Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Black Hole

It is a long and tough uphill battle.
Climbing out of a black hole.
Nothing hurts worse than depression.
Depression is a lying bastard.  As a fellow blogger stated recently.
I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.  Actually, I do see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Just need to remind myself....there is a light. It is just turned off sometimes.
I am praying, that somehow...someone will come along and poke a hole in the darkness with a pin and let some light in. 
I know that at the end of the day (or the black hole) it will be me that has to poke that hole.
However, right now I don't even have the ability to find a pin, let alone use it to poke a hole in the darkness.
I have no mental, emotional or physical energy about half of the day.  Today....proved to be a very trying day.  Today...proved to be a day where anxiety medication would have at the very least taken the edge off. I've ate nothing and that is a true test of my anxiety is bad. I know this is somewhat normal given the circumstances around todays events.  However, in the past during stressful days like this having some sort of way to take the edge off....helped.
I feel as if I have nothing left to give to anyone.  Not my husband. Not my children. Not my parents. Not my job.  And definately, not myself. 
If I could will away this deep depression and hole that I've found myself in; I would in a heartbeat.
I've thought hard and often with making a deal with the devil to just feel somewhat whole and normal again.  To laugh, cry, sing, and more importantly to just care about life in general.
It is a long and tough uphill battle....I know. I'm climbing it and it sucks giant donkey balls.

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