Saturday, October 26, 2013


Every day this is the routine. 

Get up. Pretend. Attempt to go back to sleep. 

Over. And. Over. Again. 

I'm fairly dang good at the 'pretend to be ok' part. Even though it takes a huge toll. 

Today would be one of those day where it proved to be to much. Majority of my morning was spent in tears. Silent, wipe away from your cheeks and keep on working tears

Today would be yet another reminder that this has plagued so many aspects of my life. It has robbed me so incredible much. 

And it hurts. 

It hurts to breathe. It hurts to care. It hurts not to care. Every aspects physical and emotionally. 

Today the reminder has come in the form of my shoulders hurting. Not a little. But a lot. Today for the first time in several months I took pain meds during the day. More than tylonel and ibuprofen. I can't take ibuprofen for the next 10 days bc I'm having surgery. I took them when I was working. Which I've not done in several months.   That reminder has stung as I think abt the first surgeon and his words to me. 

If I had cancer or diabetes...he wouldn't have dismissed me. Instead, because of the stigma associated mental illness he did dismiss me. The lasting effects 18 months later still replay themselves over and over. And I wonder if he would have taken me seriously...would I still be having the issues I  today. 

There isn't much compassion when it comes to mental illness. 

Those who judge....can kiss my a$$.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

30 Days...

....came and went. 

Seemingly to the rest of the world it was just like no other day. The end of another 30 days. As is every single day of our lives. to day....calendar...month to month. 

It was an ordinary day for me. It started off hell and is ending in similar manner. 
It is the new normal one might say. is far from normal. There is nothing normal abt living with suicidal ideation every single day of your life. There is nothing normal about being woke up from nightmares more nights per week than not. There is nothing normal abt constant internal battle between right/wrong, fear of loosing your family and the one thing that keeps you getting up every day. There is nothing normal about the constant internal battle and fight to figure what is YOUR own voice and which is the voice of trauma and mental illness. 

Today could and SHOULD have been the start of a new beginning. Not a beginning that would be filled with unicorns and rainbows. Not a beginning that wouldn't come without tears and frustrations. 

It very well should have been the beginning of renewed hope and HEALING...of myself, my marriage, and my family!

Instead, I cancelled my psychiatrist appt that was scheduled for tmw. There isn't much hope when it comes to keeping my appts with her. It is the first appt in many years I've cancelled and not rescheduled.

One month ago was hoped and prayed for that the pathway would open up for myself to check into a 30 day treatment facility in Utah. After leaving the retreat I had spent the previous week at.  One of my very favorite people in the world was willing and ready to walk alongside and make that journey with me.  It didn't happen. 

 Instead, a very broken and defeated me boarded a plane in SLC and flew back home. Where My husband and I would be told over and over that 'without intensive treatment I can't accept your wide into my practice, where my therapist of 5 yrs admits she isn't so sure she has what I need, and ultimately any hope there once was...went to hell right along with the bastard who began it all!'  

I came back having lost nearly every ounce of my faith and testimony I've rebuilt in the last 6-7 months. Never feeling as if my Father in heaven hadn't abandoned me more than I did that morning of Sept 22. 

The 5 day retreat with 25 other moms had a very dark cloud over myself and another mom who has stood by my side come hell and very high water. Heaven only knows I've tried to push her away. She has planted herself by me (albeit 5 states away) and continued to be my biggest support. Her vacation away from her family wasn't what it should have been. Not a day goes by that I've not thought abt all she did and wished I could give those 5 days back to her!

And today...another 30 days have passed. With seemingly no end in sight. 

Mental illness sucks shit!