Friday, July 18, 2014

That Thing I Hate....

I'm here.  Kinda.  Not really sure where to start. What to say. I'm not sure how much I want to say.

In May, I was blessed to be able to head to Utah and spend some much needed time with my best friend and her family.  It was a much needed trip and "Beauty in Tough Times" was really what I needed at that point.  My husband and I spoke a several times about having me go to see D* and her family after my surgery the beginning of May.  Each time my husband saying "you have no clue how well you will is best you go before".  He had a very good point.

I have had 3 shoulder surgeries in 2 years and 4 surgeries in the last 6 months.  Needless to say the clump of hair on the shower drain wasn't much of a surprise this morning.  Even though I expected it to happen at some point, I wasn't fully prepared for it.

My head hasn't been in a particularly good space lately.  Talking about it is pretty tough.  I don't even know what or how much to say about it with the people that are closest to me.

There are several different reasons.  Several possible reasons.  All have a rather large combined impact.  These "other" things have all taken their toll collectively.

I don't really want to write about any of it.  So I haven't.  The reasons don't really matter.  What truly matters is how I manage each of these things together w/o coming apart at the seams.

One of the things, for me, that is the hardest right now is feeling alone.  Ultimately, I feel I am coping with this alone.There is no one offline who I feel really gets it that lives within close proximity.  My best friend lives 5 states away.  And then there is the part of me that struggles with not wanting to bother anyone else anyway.

Take this afternoon as an example.  I did need someone in person. I did need someone to check in with.  I have a friend who lives in close proximity (same town) as I do.  She can be somewhat triggering and I can handle her in small doses.  After spending a majority of the day wavering back and forth in the world of suicidal ideation and self harm thoughts spinning, having not ate anything other than a banana, I decided to call her.  After I was sitting in my car at McD's I called her.  She was going to bed. Little did I know she had posted on FB 2 minutes before she was going to bed and if anyone woke her she would kill them.  Didn't tell her what I really wanted.  And really didn't want to bother her.  I told her I would talk to her some other time.  Sat in my car for another half hour before texting someone else and coming home and crawling into bed.

Things are cloudy.  Thoughts spinning non-stop.  I know I catastrophise to the point of no return, in my mind.  I think that things are at the very worst they have ever been.  I start obsessing how about how to change and manage things. The more I try to figure it out the worse it gets.  My mind has been in chaos.  Generally much greater chaos that it is in reality.

It's scary and much worse than it probably sounds.  I struggle with how to stop and just have calm. The struggle continues to keep things quiet and keep it from escalating further in my mind.

You know the thing I really hate about mental illness?  There are actually many things that I hate about mental illness.  On so many different levels.  I've thought about it a lot over the last several weeks.  The one thing that I really hate....

That deep need to just curl up and NEVER seems to go away.  EVER!

I struggle a ton with lack of motivation.  I've not worked since the first week of February.  Even when I am motivated to go about life and do things....I still have the deep seeded feeling inside of "I want to curl up and hide".

I know that I can't curl up and hide.  I know it is just a feeling.  It is still there.  It is still incredible lonely.  And it makes everyday life and functioning 10x harder.

I still get up every damn day.  I still keep going every day. I still keep doing all the things I normally do.  I still am a mom.  I still keep being me. I still keep resisting the urge to curl up and hide for a very long time.

Almost every day.

That feeling it is still there.  Regardless of how much I get up.  I keep trying.  I do things to keep myself busy. I do things that I enjoy. I do things that I want to be doing with my family.  I try like crazy to enjoy life.  I try like crazy to enjoy my children. I take my medication (when I'm on meds). I don't miss appointments. I go to weekly therapy and physcial therapy.

I interact with others. I enjoy life at times. To the naked eye - I do well.  Yet, deep down the need to curl up and hide is still there. The need to turn the constant spinning off in my head is still there.  It never really goes away.

All these things are just part of managing this beast.  Yet the beast is still there.  It never goes away.  Ever.

I keep going. I hate to be told "but you keep going..." because deep down...this crap never goes away.  And when I'm told "but you keep going, you keep getting up, you keep managing......."

There is a part in my head that says when you say that to are dismissing what I'm feeling.

And all this, is perhaps what I hate about this illness.