The Good, The Bad, The Ugly...Meds SUCK

**DISCLAIMER:  This post is a representation of MY thoughts, opinions, and experiences.  DO NOT stop taking your medications just because...I or anyone else say they SUCK or anything else that I may/may not say about them in this post...There. I. Said. It.**

I've not really blogged much about the medication change that transpired little over a month ago.  I was hopeful on many levels.  At the end of the 2nd week, I was seeing some positive changes.  Still a tad reluctant of the positive effects...BUT very thankful there were some definite positives.  There were negatives in the realm of side effects.  That is something I'm very accustomed to at this point.  I've seen my current psychiatrist going on 13 years this next spring.  She knows me inside and out.  I've blogged before about our love/hate relationship.  I love her dearly.  I hate the effects medications have had on my body.  I've taken just about every.single.thing out there.  After my gastric bypass, my ability to tolerate medications became much less.  As in MUCH MUCH MUCH less.  And so the battle continues and as I've said over the last several years....got much worse.

THE GOOD:
Medications are prescribed by doctors to assist symptoms, to target abnormal medical findings, assist and prevent illnesses.  These symptoms range in anything from pain, insomnia, hallucinations, coughing, chest pain, cramping, and many more ailments.  The goal of medications is ultimately to relieve symptoms.  At the end of the day, the goal of medications is to get rid of ailments/symptoms and prevent something worse from happening.  In many cases the goal is both....prevent and get rid of.  At any rate, the goal is to normalize ones quality of life/living.

Medications work.  Sometimes.  In some people.  They have the ability to make bad things go away and allow people to live happier, healthier, and more productive lives.

THE BAD:
The bad thing with medications is they have side effects.  Take trazodone for an example.  It is used as antidepressant, but it makes people sleepy.  SO it is used in a sub-therapeutic (for depression) to help with insomnia.  This particular example can be a good side effect.  Most side effects, though, are bad.  They are uncomfortable the person.  They are often the reason patients stop taking their medications.  Side effects are usually uncomfortable.  Rarely are they fatal.  Usually they are reversible.  Most often these effects go away once the medication is stopped.

The interesting thing about side effects is that few of them happen to everyone that takes them.  Take the side effects of SSRI's for example, a ton of people will experience sexual side effects, not everyone will.  Tremors, sexual side effects, weight gain, and sleepiness are often common side effects of SSRI's and other medications used for psychiatric disorders.

I've struggled with nearly every single psychiatric medication that I've been prescribed since my gastric bypass in 2004.  As a patient who struggles with severe depression, a condition that is impeding my life, it is often worth taking the risk of any given side effect.  Usually, I find myself somewhat hopeful the effects may not happen.

THE UGLY:  (and it can be ugly)
Side effects are unpleasant, at best.  Many have rare and really ugly effects.  The rare and ugly effects are actually not side effects..they are considered ADVERSE REACTIONS.  They can be awful, fatal, and in rare cases irreversible.  Tardive Dyskinesia is an adverse reaction, one that takes time to develop.  One that was a listed as a VERY rare side effect of a medication I took about a year ago.  The usual response to the UGLY is to stop the medication ASAP.

Increased depression, self injury, suicidal ideation in my opinion falls under the ugly category.  This medication is prescribed to relieve these very symptoms and then it increases it.  Occasionally, these reactions/effects can lesson after a few days.  In some cases, they continue to get worse and worse.  Until there is no choice to stop the medication immediately.

THE MEDS SUCK:
I'm currently in the VERY UGLY portion of taking a new(er) medication.  The last paragraph describes what life has been in the last few weeks.  Each and every day increasingly getting worse.  The last few days have been hell.  I've been here before.  I've experienced this before.  I spoke with Jodi last night about the effects.  My pdoc is not in the office at the time.  Seeing someone else is not really an option.  And I've been this route enough times to know that I need to stop the medication immediately before I end up in the hospital.  Jodi and I discussed taking it every other day.  The suicidal ideation wasn't as horrific, was manageable, and not constant prior to reaching the full dose. I'm unable to cut the medication in half, therefore, taking it every other day was the option that seemed like the best action to take.  Giving that a try was something that I was willing to give a try.  After today, I don't believe I will be taking it again. At least not until I can see my doctor in a few weeks.

Get Back Up...Damnit.

1:  Learn the warning signs for suicide

2:  Join the Movement

3: Spread the word

4:  Support a Friend

5: Reach Out


So many things race race in and out of my thoughts.  As I sit here trying hard to fall back asleep..I decide to give up and turn on my computer.  Awake again at the wee hours of the night.  As I turn on my computer, log into bookface (f.acebook)..my family on the west coast has several different messages about what this day is and the painful reminders it brings.

I see the link to a news article and read it.  Again.  Proud and heartbroken all at once. As my cousins pick up the pieces on the anniversary of their father taking his life....it is is gentle reminder to me to keep on getting up.  Over and over. As hard as it is. Regardless of the war that rages on in my head.  I have no choice.  But...to continue to Get Back Up every damn day!

I will not leave that legacy for my children.  As hard as it is to fight the battle on some days.  As hard as it is to keep on moving. I will not do it.

And so for today....and tomorrow...and next week....I will get back up every damn day.  Regardless of how hard it might be.  And for the days that I can't get up....accepting that it's okay to stay in bed.

This is not the life that I envisioned living.  I never in a million years would have imagined that this battle would be one that I would continue to fight over and over.

I came home w/new medication samples and a prescription for antidepressant yesterday after a visit w/my pdoc.  She was a  bit different in her approach with me.  As I left and contemplated the things she said it stung.  She wasn't being harsh. Genuine and loving....and adamant that I'm not living my best life.  And that is her ultimate goal.  Yet, she is unsure which direction to go.  So once again, I try a new medication.  Over the last 2 ys antidepressants and I've not been friends and they've increased the S.I a ton.  Leary of giving it a try is an understatement.  I have nothing to loose by trying it. I have everything to loose by not.

Silence the Mind

Silence the Mind....holy buckets is this ever true!!  My sgtruggles today are just that....the mind.  The constant chatter.  The constant negative whirlwind of activity. 

I could somewhat feel this coming on.  I hoped and prayed that this time would be different.  Oh my head did I ever.  Actually, I think I have wrote this before.  I know I've told J* this before. 

Last night as I sat in my dark living room; no tv, radio, noise of any kind.  No computer.  Nothing.  Just sitting in my husbands recliner....in complete silence and dark.  Trying hard to silence the whirlwind of thoughts. 

Earlier in evening before my night went from crap to shit in .02 seconds, I limit (more than I already have been) the blogs that I read.  I've had 2 separate blog posts today that just increased my 'you suck(ed) mindset'.  I try very hard to read w/an open mind, heart, and take little to no offense.  After reading the 2nd post...I have decided to scale way back for a few days.  Somehow, I need to find some balance and not add insult to injury.

Well $h!T

In the last 24 hours I've said...

Well Shit....on more than one occasion.  I am somewhat proud of myself.  Only one of those times was it something more obscure; including more swear words.

I decided to make lemonaide out of lemons today.  Inviting the Work Comp Nurse C.Manager to join me 'in the room' while at my orthopedic consult today.  I have nothing to hide.  I NEED and WANT there to be no issues with this.  I know from experience that when a nurse is assigned to your case....it is the first step to having it denied.  It is just a matter of time.  I made it very clear that I WANT to get back to work.  Sure the break was nice.  Reality is....I work for a reason. I need the income.  Plain, cut, simple and DRY!!!

I'm hurting this evening....a TON!!  It's all I can do not to cry.  No amount of Tylenol, ice, heat or anything is helping.  Two cortisone injections...one in each shoulder.  blech.  I have a consult for decompression surgery at the end of April.

Adding insult to injury...my blood pressure was high this morning.  I thought maybe it was because of being nervous and upset with having another person that I did not know accompany me to the orth consult.  This evening I had it rechecked when I went to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription.  It was still high. Not as high as earlier...but high enough.  And my exact thoughts were...Well...SHIT.  I've known for a few days it was creeping up there.  I generally have a rather low blood pressure.  Around 110/70 is usually the highest it goes.  This morning it was much higher.  MUCH MUCH higher.  I've got an idea.  It's more than nerves and pain.  And well...SHIT!!  I don't tell my mom much.  However, when I told her my BP was high the very first thing she said "the new med you are on can have a tendency to do that, you know?"  No...I didn't know.  Honestly, I want to just scream.  The jittery crap still happening.  Continued and got even more pronounced this morning when the dose was doubled.  Well...SHIT!  As I mentioned few posts ago, there are other things going on that need to be addressed.  I don't have it in me. I want this medication to work and will have to be in a really  REALLY bad space before I give up.  Fortunately, I've not struggled with daily suicidal thoughts for a few weeks.  (Other than right after my appt w/the new doctor...those first few days were clearly situational....)  However, I'm slowly able to tell that they are creeping back in.  Always starting at night. 

Thank heaven my sons high fever is done.  Last night we had about an hour of my lil guy screaming he was in pain, high fever (103.6 and then 104.1 about 20 minutes after the 103.6 was taken).  After it came done he seemed to do better.  Fell asleep in our bed.  He's maintained a 100.1-102.6 temp most of today.  He felt well enough to go to W.algreens with me and get a treat and medication. 

I'm in limbo.  In need of seeing my therapist. I don't want to call my pdoc bc she isn't a therapist when it comes down to it.  And as 'well versed' as one would think that I am with the clinic that I go to....seeing someone new is rather anxiety inducing.  I'm not sure what to do.  Struggling to keep my head above water.

I have a massage tomorrow afternoon.  My chiropractor has been asking me to consider seeing her again.  Hoping I can get some sort of relief...or a TON of relief.

Day 5 Efexior

Jittery crap still happening.  Severity not as bad.  Enough that I'm hesitant to up the dose on 2 days.
It takes a few weeks I know to see a difference.  I also know from experience generally around Day 4-6 on an antidepressant....I begin to start feeling REALLY GOOD and don't need sleep, want to clean everything, ready to be on the go none stop, sexual interest is beyond the norm, cook non stop and I'm not interested in eating.
Day 5 has brought on all of the above.  It's a tough balance.  I'm fearful of "the fall" that I'm used to happening.   Praying or stays away and this medication will be the one that changes things for the better.

The PDoc is In

After waiting several months to get into a new psychiatrist for a 2nd opinion (or possible have him follow my care....even though, deep down I didn't really want that) I was rather discouraged.  Depressed would be an understatement.  HUGE understatement to be honest.  Sometimes, that smack in the face is what you need.  In this case what I needed.  The get up and go to keep on fighting, keep on keeping on...was gone.  I made a follow up appt with my primary psychiatrist K* yesterday.  I've mentioned several times on this blog that we have a love/hate relationship.  I agree w/my PCP that sometimes you need a fresh look.  By going to see this new guy last week, this is exactly what I got. 

Yesterday my appt with K* was chuck full of information.  Much of the suggestions from the dr. I saw last week are not options.  Will never be options.  I will not have surgery and I will not do the other rather extreme things he suggested.  I'm not opposed to it.  However, at this time...in my heart I believe there is SOMETHING that is missing and SOMETHING else that could be helpful. I also left that appt feeling like she feels the same thing.

I left overwhelmed.  Heck, I became overwhelmed while talking to her.  I made sure to let her know that I was overwhelmed with several of the things she was throwing out there. 

For the first time in the 12 year history I have with K* she saw in writing in front of her; the list of medical dx that I have/had at some point.  Sitting in front of her on the first page of the report.  She skimmed the report.  Telling me different things, explaining what they were.  And giving me her ever so humble opinion.  Sometimes, I don't like her ever so humble and honest opinions. She was adamant about me seeing an endocrinologist. 

At the end of the appt. I left with 2 new prescriptions.  One I would start right away.  The other I would attempt to get my insurance to pay with the assumptions they would not and then we could start the prior auth process.  Much to our surprise it was partially covered.  I could attempt to get my insurance to lower the tier for lower coverage.  However, I am pretty sure it would be for naught.

So right now, I will start a Effixor (sp).  In hopes that there are no negative side effects such as increased suicidal ideation.  Trust me...when I say that I'm very very hesitant to take this based on my recent experiences with any antidepressants over the last year.  As in extremely HESITANT!! And I became even more hesitant when I found out that the cost was rather high.  My insurance doesn't pay for it at the 2 smaller co pays.  Unfortunately for me.  Whatever.  If it will help I can/will take it.  My history w/antidepressants isn't good....crossing more than my fingers!!

In a month or so I will start a prescription for Deplin. Basically it is a medical food/dietary supplement that contains methylfolate (aka: folate).  This was something that came to K*'s mind after she saw the different medical dx that were listed on the 2nd opinion report.

I contacted my PCP's office.  Have a referral to see someone in endocrinology in May.  And we shall see....what will happen from there.

K* and I discussed EMDR, also.  She was not very supportive of it.  She gave me her reasoning for it.  I'm not very sure I agree with her.  I will write more about that at a later time.  My son just came home from school and is being very loud.....I need to quiet him down real quick or it will be a long 6 hours before bedtime.

Intense Anger

I am still trying to process the psych appt I had this morning.
Very angry.
At myself. 
At the world.
There are no other words to describe what I'm thinking.

Low of Lows for B12

Don't believe my B12 has ever reached the low that I'm at right now.  With it brings frustration, anger, and so many range of emotions.
Weekly injections seems to be the correct answer.  However, my insurance company believes that is not the answer.  I was able to double up but that can only happen every so many weeks.
Another side of gastric bypass that is not 'talked about in depth prior to surgery.  Today is my Friday.  Thank heaven!!

A Little Reminder

because...I need it today in a really bad way.

**warning:  raw and choppy**

Find myself thinking from time to time:

This will be the day. 

The day that the sun will shine brighter.

The day that my shoulders feel lighter. 

The day that Debbie Downer will go the hell home and stay the frick away from here.

From time-to-time I read different sayings that are positive and uplifting.  Basically stating if you think positive things...you will feel positive and feel better.  Screw that!  I'm here to tell you that even though I've not been positive all that often...I've tried it.  I've sat and read uplifting things for hours upon hours over the last several weeks.   I guess I'm not faithful enough or positively positive enough to have it work its magic or some damn thing on me.



I am especially tired today.  Not physically so much.  I was in bed by 12:30am (after I took the new medication for the first time and then spend several minutes puking and trying not to freek the hell out bc my tongue was tingling and numb.) And got up out of bed at 12:30pm.  I did not sleep that entire time.  I woke up around 9:30am and dozed off and on until I got up and showered.

My kids are home from school today.  My husband left with them shortly after 9:30am.  I thought he wanted to meet for lunch.  Which is why I got up and showered. I called him at 12:45 to see where they were and he responded with 'at the food court eating lunch'.  A few short 'oh I thought we were going to meet for lunch comments from me' and I hung up.  In tears.  One puddle of tears that hasn't stopped.

I miss my kids something fierce.  I've worked pms for 3 straight weeks and looks like I will be working another week of pms next week. Which is okay.  Yet, I miss my kids.  When I am home I feel so disconnected from them and what they are doing.

My son will be baptised next weekend.  And even this event and the planning around it....I've not been a part of. Not one bit of it.  I want to.  I've been informed of the date and time by my husband.  I've only mentioned it to a few people...as in 2.  I mentioned it to my mom a few days ago when she was here.  Knowing she would not be interested in coming (she's very anti-LDS) and not be supportive.  She will be to my son but then will makes snide hurtful comments to me later on. 

I have said over and over and over and over again....I get up again and again....because of my kids.  And yet....I'm not there for them.  So why continue getting up?  Why continue fighting this ugly efn fight?

SPEAK - National Suicide Prevention Week

Somehow several months ago I came across Random Ramblings of SAHM. I really can't even describe to you what this beautiful women has done for me in the last several months.

A few weeks after I started reading Lori's blog posts the love of her life...took his own life...right before her very own eyes.  Shocked beyond what one could ever imagine...she turned to her blog and began writing.  Her blog took a different twist and theme than it had prior. 

Often I have a very hard time reading Lori's post.  They are raw and honest.  She speaks nothing but the truth.  And the truth is powerful.  Yesterdays post just so happens to be one of those tough posts that are hard to read.  You can find it HERE.

It has been no secret while I've blogged here that I struggle with suicidal ideation regularly.  There are very few people...as in only 2-3 who know the circumstances that led to suicidal thoughts. It is something that even after being hospitalized for I was still ashamed.  My husband, mother, family....none of them know.  They would not get it and honestly...I DO NOT GET IT!! 

It is a daily battle.  Somedays easier than others.  Often there are weeks that it is merely just a speck of my thoughts.  And there are times when it is much worse.  This year has been on records a rather tough one. 

Today is NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION AWARENESS DAY.

Break the silence.
Speak.

Depression and Illness

~~Don't really go hand in hand.

That's all I got to say about that.  And to add to that...I'm pretty sure that just like antibiotics screw w/birth control (oh' how I'm glad I don't have to worry about that)...I'm pretty sure that it screws with antidepressants.

Just sayin'...

Before

There was a point before I was diagnosed with depression that I never ever thought about my thoughts or mind.  Then again, who does?  What somewhat normal person thinks about what they think?  Goes into a semi panic attack that his/her thoughts were not appropriate, they are going to lead to an anxiety attack, or in some cases (mine specifically) suicidal ideations become a rather every day part of life?  Really, I never imagined before that this would be an issue. 

A combination of meds and therapy have brought me to where I am today.  I do not really believe the meds do much.  I've improved a great deal in the last several years.  However, I don't believe it has anything to do with the meds.  I do believe it has much to do with an awesome therapist who has my back.  Who believes in me.  Who isn't just there to listen.

Often, life has continued on around me, while I am walking in my own little world. Trying desperately to hold on to that before that I have in my head.  It is something that my therapist has on several occasions wanted to know about.  Who were you before this all came about?

I really don't know...anymore.

I've lost that person I was B.E.F.O.R.E.

I want her back.