Friday, June 17, 2016



I have been wanting to blog for sometime.  It isn't like I don't have the time.  I just don't have the words.  I have many blog posts stored in my head.  The moment I sit down to write them the words...they disappear like bandit in the night.

If I were to blog this post "right here and now" as I am may come out as a rant and rave.  I am likely to regret later anything that I publish now.  It is my intent, to be candid and honest.  However, I will go back and clean up extensive foul language....which usually comes out the most when I am angry.

I know it is important to express being angry.  I AM ANGRY.  This is a feeling that everyone of us have inside....anger.  Many of us avoid anger at all costs.  We are raised to 'contain' our anger.  It is a very scary and uncomfortable feeling to have so much anger.  There is not one thing about it that I enjoy or like.  Often in my life, anger was not displayed appropriately.  It has only been in the recent months/year that I(we) have been able to learn how anger can be felt and expressed appropriately and in a healthy manner.

Trauma survivors...we have plenty of things to be angry about.  I know that. I get it.  I know that in no way am I overreacting.  Yet, other things I am angry about, alone by themselves, would not warrant the strong feelings of anger that I have.  However, they tend to pile up on top of everything else with everything that makes me angry.....add more fuel to the fire.  The fire gets larger and larger the more anger is contained in an unhealthy manner (aka: keeping my mouth shut and containing it)

I am trying very hard to control myself, on the outside, things on the inside feel completely out of control.  I want to lash out at someone and yet I know that won't help anything.  I want to scream at the top of my lungs and yet I have no words when I try to.  I have this burning in the pit of my stomach and it feels like at anytime I can regurgitate 40 years worth of anger at the next person that says "hi" or looks at me odd.

I am so afraid of saying something I will regret, I often can not express the anger I have to the one person who is safe and has all but said "bring it on...".  I can't blog about these things without making sure what I write is 'appropriate'.  I am stuck only writing about the experience of feeling anger.

I know that it is important to release this anger and to be able to express it in a healthy manner.  It is important that I do so appropriately and in a way that will help me and not hurt me.

Random Thoughts....

I can't place my finger on what seems to be going on internally.  It's almost like the emotional roller coaster ride that never ends.  Sometimes it is really intense and others not so much.  Then the ride is intense again and I'm holding on for dear life again.

One minute I am doing well. The next I am in tears. The next I am yelling at my husband.  And another I am literally shaking and questioning myself on everything.  Then I am back to a place where I think I got a handle on things and it is going ok.  The rapid changes, rapid switching and unpredictability is very hard to manage and deal with.  I am feeling unstable even though I don't know exactly why and it's hard to explain why and what is going on.

I know there's stuff going on internally that is creating the undercurrent of a lot of these feelings. The intensity seems to be getting worse.  Often over the last few weeks (and always my therapist will ask how I am doing.  I keep saying ok bc I don't know how else to explain what is going on.  There are really no words to describe what I am feeling.  I worry that as time continues to go on and I am unable to describe what I am experiencing she will not know how to help me.  If I can't tell her how is she supposed to know?  She can usually tell by facial expressions and body language there is something going on.  Often it feels like she has the words that I don't.

I am thankful I don't have do this alone.  I have a therapist who is there to help me through this.  I have a husband that is trying to learn and be more understanding. I have my best friend who is trying her best to be supportive as she can from 5 states away.  Ultimately, at the end of the day....days like today...I need them by my side when I feel as though I am sinking miserable and feel so unstable.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Dirty little B* called Shame...

At some point a few months ago I came to the realization that most of my 40+ years on this earth have been filled with shame.  It is a theme that has pepper sprayed my life from the time I was very young.  There have been things that have come out in therapy in the last year, that continue to come to light, and the common theme for me is shame.  In addition to my abuse struggles, came several years of infertility and then a failed adoption...these things added to the shame that was already there.

I want to be in a place where I can let go of the shame.  Damn it has a really tight grip on me though. It isn't a fun place to be in.  It is so deeply ingrained into my though process and mind, into who I am as a being, it's been there for nearly 40 years.  It is so deeply rooted the process of shedding the shame is like manually separating muscles from my bones.  It is feels impossible.  It is excruciating.  I have had four shoulder surgeries in less than 4 years.  It feels impossible to be be able let it go.

I am sure if you talk to my therapist she will share with you (and me) that it is possible.  I am thankful for her hope and commitment to me. If I am honest, I will tell you that I have a very hard time believing it is no more possible than it is for me to get a new body.

If I am being honest, I will say that therapy feels kind of like a war zone most of the time.  I often wonder if we will survive all of the minefields in the ward zone. As with so much of the things that drive the struggles I continue to have, shame drives these thoughts.

Today...I am breathing.  Today...I am alive.  Today...I continue to put one foot in front of the other.  It's all I can do.