Monday Musings...When Depression Strikes

For every individual, depression is a very personal situation.  Each person, each experience is unique in its own way.  Today, for me, it is a dark shadow hanging over my head and everything I do.  It has followed me from home to my therapy appointment and back home.  It doesn't matter how much I love my family, the glitch in my brain chemistry has me feeling very alone, inadequate, worthless, and in a downright very dark space.

These dips are common.  They wax and wane. Some days are brought on by circumstances.  Other days they are part of the how things roll.  Sometimes it is a mixture of both.  There are days that it takes me by surprise and others times it is terrifying because I know what is next.

Taking medications isn't for me.  Most have come with pretty significant side effects.  Life altering, life threatening, doing the opposite of what they were intended to side effects.  None have truly helped.

It isn't that I don't have very good tools and don't know how to pull myself out of the dark hole that I am in.
I do.  I've been here before.  Most days I'm pretty successful at using the tools to keep my head above water.  Today those tools are garbage.  Just like someone who has high blood pressure, diabetes, or high cholesterol tries to keep their numbers w/in range to remain healthy, I have and do try very hard to stay above water.

Most of the time I am effective.  Sometimes, like today, it gets away from me. I've used the tools and done what I know has (and usually helps).  I've reminded myself over and over something that my current therapist has said.  None of it has helped. And with each attempt to pull my shit together. I fall deeper and deeper. The one thing I know to do is to shut down.  Push everyone around me away and create a bubble in order to protect myself from further pain.

One of the things I have learned over and over is that silence magnifies the state that I'm in.  A sure way to add fuel to the fire is isolate myself from those around me and it is only a matter of time before the fire is burning to bright and I can't hide it any longer.  Yet, pulling out of the silence is sometimes to much.

I'm sharing this not because I want or need sympathy or pity from you.  I want whomever may be reading this to know that perfectly normal people, strong people, the father sitting next to you in church, the bus driver who took you to work this morning, the clergyman sitting in front of his congregation....each of them sometimes have a condition that can get out of control.

I am not an oddball by any stretch of the imagination when it comes to sharing my own struggles.  Millions of individuals suffer from one or more mental disorders. Far to many go undiagnosed because of the stigma that is associated with mental illness.

If your best friend had a brain tumor, you wouldn't tell her to try harder.   You wouldn't tell her that if she did XYZ than she would for sure feel better.  You probably wouldn't drop off the face of the earth because it was to much to handle and she was full of drama.

Last summer, when I went through TMS therapy, I went alone.  Every.single.day.for.several.weeks.  My husband did not go with me.  My local friends and family did not go with me.  Yet, for someone who has to have chemotherapy, you may take a meal, offer to clean their house, or offer to help in some other manner. I felt those around me were expecting this miracle and I would be much better.  And when I wasn't much better, I walked away feeling like I failed.  I still feel like I've failed.  My father has cancer.  If the treatment regimen he is enduring doesn't work he is not the one that failed.  We as a society will not look at him and think he failed and didn't do everything he could have done.

There are plenty blogs and articles wrote on 'mental illness vs physical illness' and how family and friends treat it so different.  I've found this to be extremely true in my own life.

I write this in hopes that somehow, someone, will find a way to reach out if you sense someone close to you is struggling with mental illness.  Speak from your heart.  Speak honestly.  Speak without harsh judgement. You wouldn't speak harsh to someone with a brain tumor.  Don't do it to someone who is struggling on any level.

This illness.  This stigma.  It is debilitating.  It is overwhelmingly lonely. It can be deadly.

~There' s no title for this~

Here is a little scenario that played out last night.  I've tried to write about it in a way that makes sense and it isn't happening.  Bare with me here folks.  If you get to the end of this...bless your heart.  There is a point that I'm trying to get across.  A positive one (kind of) and one that needs to be followed....if you get to the end.

We were gone all day yesterday at my Aunt's house for our Family Thanksgiving.  We left early yesterday morning because I had a chiro appt for my shoulder.  I fell on Thursday in my parents hot tub and did a number on my shoulder.  (Really...I did.  It wasn't pretty.) My appt with Dr. M yesterday morning was a bit tortuous.  I was already in a mood that was to be reckoned with.  

While at my Aunt's house yesterday we were informed that our Family Christmas was going to be held one week earlier than usual.  There was no warning.  Just "this is when we are having it".  The Aunt who is in charge of it this year took it upon herself to 'change it'.  And generally this wouldn't be an issue.  I'm not working weekends right now and won't be for several months.  I had been told by my mom it was possible going to be changed to the Saturday before Christmas. I wasn't very happy about that.  However, that date would be better for us.  We don't ever go anywhere other than to my parents house or my families.  We rarely ever travel and generally don't make plans to go anywhere.  However, I had an idea brewing in my head.  This particular weekend...the last weekend of the year is our "Anniversary Weekend".  We don't do much if anything.  And my husband has been given the opportunity to have a 3 day construction job that weekend.  So we really didn't have much for plans.  But I had been thinking about plans....plans to head to see my BFF.  I had not talked to my dh and was waiting to run it by my BFF before I talk to dh.  And this was going to be the weekend I thought about going.  

In general I don't get myself worked up or upset about things like this.  My mom's family is pretty large (7 siblings total) and I just go with the flow.  I let them all get all po'd at each other. And I stay out of it.

All the way home I stewed and stewed about this bit of information.  The more I thought about it the more upset it made me.  

We got home and I began to prepare our dinner for today.  Cutting veggies and making rice that would end up in the crock pot this morning before we headed to church. While I was chopping the veggies whirlwind of impulsive self harm thoughts became more and more intrusive.  I've never purposely cut myself.  There have been moments where it has taken every ounce of my ability not to.  Last night was one of those times. 

Instead I called my dh into the kitchen.  His response was to 'not use real onions just put in the onion flakes' and he refused to cut the onions and mushrooms.  I wasn't able to fully tell him why I needed him to help me.  He had a mindset that it was my idea to make this dinner for today and so it was me who needed to do it.

We bantered back and forth. It was more me looking for a fight.  I take full responsibility for it.  If I was bantering with him...I wasn't cutting myself.  And at that moment it seemed to be the lessor of two evils.  One thing led to another. I was an emotional mess...I started spewing shit such as...to bad my head wouldn't fit under then damn food chopper thing.  He responded with "you sound like ___ ____".  And back and forth.  I took his phone off the phone charger and threw at him telling him he needed to call ___ ___ and tell him that."
The bantering went back and forth some more. Mostly me. Him ignoring me. Which just pissed me off even more.

What came out of my mouth next kind of surprised me as I said it.  And I know it took the wind out of my dh's sail.  In a nutshell I told him that "__ __ needed a friend.  One that could understand where he was coming from.  One that wasn't judgmental.  Which is where I'm at. The only person I have that somewhat understands lives 6 hours away.  And maybe if I had someone locally who GOT ME who I could call and talk to or show up at their house for whatever reason...that I could just sit on their couch and watch TV with....maybe things would be different."  He responded with "what the hell am I? Chopped liver?"  To which my response was "listen to yourself...just listen to the double bind you just put yourself in? You are telling ME who has a knife and food chopper in my hand that I sound like __ __ bc of what I just said.  I asked you to help me. Not because I don't want to do it. But because I was putting my own safety at risk. I don't need to tell you every time I want to hurt myself.  Nor will I.  Because of the things YOU just said. Do you REALIZE how often I am in that frame of mind or space? No you don't. Because YOU don't fucking listen to me. You refuse to help and said use processed food. I don't want to do that. I'M TRYING to make healthy meals for our family.  He followed with I didn't tell him and if I would have he would helped me.  At that point he was trying to. But I had a knife in my hand and refused to let him.  He knew to back off.

Our friend he mentioned we know from a distance struggles with depression. My husband has been helping them with some remodel projects over the last year.  He was our best man.  They are not close friends and we have never invited them over for dinner.

I put the knife down and proceeded to call this family.  Without talking to my husband or making sure it was okay with him...I decided to invite them over for dinner.  To take that first step and reach out a hand of love and support.  Whatever it might look like.  

Conversation went something like this...

ME:  Hi S...what are you doing tmw afternoon after church?
S:  Nothing, why?
ME: I think it would be great if  J, J and You came over for dinner. Are you up for that?
S: I don't know. I can ask J.

ME: Well, you are more than welcome to come.
S: Well if J doesn't come can I still come?
ME:  Heck yeah S. You know that. I think our families truly need to spend more time together.

Our conversation went on for about 2-3 more minutes while we discussed dinner/time and such.

I got off the phone.  My dh looked at me stunned as hell.  And said "So the G's care coming for dinner.  When do you plan on cleaning the house?"

I responded I dind't give a flying f* what the house looked like. If they didn't like it that was to bad.  At the end of the day....S deals with a husband who struggles in the very same manner than I do.

This evening S showed up w/her 14 yr old son.  Minus her husband.  She apologized over and over.  He left church early because he was stressed and having some severe anxiety over work situation. I told her "S you have no reason to apologize. I get it. I really do."  When my dh came upstairs she apologized again to him.  Telling him "J was stressed and sleeping."  She's from another country and has some really strict cultural manners.  She felt horrible that we had invited their family and he didn't come.  I made it really clear that "I understood....".  Even telling her that 9 out of 10 times you don't see me in church are for the same reasons. I get it. And she doesn't need to apologize.

Before anyone served their dinner I got a dish for her husband, got desert and rolls ready to send home to him.  When she left I made sure to let her know that he was missed and to please let him know that "we...not just I get it."  My husband said nothing. Not one word.

I'm tired.
I'm mentally and emotionally drained.
This incident took my thoughts/impulses off of myself at that moment to not cut, burn, or whatever it might have been.  Instead, it put the reflection (in my opinion) back on my husband that "WE" are not alone in this fight.  He was able to hear S talk a little bit about her frustration.  Their 14 yr old son was able to hear another mom/parent say "this sucks but it is okay and I'm glad you came even though your father didn't".

And now...

The desire and impulse to hide behind what is easy for me...taking hot shower/bath and burning myself has been strong. THUS why I'm writing this post. And from here I will go to bed. Instead of hiding behind the pretense that I need heat on my shoulder and taking a bath.  I will use a microwaveable rice heating pad. And go to bed.    

Thankfulness Project Monday

Several months ago I did a "Thankfulness Project Monday" post.  When Musings of a Counselor got a bit busy in her life and stopped doing them...I kinda forgot about it, too.  Even though I didn't write a post each week...I still looked forward to her posts and miss them.

So today I decided to take them back up. I hope and pray that I will be able to keep up with them and post every Monday.  At the end of the day, after we've been in and out of the ick over and over....we still have so very much to be thankful for.  And so with that in mind...here goes it.  No promises.  Just will say that I will give it a try.

• Naturally we all tend to think first how thankful we are for our children and family.  I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt how lucky I am to have the spirits that I do in my life. I know that my Father in Heaven hand picked not only my husband for me, but my children.  Even the one who is no longer technically MY child...he will forever be sealed for time and all eternity to me and he was chosen to be my son...even if he choose not to accept my love for him and the ability to get better.  I am eternally thankful for each my children.  For the foster child that we've had in our home.  For all that each of these children of mine have taught me.  EVEN when it is so very very hard!
• I am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father. Who knows me. Who hears me. Who knows every single hair on my body.  My aches and pains.  My faith has continues to be weary and weak.  However, there are glimmers here and there.  In my darkest of moments, I know that my Heavenly Father has walked that path right beside me.  Even though, I might not admit it.  
• I am thankful for the ability to have some sort of work and income during my recovery period after my surgery.  Not all of my coworkers with similiar injuries have that option because their cases were denied by the workers compensation company.
• I am thankful for such beauty that surrounds me.  Each day as I drive to work it is apparent the seasons are changing. Ever so fast and it is a tad scary to think about being snowed in this winter.  We were blessed with a mild winter last year.  I don't believe we will be so blessed this year.  We can only hope and pray that we will be.
• I am thankful for the dear friend that I have.  Whom I can call (even though I don't) when I need it most.  To know that she loves me regardless of my flaws.  Regardless of my dreariness.  That I can ask her "What should I do about these meds...." and we can have this conversation about "the crazies" and how freaking hard it is.  I can't even talk about this with my husband on this level.  And so, for that...I'm so thankful.  She's been such a stellar of strength to me and I love her so incredible much.  (Now...dang it all if my shoulder/arm would cooperate I would drive thr 5.5 hrs and 2 states away to go see her...but I just can't make that drive right now. booooo)
• I will be forever thankful for access to medical care.  Without that access I am certain that I would not be writing this post. I would not be sitting in my living room in the wee hours of the middle of the night.  That I have a job that provides me with the best coverage I could ask for.  I'm more than willing to pay double of what I pay...in order to have the coverage I have.  It is truly a blessing that I believe so many people take for granted.

HOW ABOUT YOU?
What are you THANKFUL FOR?
Share your link in the comments OR on I Will Get Up Again and Again's Facebook Page!

No Words

There are no words to accurately described how incredible upset I am this evening. 

None.

I've cried till I can't cry.
I've cursed till I can't curse.

I've thrown shit till there was nothing more to throw.

I've cursed some more, cried some more....

Because I am the next of kin and the ONLY child that was not adopted at birth or by step-parent and because he never married the GF he lived with for the last many years.....

I am responsible for releasing his body.
I am responsible for giving permission to his parents, sister, GF....whomever to do as they wish.

And I'm pissed.

I hope the SOB rots in hell.

And in the mean time....I'm left to pick up the pieces. 

I am not an evil person.
I want my Grandfather, Aunt, his GF and whomever else to have that closure.
I don't want to be responsible for giving that permission.  

I shouldn't have to.

And shit it if isn't being laid on my lap.

I don't want to call the Medical Examiner's office.
I don't want to be told how/why he died.
I didn't want my Aunt to tell me how he died.
I don't want to know.

He never cared about me.  Why should I care about him?

F* this sucks.

I can't do this right now.  I barely have had my head above water long enough to take a breathe. I was just at a point where I could see the light flicke.  And son of a bitch if it wasn't all thrown back in my face.  

Sh*t or Get off the Pot

This morning I started my day by making the trek to see the "new" surgeon.  He is conservative that is for sure.  I wonder have asked myself over and over in the last few weeks...today..."Did you make the right choice by choosing this guy over his best friend and fellow surgeon.  I will probably never know the answer to this question.  Since this is a work related injury and I'm on my 2nd opinion since the Jackhole, I saw a month ago...I cant change doctors.  Which, is fine with me.  He's not ready to jump into doing surgery until he is confident he knows 100% what is going on and what the source of my pain is.  However, I'm struggling w/being patient.  Patience and I don't always get along.  And this is one of those times. 

I left the clinic today thinking that old saying my mom used to say to all.the.freeking.time.  "Just shit or get off the pot".  And that is where I'm at.

Until then...I remain w/the same restrictions.  I return in 3 weeks.  In hopes for more answers.  He gave me an answer today as to what the problem is right now...  adhesiv.e capulitis....AKA:  froze.n s.houlder.  I've got a long road to recovery, I think.  Which is depressing.

I returned to work for a few hours and then made the trek back to the same side of town I was on earlier in the day to see H*.  I have seen her weekly for the last 3 weeks.  Last week and today some pretty heavy stuff came up.  As in staying present was very difficult.  I struggled getting dressed. I struggled sitting in her office afterwards talking for a few moments.  The fight or flight internal mode was in high gear.  As she shared w/me her experience and what she felt happened and the shifts she felt, I thought I didn't think about it on the same level.  She felt like there was a shift.  Shift in energy, shift in my own personal trauma work, shift in general.  An area that she has never felt to be an issue before screamed very loud and clear.  It was a bit of a different shift for me.  I felt the shift and definately agree that it was different than usual.  I got up feeling stuck.  Stuck and unbalanced so to speak.  The intense pain and areas that were screaming to me while I was there....left shortly after I left her home/office. 

I had a psychiatrist appt w/K*.  I sat outside her office trying to gather my thoughts.  After getting to a place where I was feeling pretty good I went in to my appt.  As usual, K* irked me.  I let her know she was irking me.  I also made it loud and clear that I was not going to continue to have the disagreement that we were having.  She was agreeing with the first Jackhole surgeon.  She did not hear what I was attempting to say.  She was not hearing that I've followed the treatment plan for my shoulder 100%+.  She had it stuck in her head that "after your WLS you ate nothing but popcorn....when asked you said nope not supposed to but....its good and thats what I want".  SHe failed to remember that was the ONLY FOOD (other than toast) that didn't make me vomit for months on end.  When she got stuck on that fact...I got a bit pissed.  And made it VERY CLEAR she could "remember those things if she so choose...and that was 8 fucking years ago (okay I didn't say fuck but came fucking close),  I also made it clear that I would not change her perception, thoughts, or whatever it was that needed to be changed. SHe could think those things if she wanted.  But she did not have all the facts and I was no longer going to debate or argue the point w/her.  I have a new surgeon. He will make an informed choice about surgery and if I'm a canidate based on his findings. Not based on a dx on my chart for which I was never questioned about."  I got my point across. Which was good.

The guilt factor is really coming on hard after yesterdays blow up w/little man.  He sees someone at the same clinic that my pdoc/therapist work at.  I took the kids to dinner after our appts.  I asked little man how his appt was and was there anything he wanted to share w/me.  His face got red, looked away and said nope.  I poked a little bit and said "Did you talk w/Dr. K* about mommy's bad day ysterday and how I got upset and yelled at you?"  He sheepishly shook his head yes.  I told him I was proud that he could talk to him and he was honest w/me about it.  I followed the conversation up with "I hope you were able to remember that mommy did apologize?"  He didn't remember me coming to him afterwards in tears, telling him there was nothing that he did that was his fault and it was all mommy....and blah blah blah...  My heart sank.  And the last several hours guilt has crept in and I feel horrible.  I don't want to be that mom.  I've tried so fucking hard to change that and not blow up at my kids.  The damage is done.  Damn it all.

My heart continues to be heavy as I attempt to find and describe what that safe space will be, how I will get myself there, and what it would look like...in moments of distress, suicidal ideations, and severe downward spirals.  The heaviness comes from the resistance of doing the work.  It is work that I know needs to be done.  Work that I know in my heart I'm ready to do...to move fwd...to shit and get off the pot..  The other part is being able to describe those spaces...I was able for the first time in a very very long time....remove myself from the situation yesterday, to that spot that is safest and quietest for me....I was able to consiously choose NOT to use the hottest water possible...instead just hot enough to be soothing and drown out what needed to be drowned out at that moment.  In doing so, after using all the hot water, I was able to return to what I was doing, attempt to repair the damage w/little man (which i realize today didn't work) and move on. 

I've rambled in this post more than I ever intended to.  It's late.  Everyone is asleep.  The demon puppy is asleep and has finally stopped terrorizing everything/one insight. 

I blog for my own therapy.  Tonight...I needed that therapy.  I've wrote several blog posts and have them in the drafts.  Most likely they will never be published.  And maybe someday, when I'm not in a vulnerable space, when I'm able to speak about the sexual abuse and other crap....I will share them.  For now, it's off my chest.  And I know that I don't have to share them w/anyone but myself.

Just Some Thoughts...

...for a Monday evening.

***I am not returning to work tmw.  Or the next.  Or the next day.  That's okay.  It will be okay unless I get slack from Work Comp.  Then...it will be really NOT OKAY.  Until then....I will just go on the premise that I KNOW that I got hurt (again) at work.  And the video will prove it. 

***Since I was at my appt. last week I've lost a few lbs.  Nothing to go writting home to mom about..but some.  I've not cut out the diet soda I drink.  Nor am I at this point.  Another Soul Sister commented to my friend S* on FB and said "I am certain I am not fat because I drink coffee." And that my friends....or should say lukers...is my entire belief.  Sure it does not help.  However, it isn't the reason.  I had another friend try telling me today that I need to stop drinking it.  She can stop drinking it and I will praise her.   My first "real attempt" at making something "somewhat on the vegan aspect" was a huge flop. 

***I posted this picture on FB this morning.  It is a great one by Greg Smith. I love it. Sometime this week I will sit down and creat my "Blessing Tree".  I encourage you to do the same.  Feel free to share it with me.  I would love to see the differences in everyones "Blessing Tree's".

***This evening as my son and I were coming home from a therapy appt we had a rather interesting discussion.  Or so I thought.  We spent the last 3 miles telling each other what we "thought the other person was good at".  My son told me some things that I can laugh at...yet its a tender spot in my heart.  I started this blog post with intentions on sharing them.  I have since decided to not share them because well.....even though my son thought he was telling me "good things"...they really are a reflection of how my son sees me.  And even though it might seem funny.  Deep down...it really isn't. 

***I'm headed to bed early...bc well I 'broke' the rules of the 'healthier' eating plan and think I'm going to be sick.  Taking a hot shower and going to bed seem like good ideas to me right now.

Crazy

My heart is heavy (heavier) this evening as my dd questioned me about an upcoming therapy appt.  My dh and I had discussed that we would very cautiously approach this subject with her.  Not give her 'much time' to worry and fret over it before her actual appt.  He let it slip on Saturday and wasn't very good about giving her a 'soft and cautious' approach about why we have felt the need to make her an appt.

This afternoon my husband was gone w/my youngest to a chiropractor appt.  I came home from lunch w/my mom. I had a chiro appt early this morning followed by a massage.  Instead of working on my back and shoulder, H* felt the need to do energy work. I did not really clue her in as to how my weekened went but just said I have had a tough few days.  I left that appt w/her telling me to take plenty of time intergrating back into myself and not to drive until I was ready.  It was draining on all levels.  Driving nearly 3 hours round trip for a 1 hour lunch w/my mom was nice...but even more draining.

The moment I walked in the door my dd asks me about this appt.  I had no clue she knew.  I also had no clue that my husband let the shoe drop and didn't talk to her about it.  He told her it was because of something totally unrelated as to why.  Not knowing why and feeling completely terrified she went to the neighbor girl whom she is very good friends with and asked her "Why do you think my parents would want me to see a therapist". 

Long story short...only crazy people see therapist. She sees me as being crazy and depressed.  It didn't come out in that manner.  It came out in a 12.5 yr olds thinking. It hurts deep.  It was the things that came out...that fuel the "my kids deserve better" montra.  The montra that plays very loud more often than not.  Ultimately...my biggest fears...came out of my daughters mouth this evening. 

I tried to keep myself composed and in a "concerned mom mode".  I explained to her as gentle and loving as I could why her dad and I feel it would be best for her to see someone.  I hope and pray that she was able to know that I am coming from a place of love.  I pray she was not able to see the deep shame, pain and frustration...I tried so hard to keep from her.  She went on her way. I spent 45 minutes sobbing in a hot shower, trying to compose myself....I've not done so well.

I return to work in a few short hours.  My heart hurting more than it has in a very long time.  I have absolutely no clue who I will manage to get to the end of each day.....and the only thing that I can say right now or think is...fuckity fuck fuck.

Beauty

For today...
Skies are deep blue.
The wind is fierce and there is a briskness in the air.
I will attempt to....
Let Go...
And Let God.
I am heart sick regarding a few things my children are dealing with.  I will continue to fight amd find out what is wrong with my son medically.  I will try to approach the things with my daughter gently.
That's all I can do for today.

Simple

Portrait taken during Senior Portrait Session at the local Botancial Garden

Somedays all you can do is keep it simple ...

.... today would be one of those days.

I'm not a Hallmark fan. I dont' get overly excited about flowers or crap like that.  My son has developed a rather significant/severe allergy to mold that is found commonly in household plants/fruit.  We are making an special effort to NOT have any sort of houseplant or flowers in our home.  We do have a cactus that will be finding a new home soon.  Therefore, there is no special "flowers"...they die anyway.  I mentioned....I'm not a big fan of the holiday. 

A simple..."I Love You" and making a point to spend quality time together is all I ask.  I did not buy a card. I did not buy my husband a gift.  He actually bought his own gift. I called him while he was at Ace Hardware last night and said "uh...pick up that tool box you wanted...."  That is how we roll!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My kids often count "how many sleeps" to something they are excited or happy about doing.  After tonight....I have 2 more sleeps.  Then I get so see my dear sweeet friend S* and her family.  I don't care about seeing her family. (No offense S* meant).  I just am so blessed and excited to hear her voice...in person.  Her smile.  Her laugh.  Her awesome hugs.  Simple things!  That mean the world to me.

I've lost track (or I've tried to not think about it bc I'm excited and nervous and well.....I will leave it at that) but after these few 'sleeps'...it will be less than 12-13 sleeps and I will get to hug, kiss, love on her...and vise versa again....with a few other of my dear sweet trauma momma friends.  I need this time to refuel my cup...and so does everyone of the 89 other woman who will join us...and the 7 other woman that I will share a house with for 3 days.

Smothering

Description of how my day has went.
I had a massage that I had looked forward to for several days.  Several different times I told H* to stop.  I felt like I couldn't breathe and it continued.  She was very sensitive to my needs and met me where I was at.
As I ate lunch with my dh and son...it continued.  My husband put his hand on my leg and said on several occassions....wht is wrong you your  upset/nervous about something.  I told him I woke up with an overwhelmingly bad case of anxiety and it had continued to get worse.
My son and I came up with a plan to come home, crawl in my bed and play computer games.  Continued to be overwhelmed.  It took every ounce of my energy to stay present for my son.
He went off playing and I fell asleep.  Waking up every 15-20 minutes with the thought I couldn't breathe and sweating.
I got out of bed bc my dh and son continued to argue over ds homework.  Stop f@cking fighting with him and being mean verbally....put the shit away and make it be HIS problem.   And give him a break...he is sick!!!!!! 
We argued and I retreated back to my room. Light out.
I'm alone and the one person I wish would here me and care isn't able to.  Because hes stuck in his own place.  Whatever that may be.
J* asked me during my therapy appt this week if I thought he was struggling with having me be so down and out?  And how hard it must be for him to deal with 'me'.
I get that.  And I hear her.
What I think about that today is...fuck that!! 
I'm smothering, drowning AGAIN, and this time the pressure is even bigger.  There is much more to loose! 
  Somehow, it is my problem.
  Somehow, working was supposed to help me.
Somehow, my pdoc thinks therapy should help and working it out w/J* is the answer.
Somehow, J* thinks shes not helping bc wtf...here we go again
and since I have more charts than Obama has assistants things must not be working.
Somehow, this shit has gotta end.  I CANT TAKE MUCH MORE!
And to J*...i say yes..today I'm broken! I'm defeated! I'm sick and tired of trying.  I feel like I'm smothering.

Thankfulness Project Monday

I started following Musings of a Counselor several months ago.  I love the fact that each Monday she posts her Thankfulness Project Monday posts.  I often do not post them on Monday's.   However, I do think about it each week.  This post is being wrote on Sunday night and will be scheduled to post on Monday because I've got a very long day tmw and wanted to try and get this posted.

So here goes my "Thankfulness Project Monday" Post

I have a wonderful husband.  He endures so much from me. I know I do from him also.  However, he is my rock.  I very well may be griping about him next week.  I was reminded this morning during our Sacrament Meeting at church that our Temple Sealing-Marriage Anniversary is this week.  We were married by our Bishop in January 1994.  Just under 2 years later on a cold day in November, the day before Thanksgiving my Grandparents, In-laws and a few other local member friends joined us in the LDS Chicago Temple.  Where my husband and I were sealed for Eternity.  I'm thankful for my husband and the example he continues to lead to myself and children.

Two beautiful children.  Often, it is easy to loose sight at how well behaved, polite, and all around good young beings they are.  I'm blessed to be their mom.  I often do not feel worthy to be their mother.  They give me strength when I don't believe I have any left.  They lead by example in so many areas of our lives.  The last 3 weeks that I have been off work due to significant dip in my depression and will to keep fighting...these 2 children are what helped every single day to bring me one step closer to "normalcy...whatever that might be".  

So many other things I am thankful for in my life.  These are the 2 areas that I often take for granted.  I love them so deeply and can not imagine my life with out them.