Friday, December 2, 2011


Updated to add: I had someone close to me who read this post and called to check in.  When I wrote this out I was in a bit of a tizzy between kids demanding my attention, husband demanding I go out to eat w/him and the kids and I just wanted to sit in my robe and lay on the couch w/my son, and....I did go to work for my AM shift.  It was my afternoon shift that I missed.

The only expecation I need can give myself is the permission to just be. 

And in the process.....
It  is not very pretty.
It includes me not leaving my room.
It includes me working only to come home so completely spent that I can't give anything to my family.
It includes me not working.

I knew I was not ready to go back to work. I knew that I was barely hanging on by a thread and that thread was pretty damn thin.  Even though I was doing better...I wasn't doing better.

I know my husband really wanted and felt that I needed to go back to work.
I know that financially we need me to work.
I know that my therapist feels that it is more productive and healthy for me to work.
I know that my psychiatrist agrees with my therapist. 
I knew that I was not reaady to return to work.

And here I am.....having worked 5 full days...and working a 1/2 shift yesterday bc my anxiety was so incredible bad.  And then today....anxiety and depression mixed together has made for one hell of a mess.  And in the process I will end up getting reprimanded at work bc I had myself in such a f*cking tizzy that I didn't call in sick w/in the time frame. I actually, ATTEMPTED to go to work...only didn't get there.  Then when I called they told me to come anyway...and well I couldn't so I ended up calling in sick after getting charged w/a late-out.  FUCKING SUCKS!!  I've never gotten a late-out and I'm stressing in a way that isn't even cool.  And all I can think about today is thinking about ending this battle. 

And sooo.....SOMEDAYS...when things are bad this is what I end up doing to 'tune' out the rest of the world...

It sometimes includes me editing photographs.
It sometimes includes me listening to Y.outube videos.  The same one...over and over and over....such as this one:

and dying my hair...REALLY REALLY RED!!

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