Dear Suicidal Thoughts...

Trigger Warning.
Talk of suicide and swearing.

~~~~

Dear Suicidal Thoughts...

I hate you. I hate everything you have taken from me. I really fucking hate you.

I hate how I have to spend so much time and energy keeping my guard up and making sure that I don't fall to your fucking grips again and again.

I hate how draining that it is.

I hate what you've taken from my family.

I hate that you make me believe these bad things will be better for my family in the end.

I fucking hate you.

I hate how evil you are.  You are an evil fucking bitch.

I hate how you scare me.

I hate that I'm always waiting for the next shoe to drop and you will creep back into my life.

I hate how you are always lingering around teasing me.

I hate how, even when I know I'm not OK, I feel guilty because I feel like I should be just fine. 

Dear Suicidal Thoughts...


I will continue to keep trying.... not to let you back into my life the way you have been in the past.

I may not be successful today, or last week, or last month.  But one day I will.

If, despite all that I am doing, you manage to come back, I will not let you take over my life as you have in the past.  I will kick you in the fucking balls as I am trying to today.  You might be winning today. But be reminded, you will not fucking win. You will not!

I will continue to try and keep myself safe and protect my body, mind and spirit from you.
You will never beat me.  Never.  I promise you one thing.  You will NEVER fucking win.


Dear Suicidal Thoughts...

You will NEVER kill me.  No matter how hard you try.  I still wish you would go to hell and leave me the hell alone.  

Random Ramblings

~We write so we don't feel so alone.~

It sums up in a few words why I blog.  Why I write some of the nonsense jibber-jabber that I do.  Ultimately it is because I feel so d*amn alone so much of the time.

Tonights post is jumbled up mess.  As I am at the present moment.  The day was filled with tons of ups and downs.  When I left work I felt the world come crushing down on me.  In a rather crushing way!!

I can't even write about it in depth.  Physical therapy was tough...really tough.  Two words you don't want to hear ever...specially AFTER you have shoulder surgery is adhesive capulitis aka: frozen shoulder.  And given the degree of severity....don't wanna hear that either.  And more daggers in the heart (OR head) when it comes to our older son.

I've had to remind myself this evening several times WHY it is that I don't drink.  I'm certain if I did.....I would never get back up. Ever.  And right about now.....that sounds pretty damn good.

Sleeping in my Bed

Not being able to lay in bed has been harder than I would have imagined.  Not being able to retreat to a hot bath is just as hard.  I've not been able to shower in a week because of my incisions.  I could cover them and shower.  However, it would require I use adhesive to 'tape' my arm.  The skin breakdown is already an issue and so I've chosen to protect my skin as much as possible.  My normal coping techniques have been shot out of the park.  This morning, as I sit in my recliner, I'm struggling compose myself.

Sleeping, or trying to sleep, in my recliner isn't going well.  Laying in bed is even worse.  I've had no privacy what-so-ever.  And that part of this recovery process is not one that I was prepared for.  I knew sleeping in my bed was going to be an issue.  I wasn't prepared for the emotional effects this would all have on me.

This morning, the tears are plenty. I slept very little again last night.  Finding myself more and more sleep deprived.  And with that the tears are more.  I'm not coping well this morning.  Unable to stop the tears. Unable to think clearly.  

On a good day with no other factors playing into the mix, I struggle with depression and staying above water. On a good day it takes non stop effort to keep myself going.  I knew this would be tough. I knew it would be work. I knew I would need to be mindful and proactive in order to get past the first few weeks w/o sinking into a deep hole.

I guess my expectations for myself were a bit higher than they should have been.

Adding in the frustration and anger that has taken up residence towards the first surgeon who arrogantly blew me off...and...I'm a mess.

I left my massage and therapy appointments late yesterday afternoon/evening feeling pretty good.  Somewhat empowered and able to fight this battle with my head up high.

Somewhere between my therapy appointment and early this morning I lost it all.  

Rash - Huband - Ugly - Trigger

RASH
My son has had a significant rash/eczema/infection stuff going on since July.  It is ont he back of his leg just under his butt.

The current antibiotic is to be a maintence medication for 2 months.

He's been on it 2 weeks.  Just like the last 3 rounds of medication after he ends them (or in this case after day 10) which is the same in both cases.  The rash gets better, goes away...and then comes back w/a vengence.  And I mean...VENGENCE!!

When I took him to the dermatologist 2 weeks ago she suggested the maintance medication OR a biopsy. I opted to do the 'least invasive' and try medication first.

It's not working.

HUSBAND
My husband does not work.  Not by choice. I'm sure he would love to work. However, because of an injury and medical issues he is a stay at home dad.  His job is to tend to our children and their needs.  I know it is hard work.  My children are healthy for the most part.  They don't require many dr. appts.  When my husband needs to be seen he makes an appt. He doesn't wait till its horrible or bad. This rash issue....he's been very lax about making and taking the boy to the dr.  I've done most of it.

UGLY
It is about to get ugly.
The rash is already ugly.  I'm talking 'marriage' ugly.  As in this momma is gonna come unglued in a rather unhealthy  manner.  I made it very clear last night to my dh that HE WILL get this boy an appt and I don't give a rats ass when it is.  He said "Well I have a therapy appt tmw and I will just cancel that if I have to".  That didn't go over so well.  I got ugly....I made it very clear that I am PISSED that I have to take off work to take this kid to the dr. when he coudl CLEARLY have called on MONDAY and made him an appt.  He has SEVERAL days a week where he could DO IT and he has choosen not to.  I then googled "Auto Immune Disorders" and pictures which look just like what our son has.  I let him know that "this is" what Dr. E said we could be dealing with if this round of antibiotics didn't work.  I made it very clear that HE makes appts for himself.  And that I would be taking him to the dr. tmw. I"m tired of this kid suffering.  He is in pain and damn it.

It was ugly.  I'm already depressed. I'm already tired.  I am an ugly person to deal with right now.

So help me God if he does not call the clinic first thing in the morning and make that kid an appt I'm gonna take that baseball that is hanging in my garage that I threatened him (dh) with last week and shove it down his throat. 

I said it was gonna get ugly.  Momma is pissed.

TRIGGERED
Momma is set off...triggered...whatever the heck u wanna call it.
I had a parent who often 'poo-poo'd my health issues.  Who would put things off till I was extremely ill and ended up being hospitalized.  This happened not once, not twice...but three times between the ages of 12-16.  I also had a parent who told me that I was over reacting most every single time.  I know that my dh hasn't said that to my son.  But I see that my dh ignoring this issue as a way of dismissing it and basically saying it isn't a big deal.  DH often (as in currently) does the same thing to me.  He recently told me when HE asked me questions about the suicidal thoughts/ideation that I was struggling with that "well that is just plain retarded".  And this my friends is why I rarely ever mention to him that I'm struggling.  I don't believe in the it's a man thing bc it is plain, cut, simple and dry...uncalled for.

Pray for my son...that my husband makes the call first thing in the morning to get him in to be seen.  I will be working split shift and can't call until 8:30-9 and then not again until 11am.

Thursday Evening Musings

I had 3 doctor appts today.  My plate was full.  I didn't make it to all 3 appts.  I ended up having a 4rth appt added to the mix (for my son). I woke up refreshed, renewed, and ready to take on the world...or for a few moments anyway.

My pelvis was in bad shape.  Last night I started having problems walking after using my eliptical. I've had this problem before after I was rear-ended several years ago. So it worked out good I had a chiropractor appt this morning.  He believes it was the answer to some of the hip and low back pain I've experienced over the last few weeks.  Specially during and after my massage last Friday.  World of difference after being adjusted - after a few tears - I'm feeling much better. 

After I left there I went and seen my psychiatrist.  The appt went okay. I can't say I was happy. I can't say I am unhappy.  We have a 10-11 year history together.  I often find myself in a love/hate relationship with her.  And today wasn't so much about love.  I respect her and love her dearly.  However, I don't have to like what she has/had to say. I don't have to like the attitude that transpired.  I left her office fighting back tears.  Tears of frustration and anger.

I spoke to my husband on my way to my employer.  One of the issues I had w/my pdoc appt was I have to have paperwork turned into to my employer in order to work the following day.  The timeline was already met.  I also needed to get paperwork turned in by another time deadline in order to get a "weekly pick" for next week and not be forced to be oncall every single day.  I can't rotate/be oncall everyday at this point.  I met the deadline by less than 10 minutes.  I did end up getting a weekly pick, barely. 

Because, I had gotten so upset at the end of my appt and worked myself into a tizzy I called my PCP's office and cancelled my appt.  The last thing I needed was to go to that appt and have her make some stupid comment or suggestion that the malabsorption issues are in my head, depression related, and I'm just plain making shit up.  Because at that point, I could have very well ended up in the hospital or jail....so I decided come home and just be! I spoke to my dear friend S* and laid down and rested for a lil bit before picking my son up from school.

My son and I went to an impromptu derm appt.  I am hopeful that the course of treatment will be effective and we will not be faced at doing a biopsy and labwork.  She mentioned several times during the appt if the 8 week course of antibiotics doesn't clear this up OR it comes back after going away while on the antibiotics he will be facing testing for an auto immune disorder.  We are praying for an easy fix at this point with antibiotics.

In 2 weeks I will begin a 3 month set schedule for my work hours.  I'm very optimistic and hopeful I will be able to find some relief and stabalization.  Contrary to the vibe I got from my psychiatrist this morning....I am taking care of myself. I am doing what I need to do...as much as I can....and taking care of myself.  I know that my therapist doesn't feel that me not working has been helpful.  I love her dearly.  And today I can honestly say....we can agree to disagree.  I know I am doing better.  I know it isn't even just a little bit better.  I also know that being home hasn't made things worse nor will they make it worse with me being home.  The only manner that it makes things worse with me staying home is the financial aspect.  Even though I have disability insurance it isn't 100%.  Regardless, my work week starts on Sunday.  Next week is a short week. I can hope and pray the following week I can get a weekly pick (set schedule).

In the meantime I have full plans on....taking care of ME the next 3 days.  I need to do some deep cleaning to do in the morning.  Things that should have been done the last 2-3 weeks while I've been home.  However, they didn't get done.  Saturday we are having a farewell party for one of the Elders (missionaries) who will be going home from his mission next week.  *insert...my anxiety is rather high at the thought of having a a large amount of church members in my home since my huband and children are the only  members who attend church on a regular basis.*