Thursday, December 1, 2011


Description of how my day has went.
I had a massage that I had looked forward to for several days.  Several different times I told H* to stop.  I felt like I couldn't breathe and it continued.  She was very sensitive to my needs and met me where I was at.
As I ate lunch with my dh and continued.  My husband put his hand on my leg and said on several occassions....wht is wrong you your  upset/nervous about something.  I told him I woke up with an overwhelmingly bad case of anxiety and it had continued to get worse.
My son and I came up with a plan to come home, crawl in my bed and play computer games.  Continued to be overwhelmed.  It took every ounce of my energy to stay present for my son.
He went off playing and I fell asleep.  Waking up every 15-20 minutes with the thought I couldn't breathe and sweating.
I got out of bed bc my dh and son continued to argue over ds homework.  Stop f@cking fighting with him and being mean verbally....put the shit away and make it be HIS problem.   And give him a break...he is sick!!!!!! 
We argued and I retreated back to my room. Light out.
I'm alone and the one person I wish would here me and care isn't able to.  Because hes stuck in his own place.  Whatever that may be.
J* asked me during my therapy appt this week if I thought he was struggling with having me be so down and out?  And how hard it must be for him to deal with 'me'.
I get that.  And I hear her.
What I think about that today is...fuck that!! 
I'm smothering, drowning AGAIN, and this time the pressure is even bigger.  There is much more to loose! 
  Somehow, it is my problem.
  Somehow, working was supposed to help me.
Somehow, my pdoc thinks therapy should help and working it out w/J* is the answer.
Somehow, J* thinks shes not helping bc we go again
and since I have more charts than Obama has assistants things must not be working.
Somehow, this shit has gotta end.  I CANT TAKE MUCH MORE!
And to J*...i say I'm broken! I'm defeated! I'm sick and tired of trying.  I feel like I'm smothering.

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