Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
This isn't the first time I have walked down this path in the last 15 yrs. I pray it is the last. And somehow, my gut says it isn't anywhere near the last. However, it is by far the hardest.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Sunday, November 3, 2013
I've contemplated for many reasons over the last several months about the possibility of changing to someone else. After I returned home from my trip to Utah in September it became painfully obvious that there was gonna need to be a change. She has put it out on the table on more than one occasion. And everytime I think about changing or she brings it up; I go back to the same place This last week we discussed it in greater depth. She gave me idea of someone w/in her office that I could see. When I left I made an appointment. There was still a very small voice in the back of my head that said "you could still go back to her if it doesn't work out with this new person."
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013
What I know is this: this picture describes exactly what I'm thinking and feeling.
I've laid on my couch the last 2 hours in silence. Staring aimlessly at a computer screen with nothing but mumbled up words, playing candy crush until I run out of lives, gasps of air in between the tears, pretty much sums it up where I'm at right now.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Friday, August 16, 2013
There are good and bad things about using Skype/Google Hang Out or any sort video chat.
My friend could tell I was really struggling. Struggling with the thoughts that were running ramped in my head. Trying to have a conversation, talk about whatever struck our fancy, and some more serious things. She is the level headed, thinking things clearly, and gives sound but sometimes hard to hear harsh advice. And I'm more the fly by the seat of my pants whatever I'm on a whim kind of person and say what I think as it comes to my head.
This night however, I wasn't able to say what I was thinking. I was silenced by the thoughts that were running rampid. She took a screen shot picture of me. I think she knows it pissed me off. The next morning, when I was thinking a bit more clearly, the screen still up on my computer from our video chat on Google...I saw that picture. And it struck me as harsh. Holy freaking hell it was harsh.
Then later in the day I read this post by Jen Daisybee. I was struck by how very similiar the things that go in out of of my thoughts were the same on some cellular level.
I sat on my couch and thought....if only I could have relayed that back to D last night as we were chatting. Or to my therapist yesterday as she tried reminding me to not shut down and remember her office was a safe place.
And then I re-hashed that appointment over and over in my head. WHY can't I share. WHY is it that I let these things have so much power over me. WHY? Why is is so damn hard to put words to the self harm. WHY?
I hear D's voice. "What are they saying?"
They were/are saying I can't trust anyone.
They were/are saying everyone is lying to me.
They were/are saying my family deserves better. And you/I am not it.
They were/are saying my children deserve a better mother. And you/I am not it.
They were/are saying if you just push a little bit harder on that scar on your forehead you will inadvertantly check out/pass out and be able to numb all this out.
They were/are saying if you continue to take scalding hot showers you can numb everything out for that time being. Enough you can fall asleep.
They were/are saying don't take that shower bc if you do then you will feel safe enough to fall asleep. Sleeping is not okay. You need to stay up.
They were/are saying your husband is tired of seeing you like this and going to find someone/where else to meet his needs...emotionally, physically, sexually, you name it...he will find it. And you/I will continue to be here. Alone.
They were/are saying this is as good as it gets. Always.
They were/are saying my therapist is full of shit. She believes I'm fine. She doesn't believe I'm fine. She is just a waste of my/your time.
They were/are saying you had a job you loved and you have screwed it up by hurting yourself.
They were/are saying you can't change. You can't get past this. You deserve every ounce of everything that comes your way.
They were/are saying the only way to end the insanity and the pain is to give up and let mental illness win. Resign to it.
And it goes on and on. I could sit here for hours. And get into the more intimate and details. I could go on about the abuse. About what a fucktard Randy was or was he? I could go on about all the things that keep me up at night.
These things. They are what the thoughts are saying.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Not many days go by where I am not reminded constantly that the path in life I am walking down is not a walk in the park. Many, okay most, days are excruciatingly rough emotionally. There are things I dearly love about my current situation. Then there are the things that I absolutely despise with every fiber of my being.
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
My entire life is not engulfed in suffering and a pit of pain. It really isn't. I have so much to be thankful for. This burden has taken ahold of my life, stuck a stick through my heart, and taken me down to my very core. It has and continues to hinder my everyday functioning. I know it doesn't have to be that way.
It doesn't have to be this way. I know it doesn't. And so, I continue to find hope where all seems hopeless. I continue to seek healing, where there appears to be none. I continue to lay my burdens and pain at His feet. Trusting that relief will be found as I lay these burdens before Him.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
I lost track on how many of those treatments were dual for anxiety and depression. AKA: Both sides.
And I'm tired of fighting it. Fighting the thought that 'it will get better'.
Tired of buying into the thought that 'it will get better'.
I'm not very positive today. You could probably say I"m never positive. And honestly, I don't care. I got out of bed yesterday to go to a massage. And came back home. Went back to bed. I'm writing this from my bed. I'm not working right now. Which it gives for more reason to not get up.
Monday, June 17, 2013
My inner critic and self doubt is raging higher than ever. And has already begun to wreak havoc. I know I shouldn't give in and I know that sabotage isn't the answer. Yet, when faced with fear and anxiety of the replayed tapes....I gave in. And here I did!
The next step is to call and find out if I have to work today bc I'm on call. Go to TMS and a therapy appt tonight. Both of which I wish I wasn't going to. Staying in bed seems to be the better alternative.
I know I need to get up.
Damnit I will.
No one said I have to like it.
Just freeking need to do it
Saturday, June 15, 2013
On Thursday, I met with the psychiatrist and she did the MT for the rTMS - which is on the right side of the brain and will treat for anxiety. The Beck Depression and Anxiety questionnaires have shown off the charts anxiety and depression. The Beck Depression is gradually getting better. Still in the 'severe' range. However, not off the charts type of range. Yesterday was the first day for me to receive the rTMS. It was triggering. It was downright horrible. I tolerated it because...I feel I need to. Because I want to find the hope on the horizon!! And so regardless of how horrible I might have felt it was. Regardless, of if it seemed like Chinese water torture.
The MT on both sides is pretty high. The computer/coils/machine gets hot. My head gets hot. My brain gets hot. Sitting in the chair for nearly 1.5-2 hours gets uncomfortable. It is what it is. And I will push through it till the end. I do believe the end is in sight. I hope so anyway.
A few differences that I've noticed TODAY:
**2 nights in a row...I slept more than 3-4 hours.
**Last night I fell asleep HARD and when I say hard I mean HARD. There is some not so positive aspects of that happening in relation to self harm/soothing stuff. However, I wasn't rattled by it like it usually does. Sure I was rattled. Sure the physical pain from biting yourself, leaving marks, and having your husband really have to intervene...suck. It didn't cause a domino effect where I ended up swirling. Self injury for me usually starts small and spirals to bigger and more out of control issues. That did not happen. Instead, I dealt with the backlash.
**Instead of coming home from a morning at the Farmer's Market and Chiropractor and going to bed "to take a nap...." I ate lunch w/my family. Did the dishes. Swept all of the floors. De-furminated our dog. Planted a perennial flower that has been sitting in the pot for a week. Prepared part of Sunday's dinner (Crockpot Lasagna). Took the dogs for a walk. And did several other things. I have not one time...laid down in bed to take a nap...OR...sat on the couch and checked out on my computer.
There has been only a few minor self harm/self sabatoge thoughts that have come/went.
Friday, May 31, 2013
My tolerance level for the damn woodpecker is better. Still gives me a headache every single day. However, not as intense. Amount of tylonel being taken before is less and less. The MT was raised this week. Overall my tolerance level for being there is getting a little bit better.
The million dollar question I keep getting asked from those around me and those who know I'm doing this is "How do you feel? Can you tell a difference?" Not noticing much of a difference in the positive realm of life. I've had a few people tell me they can see a small difference. I have a hard time believing them.
Life has a way of getting in the way. Knocking you upside the head, screaming at you to wake up and pay attention. This week I got that wake up call. I had an appt scheduled with my hemotologist for Wednesday. Because my summer work schedule is on-call I never know from week to week what my days off will be and some weeks I don't know what I will be working the next day until that day. It is crap-tastic at best. However, it is the best I could do when it came to picking for summer work schedules. I cancelled my hemo appt so I didn't have to miss work. I'm trying hard to get to work and not miss. Tuesday was a rough day. It was one that just plain and simple was rough. I went to bed in hopes of sleeping. Instead, sleep was no where in sight. NOT.EVEN.CLOSE. Exchanging texts w/a friend turned to emails bc that sometimes is easier on our phones. One thing led to another and we ended up talking on the phone into the weee hours of the morning. When we hung up I had about 2 hours before my alarm would go off for work. I knew I wouldn't be able to work. Since my job is safety sensitive...sleep is a nessassary commodity.
After I called in sick to work I began thinking about the appt that I cancelled because I had to work. Hoping and praying that time slot would still be available...I called the clinic the moment they opened. I was fortuanate to get in to see the new hemotologist. So thankful I did. So thankful that I choose her. My last dr. is ill and had to leave her practice. And sometimes there are blessings among tragic circumstances. This would be one of them.
We discussed some pretty heavy things. Things that I know. Things that I don't like to hear. Things like "you will probably need IV/PICC infusions every 12-18 months for 6-9 week intervals for the rest of your life."
I am scheduled to have a PICC placed on June 14th. My last experience was rather negative. The thought of having to relive that horror again is enough to make me sick. Yet, I know it needs to be done. This morning , I got up and called the clinic and spoke to one of the treatment nurses. Letting her know that having it done sooner than later is probably for the best. Waiting 2 weeks will only increase my anxiety over the entire situation. I'm still waiting to hear if they can get me in today or next Tuesday. Given that it is late morning today, my guess is it will not be scheduled till next week.
The good news is the iron levels were not as low as they have been in the past. The TIBC direct panel is raised and shows that it is likely I've been deficiant for awhile. Which I've known. Hoping things will turn around quickly!
Monday, May 20, 2013
I'm not all that interested in adding more time sitting in the chair and adding treatment to the opposite side for anxiety.
Not sure when that will happen.
I wish it was easy as keeping calm and taking meds.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
It was just myself and the technician. So much nicer not having an audiance glaring at every twitch and move I make.
So much nicer not having several people there. As I said previously, so far every single person has been nothing but awesome. My perception of the entire process isn't as awesome.
Which brings me to the next piece...
Over the last few days I've been incredible angry.
Angry that this is where I'm at.
Angry that this is the alternative.
Angry that damn it this is my fucking life.
And then the anger subsides for a short time.
And then a variety of other emotions come to the surface.
And then before I know it the barrage of emotions...come crashing down...and I find myself in a pile of tears sobbing.
Because damn it all...this is my life
Because damn it all...I hate this.
Because damn it all...I hate that THIS is basically the only option I have left.
Part 1 ~ Journey to Transcranial Magentic Stimulation
Part 2 ~ Jourey to TMS ~ An Answer to A Prayer
I can't promise I will blog/journal the entire process. However, in the first week or two I will try. With weekly updates as time goes on. There are not very many blogs that discuss TMS Treatment/Therapy.
The following was wrote the evening after my first appointment and the day or so after.
Week One....Day One....or so I thought.
Today was the beginning of treatment.
Or so I thought. It was my hope anyway. Instead, I sat for almost 2 hours in the TMS chair while the psychiatrist and assistant attempted to find the motor threshold.
They were unable to find the spot they needed.
I will return at the end of the week and see a different doctor from the sister-clinic.
My anxiety was high before the appt. today. It is much higher now. I came home and spent the next two hours puking. And the last 2 hours I've spent trying to stay present, not give in to the negative self talk and swirling associated with it.
TAKE 2....Week One...Day One...Retake.
Today was the beginning of treatment...repeat.
Dr. W came from another clinic about 1.5-2 hours away. The psychiatrist that will be overseeing my treatment is local and new(er) to TMS.
Dr. W set up some parameters at the beginning. Talked to me a little bit about a few options that he/we would have have if he was unable to locate the spot that was needed. It took a great deal of self talk to get me to this appointment. My toleraence level was markedly less today than when I was there on Monday. After what seemed like hours they found the particular spot they were looking for...or...so they thought and on my way to getting this crap done and over with for the day.
After finding the proper placement they needed to find the proper dose or whatever it is called.I believe it is called MT-Motor Threshold. I can't remember right off hand.
And then they started the first treatment. I had watched several different videos on what to expect, what it feels like, and all that other jazz. When Dr. W described what I may/may not feel he didn't give a very accurate description. He told me "depending on how well you tolerate it...we may need to tweek the angle a little bit...if it hurts in your eye, teeth, or left side of your face let me know..."
SOB....he was so incredible way off. I truly had no idea how horrific it would be. I don't blog this to scare anyone off. I'm brutally honest. I wish that I had somewhat of a clue what to expect. That first set took me off guard. To say it was awful would be an understatement.
Treatments are generally 37-40 minutes long or some damn thing like that. However, the target dose is higher and requires the system to take a longer break. Which means treatments will take about an hour and half.
There was much unraveling today. I received half of the treatment today because of the length of time it took to find the motor threshold. By the time I was done we were done today.... I was DONE....and I really was MORE than DONE!
It was comforting to have the technician be as understanding as she was. My gut tells me she will be good to work with on a daily basis. Trusting her will be another story. The Dr. and Technician from the sister clinic were super nice and sweet. However, my tolerance for men providers isn't always the best.
It took quite awhile for me to pull myself back together so I could go to work. I worked the rest of the day. Stuffed the emotions and feelings associated with this. The moment I am in my car and alone - the tears turn into sobs.
I'm angry. VERY angry.
I hate that I have to do this.
I hate that this is my life.
I hate everything about this.
Part 1: Journey to Transcranial Magnetic Therapy
It had been about 2 months since I heard from the TMS Clinic. As I wrote previously (and below), it came at a very low point.
In a nutshell, the clinic manager called and let me know that they were still working with my insurance company. And because of the complexity of the insurance issues, they were willing to take a risk and start treatment.
An answer to a prayer.
I wrote the following excerpts in a google document about a week ago the day before I went for the first appointment/treatment (that treatment didn't happen...more on that later)
*Initially when I got the call from the TMS Center...I was very hopeful. I immediately text/called two of my closest friends. Speaking with one of them on the phone while she was working. Fear, self sabotage, and all that other crap didn't have a chance to sink in at that point.
The call came on a day when I was unable to get out of bed. At a point where not much more fight was left.
That call was nearly a month ago. I've had plenty of time to back out. I've had plenty of time not to follow thru and just plain build my anxiety up so damn high I can't stand myself. Night terrors have filled nearly every single night of the last 3-4 weeks. Much in relationship to TMS therapy.
And my anxiety is extremely high. LOTS AND LOTS of anxiety!
There is no turning back. I can't keep going like this. I know something has to change.
So I will go.
And make the best of it.
And pray for the best.
In less than 24 hours, I will go for the initial treatment. I'm not sure that I can do this. I don't want to go alone. I will. I have to. My children deserve to have their mother back. If anything else. They deserve to have a mom. And I deserve to be their mom w/everything that I've got.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
I'm pretty certain it wasn't an hour after she gave it to me that I made the call to the clinic. They were doing consult/intakes at no charge. At this point in the game...I had NOTHING to loose. A day or two later I received a phone call from the intake coordinator (or whomever it was) and made an appointment for a day or so later.
I went home the evening after making the appointment and googled TMS Therapy. I asked on my FB Blog page if anyone had heard about it. I had a few responses. Nobody that really had any knowledge. I read and watched the information on the Neurostar website that was provided in the pamphlet. It seemed very promising. The video in my opinion was very cheesy and fake. I came across the following videos from an excerpt on the Dr. Oz show.
Please check out these videos to learn more:
*Fair warning* Dr. Oz is a bit over the top. Which he is with many things. However, this is one of the best descriptions and "real" videos I've come across so far.
Dr. Oz Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation: nA Cure for Depression? Part One
I received a phone call about a week or two later telling me they had a financial assistance program and I could apply for a scholarship.
I filled the form out immediately upon receiving it in an email and sent it back the very same evening.
It was awesome assistance. However, it still wasn't feasible. I tried to figure out every way imaginable to make it work. I knew I was sliding down a very slippery slope. And needed help soon.
It wasn't long after that my husband had his little mini meltdown (in my ever so humble opinion that is what I will call it). He was faced with having surgery, the possibility of having prostate cancer, and in general he was sick of my shit. I am sick of myself. I can't imagine what those who live with me must feel like. I am/wasn't faking it very well. I know that things were bad. And they weren't getting any better.
My husband was adamantly against using our tax refund towards partial payment for treatment. I spoke to my mom about borrowing the money from them. It wasn't going to be an option. I let the clinic know that we could not do it right now. We have tapped out every single penny and then some with taking out a loan with my shoulder injury. And any more debt was not feasible at this point.
I didn't hear anything again for about a month or two. Just a quick call letting me know that they had received a denial from my insurance company (not a surprise...I knew it was not going to be approved) and they had filed an appeal. However, it could take about a year for the appeal process. She informed me they had requested my medical records from my psychiatrist and therapy notes from my therapist. A day or so later I saw my therapist and she informed me she had received the request. She was not going to send all 13 years of treatment notes. However, did I agree with her sending a letter instead. I firmly believe that is/was better idea. Treatment notes can be subjective to whomever is reading/writing them.
Okay. Fine. I left it at that. I think that was the beginning of March.
Until I got a phone call...not quite a month ago...on a day that I had not gotten out of bed.
It's been rocky at best.
However, treatment has started.
Over the next few blog posts I will write what/how it came about.
Monday, May 6, 2013
My computer is at G.eek S.quad getting fixed. Online access has been limited to my phone and iPad. Hopefully, it will be done today. My dh has appt to pick if up.
The last few days have been a whirlwind of emotions. Many ups and downs. The uncertainty of the next 4-6 weeks and the treatment I'm about to partake in has had my stomach in knots.
On my way to work this am Pink's 'Try' was playing in the radio. It is the reminder I needed for today.
I will blog more once I get my computer back about TMS Therapy, how if came to be, the good, the bad, and how it has/is helping me. Today is day 1.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
After a few months of uncertainty, I will begin a new form of treatment for treatment resistant depression. It isn't something that is well known. I will blog more in next few days. If you follow my FB page you may be aware of what type of treatment.
I will do this treatment! I will not back down. I will be OK. Regardless of how incredible scared I am.
That being said....
I am incredible terrified.
Filled with fear.
Fueled with fear.
Unable to really talk abt any of the fears associated with it.
I had 4 separate doctor appts today. Yearly physical with my PCP whom I've not seen in a year. That brought with it a bag full of triggers.
Chiropractor for my back that crapped out on me this week and had me flat on my back 50% of the last few days.
Occupational therapy for my shoulder.
Last but not least a psych appt....and it didn't go very well. I lost my shit. I was ugly.
I came home and received phone call to set up treatment. Starting Monday. And it has pretty much left me speechless...paralyzed in fear...unable to think rational on any matter.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
It is all in the eye of the beholder.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
I know the DBT skills. I was in the group for 9-10 months about a year and half ago. I do use the tools I was taught. However, there is a very strong part of me that is unable to use those tools from time to time. Okay, often I'm unable to use them.
As I drove home this afternoon from an appointment w/my orthopedic surgeon, the reality of I really do need to attend this group again. Many feelings came up over the course of the next few hours.
This picture kind of illustrates some of those feelings. A small scared kitten...coming upon big bad puppies at the door in front of me. Those puppies are nothing but lovable, endearing, and probably will be my best allies in due time. Just as healing can provide the same comfort.
Overwhelmed with fear. Urges came to the surfaces. Ones that I couldn't fight off. I want to hide and run away at the same time. I've wanted to do everything possible to not feel the true feelings about "What is really behind the emotions regarding this group..."
I came home and took the DBT binder and put it in the trash. Determined that I don't need this group. I don't want to attend. I am overwhelmed with the thought of it. And so, forget it. I'm not going there again. Hell to the no.
This is where the self sabotage comes into play. I have the opportunity to give this group a try again. I have the opportunity to get the help that I need. Not everyone is blessed with the ability to have unlimited mental health coverage like I do. It comes at a high price (stress of my job) and I don't for a moment take it for granted.
What the hell am I so afraid of? Why throw the damn book in the garbage? WHY? I took it out of the garbage. Put it back in the drawer where I took out of and walked away. The urges were more than I could fight off, again. I gave in. Again. For as long as there was hot water, I hide ran away from the intense feelings of where this was all coming from. The fear became tears. I could feel (or taste) the tears as I stood in the hot shower. I could feel those feelings. And at that moment....I knew what the hell I'm so incredible afraid of. What was driving the fear. The self sabotage. The self harm.
Holy Hannah it has taken me forever to write this far....to admit it...what I'm afraid of..I'm stuck. Stuck in being honest with myself.
I think I'm afraid of finding out who the real ME is. I'm afraid I will find out that I have the ability to beat this. I'm afraid I will find out that I have the ability to live the best life I can and it is a life worth living. I'm afraid of finally having to feel the real emotions, and figuring out at the end of the day, who "ME" is. Oh my hell that is freaking terrifying...being afraid of yourself is scary as hell.
Typing that..,,took me over an hour. In between puking and typing...I got it out there.
I've done DBT before. I know what the work is. I know it isn't easy. Nothing in life worth fighting for is easy. I fear that a second go around won't work. And if that is the case I don't know what will. I know that I need to find acceptance with where I am at the moment. That taking things one step at a time is the only way out.
Yet it is so f*cking terrifying. I am acutely aware of who one of the psychologist working with this group is. She is understanding, compassionate, and she knows how incredible difficult dealing with this shit is. I know she only expects each participant to do the best she can do and be honest with herself (and them). It is all anyone can ask and it has to be enough.
My options right now are limited.
Self sabotage is not an option.
I know that I need to find healing.
I know that finding acceptance in all of this will come. In due time. My options for this evening and the days ahead are to breathe and accept the challenges that lay ahead of me and accepting this group is something that would be in my best interest (along with whatever type of treatment that is needed).
Not sure where I heard this quote....it fits perfectly with today's theme.
"Sometimes the most courageous act is showing love and kindness towards yourself..."
I need to remember this. I want to remember this. At the very moment I can't remember it.