Journey to TMS - Part 2

Part 1:  Journey to Transcranial Magnetic Therapy

It had been about 2 months since I heard from the TMS Clinic.  As I wrote previously (and below), it came at a very low point.

In a nutshell, the clinic manager called and let me know that they were still working with my insurance company.  And because of the complexity of the insurance issues, they were willing to take a risk and start treatment.

An answer to a prayer.

I wrote the following excerpts in a google document about a week ago the day before I went for the first appointment/treatment (that treatment didn't happen...more on that later)  

The Before
*Initially when I got the call from the TMS Center...I was very hopeful.  I immediately text/called two of my closest friends.  Speaking with one of them on the phone while she was working.  Fear, self sabotage, and all that other crap didn't have a chance to sink in at that point.

The call came on a day when I was unable to get out of bed.  At a point where not much more fight was left.

That call was nearly a month ago.  I've had plenty of time to back out.  I've had plenty of time not to follow thru and just plain build my anxiety up so damn high I can't stand myself.  Night terrors have filled nearly every single night of the last 3-4 weeks.  Much in relationship to TMS therapy.

And my anxiety is extremely high.  LOTS AND LOTS of anxiety!

There is no turning back.  I can't keep going like this.  I know something has to change.
So I will go.
And make the best of it.
And pray for the best.

In less than 24 hours, I will go for the initial treatment.  I'm not sure that I can do this.  I don't want to go alone. I will.  I have to. My children deserve to have their mother back. If anything else.  They deserve to have a mom.  And I deserve to be their mom w/everything that I've got.

It is Piss.

I saw this picture on another blog this morning. To be honest I can't remember whose blog it was on.  I know it was a fellow trauma mama whose blog is in my reader.

It kind of fits me perfectly.
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There's much I want to blog about...as in get off my chest.  I do this for me. Not for others.  In blogging about these things, I know I'm opening myself up for criticism. 


I was told today by several people that I've over reacted to something that was rather hurtful to me.  It started with my BIL and then my mom.  And then just went down the line from there.  I'm choosing to not go into detail because in all honesty....I'm not in a space that I can take the criticism.  (If we are FB friends, you follow my FB page, or you just know me IRL...you are aware of the issue.  And once again, I respectfully ask you to respectfully keep your own opinions to yourself if you are going to be critical...SORRY...it's just where I'm at emotionally right now...fragile would be an understatement)

As I've thought about this situation and the various different outcomes today...I keep thinking about this "glass half empty-half full-this is piss" picture.

Here are my thoughts on this situation and so much more:

It is piss.   There's no "thinking" about it.  It is pure piss!


I'm sure that taking this issue up in therapy might be helpful...it's the beating a dead horse mantra in my ever so humble opinion.  Thus, for the most part I try not to go there.

Obstacle

Trauma sucks.  It has reared its ugly head in my life right now (and in the past) in a way that is much more than I can handle at moments.

Insomnia sucks on a good day.  When it is related to trauma...it sucks even more.  It is in the wee hours of the morning and I"m sitting at my kitchen table.  Once asleep night terrors wake me up or they don't and my husband ends up waking me up.  Wondering "why are you breathing like that?" and many other things as he attempts to wake me, make sense of it for himself, and get me to talk to him.  There is no talking about anything. I give up and get out of bed.

The last week has thrown some things smack dab in my face.  It may appear that I've completely fallen apart.  This isn't really true.  I've come unglued.  Fraid and tattered a bit.  But I'm holding on little by little.

I've managed to stay away from self harm/destruct behaviors over the last month or so.  It hasn't been easy.  It is a slippery slope. And one that I've come close to falling down many times. Each time I've picked myself up, choosen to not engage myself in the battle and continued to move fwd and face the pain and ugliness at that moment.  J* mentioned today she wanted to hear me "own it...and mean it".  I will OWN IT...I KNOW I've done it.

At times that obstacle of staying on top of the slope is to much.  Nothing is accomplished.  Nothing is gained.  Everything is lost.  All of the internal dialog work to find a safe space and not engage in self harm.........it was gone in a split second tonight.  All to numb/drown out the pain.

Ugliest of Days

There have been many ugly days in recent months/weeks/days.  There have been many not so ugly days where life moves foward.  Not wonderful. Not horrible.  It moves and I carry along with it.  Hoping and praying that slowly there will be a shift.

I don't want to go in to details at this point.  I know I have laid almost everything out there in past posts.  Suffice to say that today was a very ugly day.  As in very ugly.  I wanted an out.  I looked for an out at every corner, thought, feeling, ect., ect..

I got in my car to come home from work.  Weather was not good. I pulled out of the parking lot from work and into main road to go home and there was a flood of emergency vehicles.  I was not prepared for what I saw.  It has left me physcially and emotionally ill for the remainder of the evening.  I need to go to sleep and it just isn't happening.  As I close my eyes, I hear the police officers talking.  I hear the man scream at the officers to not come any closer.  I see the flashing lights all over again coming at me from all angles.  Telling the police officer that "I need to be able to move my car and get out of the middle of the chaos...NOW."  And him telling me 'no m'am we need you to stay right here. We can't have anyone move their vehicles.  And me expressing to him in a rather blunt way that I HAD TO MOVE or they would need to have more emergency personal come my way.  I truly...was in a panic.  The officer realized the urgency and made sure I got out of the area. I called my dh. He blew me off. I called my friend L* she was shoveling and turned on the scanner and said just as flurry of activity took place even more...I will call you when you get home...just lookk forward.  I spoke to my dear friend S*.......  I was not prepared to see, hear, be witness to something that I personally think about on a regular basis.

 Someone lost their son, their father, their brother, their husband.....somoene potentially lost a beloved person in their lives tonight.  (I should say that I don't know the ultimate fate of this persons actions.  However, I know that it will be life changing/altering/ending!)

My 9 year old came into my room to put something away.  He saw that I was laying awake in bed and came over and said "Mommy, can I talk to you?"  And we laid in bed and had a great conversation about his week at school.  The good, the bad, the ugly and the awesome.

It is moments like this....laying in bed next to my son that remind me....why I was not the person on that bridge this evening.  Struggle as I might on a day-in-day-out basis with suicidal ideations....I will be damned if I will let this illness take from my children the very thing that they deserve. 

And so.....I continue to fight.  Fight hard.  It is ugly most days.  And not so much many others.  I may drive my husband, best friend, and therapist out of their minds...but damn it all...I will continue to fight and get up each and every damn day. 

For my children.
For me.

*updated to add:  This person involved was drunk.  Involved in a mult-car accident a few blocks away from this bridge.  Fled the scene and decided that jumping off the bridge was the lessor of two evils.  I don't drink and therefore, it is easy for me to call people who do and do stupid shit like this fucking idiots.  It is what it is...and he could probably thanks himself for being to drunk...that is probably what saved his life.  Just like the dumbass who drove their bike into a bus a few months ago....being so drunk saved his life.

There's really no words to describe the place that I'm in right now.  I've been here before.  It isn't anything new.

Don't ask me what I need....I don't know what I need. Well, I know....but it isn't anything anyone can say or do.  Right now - sleep would be nice.

Thursday and Fridays generally are very hard days for me.  If the last 2 days are any indication how the next few days are going to go - I will be in a one hell of a place by "my weekend".    I can't miss work any more than I already have. I can't.  The stress of knowing that....just adds to the downward spiral that I've been in.

It's Going to Be Alright

Several months ago, one of my sweet soul sisters posted this on my FB page or her blog post. I can't remember.  Regardless, it spoke volumes to my heart on a day that I really needed it.

It has been several months since I've heard or even thought about this song.

I woke up in a deep sweat and rather panicky in the night.  Frustrated, crying, and just plain upset with thoughts of..."here it is my flippen day off...the ONE day I can sleep past 3:45am...and I have to wake up from a horrible nightmare."  As I laid there fighting back the tears and praying that I could just go back to sleep...I remembered the words to this song.

It's going to be alright!

I don't know when.
I don't know where.
I don't know how.

But....it will be. Somehow, I will get past this dark place that I've been in. 
Yesterday was a better day.  Almost like I had a high and couldn't seem to get past that.   And here it is nearing 4:30am and I'm struggling with not getting in my car and driving off.  I don't know where I would drive to so I will just stay home.  And try to remember...."It's Going to Be Alright".

RAW

*****consider yourself warned: this is rather raw post.  I know I've been in a massive negative spin for several weeks and the very few readers here are most definately sick of reading this shit.  F*ck, I'm sick of living it.  Regardless, ONE DAY I hope and pray I can look back and say "whoa...so glad things are so much better".  For now, it isn't.  And I'm just plain in a really bad space.  So if you are in a not so good space - click the little X at the top right hand of your screen and go on to read something else.

I just want to sleep. You don't have to think when you sleep. You don't have to feel when you sleep. It's about the only time I'm able to be at turn off the constant up and down circle.
I would have to be able to sleep first. It's nearly 3am. I have to work at 6:00am.  Damn it all.

There are times when things are better left unsaid. 

And soo....I'm taking a break. I need to pick myself back up off the f*cking ground.  After I'm done working this afternoon I am not sure what/where I will go. Home to bed until I am supposed to be back at work on Tuesday.  Who knows. I have no clue. 

I'm tired of being told 'suck it up'. I'm tired of everything.  I'm tried of being told there is no alternative.  I'm tired of being told that!!!!!!!  It doesn't make me feel any better.  It doesn't make me feel any less alone. 

"I had no clue"

Over the weekend my son was baptized. I know I mentioned it before.  However, a few things have come to the surface since that day.  It was a very small gathering.  A few members from our ward and a friend/co-worker of mine.

One of the ladies who came and gave a talk also happens to be a passenger that I have once in a while.  I've known her since I was in Young Women's 20+ years ago.  I learned over the weekend that she was baptized around that same time 20+ yrs ago, only because my husband was a missionary here in our current ward.  He remembers the set of Elders/Missionaries who were in the area at the time.  He served in this same ward shortly after she was baptized.  She is a nurse at a local hospital.  She is a very sweet and dear lady.

L* and I were talking as we were both leaving the building.  She made some sort of comment such as "I will see you in Relief Society tmw".  Matter of fact I replied with "Probably not.  I will attend Sacrament and will most likely leave after that."  She knew I wasn't working and added a few other remarks such as she would love to see me there.  It was a rather awkward moment.  One that I felt the need to clarify.  And so I did, rather reluctantly. 

Other than our bishop, whom I spoke w/about this in our home and a VERY few IRL people....my battle with depression, anxiety, S.I, and such is a very private manner.  So mentioning to her why I generally only attend Sacrament was rather tough.  I was very taken back in some ways by her response.  She stopped dead in her tracks. Looked at me and sincerely said "__ I had NO clue."  I followed it up with "It isn't something I discuss and is part of the reason I'm not working right now".  I figured she didn't need to know more.  It is what it is.  And she had enough information that is all she needed.

I'm struggling, again!

It is an up and down battle. 

I'm trying very hard to keep myself busy.  Seriously, I'm in some sort of a manic, crazy, can't stop bc if I do I will end up crashing hard mode.  So I've cooked. I've cleaned. I've not slept.  I've walked the dogs. I've been up and down and all over the dang place. 

I received a phone late last evening from the sweet Sister whom I mentioned above.  She was on her way home from work.  And because she usually sees me at work she was thinking of me.  After she got home she felt like she needed to check in and see how I was really doing.  At first I was taken back and felt like "I don't really want/need to air my dirty laundry out there.  How do I know I can trust her?" And many other things.  Of course, I didn't tell her that on my way home from my group meeting tonight I had to focus myself deeply on doing something constructive...aka: talking to someone on the phone bc if I didn't the urge to drive down a cliff or into the barrier wall was so incredible strong.  She didn't need to know those things.

She cared.  She cared enough to let me know "I am not Alone".  I often hear this 'phrase' and sometimes get rather discouraged and disgusted by it.  However, it is sooo very true.  Last week on several different occasions when this song popped into my IPOD play list there was no stopping the tears.

Find solace. Find comfort.  Find whatever it is that you need....and know...YOU are NOT ALONE!!  (click on link to hear music)

Forget Me Not

It is late. Once again, I'm awake into the wee hours of the morning.  Attempting to go to bed provided frustration, discouragement and hopeless thinking.  Updated to add (for my own record): I finally crawled back into bed for the 2nd time at 2:30am.  The last time I looked at the clock it said 3:39am.  The next thing I heard was my husbands alarm going off at 6:15am - it was time for him to get up and get the kids ready for school. I got up instead.  It is the first time this school year that I've been up before my kids went to school. I'm tired.  Yet, I'm also wide awake and feel as though I could run run run....I did not take the new medication last night. I put in a call to my psychiastrist office early yesterday morning and heard nothing back from her.  This was after speaking to my PCP and chiropractor.  My chiro is 100% convinced the issues I've had over the weekend (and continue) are related to this medication.  My PCP's office said "contact your pdoc".

I decided to get up and work past that.
Regardless if I have an 8:30am massage.
Regardless if I have a therapy appt right after my massage.  I will be tired.  It will work itself out.
It always does, right?

I edited some pictures of our dogs.  Both are adorable.  We are blessed they are such good dogs.

From there I ended up on the LDS.org website.  I had no real intent of looking anything up.  Or finding anything that would speak volumes to me.  It is as I mentioned....in the middle of the night.  Don't know about you, but my brain doesn't comprehend things very well at 1-2-3 am. 

General Conference was a few weeks ago.  I've not seen the Conference talks.  Nor have I read them.  I will be honest and I rarely watch or read the talks.  UNLESS...and here is the kicker....UNLESS someone tells me or I see on another blog that there is a specific highlight or special speaker that I just have to read/listen to.

That being said, I've not read any special comments about the latest conference talks.  And if I have, I've not remembered it.

Truly my Father in Heaven was guiding my fingers this evening as I skimmed over this talk by Elder Dieter F. Uchtorf.  I've read/heard things from him before.  All which have spoke volumes to my heart.  As I sit here this evening/early morning (whatever you call it)  reading and then listening (bc sometimes hearing their beautiful voices is important, too) tears stung my face as I tried to soak in his words.

You don't have to be LDS/Morman to soak in his goodness. You don't have to have 100% the same beliefs.  You just need to believe there is a higher being.  Who loves you.  Who will not forget you! 

The following portion of his talk truly brought me to my knees.  I struggle a great deal with remembering...I am not alone, nor am I forgotten.
(This can be found near the end of his talk)

Fifth, forget not that the Lord loves you.

As a child, when I would look at the little forget-me-nots, I sometimes felt a little like that flower—small and insignificant. I wondered if I would be forgotten by my family or by my Heavenly Father.

Years later I can look back on that young boy with tenderness and compassion. And I do know now—I was never forgotten.

And I know something else: as an Apostle of our Master, Jesus Christ, I proclaim with all the certainty and conviction of my heart—neither are you!

You are not forgotten.

Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.

Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!

He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name—you are the daughters of His kingdom.

The Psalmist wrote:

“When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained;

“What is man, that thou art mindful of him? …

“For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.”⁵

God loves you because you are His child. He loves you even though at times you may feel lonely or make mistakes.

The love of God and the power of the restored gospel are redemptive and saving. If you will only allow His divine love into your life, it can dress any wound, heal any hurt, and soften any sorrow.

My dear Relief Society sisters, you are closer to heaven than you suppose. You are destined for more than you can possibly imagine. Continue to increase in faith and personal righteousness. Accept the restored gospel of Jesus Christ as your way of life. Cherish the gift of activity in this great and true Church. Treasure the gift of service in the blessed organization of Relief Society. Continue to strengthen homes and families. Continue to seek out and help others who need your and the Lord’s help.

Sisters, there is something inspiring and sublime about the little forget-me-not flower. I hope it will be a symbol of the little things that make your lives joyful and sweet. Please never forget that you must be patient and compassionate with yourselves, that some sacrifices are better than others, that you need not wait for a golden ticket to be happy. Please never forget that the “why” of the gospel of Jesus Christ will inspire and uplift you. And never forget that your Heavenly Father knows, loves, and cherishes you.