Self Harm...

Self harm is disturbing. It is brutal.  Yet, often it is the way I feel.  It is a way to bring sensation into my the body and fill a void.  Self harm is something I've battled off and on for the last 10 years. It  probably is something I have battled for more than 10 years.  However, right now it is what I can remember.  It started out very minor.  I can honestly say I never thought of the things I did as self harm.  The important part for me to remember....much of what I've done (and do) is done on an unconscious level.  It is almost always in times of distress and overwhelm.  I often feel like my body is an empty cavern.  Inside that emptiness is a bucket of emotions that are void to my knowledge.  They are locked up and sealed with a ton of duct tape.  It is when I inflict injury upon myself I am able to feel a small portion of those emotions...in a painful, yet satisfying, sensation.

I don't self harm because I like it.  I don't believe anyone does.  I hate every aspect of it.  I don't like it for a moment. I struggle talking about it.  It is like a drug.  Drugs are addicting.  Self harm is addicting.  Instead of washing away all of my emotions and memory with the drug, I allow myself to for once feel something.  Being able to allow the void to fill, even when it is a small smidgen of some sort of emotion.

I'm aware that many parents freak and flip out when they find out their child has been hurting themselves.  I'm a parent.  I can't say that I wouldn't struggle in much of the same way as many parents.  Yet, because I understand some of what lies underneath the behaviors, I hope and pray that if I am presented with the same situation as many parents, I will be able to respond differently.  This isn't about teens. It isn't about my children.  It is about me.  A 40 something adult.  Struggling more with these behaviors and emotions than I ever have in my life.

Not understanding the reasons behind self harm leads people to jump to conclusions like suicide, manipulation, attention seeking, ect ect.  Those who don't understand what self harm is really about believe that those who act upon the urges to hurt themselves are martyers, selfish, seeking attention, and often believe there is a need for major psychological intervention.  

In some cases, the above might be true.  However, in many cases it is completely the opposite.  It is completely the opposite in my case.  What I need is someone who is willing to truly listen and understand.  I've never cut myself and even though I've never done it.... doesn't mean I don't understand it.  I've battled the urges to cut myself many times in recent months.  Often for me, those urges come by accident.  While I'm cutting something for dinner and accidentally slip and hurt myself.  The thought to follow through and cut myself again, on purpose...gets stronger and stronger.

I have recently participated in one or more of self harm behaviors.  I am not proud of myself.  In fact, I hate every aspect and myself.  I have struggled a lot with  not being able to use the tools I know I have.  Finding a safe, useful, method to release and find the sensation and emotions that I am seeking.
Think for a moment or two, that your body is numb.  You can not feel anything.  You have completely lost all feeling.  Then, paralysis starts to sink in.  You get frustrated because you don't know what to do.  You want the sensation back again.  You want to feel your body again.  What do you think you would do?  Take a moment and imagine you have finally found something that will help you get that sensation and emotion you are seeking...that would allow your body to feel again.  Would you act upon it?  Would you take it?

I've said this before and will again, most individuals who act on self harm urges do not do it for attention.  Ultimately, it is to finally feel something.  It is to release an overwhelming abundance of trapped emotions.

It is helpful for me when I have someone who is willing to listen without passing judgement.  This person has to understand and continue to love me through all of the hell that I put myself and them through.  I have a someone in my life who does not freak out.  If she could be with me I'm pretty certain she would sit with me.  She has sat next to me. She has laid next to me, as I've sobbed uncontrollable and the urges to follow through have been flooding every ounce of my body.
Instead of freaking out and feeling like I need to be hospitalized she has cried with me, she has asked what she can do to help me get through every single tough patch.

This is why I am writing this post.   I know there are those of you out thee who are reading this and know someone who struggles with much of the same self harm issues that I do.  I want  to give you some insight and reasoning behind this awful part of mental illness.  I also want to challenge you to do the very same for them that I have had done for me. I have given you the perspective from someone who has and does live with it every.single.day of her life.

I leave you with my hope that you can/will take it upon yourself to listen-truly listen-to whomever it is you may know.  I ask you to love this person no matter what.  Unconditionally... love them with all your heart.  I ask you do do your best not to judge.  It is hard. I know.  Lastly, I ask you to take it upon yourself to try and understand fully.  From their side, not yours.  This is critical if your friend, loved one, spouse, child, whomever it might be, for this person to learn to trust you.

There are extremes to self-harm in which psychiatric help is necessary, I am for not one moment saying there isn't.  However, not everyone needs immediate attention. I am just trying to feel again.  Feel and not be numb.  It is much easier to not be so numb and regain a little bit of the feeling that I'm seeking when those around you are not freaking out about the methods in which you help yourself feel.  Instead, helping them feel your love and understanding may be....all they need!

Dear Suicidal Thoughts...

Trigger Warning.
Talk of suicide and swearing.

~~~~

Dear Suicidal Thoughts...

I hate you. I hate everything you have taken from me. I really fucking hate you.

I hate how I have to spend so much time and energy keeping my guard up and making sure that I don't fall to your fucking grips again and again.

I hate how draining that it is.

I hate what you've taken from my family.

I hate that you make me believe these bad things will be better for my family in the end.

I fucking hate you.

I hate how evil you are.  You are an evil fucking bitch.

I hate how you scare me.

I hate that I'm always waiting for the next shoe to drop and you will creep back into my life.

I hate how you are always lingering around teasing me.

I hate how, even when I know I'm not OK, I feel guilty because I feel like I should be just fine. 

Dear Suicidal Thoughts...


I will continue to keep trying.... not to let you back into my life the way you have been in the past.

I may not be successful today, or last week, or last month.  But one day I will.

If, despite all that I am doing, you manage to come back, I will not let you take over my life as you have in the past.  I will kick you in the fucking balls as I am trying to today.  You might be winning today. But be reminded, you will not fucking win. You will not!

I will continue to try and keep myself safe and protect my body, mind and spirit from you.
You will never beat me.  Never.  I promise you one thing.  You will NEVER fucking win.


Dear Suicidal Thoughts...

You will NEVER kill me.  No matter how hard you try.  I still wish you would go to hell and leave me the hell alone.  

DBT, Self Sabotage, Fear, and Acceptance

This morning I received a phone call from the psychologist that facilitates the DBT group I previously attended.  I wasn't in a spot to talk to my therapist at the time the call came in and so I sent it straight to voicemail.

I know the DBT skills.  I was in the group for 9-10 months about a year and half ago.  I do use the tools I was taught.  However, there is a very strong part of me that is unable to use those tools from time to time. Okay, often I'm unable to use them.

As I drove home this afternoon from an appointment w/my orthopedic surgeon, the reality of I really do need to attend this group again.  Many feelings came up over the course of the next few hours.

This picture kind of illustrates some of those feelings. A small scared kitten...coming upon big bad puppies at the door in front of me.  Those puppies are nothing but lovable, endearing, and probably will be my best allies in due time. Just as healing can provide the same comfort.

Overwhelmed with fear.  Urges came to the surfaces.  Ones that I couldn't fight off.  I want to hide and run away at the same time.  I've wanted to do everything possible to not feel the true feelings about "What is really behind the emotions regarding this group..."  

I came home and took the DBT binder and put it in the trash.  Determined that I don't need this group.  I don't want to attend. I am overwhelmed with the thought of it.  And so, forget it. I'm not going there again.  Hell to the no.

This is where the self sabotage comes into play.  I have the opportunity to give this group a try again.  I have the opportunity to get the help that I need.  Not everyone is blessed with the ability to have unlimited mental health coverage like I do.  It comes at a high price (stress of my job) and I don't for a moment take it for granted.

What the hell am I so afraid of?  Why throw the damn book in the garbage?  WHY?  I took it out of the garbage.  Put it back in the drawer where I took out of and walked away.  The urges were more than I could fight off, again. I gave in.  Again.  For as long as there was hot water, I hide ran away from the intense feelings of where this was all coming from.  The fear became tears.  I could feel (or taste) the tears as I stood  in the hot shower.  I could feel those feelings.  And at that moment....I knew what the hell I'm so incredible afraid of.  What was driving the fear.  The self sabotage.  The self harm.

Holy Hannah it has taken me forever to write this far....to admit it...what I'm afraid of..I'm stuck.  Stuck in being honest with myself.

I think I'm afraid of finding out who the real ME is.  I'm afraid I will find out that I have the ability to beat this.  I'm afraid I will find out that I have the ability to live the best life I can and it is a life worth living.  I'm afraid of finally having to feel the real emotions,  and figuring out at the end of the day, who "ME" is.  Oh my hell that is freaking terrifying...being afraid of yourself is scary as hell.

Typing that..,,took me over an hour.  In between puking and typing...I got it out there.

I've done DBT before.  I know what the work is.  I know it isn't easy.  Nothing in life worth fighting for is easy.  I fear that a second go around won't work.  And if that is the case I don't know what will.  I know that I need to find acceptance with where I am at the moment.  That taking things one step at a time is the only way out.

Yet it is so f*cking terrifying.  I am acutely aware of who one of the psychologist working with this group is.  She is understanding, compassionate, and she knows how incredible difficult dealing with this shit is.  I know she only expects each participant to do the best she can do and be honest with herself (and them).  It is all anyone can ask and it has to be enough.

My options right now are limited.
Self sabotage is not an option.
I know that I need to find healing.

I know that finding acceptance in all of this will come.  In due time.  My options for this evening and the days ahead are to breathe and accept the challenges that lay ahead of me and accepting this group is something that would be in my best interest (along with whatever type of treatment that is needed).

Not sure where I heard this quote....it fits perfectly with today's theme.

"Sometimes the most courageous act is showing love and kindness towards yourself..."

I need to remember this. I want to remember this. At the very moment I can't remember it.

Fighting the Darkness

These days.  They are dark.  Daylight savings has kicked my ass.  So much swirling.  I saw my psychiatrist this evening.  It was a much over-do appointment.  Some scheduling snaffu's almost made it so the appointment didn't happen.

It was a huge struggle to put it all out there.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  There wasn't much good.  There was some really ugly.  As I talked to her and told her some of the really ugly that has transpired over the last 8 weeks since I saw her last...I was overcome with a huge sense of broken-ness!  This is one thought that I've tried very hard to overcome, not believe, and not fall into that trap.  For the most part I'm able to keep it at bay.  I don't often see myself as broken.  However, this evening as I sat in Dr. K's office that is the one thing that seemed to resonate.

It was incredible tough being 110% honest with her.  Making her hear me for where I am at.  Not just that I'm in the ever revolving realm of suicidal ideation. A spot she is very used to seeing me in.  But more of getting across to her the depths of where I've been.  We discussed why I've not called to get in sooner, why I didn't agree to see someone else while she was out of the country, and some other things.  There are some things I can't seem to really bring myself to blog about.  It isn't that there is anything to hide.


Being completely honest and real with Dr. K was one of the toughest things I've done in a long time.  I don't always have full faith/trust in her that she won't decide that this time I won't need to be hospitalized.  I'm not okay.  I know that.  It is taking every ounce of my energy to get up every single day.  I can't even begin to express how incredible tough it is.

Yet, I do it.  I can't tell you why. I'm not even sure that I know why.  This evening has been rough.  After leaving Dr. K's office today I had a bit of optimism.  There was a very small flicker of hope that maybe a re-try with her readily availble should things go ary would be helpful.  I spoke with my BFF on my way home and felt confident that this was a good plan that we came up with.  And then somewhere in the 30 miles between her office and my home....it all went down the toilet.

I've been in this space before.  I've danced this horrible choppy slow dance before.  I know how incredible shit filled it is.  It's getting old.  I wish it was as easy as choosing to be more positive, make different choices, change this or that.  Lord knows, I've done it. I'm doing it. This is where this fight becomes to much some days.  

Obstacle

Trauma sucks.  It has reared its ugly head in my life right now (and in the past) in a way that is much more than I can handle at moments.

Insomnia sucks on a good day.  When it is related to trauma...it sucks even more.  It is in the wee hours of the morning and I"m sitting at my kitchen table.  Once asleep night terrors wake me up or they don't and my husband ends up waking me up.  Wondering "why are you breathing like that?" and many other things as he attempts to wake me, make sense of it for himself, and get me to talk to him.  There is no talking about anything. I give up and get out of bed.

The last week has thrown some things smack dab in my face.  It may appear that I've completely fallen apart.  This isn't really true.  I've come unglued.  Fraid and tattered a bit.  But I'm holding on little by little.

I've managed to stay away from self harm/destruct behaviors over the last month or so.  It hasn't been easy.  It is a slippery slope. And one that I've come close to falling down many times. Each time I've picked myself up, choosen to not engage myself in the battle and continued to move fwd and face the pain and ugliness at that moment.  J* mentioned today she wanted to hear me "own it...and mean it".  I will OWN IT...I KNOW I've done it.

At times that obstacle of staying on top of the slope is to much.  Nothing is accomplished.  Nothing is gained.  Everything is lost.  All of the internal dialog work to find a safe space and not engage in self harm.........it was gone in a split second tonight.  All to numb/drown out the pain.