Last minute chiropractor appt. When I was adjusted yesterday my neck wasn't quite right afterwards. And my sciatic is screaming.
Next stop : hospital for surgery.
|Sometimes we are like a flower unwilling to bloom. We hang on tightly to things that no longer serve us, and our hearts and hands aren’t able to fully open to receive the gifts the Universe has planned for us. But when we allow ourselves to bloom, we not only receive those gifts--we become them! Courtesy of: Begin with Yes|
The week has went from bad to worse. From the very beginning it has been a whirlwind of chaos.
My heart hurts right now more than I could ever begin to admit.
My expectations are to high. And my daughter thinks that she means shit to me. Her words not mine.
It has taken every ounce of my energy to pull myself together and out of the black hole of depression I've been in. It has been at every turn and curve. Yet, I have muddled threw it.
I can say it is a good thing I am not driving home. We wouldn't arrive in one piece.
It is 10:30am on the 2nd day of my 'funeral leave'. Unable to get up and move my body forward. Sure my shoulder hurts. It isn't that I can't move because I hurt. I don't want to.
Grief is one of those things that hits you when you least expect it.
And today...I just wanna go back home.
And today...I just wanna not have this pressing ache in my gut. The one that mourns for what should/could have been. The one that mourns the loss of a child whom sits in a small town jail...awaiting his court date on Monday.
And for today ...I don't want to he reminded why/how I got an extra 3 days off work.
Trying to get a little R & R.
Trying to stay cool.
Trying to keep my shoulder mobilized...in hopes to reduce pain.
Trying to not think about my upcoming surgery.
Trying to not loose my patience with my almost teenage child...
Trying to keep my head above water...
Going through the motions. Hoping and praying each day the light will emerge. Sometimes, it shines. Ever so lightly. Letting me know that it is there. Somewhere. And if I continue to move through the motions..the tough stuff..it will shine brighter than I've ever scene .
I'm concerned about having surgery and being dependent on pain medication.
I know they increase depression and agitation. And yet, there will be no choice.
I have had very little success processing and understanding the stuff that came up this week in my appt with H*. As long as I stuff that crap right back where it came from...I'm okay...for today.
I have a surgery date.
We had plans of using my 3 days of paid time off for funeral leave and 2 vacation days ...and...were going to escape. Our plans to drive the NY...possible changed. It is ALL up in the air.
I think we just need to do it. Leave earlier than planned. Cancel therapy appts, reschedule dermatology evaluation, and worry about every single ounce of everything...later.
It would mean we cut it short a day in order for me to see my therapist before leaving. I'm thinking the ability to see 2 of my sweet Soul Sisters is worth leaving a day early. I understand my dh's thoughts and concerns. Hello ...I'm living it. I get it.
We need to sit down and evaluate our budget. Can we for sure justify going? Did we ggo somewhere closer.
In 2 weeks I'm hopung to be in my way to recovery!
It has been 4 months since I re-injured my shoulder and injured my other shoulders in an accident that was 110% preventable. It upsets me when I think of how easy this could've been prevented. Yet, I feel strongly it was an accident waiting to happen...as far as the reinjury is considered.
When I returned to driving 2 hours a day 3 weeks ago, I was optimistic that things wouldn't work out and be okay. I knew it was not going to be easy. I also knew that having not drove the 43,000 lb vehicle in 3 months would pose some physical issues. Again, I was optimistic that with time I would begin to feel better.
That hasn't happened. Not at all.
Each week by Thursday, I find myself having more and more pain. Come Friday, I'm searching for pain medication. Maxing out the amount of tylonal I can take in 24 hour period.
By Saturday afternoons, I'm feeling significantly better. With little to no issues. Last weekend I attributed the increased pain and mobility issues to RBS dying and the stress that came with that.
As the week progressed, I have experienced more and more pain.
It is Sunday evening. I'm in just amount of pain as I was on Friday.
I've done nothing to make the pain be increased. I've iced it. I have been mindful of trying to take extra care. And I'm still struggling with the pain.
I'm afraid of calling the surgeon for fear of what happened with previous surgeon. I know they are separate surgeons, with separate views, and that still is keeping me from feeling like it is acceptable to call them.
I want this to be done. I'm so afraid that as soon as this surgeon decides to schedule surgery that the work Comp company will drop my case. Because, that is what they do. Financially, we can't have that happen and even moreso I don't believe I have the energy to fight them.
My prayer is that when he decides to do surgery he can get me in very quickly. Making it work that WC won't have time to deny me. Once I have surgery if I'm denied I can/will go back to my primary clinic. But if it is denier before surgery is performed I have to start this process all over. AGAIN.
I miss driving in some ways. I miss the passengers that I had on regular basis.
Ultimately, I want to feel better.
I fixed the tub drain. Waiting for my dh to do it would been useless. It is fixed. The evidence is clear. Rugs now need washed. The floor is now dry AND clean. And the tender burnt skin is a fresh reminder that falling asleep in a scalding hot tub is not the best idea.
I don't need co-workers and others around me to confirm what I already know. Walking up to someone you are not really close to and telling them "hey...--, add you ok? You look like crap. What is going on? What can I do?" Yeah...saying things like that really isn't helpful. I am not going to in turn tell you why I look so shitty.
My OT is certain surgery is a must. Tonight, even though I knew it is inevitable ....it just adds to the sinking hole I'm in.
I need my hair cut. My beautician and I have become friends. She sent me a private FB message checking in. It is just one more person I can't bring myself to talk to. And so I have not went to get my hair cut.
I mentioned to my husband what J* said/suggested on the phone today...he shook his head and laughed. I can't even remember what his snarky comment was. Basically, he knows me and he knows the chance if anything of me reaching out for help next week in J*'s absence is not likely. When asked what he thinks would be best he shrugged and said something on the lines of 'you need to figure that out for yourself'.
So here I sit. Again. In a hot bath. I have managed to keep myself from retreating to them. It is what numbs out the noise and pain around me.
It is what it is...till it isn't.
I requested my name and children not be listed in RBS's obit. It was. My children were not listed by name. Atleast they respected my wishes some. I don't care regardless. He was nothing to me other than a sperm donor. My last name was spelled wrong. I got a good chuckle when I read it.
Even bigger chuckle when the last sentence read "will be missed by family and friends alike." That is the farthest thing from the truth. His family did not ever associate with him. Ever.
I received a phone call from someone on Tuesday asking me if I would be attending the memorial and such when his remains are entered into the veterans memorial. In order to be given the flag that would be presented. I won't go. And I don't want the flag. I don't want anything. Just left alone.
Like a horror movie being rewound over and over....that is what the reel is playing in my head. At every corner I see his fucking face. At every commercial on the radio I hear his fucking voice. Every person who smokes that comes near me reminds me of his fucking breathe. I would have never imagined a week ago when I got the call he died....this would he happening. NEVER IMAGINED!! Rinse, rewind, repeat....over and over.
I can't pull myself together today. I started off raring and ready to go. And then got hit by an overwhelming amount of grief.
My sons FM confirmed to me last night something I knew. And it would have knocked me down to begin with.
These two events have taken its toll today. And I can't seem to get up. I hurt everywhere. My entire body hurts.
I hate this.
Today has been tough. Every ounce of my body hurts. My chest and ribs are incredibly tender.
Surprisingly not because out our son we adopted /disrupted and the conversation I had with his Foster Mom.
Therapy took every ounce of the very little energy I have. I came home and crashed. And getting back up is gonna be tough.
My tub drain stop is broke. I broke it in the middle of the night when I took a bath to find some sort of relief. I'm feeling trapped in not being able to retreat to that.
When I got home last night I ended up retreating to the tub. The water wasn't hot enough. My dh telling me it is still 104 degrees and 7pm and WTH was I in a hot bath for. He was right.
I called my grandparents. My grandpa remarried before I was born. And my grandma is sooo incredible awesome. At 70 she water skis, hikes, horse back rides, and you would never know she is 70. I miss her so much. I am especially glad I got her. We talked for a long time. She listened mostly. Shared her experience that was similiar to mine with her birth mother.
She reminded me over and over that my Father in Heaven is all knowing and his love will not waiver even when I do.
She showed compassion for my birth father. Telling me she has never truly hated anyone. He was one she did. For what he did to my mother and I. She shared what she knew. I let her in a little bit about what happened when he.moved back to the Midwest and what his intentions were.
I laid in bed and chatted on my computer most of the night. This morning I can't get up. My body is not moving. At all. I want to do things and had intentions of spending time with my family. I have a Dr appt in an hour. I have no choice...I have to.get up.!
This pic of my pug and his monkey...remind me of how I feel today!
This morning I woke in the same space as I went to bed. Actually, I never really slept. The moment I would fall asleep soundly ...was the same moment I would wake. Sweating profusely. Seeing flashing lights outside my house. There were no lights. It was all just a dream/flashback.
You see...the last "memory" I have of this person whom the State he resides in says is my dad/father.....involved flashing lights from a police car. And so much more.
And so as I laid in bed...I replayed over and over what I could control.
The call to the SS Office...Done.
The call to my therapist office...Done.
(Thank you H* for your offer to contact her. We have a good relationship. And once I was able to get past the hysterics initially I made the call to J*.)
The call to the Medical Examiner ...Done.
The email to the Medical Examiner...Done.
And as I sat in the parking lot of my therapist office...I called his mother. And I let her know how angry I was. At him. At her. At this entirely fucked up situation.
And I don't regret an ounce of what I said. I know she is grieving. I know he hurt her and she is doing the best she can. She called me several hours later. Apologetic and wanting me to forgive her. To tell me she knows why I am bitter. I informed her there were things he took to his death bed that she would never know. And I was not bitter. I am angry. Angry he hurt my mother. Angry he hurt me.
The call to my Aunt...Done.
And I pray...I'm DONE with this for now.
My employer has encouraged me to take 3 days off. To plan it around a weekend off. To add in a few extra days of vacation. Today, I called the gal at our bank we work with. Without asking my husband, I got an approval for a small signature loan.
Sometime in the next month my children, husband and I will be leaving the state. Where or how long we will be gone I don't know. But I will use those 3 days and an additional 3-4 days to reconnect with my husband and children.
I have an idea of where I want to go...I just need to see if it fits within our little budget.
This morning on my way to a potluck my husband called. He had called several times over a short period and I didn't answer the phone.
He called again.
He wanted to know if I had spoke to my Grandpa. I hadn't.
My Grandma (my grandpas ex-wife) called my daughters cell phone. She spoke to my husband.
My birth father died in his sleep this morning.
The sense of loss took me by surprise. The tears that formed as my husband told me over the phone...they, too, took my by surprise.
I arrived at the potluck a few minutes later. Everyone there knew. Each of them, including my daughter, were surprised that I did not seem upset.
I'm angry. That anger is portraying itself within myself physically. My ribs...they are screaming at me today. Screaming they have been kicked in the gut.
I chatted with my mom on Facebook for a few momemts and let her know.
I'm angry at her response. It was what I expected. I did not expect it to very hurtful. And it was.
Silently grieving...in ways I don't understand.
**It is hot. I know it is hot in most places around the US right now. I don't like working outdoors. I am grateful for the chance I get to work at my regular job 2 hours a day. I am trying to find gratitude in the fact I am able to have light duty work and the paycheck that accompanies it. It does not change the fact it has been in the high 90's for several days on end. Reaching 100 degrees on more than one occasion. And today being one of those days.
I'm fortunate that I have a husband who is supportive and understanding (usually) that I get frequent massages. He sees and knows the benefit it provides. The last few times I've seen H* ..have been solely energy work. Focussed on breathing and not 'checking out/holding my breathe'. I went in to my appt today wanting to change our focus. Physical and emotionally I've been all over the place. The focus was good. I am glad I was able to speak up and tell H* what I wanted the focus to be. I have struggled a bit with this aspect and am grateful I was able to not get lost in the world of depression. Speaking to my husband about how it went was good. He didn't fully understand. However, he tried and that is what I needed.
I have a therapy appt in the morning. And hopefully, I will be in a space where I am able to find the focus that *I* need...like I did today.
Last but not least...there are some significant dietary changes on the horizon. I had an allergic reaction on Friday night when my husband and I were out on our "date" night. And then again on Saturday. At one point I was a tad concerned an EMS call was in store. I recovered quickly but it took a huge physical toll on my body for the remainder of the day.
Day 1 was not really a struggle. My fear is it is easy for me not to eat...at all. Because of my WLS ...I rarely am hungry. Hoping I can not become the raving lunatic and mean person...that I was the last time I did this elimination diet.
And the Sunrises.
Every day I think, hope, and pray that with each new sunrise there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
This low has been tough. Much different than other times I have been here and at times a bit scarier. I have never lacked trust in myself when it comes to BELIEVING I would not harm myself. That belief is/was gone. I say WAS not because this spurt is over. Because, it has lifted enough for me to see, accept, and take responsibility to do no harm.
I pushed like hell to BE present at all times yesterday with my family. It was tough. And I ended the day emotionally drained.
Tonight the sun will set just like it did in this picture taken with my phone last night. And tmw..it will rise again.