13 Years and Counting

There is a post that will go up on my 'not so private blog' about the anniversary that today and tmw marks.  (it might take me some time).  If you would like the link to that 'blog' and don't know it please leave a comment.  I will only share it w/you if you have left comments before on this blog or I know of you from 'somewhere else in cyberspace or in real life'.

How it was the start of a glorious and wonderful time in my life.  One that I thank my Father in Heaven for daily for trusting and allowing me to be a part of.

In the days/weeks to come I will try to blog about The Before.  How I got from The Before to Now.  I have wrote many posts, scheduled them to post while giving myself time to ponder if I wanted to post it.

There were several contributing factors to what led up to the now. And the anniversary that is marked today isn't the sole contributing factors.  Trauma as a child and young adult both contributed to those factors.  As well as a family history that goes back as far as my Aunts/Mom can track of depression in female memebers.  And the severity seems to skip a generation (this is a 'newer thought amoung one of my aunts and I...one that isn't proven to be correct...however; I'm certain we are on to something)...I just happen to be that generation.  It is important for me to not loose sight of those facts.

And as I am able, ready, and willing.....I will try and write it out....here.

SPEAK - National Suicide Prevention Week

Somehow several months ago I came across Random Ramblings of SAHM. I really can't even describe to you what this beautiful women has done for me in the last several months.

A few weeks after I started reading Lori's blog posts the love of her life...took his own life...right before her very own eyes.  Shocked beyond what one could ever imagine...she turned to her blog and began writing.  Her blog took a different twist and theme than it had prior. 

Often I have a very hard time reading Lori's post.  They are raw and honest.  She speaks nothing but the truth.  And the truth is powerful.  Yesterdays post just so happens to be one of those tough posts that are hard to read.  You can find it HERE.

It has been no secret while I've blogged here that I struggle with suicidal ideation regularly.  There are very few people...as in only 2-3 who know the circumstances that led to suicidal thoughts. It is something that even after being hospitalized for I was still ashamed.  My husband, mother, family....none of them know.  They would not get it and honestly...I DO NOT GET IT!! 

It is a daily battle.  Somedays easier than others.  Often there are weeks that it is merely just a speck of my thoughts.  And there are times when it is much worse.  This year has been on records a rather tough one. 

Today is NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION AWARENESS DAY.

Break the silence.
Speak.

the Before

Last night I had a sometime where  I was able to write out  a post....a long one...about the Before.  Before , I came to this spot where depression and anxiety often kick my ass. It disappeared into cyber-space.

It is frustrating to me , to have this post gone off into cyber space.  

This post touched upon areas that I don't discuss, ever.  

The Before....

today.
as in this very moment.

I REALLY miss the me that was Before.

And I'm struggling a ton with that Before imagine.  And what it looks like vs today.

Before

There was a point before I was diagnosed with depression that I never ever thought about my thoughts or mind.  Then again, who does?  What somewhat normal person thinks about what they think?  Goes into a semi panic attack that his/her thoughts were not appropriate, they are going to lead to an anxiety attack, or in some cases (mine specifically) suicidal ideations become a rather every day part of life?  Really, I never imagined before that this would be an issue. 

A combination of meds and therapy have brought me to where I am today.  I do not really believe the meds do much.  I've improved a great deal in the last several years.  However, I don't believe it has anything to do with the meds.  I do believe it has much to do with an awesome therapist who has my back.  Who believes in me.  Who isn't just there to listen.

Often, life has continued on around me, while I am walking in my own little world. Trying desperately to hold on to that before that I have in my head.  It is something that my therapist has on several occasions wanted to know about.  Who were you before this all came about?

I really don't know...anymore.

I've lost that person I was B.E.F.O.R.E.

I want her back.