Monday, August 29, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
It is late on Sunday evening.
I don't feel like bothering anyone, my therapist office is closed (and quite honestly she/they are the very last people I want to speak to anyway), and so as one child is off in the family room watching heaven only knows what, my dh is reading 'back to school information for the new school our children will be attending' and another child sits next to me playing a hunting game on his hand held game....along with tv blaring some idiotic show.
I'm depressed. If you hadn't figured that out already by a few of the previous posts.
Sleep deprivation often leads anxiety and then leads to depression for me. This week sleep and I have not been very good friends. I've cursed more in the wee hours of the am than I have in a long time. I've shed more tears in the early morning hours than I have in a long time.
I'm tired. I want to take a week off work. I want to stay in bed the entire time. I want to take a very hot bubble bath and cry the entire time. I sit on my computer and do nothing productive as a way to zone out.
I need to eat healthier. I need to eat more fruits and veggies. I need to cut out sugars completely out of my life. I need to drink less diet soda. I need to drink more water. I need to take my vitamins. I need to give myself a B12 shot. I need to do so much more on the self care spectrum. I don't want to. I dont' want to do one damn thing of anything. Just a few of the things I know I NEED to be doing....but don't WANT to.
I had hoped that the treatments I received earlier in the summer would be more helpful in this department. Reality is I know it doesn't fix or even help the root of what is going on.
I really needed to nip this in the bud earlier in the week before it got out of control. I'm beyond knowing what I should do.
I may just have to give out an award to anyone who gets to the end of this choppy and rambling post.
I'm burned out. I'm tired. I'm sick of my job. I hate my job. I'm sure those reading this will say I should be thankful I have a job. I am thankful I have a job. That doesn't mean I can't hate my job. I love what I do for a living. I really do. I've actually been doing this type of work on various levels for 11 years. However, the intensity in this particular job can be overwhelming. The people suck. They are idiotic. They are un-greatful. They are full of entitlement. They drive me to want to drink myself to sleep. Only I've never had a drink in my life. I need a vacation. I only had a 'lil' vacation this year in March. For 4 days. It was wonderful. But it wasn't a true blue vacation. I've not been able to go on a vacation or take an extended amount of time off work because I've been sick. I've used nearly 3 weeks of vacation and more unpaid time off since March...and most all was because I have been sick. It is no wonder I'm burned out.
It is hard to put on a happy face and continue on working. Reality is all I want to do is cry. The really sad part is I have no real reason to cry. I think I am putting on a happy face. Specially when I am working. When I was working on Friday afternoon something happened and I had to have a face-to-face with one of my supervisors. I thought I was appearing to be happy and in an okay mood... Yesterday after I got off work and was reporting in before I left for the day he mentioned that I looked like I was having a bad day on Friday. Really? Are you serious? Because...I REALLY thought I had put on that poker face. Screw it. Why try when I'm obviously not doing a very good job.
The positive part of my day yesterday was hearing the sweet and tender voice of one of my soul sisters. What a blessing it was. Little 20-30 min. conversation about this/that but enough to know that I'm not alone.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
And i can only hope and pray it goes by quickly. Working till mid afternoon.
Received a few comments with personal info attached re last post. I will not approve comments that a: name me by name or have your personal email unless u approve beforehand.
Thank you fof your concern. I am ok. Some days are a tad overwhelming and yesterday just happened to be the grunt of all evil.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Why do they need to take over everything. They are disgusting. They are overwhelming. They are distressing.
Another co-worker does something really stupid. I snap. Calling him a fucking idiot. Outloud. For others to hear in plain ear shot.
I walk in the house. My dinner is not done. I'm pissed. Say fuck it I won't eat anything bc reality is I'm in to pissy of a mood.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
To the general reader....
it is just another picture.
Edited in a Yesteryear. Sun shinning brightly and reflecting off the metal structure that it is.
...it is something far greater.
...it is something that reminds me that regardless of how I might think or feel TODAY....
I am NOT Alone.
You are NOT Alone.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
It is no secret I struggle on a daily basis with being enough on many different levels of life.
Today happens to be one of those days. Probably, one of the worst I've had in a very long time.
I've been blog surfing for several hours. Laying in bed trying to find something that would speak volumes to the anxiety, tears, thoughts and feelings of failure that have taken me to my knees today.
The last few weeks I've been able shut out the spinning thoughts and craziness making that comes with being at this point by having a massage. Not that the massage itself fixes or takes it all away. Instead, gives me 90 minutes to take away everything else, shut the you are not enough and so much more off. Completely off. It has taken me finding a new massage therapist, who is intimately intune with my anxiety and fears and who follow my bodies and the energy it gives to her.
I have a few different Positive and Uplifting blogs I like to surf.
The above video was found on Owning Pink.
~You Are Enough~
Much easier said....than believing.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
...to accurately describe.
Soul Sisters far deeper than our connection via adoption.
Soul Sisters who truly share a kindred heart and soul.
Two families came together this weekend. Never having met each other before.
Orchestrated by luck, love, and fate.
There will be more trips to Chi-town in both of our futures I am certain of that.
*picture is a mobile pic from the bottom of the Navy Pier Ferris Wheel....Sun shinning brightly and keeping our hearts full!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Ive had SEVERAL visits from Romeoville or an ISP address that is from there in the last few days.
I don't care. Just curious.
Leave me a comment who you are...I approve all comments and will not approve if if you wish to very annon.
I also go to Romeoville a few times a year. Loved the area to be honest.
Curiosity is all...
Impromptu road trip to see one of your soul sisters!
Chicago may never be the same.
I went to bed and woke up rather stressed about getting hurt last night at work. Visit to tue Dr confirmed what I knew....I am going to hurt like a mother heffer. And no work for today and tmw. I have Monday and Tuesday off.
My husband joked to bad we didn't plan on going to see this lady and her family before....
We discussed Chicago for a road trip. We discussed going to her hometown. End result...we are headed to Chicago tonight and in 2 weeks we will PRAY i can get off work and head to see this family again!!
So excited.....and SORE!!
Friday, August 19, 2011
Anything after 7-8 pm this evening would be OT and then everything I would be offered tmw would be OT.
It is no secret in my place of employment that, I am not a big overtime person. I don't want to be forced to work over 40 hrs per week. It is pretty well known that I will turn down ALL work that is over my initial 13.5 spread bc reality is.....I value my sanity and working long hours isn't always the best for my mental health. Specially, if I am super tired. Lack of sleep = increase of anxiety/depression = not a good match.
I sat at work on-call for 6 hours today. About 30 minutes before I was going to be released to come home and piece of work came in that I could turn down. I did the math and figured out that I could easily make some easy money and work till 11pm tonight. So I accepted it...kind of.
Shortly after I accepted the piece of work, while on my way out of the building...down I went. A$$ over teacup!! Let's just say....I'm a tad bruised. And experience tells me that "tmw" always proves to be worse than the first day.
As I spoke w/my mother she reminded me "_ it wasn't meant to be for you to work that shift. SOMETHING could/would happen other than you falling....you were not supposed to work that shift".
Sure wish I didn't have to fall in order to learn that lesson!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
We can learn a valuable lesson from the pleasant little stream that wastes little time worrying about any obstacles placed in its path; it simply keeps flowing and soon a new course reveals itself and the stream splashes merrily on its way! Remember that resistance to what IS often tends to dam our progress .
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
My last post had a typo. Ive changed it to say....
THERAPY should NOT be comfortable.
I will add....
Often I find myself in a conferable spot. And I'm not trying to be flippant abt the situation I get and understand where J is coming from. I also know that in this particular situation....changing it wouldn't be good. And even though at times I wonder.
More on this subject another time.
Updated to say.... therapy should NOT....BE COMFORTABLE.
There have been many lil things turned large over the blogging world the last few months. It is going to happen. There are things that I say or do that you will cringe and think "wth is she thinking?" And the same thing back and forth.
This happens often in my daily life. With my husband...daily. My mother...hourly. This is the beauty of human nature. As adults..we can often agree....to...disagree.
Today, I found myself in a situation with my therapist (and I know she reads this blog from time to time) where I had to do this very thing.
I can and do respect J- and often when I see her I may not agree or LIKE what she has to say or suggests. That is okay. Therapy should be not comfortable.
I'm pretty certain J has a very valid point. And in most cases/friendships I would probably agree with her eventually. As I left her office today the ol' saying popped back into my head..."- u need to agree....to disagree."
So...that is my lesson for today.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Today....her topic is "Thankfulness Project Monday" Click on the link to check it out.
Here is my shot at the "Thankfulness Project Monday"
Things didn't go so smooth. I laid in bed, texted a friend my irratation w/dh and his bright ideas to get me out of bed EARLY and covered my head w/the comforter. And prayed he would get the h* out of the house....becuase I could feel an epic meltdown working its way to the surface.
I had no goals today.
In fact. I did have 2 goals. The first, I accomplished yesterday after I got off work. That was a promise that I would take my kids to Targ'et to spend the $100+ they received in BD gift cards to this lovely big box store. I initially had mentioned I would take them today, Monday. Then, last night I had a '2nd wind' after coming home from work and said "I don't care that it is Sunday....I am not doing sh*t tmw.... and I'm getting it done today".
I did not want to stay in bed because I was super depressed, anxious, suicidal, homicidal (ok...it came close to getting ugly when the man wouldn't leave me the freek alone....the comforter over my head was a sigh he better leave...I think)....I just didn't want.to.be.bothered!!
Nearly 'work day' I have to get up between 3:30-4:30am. I'm not a nice person that time in the morning. And often times I don't get off or home from work until 6:30-7:30pm. Every once in a while....as in TODAY.....I had plans of doing SH*T!!
I did get up....with in minutes of him leaving. I showered. I did not do my hair. I sat in a tank top and capris on my laptop. He comes home and starts riding me like flies on sh*t...to leave. WTH!!
My mini-melt-down wasn't so bad...I think.
I gave in and went shoe shopping.
This is the thing....self care is important. I knew that I needed to do sh*t today. And I tried to say it in a way that was 'nice'. I tried to use some of that therapy babble that J* discusses w/me all the time. She would be proud. Well, maybe not....but she would atleast know that I do *listen* once in a great moon. "I....I...I...you know those I......statements that are so crucial". And I even told him in a manner that didnt' involve me swearing or getting mad. Well, that is partially true. After HE didn't hear what I was trying to say...as in I AM DOING SH*T TODAY.....it got a tad more not very theraputic on my part...and I'm sure she will have something to say that will tell me I could have done it differently.
I will declare Tuesday a...
"I'm not doing sh*t day"....except I do have a therapy appt and a massage!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
But I do.
This afternoon while sitting at work I read a FB status from a dear friend of mine. I was brought to my knees and there were no words I could say to take away her pain.
Her status was simple. Yet said so much. "Grandma and grandpa will miss you, __. I knew then why she had tried to call me the last 2 days, several times. I have worked crazy hours and not had the best of few days myself. Even though, I had called one friend yesterday to check in on her and how she was feeling....I have not called or returned calls in days.
I knew when I called my friend back there would be no words that could take away the deep pain she was feeling.
As I listened to her sob and ask over and over...why....I wondered myself..
Why does suicide have to happen?
Why does mental health have to come with such horrible stigmas?
Why the hell did my friend have to loose her grandson?
She said to me, "-, I know you know what it is like to get to that dark place. I can't figure out.
I had not answers.
I had nothing to offer.
All I could say in response is....I understand. I WISH I DIDNT. It is so effed up. And it sucks. For you. For your husband. For your daughter. For your grandson. Sorry isn't good enough. Sorry doesn't take away or answer anything. And for that my friend....I AM SO IMCREDIBLE SORRY!
Tonight, I will hug my daughter a little tighter.
Tonight, I will hug my son a little tighter.
Tonight, I will try to remember to re-read this post and recall the pain and emotion I heard from my dear friend and pray in those moments of darkness, I can remember my dear friends pain.
I LOVE YOU DARLING!!!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
I would love to compose a post describing how there have been several days, in which I've felt fairly well. As in....sure...I am a great mother and wife and not taking up space on this earth.."
That is not happening today. Probably not tomorrow or the next day. I could be hopeful and say "sure, I will snap out of this funk and life will be great". Reality is...this is life and it is part of me.
Earlier in the week, I received test results back from my drs office. I was very optimistic prior to getting the lab tests back. One could probably say, this was the first shoe that dropped.
That morning I blogged, I might just stay in bed. I didn't. I got up. Despite the frustration. Despite the udder feeling of complete despair. I spent the day editing portraits that I had taken over the weekend. I made it to the d.bt class that I've been attending. Barely, but I got there.
Then the next day my work schedule was grueling. Very grueling. I made it to the end of the day, all almost 12 hours of it, with the thought that the following day I would have a much lighter day, because that is usually what happens in my work. One large day of 12 hrs and the following only a couple hours and in some cases NO work.
I came home Tuesday night, trying to keep my head high. Trying to say "it will be okay". In reality, the thoughts racing in my head were saying so much different. SO.VERY.MUCH.DIFFERENT. Knowing what my work day on Wednesday was going to entail, I was less than hopeful.
Wednesday....the other shoe dropped. A phone call that revealed some things that were extremely hard to digest. I am not going to sugar coat anything. There were moments which I felt so incredibly hopeless and filled with extreme guilt and grief...I had no clue why I should continue on. As I sat at work on a few moment break, the racing thoughts and suicidal ideations were pretty damn strong. And in those desperate and horrible moments.and..I got a text from one of my children. Reminded once again, why....I continue on.
It sucks. It sucks giant effing donkey balls.
As the week continued on I have tried day-after-day to get back up...again and again.....and over and over it has been nothing but.......shoe drop....after shoe drop.
With the last shoe smacking me right in the smack in the face on Saturday morning.
I sat in a Mc.D's parking lost yesterday morning approx. 65 miles from my home. Unable to move. Unable to do anything. Unaware of the fact that I was blocking traffic. Unaware of anything around me. As I sat in my car.....trying to catch my breath and attempt to regroup....I sent my dh a txt. "Sitn in D_ McD's parking lot. I can't believe how TALL __ has gotten....jst seen him go into McD's"
There have been many lows the last few days/weeks/months. The low (Blow) that I felt yesterday was one that has not hit in a long time. I was able to regroup and continue on w/my day. I had an appt I needed to attend. There was no way that I could cancel. And so, I pulled myself together...stuffed those raw, painful, and truly overwhelming memories/guilt/shame/grief....deep down. WAY down deep. Because, I had no choice but to continue on with my day!
I drove home....blaring Pink's F*cking P.erfect. There were not enough Kleenex in the box I keep in my car.
Today...I sit. TV playing for background noice. Unable to concentrate with out thinking about yesterday mornings events. Irritated as all get out at my husband for starting a very large project with very little man power. We don't have the ability to have this project NOT finished this weekend. Here it is...4pm on Sunday evening and there are 4 posts cemented into our yard. We need many more posts cemented AND the rest of this project FINISHED before next Saturday.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
This is/was the topic in the d.bt group I am attending. Because it was such a hot topic last week, the facilitators decided to extend it a week. Which is good, I guess, for me bc last week I did not go to the group. I could not bare the thought of going, let alone leaving the house.
The first page of the handout diagrams "why do i keep....."
Cutting, drinking, yelling, ect.
Goes on to say for every BEHAVIOR their equals a REWARD.
You work....you get paid.
You garden...you get flowers and veggies.
You have panic attack...you get attention n compassion.
You cut...you get physical/emotional relief.
And the list goes on and on.
For every temporary reward there is a long-term cost/danger.
I, for one, can understand and relate with this aspect.
I, don't fully agree, with the first part of this.
Sure, I have my outbursts and say things I regret. Sure, that brings with it, attention.
However, more and more....I AM the ONLY person that knows...
*I am having full blown panic attack
*I am in a really ROUGH patch.
I am struggling with the homework portion of this weeks assignment.
Naming a emotion/thought and listing the behavior...then the reward for that behavior and the how the behavior might bee repeated.
I am sure those around me may be able to figure this out. I, not so much.