Sunday, December 11, 2011

Just Thinkin'....

...... about my Grandmother today!!!

My grandma suffered with severe depression.  As a little girl I didn't know what it was.  I didn't know why she would go on violent rages.  I don't remember much past one of her really bad break downs where she broke every dish in the house.   We lived on the farm next to my grandparents until I was 12 yrs old.

She was hospitalized in psych unit shortly after her youngest was born. 

Often when she was having a really bad day she would walk around singing this song and another one of my favorites. 

As I mentioned in an earlier post this morning, I woke up panicked and having had nightmares, again.  This has been a very common theme for several months.

I've struggled today with not wanting to freek out and throw sh*t.  I guess, that would be one of the reasons I remember my grandma on days like today.  Thinking hard and fast that "I am not her.  I don't want to be her.  I don't want to leave that legacy for my children".  And so, I remember things like this song.  One that I can't listen to w/o sobbing.

If we ever had another baby girl or would have been able to adopt a little girl.....We would have had a Lil' Rosie.  I'm sooooooo very thankful my daughter only knows the Wondeful Grandma Rose!  And I'm able to have the memories of my sweet baby girl helping feed and take care of her Great Grandma in her last days.  Those are the precious memories that I pray to keep w/me on hard days like today. 

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