Last night was rough. One of the worst this week. All things considered the week has gone fairly well. Sure, I was more than pissed at my psychiatrist yesterday for several different reasons. Sure, the day was a tad stressful. However, by evening fall that had all subsided and I had a pleasant evening with my family.
The night looked something like this....Sleep was no where around. After waking several times, as in every 30-45 minutes...it involved me attempting to wake my husband sometime around 2-2:30 am. He made it clear to me last week he wanted me to wake him on nights that I wake and am struggling. Specifically with "one way out, there is no fix, things would be much better for my family if I was no longer around...." thinking. He would not wake up. I went from my bed to a hot shower. The hot shower didnt' snap me out of this spin. I sat at the kitchen table in the dark for around 30 minutes drinking a Dt Pepsi and overdosing on chocolate.
I woke in a definate mood. One that said THANK GOD I am not working today. Thank God....I have today for me! I couldn't bring myself to snap out of it. While showering, my face stung from falling tears. And the gament of thoughts..... Why? WHY? I'm supposed to be better? I'm supposed to be able to work? I'm supposed to be functional? Is being off work really decreasing my ability to function? I dont' agree. I've done fairly well this week all things considered. Struggling with suicidal thoughts has really been at bad since the end of last week. Few fleeting moments here and there. Nothing more than a few thoughts here and there of hopelessness.
Struggling with all og the above, I got out of the shower. Determined to get things done today. I needed to shampoo my carpets, pick up a few groceries and make a cake today. All things that I could have done last night (except the cake) but I was tired and b*tchy so I waited till today.
My psychiatrist agreed to give w.elbutrin another try. I opened the cupboard and a RX bottle fell out.
The light bulb CLICKED on really BRIGHT!!
My conversation with my husband was one that was rather tough. He was mad. Very mad. At me. He didn't have to say much to make me know that he was upset with me. I know why.
Shortly after having a lil' discussion with my husband and the light bulb clicking; my husband gave me a shot of Vitamin B12. It has been a really long time since I've had one. As in really long time. We filled the this afternoon after he gave me the injection. I will have him give me another injection in a week to give me a boost.
And....here is a lil diddy from depression.com about B12. Because of my gastric bypass this is just another thing that due to malapsorption is an issue.
Vitamin B12: Because vitamin B12 is important to red blood cell formation, deficiency leads to an oxygen-transport problem known as pernicious anemia. This disorder can cause mood swings, paranoia, irritability, confusion, dementia, hallucinations, or mania, eventually followed by appetite loss, dizziness, weakness, shortage of breath, heart palpitations, diarrhea, and tingling sensations in the extremities. When shortages do occur, they are often due to a lack of intrinsic factor, an enzyme that allows vitamin B12 to be absorbed in the intestinal tract. Since intrinsic factor diminishes with age, older people are more prone to B12 deficiencies.