Meds

I'm not a fan of medication.  Of any kind.  However, occasionally I break down and take them. And, this last bought of up and down and all around freeking depression, suicidal ideation and more than just thinking about it....its all been since starting/stopping/changing/stopping, ect ect with antidepressants.  Its been a majority of the last 9 months.  And the last 9 months have been hell.  And the last 4 months...omg and the last 2....and the last week....and...and...IT HAS
GOT TO FREEKING STOP!

And...
Since my psychiatrist refuses to try ANY other antidepressant ...but wants me on the one med Ive been on for several years once she believes it 'holds me over'.....

I have decided to stop EVERYTHING!  I am done with medication right now. She wanted me stopping the welbutrin and continue takings lamictal.  I'm  DONE!  I told her yesterday I wasnt going to take it.  She made some snide comment about not being able to make me take anything.  Wanting to know why and I told her why.  It obviously isn't freeking doing anything bc of it was I wouldn't be having the constant invasive thinking that I am.  She somewhat agreed.  I really don't give a shit if she agrees or not.

I'm pissed all over again as I think about the comment she made to me.  I don't know that I will blog about it or not....I guess until I'm in a better space I will not. 

I'm struggling tonight.  I have struggled most of this week and end of last week.  Tonight is no different.  Worse to be honest.  I want so badly to break out of this cycle, to enjoy my children, to enjoy a meal with my family,  finish decorating our home for the holidays.  I have done none of it.  My husband has. I have came home every evening this week and went to my bed.   Don't sleep.   It is a tough cycle to break.