a a large amount of church members in my home since my huband and children are the only  members who attend church on a regular basis.*

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Shocked


Yesterday morning my while waiting for the cardiology team to come and get my husband we were watching tv.  We never watch TV during the day. I have no clue what is even on. I'm set in the very few shows that I do like.

The V.iew was on at the moment.  They were discussing the P.enn S.tate tragedy (it truly is a tragedy) and the latest on this case.  I've watched and/or listened to very little of what is going on. 
I dont' watch local news unless I know there will be something on that I want to see.  I don't want or need to hear the negative crap that comes along with the news.  Occasionally, they will be running a segment and I will be sure to watch it.  For the most part; it isn't ever watched in our home.

The V.iew gave light, opinions, and showed the latested interview.  I was shocked beyond belief how incredible angry it made me.  I'm certain the patients on both sides of my hubands hospital room heard me yell at the tv during one the interview w/this monster.  My husband turned the channel. I made him turn it back.  He was more shocked than I imagined.  Telling me "*** you need to not watch this. Obviously, it is trigger you in a way that is not healthy.  Watch something else."

My dh turned to me and said "We are not watching this and I'm turning this TV off." 

And that was the end of that.

I'm shocked that my dh stood up to me in that manner.
I'm shocked that I got as upset as I did. I will often get upset with stuff like this; it hits a very deep and painful spot.  However, 99% of the time....it is hidden. 

Yesterday....it was not.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

24 hours of whirlwind

I know that the handful of my readers are familiar with what has happened in the last 24 hrs and been kept up-to-date via FB and personal contact. 

My mind is still racing.  My husband is home from the hospital tonight.  There was a point this evening after he got up to walk for the first time it didnt' go so well.  If I remember correctly there was a few text to my dear friend S* that said "oh' f*ck".  They got a wheelchair, another nurse and the sugeon was paged to the floor.  He was there with in seconds. I'm guessing he was on his way to begin with because it was so quick.  The area near the insertion point wasn't the actual issue but a bit lower (I believe...it is all 'the same to me' when looking at my husbands groin among others).

No answers for DH's chest pain.  The doctor told us why his stress test was abnormal.  And said sometimes this happens. I can't really explain what happened.  But it seemed normal.  He is sending him back to his PCP for follow up.  And that is all I know for today.  It was a very long 24 hours.  And even longer 12 hours of being at the hospital.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All things considered I'm doing okay.  This morning was tough.  More than tough.  However, right now I'm doing okay.  I see my psychiatrist on Thursday morning and my PCP later in the same day.  Somehow.....I will get to the bottom of this....come hell or high water.

I had lots of thinking time over the weekend and over the last few days...today being one of them.  While I was sitting at the hospital today I had a friend come and sit w/me and then she went home and got my kids and took them for dinner.  We discussed my current work issue and why I'm off.  It was interesting to me to hear her take opinions.  I share very similiar opinions and thoughts. 

I'm optimistic and hopeful that I can have a productive appt with my psychiatrist appt. on Thursday.  As I told my friend today "we just may need to have a coming to Jesus moment...." She laughed hysterically. I did not.  She then said "Um, as a patient of Dr. SB...I'm pretty sure that won't happen. Then again, she often suprises me so maybe that would work." 

So time will tell!

Black Hole

It is a long and tough uphill battle.
Climbing out of a black hole.
Nothing hurts worse than depression.
Depression is a lying bastard.  As a fellow blogger stated recently.
I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.  Actually, I do see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Just need to remind myself....there is a light. It is just turned off sometimes.
I am praying, that somehow...someone will come along and poke a hole in the darkness with a pin and let some light in. 
I know that at the end of the day (or the black hole) it will be me that has to poke that hole.
However, right now I don't even have the ability to find a pin, let alone use it to poke a hole in the darkness.
I have no mental, emotional or physical energy about half of the day.  Today....proved to be a very trying day.  Today...proved to be a day where anxiety medication would have at the very least taken the edge off. I've ate nothing and that is a true test of my anxiety is bad. I know this is somewhat normal given the circumstances around todays events.  However, in the past during stressful days like this having some sort of way to take the edge off....helped.
I feel as if I have nothing left to give to anyone.  Not my husband. Not my children. Not my parents. Not my job.  And definately, not myself. 
If I could will away this deep depression and hole that I've found myself in; I would in a heartbeat.
I've thought hard and often with making a deal with the devil to just feel somewhat whole and normal again.  To laugh, cry, sing, and more importantly to just care about life in general.
It is a long and tough uphill battle....I know. I'm climbing it and it sucks giant donkey balls.

Blogger Issues

My last post did not post correctly.  Then it did.  Then it was half missing.  I took a second while sitting here in the hospital w/my husband to 'fix and add' to it. 

The next post was 'wrote' in my head while I drove to see my dear friend S over the weekend.  It has been a post in my head for sometime.  I decided to finish composing it today.  And it is scheduled to post later in the day.  (I"m not 100 sure I want it to post so I need to think about it for a few hours)

Monday, November 14, 2011

True Friendship

I've pondered those 2 words in the title several times over the last few months.  Adding to it the question "Are you a TRUE friend?"

Often we find ourselves (or maybe not so often in some cases) among friends who will say; "Sweetheart, feel free to call me at any time.  I'm always here for you." 

I've only had one friend that I could call a true friend....until recently.  A few years ago, something happened and it all changed.  Over the course of the last few years, I've remained a true friend to her.  Offering advice, love, care, listening ear, and so forth in times of need.  I've dropped everything to be at her hospital bed.  For weeks that turned into months on end.  For a long time she cried, supported, nurtured me in times of need.  And I did the same for her.  I would still do the same for her.

Over the last several months (few years) I've discovered much to my dismay that this friendship has turned from a mutual true best friend friendship to something different.  Boundries were broken. 

As I have slowly come to the conclusion and acceptance that this particular friendship has changed; it has been quite painful to me. 

In the process, I've gained a few other extremely close friends.  Friends who, may not take the place of friendship, but have stepped in and taken up residence in my heart in a much deeper fashion. 

I've learned over the last several months that True Friendship is about so much more than what I ever envisioned before. 
This is not to say the above friendship is down the tubes and I've walked away from the pain, drama, and frustration that comes along with it. 

It is to say:  I believe that a true friend seeks to understand, cares for and about me and will guard and protect my confidences as if they are their own.  And in return:  I beleive that a true friend seeks to understand, cares for and about their friend and will guard that person and protect their confidences as if they were my very own.

I know I am not a perfect friend.  I am opinionated, get angry at times and often find myself being short.  I am often impatient.  I have no doubt in my mind that I have hurt my friends feelings out of ignorance and anger. But I strive to be there for those close to me and keep to myself the confidences that have been shared. I also try to apologize when I inflict pain. I imagine at some times I am more successful than at others.

I'm blessed to have True Friends who have recently taken me under their wing.  Eat horrible nasty comfort food and watch trashy movies.  Who offer to pick my kids up for school, meet me at the hospital and bring me lunch on days when I dont' think I can keep on keeping on.  For that; I'm forever blessed!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Back to life...

..back to reality!

What a blessing if was to have my sweet friend and her family open up their home to me this weekend.

It was truly a blessing in disguise.

This post will be short and sweet.

On my way back home I bad to stop by my employer to fill out paperwork.  It was bittersweet.   As much as I don't miss the B.S....I really do.  Yet, in the same boat it was clear I would not be ready to work as originally planned.  For tonight I am not going to worry about working on Wednesday or anyday this week.

I will get up in the morning and attempt to make the phone calls that will hopefully find me some sort of relief. 

And remember the warmth and unconditional love...I felt from my sweet friend!!  There is such peace in knowing that I'm not alone in this battle.  Even though it feels like it.