Wednesday, September 28, 2011

~Don't Believe~

Yikes.  Is this one ever hard for me to believe!!

Somewhere along the line this concept became a reality for me.

Believing what I think. 
Believing that I am less than perfect.
Believing that I will never achieve my the goals, wants and desires. 
Believing that I am not a good mother.
Believing that because the child we adopted could not live in and/or return to our home that I had failed as a HIS mother and would/still was failing as the mother to my other children.
Believing that I had failed my children and was failing as a wife.

Along the line, I believed that I could not hold a full-time job. And it was just a matter of time before I was fired or layed off or just up and quit.  It was something that had been a reality nearly all of my adult life.  And once I had my children, it became an even bigger reality. 

It wasn't until several months ago when one of my sweet soul sisters posted on my FB wall this video. And trust me...I've been to therapy (if you couldn't tell) and I know these things. Somehow hearing it in this song was truly what my soul needed to hear. My dh got mad bc I played that video over and over and over and over....for days. I listened to it till I could sing word for word. I bought the CD. I would drive to/from work w/the song on repeat. Often...tears would flow as I listened and tried to remember....that I am Perfect! And damn it all why do I need to believe anything different?

This continues to be a daily struggle.  I'm quite certain it won't end in the near future.  I can try.  We all can try.  And that is all we or I can hope for.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

~Just take a nap~

.....another post taken from my drafts.

I often take naps.  Often. It is a coping mechanism that came about sometime ago.  I can't even tell you when.  Over the last few weeks...I've taken lots of naps.  Finding a happy-medium and remembering their needs to be moderation in all things.  Even with how often you need to take naps.

Monday, September 26, 2011

A Pair of Shoes

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them,

and each day I wish

I had another pair.

Some days ...

my shoes hurt so bad

that I do not think ...

I can take ...

another step.

Yet ... I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks

for wearing these shoes.

I can tell in others eyes

that they are glad

they are my shoes

and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are

might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes

you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on,

you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the

only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some women ache daily

as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them

so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long

that days will go by before they

think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet ... because of these shoes,

I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me

the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes

of a woman

who had to disrupt her adoption

in order to protect.

the other children in her home.

I will forever walk in the shoes
of a woman
who struggles


depression and anxiety.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Thankfullness Project Monday

Breaking the blogging break...for the Thankfulness Project Monday Post.  It has been a few weeks since I've posted this. I need to try very hard to do this each week and not let myself get so deep into depression cycle that I don't do it.

  • Medical Care
    I'm not always very thankful for the my medical team.  I am very blessed to have a wonderful PCP, PCP-PA (who is just an absolute doll), Psychiatrist and Therapist.  Each of these 4 ladies is beautiful in their own way.  Frustrations aside...I love each of them for various different reasons. 

  • InsuranceI am very blessed to have a very good insurance policy.  My employer offers this plan to me at no cost.  I will begin paying a small portion ofmy insurnace costs starting next year.  I'm okay with this.  I have wonderful insurance and I've had to turn down employment in the past because the insurance did not have a very good mental health policy. I'm blessed beyond measure to have this benefit at my employment.  It comes at a very high price at times since my choice of career at this moment tends to be very triggersome.

  • Massage TherapistWhat a blessing Heather has been in my life. I've been very blessed to have the ability to get frequent massages.  it seems that every single time I think/say "I'm going to spread these out"...something happens.  Somewhere along the line - my shoulder acts up, my head attempts to exploding (like this week) or something and I end up back at square one.  Heather is very good at what she does.  She is very passionate at what she does.  Because of this she has a very unique ability that I've not been able to find in any other massage therapist. 

  • Summer Sweet Corn and Chocolate Marshmellow IcecreamCrazy I know.  But for is all good in the dinner department.  Oh' what a lovely and easy dinner we had. I hate to cook. I hate it.  I rarely ever cook.  This evening our dinner included:  Cresc. rolls with peperoni and canadian bacon - rolled up with a 1/2 string cheese, GRILLED sweetcorn. We googled grilled sweetcorn and came up with 3 different ways to grill.  The best way would be that of "wrapping it in butter, salt/pepper, and foil."  and of course our dessert was icecream!
This post was wrote earlier in the week.  A day or so after my Uncle passed away.

I've not been around my Aunt and Uncle much since I got married.  I moved back to my home state 18 years ago this fall.  Prior to doing so, I spent a great deal of time w/my Aunt D and Uncle D.  They were truly my heros. I looked up to them. I watched every single bit of their parenting.

 My Aunt D was as sarcastic and religious as they come.  She loves the Lord.  She loves her husband.  She loves her children.  And my Uncle D was as gentle as any man I knew.  He loved his wife.  Oh' did he love his wife.  He adored each of his 4 children.  Shortly after I came back to my home state they added to their family.  Their baby turned 16 the day D passed away.

I wasn't acutely aware of D's issues with depression.  It is a givenn when you live in constant pain.  Approx. 10 years ago D had an accident and hurt his back.  Not long after that my dh had a very similiar injury to his back.  I hope and pray that my dh's issues w/his back never get as severe as my Uncle D's did. 

The last time I saw D was 2 years ago when we our family visited Wa State for Easter Break.  My children met the other side of my family. That they never had any idea was there.  My daughter made a connection with D & D's youngest daughter.  We adored Lil J.  Who is not so little anymore.  She is a beautiful 16 yr old young lady.  Without a daddy.  Dear Lord my heart breaks for her.

My Aunt/Uncle are really the only people who know about the abuse that I endured at the hand of their brother/brother-in-law.  When I lived with my grandparents and my aunt and uncle = D/D made it very clear to me that my birth vessel was never to be seen on any of their property.  And even more so that I was justified in my feelings/thoughts about him.  My mother knows.  She chooses to ignore and be in denial.  She was abused greatly by him.  My Aunt and Uncle were very aware of the abuse she endured at the hand of his addictions and stupidity.

The emotions I've had over D's death have been wide.  Anger, hurt, pure sadness...and joy and happiness.  Those last 2 seem a bit odd in a way.  However, not so much when you've lived several years a life of suicidal ideation.  And I'm sure in my Uncle D's case a decade of uncontrollable pain.  He can dance freely.  And there is no doubt in my mind he is racing those cars, dancing and rejoicing in heaven as he is no longer in pain.


So much more to say.  However, as I said in yesterday's post....I need to take a break.  I will be posting a few "drafts" over the next lil bit.

Saturday, September 24, 2011


...on my other blog I've taken blogging breaks.

Sometimes, that consists of only a few days.
Sometimes, that can consist of longer periods of time.
Sometimes, I don't even know what it is that I'm thinking/wanting/needing from that particular break.

I'm not positive I believe this quote.  However, I will try to embrace it.  Try and find meaning behind it.

I had a therapy appt this morning that left my head spinning a tad more than usual.  I get that J was thinking out loud and attempting to figure out which direction we need to move fwd in.  However, it left me feeling very unsettled!  I know it wasn't her intent. I know that therapy isn't supposed to be roses and rainbows.  I know it is her job to put these things out there.  In no way did it offend me.  Yet, at the same time she hit a very very raw spot.  One that I'm not even able to put words to.  I wish I could.  Maybe if I could, she could feel like she was helping me....or better yet..I..could help myself.  What I can say is..until I know what I need....I'm not sure J or anyone else can help me.  Today more than ever am feeling very beaten down (again nothing J said...just my own thought process and such) and completely a failure.  Because seriously....who the hell is in therarpy long term as in several years w/o knowing what they want/need?

So for now and the hours/days ahead I will ponder....why I was given this life?  and how it will leave me strong enough to live it.

I may/may not - post a Thankfulness Monday Project.  I've got a few drafts that I've not published bc I've felt particularly vulnerable lately and have left them out in cyber-draft-land.

Thursday, September 22, 2011


I had/have a blog post swirling about this very quote.  I had started the post yesterday morning while I was sitting at work on-call.  When I found out about my Uncle Dan, I was unable to compose it.  I sat down this morning in hopes that I could finish it.  Instead, I deleted the post. 

Our childhood can kill the dreams we often have.  I know there are a few different things that happened my senior year of high school that significantly killed the dream that I ever had of "going to college and getting a college degree."  This particular tape is one that has (and still does) play rather loud and often gets stuck on repeat.

I'm not going to be composing that post. It was deleted this morning.  I am still trying to process my Uncle D's death and the impact that it will forever hold on his beautiful family.  His children, who are my age.  Whom, when we were younger we were very very close!!  Trying to process the fact that I live half a nation away and feel even further away.  There is nothing more than I would love to do right now than to board a plane and fly 1/2 way across the US...just so I could sit in the presense of my beautiful Aunt and her children.  To hug them, cry with them, just to bask in their sweet spirits. 

I'm sure my Uncle D had many different things that killed his dreams.  His life was successful.  Very.  Until an accident that took away his ability to work in his business.

I will forever remember his infectious smile, his calm personality, his pure hatred for my birth father that was SOOOO validiating to me (i hate him, too), his love for his Father in Heaven and even more...his love for his wife and children.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

No words

I really don't get it!

And yet, I DO get it!

This morning I managed to pull myself together and go to work.  I sat oncall for 3 hours.  Barely keeping myself together.  When I read a FB status from my cousin that read "I never imagined loosing my daddy would be so hard....I love you..your - -."

My heart sank as I realized my uncle Dan passed away last night.  On his dd's 16th birthday.

I was in T.arget 2 hours later when I was called and told that my Uncle Dan committed suicide last night.

I am devastated. I GET IT.  Yet, I don't!


Dear Lord...why?  It has been the only thing I can muster up the strength to really think/say!!

Monday, September 19, 2011

just a thought

and I'm all out!!
and I'm pretty pissy about it!!

So if you are in the area...please bring me some chocolate and a VERY cold DIET soda.  IDC what kind of diet...just diet!!

There is.....

......Sunshine in my soul today.  So glorious and.......

*not really but I can pretend*

While trying very hard not to burst into tears bc some jackhole passenger decided to spew sh@t my direction today....i burst out singing in my horrible singing tine of voice....

THERE IS SUNSHINE IN MY SOUL TODAY.  He shut up and said I was a crazy bitch.  I agreed with him that I am crazy.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Medication, Work and Sleep...

I love this song by Laura Story.

I've posted this link here before.  Today, yesterday, this last week....I've often thought about the lyrics to this song.  As the tears have flowed freely for so many different reasons.

I'm certain that one of the reasons I've struggled lately is the sleepless nights have taken their toll.  And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that lack of sleep = lack of coping = lack of coping = struggles.

It is a very fine line I walk when it comes to medication.  I have an appt with my shrink this week.  I have a rather love hate relationship w/her.  She's awesome. She really is. She knows me and that is soooo dang important.  However, sometimes that works against me.  She knows the struggles I have with medication.  I also have issues with what type of medications can I use that will not cause negative effects and interfer with my job.  That is a big issues.  Often medication that will help you sleep needs to be taken shortly before you go to bed.  When a person gets up early to go to work such as I do 4 out of 5 days per work week (my alarm is set for 4am or earlier every day....and I dno't wear make up, curl my hair or do anything but take a wake-up shower) it is suggested that the medication be taken earlier in the evening.  IE: with your dinner or around 5-6pm.  That again, becomes an issue.  Rarely ever am I A: home or B: off work by that time.  Which means I can not take a sleeping agent.  Often I get off work and have less than 12 hours before I have to return to work.  I often do not find out what I have to work the following day until 4-5pm the day before.  Because I work on-call my schedule is rarely ever the same.  Prime example of not knowing 'what/when' I work.  I know that I have to work from 6:20a-10am in the morning.  I will not find out until 8:30am what I have to work for the remainder of tmw.  I have an idea.  But I don't know for sure.  It is likely I will have to return around 1-3pm and will have to work until no later than 8pm tmw.  I have requested off from 4:30pm to EOS (end of service) tmw bc I have the group that I'm attending. 

Taking medication to sleep is virtually impossible with my job.

I need to take something to help me sleep tonight.  I've slept very little the last 10 days.  Seriously, less than 3 hours at any given time.  I did take something last night.  However, I've had this horrendous headache AND lack of sleep is just one of many reasons why I have this headache...yet it prevents me from getting good sleep. 

Praying that I will be able to get a decent amount of sleep - sound sleep!  No waking up. 

Saturday, September 17, 2011

I like this picture.
Most likely it will be posted here again.

Day 3...

Of having a horrendous headache/migraine.   Started with neck and shoulder pain on Thursday.  Turned headache.

Friday night I slept horrible.  Nightmare city.  Panic city.  Woke up with a killer headache. 

Chiropractor appt helped.  Then it started back in yesterday afternoon.  And all night.  Stressed and feeling like a complete failure for having to call in sick again for the 2nd day in a row if this didn't go away by morning I went to bed in tears.  Fighting the downward spiral that would make this headache worse.

I cancelled a photoshoot for today before going to bed.   Took more tylonal than my body should have had and off to sleep.  And i slept!!  Big deep sleep. 

When my alarm went off at 5am for work i swear it was as if it jumped on my face it hurt so much.

Showered and then crawled back in bed after realizing there was no dang way I could work with this horrendous migraine.

Called chiropractor and he said come back.  So i just did.  He said my neck and shoulders was way worse than yesterday.  He gave me a work note and encouraged me to get a massage.  Which air am.  AGAIN...but not with Heather.  I should have called her.  I feel guilty bc its the weekend.  So I called Massage E.nvy.  oi!  Praying for some relief.  My chiropractor ...hes a gem.  He knows me and knows me well.   He mentioned that he is certain the 'muscle tightness is in relation to my emotional state of mind.  I said to him ive not said anything to you and haven't seen you in 2 weekend. He said he knows me and knows me well.   I laughed. 

This has been a long spurt.  I'm ready for a break.  Even fof a few days.  I will take anything.  I got a lil chuckle when another friend told me she found some article of clothing in her attic that reminded her of me and she cried because she missed me.  Why did I chuckle....bc yesterday while I was in bed my son slammed a door in the house.  When I saw her a few weeks ago she gave me a picture frame with a lil blurp from my favorite song...F@caking Perfect by Pink.  When the door slammed it fell off my headboard and on my face.  Remember my head hurts....but at that moment I missed her. And the tears flowed.  It was my Father in Heavens way of reminding me...I'm not alone. 

Friday, September 16, 2011

Some Days.....

All you can really do is...
And for today...this is what I'm doing.  One breath at a time.  One step at a time.  The TV was not turned on until my son came home from school.  There was no radio.  There was very little sensory input into my brain.

I woke up in the wee hours of the night after having a rather disturbing nightmare.  One that often creeps its way into life and distrubs my sleep.  Last night was not such a good night for such thing to happen.  I woke up with a headache to go along with the panic that seemed to over-ride a good nights sleep.

My alarm was set for 4:10am.  My 2nd alarm was set for 4:15am.  Snooze was hit for both alarms.  I had fallen backk to sleep less than an hour prior.  It was do freeking early.  My head hurt. My neck hurt. My shoulders hurt. My face was on fire.  There was no way I could safely do my job today.  I fought the fight.  Fought the fact that I really can't be calling sick.  I fought w/my own thoughts and negative self talk as I laid in bed staring at the clock.  I've been rather proud of has been almost 2 full weeks and I've used no FMLA and not called in sick once.  Whoa...come Sunday morning I would have made had 8 full hours of sick time as the new pay period started.  This has not happened since the beginning of summer.  I fought that battle thinking I could just go in for my first part of my shift.  Then I sat up, still fighting the negative thoughts that I should stay home/should go to work.  Walked into the bathroom (which is 20 feet from my bed thankfully) and puked my guts out.  I sat on the bathroom floor puking, sobbing, mad at myself, mad at the world, cursing at everything and everyone.....and holding my head bc it hurt so damn much.  I managed to get back to my bed, speed dial #9 is dispatch....I need speed dial at 4am in the morning bc I could barely make out the 9.  "This is _ calling in for today. No I will not be back for my 2nd piece of work. Yes. Yes. Self. I will be back tmw." click.  I then closed my eyes and it was 7:45 am.  My dh hands on my face.  "You have a u want to pick up _ or pick up _ and take _ to the dentist and shopping for Sunday outfits".  No, I have a migraine...I need to call Dr. _ office and see about getting in. Maybe if he adjusts my neck I will be better.  Maybe if I just don't move or think or takl to anyone all effing day...I will feel better.  He left to take one of our kids to school. I laid still.  Texted a friend.  Send a FB chat to another friend.  And closed my eyes.  I was not moving.  Shortly after dh came home and brought me breakfast.  Seriously...I laid flat on my back and did not move and ate 2 sandwhiches.  Pig. I know. 

I got into see Dr. M for my neck.  I felt so much better immediately.  The release was amazing.  Another friend text me and told me she was 'late' for work (which she really wasnt but its a stupid system) and she was off for the day unexpected.  I was just leaving the vet w/our new puppy.  (Vet and my Dr. were 5 min. apart).  We were close to her house and so we met for lunch. 

I came home and again spent 2 hrs laying flat in my bed. Not moving. Wishing and praying and hoping that this massive headache of mine would LEAVE.  Be gone. 

I can't tell if it is stress, fear, anxiety, phsyical, or what induced. 

I'm laying on the couch w/my son.  He is watching old cartoons.  I need to lay on the couch. In my room I find myself swirling downward and the guilt, shame, grief, denial, the you're not good enough, you eff'd up...and all that negative crap that feeds into suicdal thinking gets fed into. 

So for now...I'm laying on the couch.  With my new quilt that was made by one of my Soul Sisters mother for a fundraising auction, puppy on one side of me and son on the other.

Saturday is a new day.
I'm hoping that Saturday will be the day I snap out of this current spiral.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Massage Mind

I LOVE this article.

Massage Mind.

I've received massages on a rather regular basis for nearly 2 years.  I've had many good. I've had many bad.  And I've had some awesome massages that left me speechless.

I've blogged before about Heather and will continue as along as I am finding benefits.  She is worth her weight in gold. I am so thankful I've found her and even more thankful for her beautiful skill.  She is truly a talented lady who knows her clients and herself.  There has been much healing since I started seeing Heather in late April/Early May.

More and more I've found myself getting to the Massage Mind that is talked about in this article. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

90 Minutes....

For 90 minutes this afternoon...I turned off my phone.
For 90 minutes this afternoon...I tuned out the world.
For 90 minutes this afternoon...I attempted to regroup.
For 90 minutes this afternoon...I attempted to reground my inner soul.
For 90 minutes this afternoon...I attempted to find an inner peace.
For 90 minutes this afternoon...I shut off everything that was spinning and swirling in my head.....

and attempted to find relaxation!!

DEEP relaxation.

When Heather asked what my goal was for todays session..I made it very clear to A: follow your intuition and B: relaxation.

I know and trust that Heather to get me to that point.  And for the 90 minutes that I was there....I did just that. 

If it was financially possible I would see her twice a week for the next few weeks in hopes to curb the increased anxiety that has been/does/is leading to other downward spiraling.

There are many studies that show massage therapy helps in many aspects of ones life.  The benefits are extremely helpful to your health and well-being.

I've been scheduling my massage appts bi-weekly and generally on the same day as a therapy appt.  I feel selfish going bi-weekly.  Yet, I also know that the benefits are significant. 

The lady that I see is awesome and I'm so thankful she was brought into my path.

There are days (today being one of them) where I don't always look forward to going for my massage.  And those are the days that I need it most.  Interesting that the days that I 'look forward' to seeing Heather the most are the days where I'm physically beaten up. My body hurts. 

I need my dh to hear me out. 
I need my dh to not think I'm being selfish.
I need my dh to not just agree and say "whatever makes you happy dear".
I figure out how to make these 90 minutes last a full 2 weeks. 
or win the lottery that I have never played!

Monday, September 12, 2011


I'm not posting a Thanfulness Monday blog post today.

My heart hurts and I'm having a very hard time finding thankfulness within my heart today.

Will He Really Answer Me

My faith has stumbled a great deal over the last several years. A combination of several different events has led my faith to be very weary.

I know that my Father in Heaven hears and will really answer my prayers. At times it is much harder to believe and accept.

This song has been one of my favorite songs since I was in Young Women's nearly 20+ years ago. It was always very comforting.

This evening, I came home to a quiet and empty house. Fighting back tears. As I tried to find some sort of comfort and guidance that we did do the right thing w/one of our children. I was reminded once again of the comfort that I once found in knowing He really will answer my prayers. Unfortunately, right now I don't know what it is that I want answers to. I do know that I need to find comfort and peace. It isn't something that has/is coming very easily.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

How I Stayed Alive..

It has been almost 6 years since my therapist told me she wanted me to check this book out from the library.  My husband bought it for me the day after I was admitted to the hosptial for anorexia 6 years ago this October.  I read the book in one day.  And then again the next day...and the next...and the next.

I pulled it out this morning. Hoping I can find something different in it this time around.  Sometimes refreshers are good. 

Saturday, September 10, 2011

SPEAK - National Suicide Prevention Week

Somehow several months ago I came across Random Ramblings of SAHM. I really can't even describe to you what this beautiful women has done for me in the last several months.

A few weeks after I started reading Lori's blog posts the love of her life...took his own life...right before her very own eyes.  Shocked beyond what one could ever imagine...she turned to her blog and began writing.  Her blog took a different twist and theme than it had prior. 

Often I have a very hard time reading Lori's post.  They are raw and honest.  She speaks nothing but the truth.  And the truth is powerful.  Yesterdays post just so happens to be one of those tough posts that are hard to read.  You can find it HERE.

It has been no secret while I've blogged here that I struggle with suicidal ideation regularly.  There are very few in only 2-3 who know the circumstances that led to suicidal thoughts. It is something that even after being hospitalized for I was still ashamed.  My husband, mother, family....none of them know.  They would not get it and honestly...I DO NOT GET IT!! 

It is a daily battle.  Somedays easier than others.  Often there are weeks that it is merely just a speck of my thoughts.  And there are times when it is much worse.  This year has been on records a rather tough one. 


Break the silence.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Sit Down and Shut Up

I've started this post a few times.  Deleted it.  Restarted it.  Deleted it....I will keep it short bc sometimes that is just what is best. 

For the most part this week went very smooth.  Life is life.  There is no way around the ups and downs that come with living life.

For the majority of the time I am able to function fairly well at work.  There are only a few select people who know about my struggles. 

This afternoon was not one of them.  I don't care to go into details because reality is....same shit just different damn day.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Just Breathe

So very true...this lil saying I came across this morning.
Often I find myself getting wrapped up in the moment. 
Wrapped up in all that is wrong and screwed up.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Random Thoughts

One of the hardest things for me to accept and deal with over the last several years is the random - out of nowhere - suicidal thoughts that seam to pop into my thinking at any given moment.

This afternoon I was brought to tears and a near anxiety attack as I drov over this bridge.

This picture doesn't do the bridge true justice.  It wasn't part of my driving path on the way to visit my Sweet Soul Sister.  Somehow, my GPS decided to take me a different route - one that went via Gary, Indiana and then right smack into down town Chi-town!

As I drove over the bridge my thoughts went from listening to Pink's F*cking thinking "whoa...good thing I don't live near any bridges like this".

 And few other things that I will choose not to share at this time. I was more than visable upset.  My daughter, snoozing off-on in the front seat asked me what was wrong.  I portrayed it as nothing bad sweetheart, I'm just tired of driving and the GPS is taking us a different route...which scares me bc I don't know my way around.  She accepted my answer and closed her eyes.

I snapped back into reality and then became angry.  Very angry.  Angry at myself for allowing these things to creep into my day/weekend.  Angry that I had such a wonderful time w/my sweet soul sister and was able to just and for the last 2 days was rather anxiety free (there were moments...but nothing that was not w/in my control).

I'm sure it probably sounds crazy....but every.single.time thoughts like what happened to me on my way home today....take me by surprise.  And when I'm in a much better angers me.  When I'm not in a very good space -- it is no real surprise and I basically don't give a sh*t.   

The next time I take a road trip, such as I did this weekend.....I will be sure that my route to return home will be the same route that I took in the same place!  I don't like surprises.  No....I DO NOT!!  And that bridge...took me by surprise.  I seriously, did not expect myself to have the reaction that I did.

Thankfulness Project Monday

My heart is so full this evening as I think about what a wonderful weekend my children and I had.  And I'm truly blessed for a wonderful frienship that has blossomed over the last few months.  Having someone that truly knows what it is like to fight daily, weekly, monthly w/the demons of suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, ect a truly blessing in disguise.  Truly...a blessing in disguise.

My children are rockstars!   They are the reason why I get up every day.  They are the reason why I not only get up but go to work  (almost everday)!  I am so proud of the beautiful people that they are becoming. 

Job:I often complain about my job. I often am triggered by my job.  Actually, every single day I am triggered by my job.  Regardless, I am so thankful that I have this position. I'm thankful that I've been able to keep and maintain fulltime employment for 2 full years and 1 yr part time before being promoted to full time.  I often think back to not very long ago when my psychiatrist encouraged me to apply for SSDI.  I flat out refused. I knew that I could work and be productive. I also knew that working was healthy for me.  Most of the time.  There have been many times over the last several years where I have thought about giving up, applying for SSDI and accepting that as my fate.  Right now that will not be my fate.  There are so many people who want to work and are not able to do so. I may need a reminder about this in a few hours when I'm working a 12 hour day w/o a break.  When my body is sore from the physical nature of my job.  When my anxiety is in full blown "I can not do this anymore" and am ready to give up.

This post is a offspring of Thankfulness Project Monday.  I'm thankful I found her blog and for the sweet and tender advice that I've picked up from her posts.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

No agenda, time frame...Nothing pressing. Just...BE!!

"Friendship is when people know all about you but like you anyway. "
~ Unknown
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Saturday morning my children and I got up in the very early hours and started a 6 hour drive to visit this lovely family....the same family we met w/in Chicago 2 weeks ago.

Words can't even describe how very full my heart is at this moment.  This evening, as I drove back to our hotel room after I dropped this lovely momma off at her was so incredible hard to hold back the tears. 

As we laid on my hotel bed this evening we giggled till we cried, we giggled till we tooted, we giggled till we couldn't giggle any longer. 

I'm pretty certain my children thought their mother had lost her cookies.  I'm also pretty certain my children will request we take more road trips w/o their father.  You know...bc it is now nearly 1am and my youngest is still awake.  They jumped on the bed (something tha tmy dh would have a damn heart attack if he knew they did), they have just been able to  BE!!  I love my husband.  Trust me I do.  However, sometimes it is wonderful to just BE!!  And not be rushed in/out/over/under.

I can't even begin to imagine not having this sweet person in my life.  My heart is so incredible full.  And saddened at the thought of having to go back home tmw. 

I'm not going to want to leave.  Two weeks ago, it was easier to hug and say good-bye bc I was 99% sure that I would be making this trip in 2 short weeks later. (It was very long btw).

I have no clue when we will make it back here. 

There is power in being able to talk to others w/no holds bar.  I'm sure I would have said much more than I have with out having my children tagging along and listening.  However, there is power in numbers...power in knowing  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Friday, September 2, 2011