It's Scary...It's Wrong...I'm so Freeking Not Alone

Speechless....I can't even begin to tell you where my day has been.  The whirlwind of emotions.
The nearly 90 minute massage where I laid there fighting back tears.
Holding ice in my hands (as discussed in this video) in an attempt to not harm myself...bc that is just where I was at...at that moment. 

And then listening to this video............and post "Depression Lies"  by The Bloggess



.................it is a reminder that I am not alone.  YOU are not ALONE damnit!

F*ck this shit is scary.  And it is wrong.  So f*cking wrong.  As I stood at the fridge today w/my head resting on the freezer door.  My children outside playing.  My husband off in his own world doing heaven only knows what.  I stood there...and I had enough.  FB message came thru on my phone from my BFF:  'Tell me you are okay.  I'm terribly worried'.  At that moment.  At that very moment I was not okay.  I was never so close to harming myself than I've been in a long time.  There was no rational thinking on my part.  Depression had taken over.  The events of marital stress has/had taken its toll. Returning to work in a different department and being "on" as someone described to me today - taking it's toll.  Effexior kicking my mother effing ass as it has every damn day for the last month plus that I've been on it....and I was done.  DONE.  And there was only one way out. 

One of my children walked in the door.  My reminder of why I GET UP every day was right there in front of me.  He took off back out the door after he got the No-Bake Coconut/PB cookie he wanted that we had made last night.

And once again I rest my head on the freezer door.  One million thoughts racing.  Back and forth.  "Use the tools...what tools do you have....fuck the tools....pick up that phone that you just turned off and turn it back on....fuck the phone I'm not calling anyone..." over and over this mantra played out.  I reached in the freezer to get some ice for the pitcher of ice tea I had made.  I dropped the ice bucket on the floor.  As I bent over to pick up the bucket of ice I recalled something that one of the psychologists in the dbt group I attended said.  "Hold onto ICE....in both fists....You will NOT be able to keep the very same concentration of harming yourself.  It will give you the same release that cutting, banging your head, or whatever self harm behaviors you do..."

And she was right.

Well $h!T

In the last 24 hours I've said...

Well Shit....on more than one occasion.  I am somewhat proud of myself.  Only one of those times was it something more obscure; including more swear words.

I decided to make lemonaide out of lemons today.  Inviting the Work Comp Nurse C.Manager to join me 'in the room' while at my orthopedic consult today.  I have nothing to hide.  I NEED and WANT there to be no issues with this.  I know from experience that when a nurse is assigned to your case....it is the first step to having it denied.  It is just a matter of time.  I made it very clear that I WANT to get back to work.  Sure the break was nice.  Reality is....I work for a reason. I need the income.  Plain, cut, simple and DRY!!!

I'm hurting this evening....a TON!!  It's all I can do not to cry.  No amount of Tylenol, ice, heat or anything is helping.  Two cortisone injections...one in each shoulder.  blech.  I have a consult for decompression surgery at the end of April.

Adding insult to injury...my blood pressure was high this morning.  I thought maybe it was because of being nervous and upset with having another person that I did not know accompany me to the orth consult.  This evening I had it rechecked when I went to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription.  It was still high. Not as high as earlier...but high enough.  And my exact thoughts were...Well...SHIT.  I've known for a few days it was creeping up there.  I generally have a rather low blood pressure.  Around 110/70 is usually the highest it goes.  This morning it was much higher.  MUCH MUCH higher.  I've got an idea.  It's more than nerves and pain.  And well...SHIT!!  I don't tell my mom much.  However, when I told her my BP was high the very first thing she said "the new med you are on can have a tendency to do that, you know?"  No...I didn't know.  Honestly, I want to just scream.  The jittery crap still happening.  Continued and got even more pronounced this morning when the dose was doubled.  Well...SHIT!  As I mentioned few posts ago, there are other things going on that need to be addressed.  I don't have it in me. I want this medication to work and will have to be in a really  REALLY bad space before I give up.  Fortunately, I've not struggled with daily suicidal thoughts for a few weeks.  (Other than right after my appt w/the new doctor...those first few days were clearly situational....)  However, I'm slowly able to tell that they are creeping back in.  Always starting at night. 

Thank heaven my sons high fever is done.  Last night we had about an hour of my lil guy screaming he was in pain, high fever (103.6 and then 104.1 about 20 minutes after the 103.6 was taken).  After it came done he seemed to do better.  Fell asleep in our bed.  He's maintained a 100.1-102.6 temp most of today.  He felt well enough to go to W.algreens with me and get a treat and medication. 

I'm in limbo.  In need of seeing my therapist. I don't want to call my pdoc bc she isn't a therapist when it comes down to it.  And as 'well versed' as one would think that I am with the clinic that I go to....seeing someone new is rather anxiety inducing.  I'm not sure what to do.  Struggling to keep my head above water.

I have a massage tomorrow afternoon.  My chiropractor has been asking me to consider seeing her again.  Hoping I can get some sort of relief...or a TON of relief.

Swearing

Swearing tends to be a cause for disagreement, frustration, arguement, all around pissed-off-ness among myself and my husband.

I don't swear.
My dh rarely swears.

The thing that frustrates me about my husband and my swearing is this:  He chooses the wrong freeking time to tell me to stop. 

The more depressed I am.  The more I swear.
The more suicidal I am.  The more every other word out of my mouth starts with F and ends with a K (or G).

Honestly, it happens even when I'm not depressed or suicidal. 

Telling me not to swear when it is all I can do to not drive my car into the median, walk out in front of a bus, or just plain don't want to live any longer is like adding salt to an already horrific wound. 

Conversation usually goes something like this:

Me:  F*cking idiot get out of the damn intersection.
DH: Watch what you say.
Me: You telling me to watch what I say?
DH:  Yes.  Just because some idiot doesn't know how to drive doesn't mean you have to call them an Effing Idiot (not he doesn't say the F word).
Me: Well they are.
DH: You still can choose other words.
Me: You telling me not to say F*
DH:  Yes.
Me:  Well F*ck you.
DH:  Stop! That's not called for.
Me:  F*ck you and the horse you rode in on. You don't like it get out of the car.
DH:  Really, you need to have this arguement w/me?
Me:  F*ck off. You should know after 18 yrs one of the worst things you can do it to tell me not to swear.  You know I will tell you to F*ck yourself in the process.  So shut the hell up or get out of the car.

And then...we sit in dead silence.
Not addressing the issue.
Not addressing it later when I'm in a better space to discuss it.
Not doing anything but pretending it didn't happen.

But it did.  And I know it is a source of contention.  And I know it pisses him off.  Just like I know that the damn baseball hanging in my f*cking garage....it pisses him off when I park my car 'a lil to far to the left....'.  So...I do it on purpose.  It's one of those things where if you harp at me.....long enough.....and annoy me....I'm just gonna do it to piss you off.

Now the swearing thing...I try hard to not swear.  Honestly, you might not believe me.  However, I do.  I really do.

And this week while I was working.  Even though, it was all I could do NOT to just walk and/or drive right out into oncoming traffic....Dear Lord....I can't even begin tell you how obsessive and intrusive and constant those thoughts were.....I STILL TRIED very hard not to swear.  In my head....I was f* everything.  On my blog post a few days ago.....I warned the very few readers I have (and tons of spammers...dear lord if you don't stop sending me spam comments I'm gonna really say f*ck in a reply and f*ck'n take ur heads off).  However, I did not saw much other than "Oh' Dear Lord" or call someone an idiot (not to their face) outloud.

That would be....until today!!

OH MY F*CKING HELL!!  Today wasn't really a bad day at work.  Today was a rather bad day at work.  Traffic is bad.  People are stupid.  I have a no-bull-shit tolerance on most days. 

By 9am...I had swore a tad to much. I thought to myself;  "you need to stop. take a deep breathe".  Heck, I even took several really deep breathes and had a customer make a comment about it.  I replied with "You see all the idiots out there...this deep breathing is keeping me from taking every single one of their freeking heads off....and trying to curb the need to call every single one of them an 'effing idiot'. "  She laughed hysterically.

Then....not even 5 minutes later I hear....."Thud....Thud....Thud" and I look back.  And I see and hear more "thud thud thud"  and I say under my breathe "aww f*ck".  I secure the coach.  I get out of my seat.  And I'm pissed.  REALLY pissed.  And the drunk SOB who went 'thud thud thud' starts throwing out the F* bomb at me.  Oh hell no.  I'm not gonna go there. 

And then....I said a lil' saying my dear friend S* says.  I didn't' even catch it.  Several of my passengers did and I hear a roaring chuckle.  I'm not chuckling. 

I say it again...."Sir you're gonna piss my shit off if you don't shut up, get up and get off the bus".
and I say it again....at least 3-4 times.

I get back in my seat.  I hear one lady say "Uh, I like that piss my shit off"  I think "good like it...shut up".  I'm still pissed.

About 5 minutes later I think....."awww.....my friend S*....she was with me today as I lost my cool on drunk man #1".

I had several more drunks.  One who triggered some more deep breathing and "he's just a passenger.  he will get off. don't look at him. you are safe' montra over and over and over.

I hope and pray....it is a while before I have a day full of drunks again!!! 

Meds

I'm not a fan of medication.  Of any kind.  However, occasionally I break down and take them. And, this last bought of up and down and all around freeking depression, suicidal ideation and more than just thinking about it....its all been since starting/stopping/changing/stopping, ect ect with antidepressants.  Its been a majority of the last 9 months.  And the last 9 months have been hell.  And the last 4 months...omg and the last 2....and the last week....and...and...IT HAS
GOT TO FREEKING STOP!

And...
Since my psychiatrist refuses to try ANY other antidepressant ...but wants me on the one med Ive been on for several years once she believes it 'holds me over'.....

I have decided to stop EVERYTHING!  I am done with medication right now. She wanted me stopping the welbutrin and continue takings lamictal.  I'm  DONE!  I told her yesterday I wasnt going to take it.  She made some snide comment about not being able to make me take anything.  Wanting to know why and I told her why.  It obviously isn't freeking doing anything bc of it was I wouldn't be having the constant invasive thinking that I am.  She somewhat agreed.  I really don't give a shit if she agrees or not.

I'm pissed all over again as I think about the comment she made to me.  I don't know that I will blog about it or not....I guess until I'm in a better space I will not. 

I'm struggling tonight.  I have struggled most of this week and end of last week.  Tonight is no different.  Worse to be honest.  I want so badly to break out of this cycle, to enjoy my children, to enjoy a meal with my family,  finish decorating our home for the holidays.  I have done none of it.  My husband has. I have came home every evening this week and went to my bed.   Don't sleep.   It is a tough cycle to break. 

~Somedays~

Updated to add: I had someone close to me who read this post and called to check in.  When I wrote this out I was in a bit of a tizzy between kids demanding my attention, husband demanding I go out to eat w/him and the kids and I just wanted to sit in my robe and lay on the couch w/my son, and....I did go to work for my AM shift.  It was my afternoon shift that I missed.


The only expecation I need can give myself is the permission to just be. 

And in the process.....
It  is not very pretty.
It includes me not leaving my room.
It includes me working only to come home so completely spent that I can't give anything to my family.
It includes me not working.

I knew I was not ready to go back to work. I knew that I was barely hanging on by a thread and that thread was pretty damn thin.  Even though I was doing better...I wasn't doing better.

I know my husband really wanted and felt that I needed to go back to work.
I know that financially we need me to work.
I know that my therapist feels that it is more productive and healthy for me to work.
I know that my psychiatrist agrees with my therapist. 
I knew that I was not reaady to return to work.

And here I am.....having worked 5 full days...and working a 1/2 shift yesterday bc my anxiety was so incredible bad.  And then today....anxiety and depression mixed together has made for one hell of a mess.  And in the process I will end up getting reprimanded at work bc I had myself in such a f*cking tizzy that I didn't call in sick w/in the time frame. I actually, ATTEMPTED to go to work...only didn't get there.  Then when I called they told me to come anyway...and well I couldn't so I ended up calling in sick after getting charged w/a late-out.  FUCKING SUCKS!!  I've never gotten a late-out and I'm stressing in a way that isn't even cool.  And all I can think about today is thinking about ending this battle. 


And sooo.....SOMEDAYS...when things are bad this is what I end up doing to 'tune' out the rest of the world...

It sometimes includes me editing photographs.
It sometimes includes me listening to Y.outube videos.  The same one...over and over and over....such as this one:



and dying my hair...REALLY REALLY RED!!

Thursday Evening Musings

I had 3 doctor appts today.  My plate was full.  I didn't make it to all 3 appts.  I ended up having a 4rth appt added to the mix (for my son). I woke up refreshed, renewed, and ready to take on the world...or for a few moments anyway.

My pelvis was in bad shape.  Last night I started having problems walking after using my eliptical. I've had this problem before after I was rear-ended several years ago. So it worked out good I had a chiropractor appt this morning.  He believes it was the answer to some of the hip and low back pain I've experienced over the last few weeks.  Specially during and after my massage last Friday.  World of difference after being adjusted - after a few tears - I'm feeling much better. 

After I left there I went and seen my psychiatrist.  The appt went okay. I can't say I was happy. I can't say I am unhappy.  We have a 10-11 year history together.  I often find myself in a love/hate relationship with her.  And today wasn't so much about love.  I respect her and love her dearly.  However, I don't have to like what she has/had to say. I don't have to like the attitude that transpired.  I left her office fighting back tears.  Tears of frustration and anger.

I spoke to my husband on my way to my employer.  One of the issues I had w/my pdoc appt was I have to have paperwork turned into to my employer in order to work the following day.  The timeline was already met.  I also needed to get paperwork turned in by another time deadline in order to get a "weekly pick" for next week and not be forced to be oncall every single day.  I can't rotate/be oncall everyday at this point.  I met the deadline by less than 10 minutes.  I did end up getting a weekly pick, barely. 

Because, I had gotten so upset at the end of my appt and worked myself into a tizzy I called my PCP's office and cancelled my appt.  The last thing I needed was to go to that appt and have her make some stupid comment or suggestion that the malabsorption issues are in my head, depression related, and I'm just plain making shit up.  Because at that point, I could have very well ended up in the hospital or jail....so I decided come home and just be! I spoke to my dear friend S* and laid down and rested for a lil bit before picking my son up from school.

My son and I went to an impromptu derm appt.  I am hopeful that the course of treatment will be effective and we will not be faced at doing a biopsy and labwork.  She mentioned several times during the appt if the 8 week course of antibiotics doesn't clear this up OR it comes back after going away while on the antibiotics he will be facing testing for an auto immune disorder.  We are praying for an easy fix at this point with antibiotics.

In 2 weeks I will begin a 3 month set schedule for my work hours.  I'm very optimistic and hopeful I will be able to find some relief and stabalization.  Contrary to the vibe I got from my psychiatrist this morning....I am taking care of myself. I am doing what I need to do...as much as I can....and taking care of myself.  I know that my therapist doesn't feel that me not working has been helpful.  I love her dearly.  And today I can honestly say....we can agree to disagree.  I know I am doing better.  I know it isn't even just a little bit better.  I also know that being home hasn't made things worse nor will they make it worse with me being home.  The only manner that it makes things worse with me staying home is the financial aspect.  Even though I have disability insurance it isn't 100%.  Regardless, my work week starts on Sunday.  Next week is a short week. I can hope and pray the following week I can get a weekly pick (set schedule).

In the meantime I have full plans on....taking care of ME the next 3 days.  I need to do some deep cleaning to do in the morning.  Things that should have been done the last 2-3 weeks while I've been home.  However, they didn't get done.  Saturday we are having a farewell party for one of the Elders (missionaries) who will be going home from his mission next week.  *insert...my anxiety is rather high at the thought of having a a large amount of church members in my home since my huband and children are the only  members who attend church on a regular basis.*

Struggling to remind myself to just breathe! 

Yesterday wasn't such a good day.  My husband had a few doctor appts.  I got up and rode with him. Spent a few hours in the car.  The alternative would be that I stayed home.  And staying home would have meant it would have been a very large struggle to get myself to stay up and out of bed.  So I went with him.

We went to lunch at the mall and headed to J.CP for a Christmas gift that my son showed my husband last night he loved.  We had a $10 off coupon.  The gift we bought ended up costing $3.17 and I couldn't be happier about that.  Need to love the coupons that flood your mailbox this time of year.  Many go in the garbage.

There are many positives that happened today and I am trying very hard to focus on just that...and breathe!! 

I'm struggling to keep the hopeless thoughts and thinking at bay. I don't understand it. I don't get it.  It sucks!

~~~~

I've never been a med seeker. I hate medication.  I also don't take it willingly.  I don't agree with my pdocs choice to leave things at bay.  I understand her stance. I understand where she is coming from.  It doesn't mean I have to agree with it.  Somehow, her thoughts of continue with the Fearless Living Group and individual thearpy is what is needed right now.  I don't. 

~~~~

I woke up yesterday morning with a clear head.  Excited it was a new week.  And ready to return to work.  Tonight, the thought of returning to work is incredible horrifying.  Not because I dont' want to work. I want to work. I miss my coworkers. I really do miss the good customers.  Of course, I don't miss the politics and such that comes along with my job.  However, that will always be there.  I get that. I am worried that if I return on Friday and in a week when I see my pdoc she does agree and/or decide to try some sort of medication...I will be back to square one.  And financially....we cant' afford for me to go back to work only to end up for me to be off again and have to start that waiting period all over.  So...there needs to be big clarifications this week.

~~~~

BTW: Insomnia SUX!!  Thus why this post is being wrote at 4:30-5am.

Medication, Work and Sleep...

I love this song by Laura Story.

I've posted this link here before.  Today, yesterday, this last week....I've often thought about the lyrics to this song.  As the tears have flowed freely for so many different reasons.

I'm certain that one of the reasons I've struggled lately is the sleepless nights have taken their toll.  And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that lack of sleep = lack of coping = lack of coping = struggles.

It is a very fine line I walk when it comes to medication.  I have an appt with my shrink this week.  I have a rather love hate relationship w/her.  She's awesome. She really is. She knows me and that is soooo dang important.  However, sometimes that works against me.  She knows the struggles I have with medication.  I also have issues with what type of medications can I use that will not cause negative effects and interfer with my job.  That is a big issues.  Often medication that will help you sleep needs to be taken shortly before you go to bed.  When a person gets up early to go to work such as I do 4 out of 5 days per work week (my alarm is set for 4am or earlier every day....and I dno't wear make up, curl my hair or do anything but take a wake-up shower) it is suggested that the medication be taken earlier in the evening.  IE: with your dinner or around 5-6pm.  That again, becomes an issue.  Rarely ever am I A: home or B: off work by that time.  Which means I can not take a sleeping agent.  Often I get off work and have less than 12 hours before I have to return to work.  I often do not find out what I have to work the following day until 4-5pm the day before.  Because I work on-call my schedule is rarely ever the same.  Prime example of not knowing 'what/when' I work.  I know that I have to work from 6:20a-10am in the morning.  I will not find out until 8:30am what I have to work for the remainder of tmw.  I have an idea.  But I don't know for sure.  It is likely I will have to return around 1-3pm and will have to work until no later than 8pm tmw.  I have requested off from 4:30pm to EOS (end of service) tmw bc I have the d.bt group that I'm attending. 

Taking medication to sleep is virtually impossible with my job.

I need to take something to help me sleep tonight.  I've slept very little the last 10 days.  Seriously, less than 3 hours at any given time.  I did take something last night.  However, I've had this horrendous headache AND lack of sleep is just one of many reasons why I have this headache...yet it prevents me from getting good sleep. 

Praying that I will be able to get a decent amount of sleep - sound sleep!  No waking up. 

Some Days.....

All you can really do is...

And for today...this is what I'm doing.  One breath at a time.  One step at a time.  The TV was not turned on until my son came home from school.  There was no radio.  There was very little sensory input into my brain.

I woke up in the wee hours of the night after having a rather disturbing nightmare.  One that often creeps its way into life and distrubs my sleep.  Last night was not such a good night for such thing to happen.  I woke up with a headache to go along with the panic that seemed to over-ride a good nights sleep.

My alarm was set for 4:10am.  My 2nd alarm was set for 4:15am.  Snooze was hit for both alarms.  I had fallen backk to sleep less than an hour prior.  It was do freeking early.  My head hurt. My neck hurt. My shoulders hurt. My face was on fire.  There was no way I could safely do my job today.  I fought the fight.  Fought the fact that I really can't be calling sick.  I fought w/my own thoughts and negative self talk as I laid in bed staring at the clock.  I've been rather proud of myself....it has been almost 2 full weeks and I've used no FMLA and not called in sick once.  Whoa...come Sunday morning I would have made had 8 full hours of sick time as the new pay period started.  This has not happened since the beginning of summer.  I fought that battle thinking I could just go in for my first part of my shift.  Then I sat up, still fighting the negative thoughts that I should stay home/should go to work.  Walked into the bathroom (which is 20 feet from my bed thankfully) and puked my guts out.  I sat on the bathroom floor puking, sobbing, mad at myself, mad at the world, cursing at everything and everyone.....and holding my head bc it hurt so damn much.  I managed to get back to my bed, speed dial #9 is dispatch....I need speed dial at 4am in the morning bc I could barely make out the 9.  "This is _ calling in for today. No I will not be back for my 2nd piece of work. Yes. Yes. Self. I will be back tmw." click.  I then closed my eyes and it was 7:45 am.  My dh hands on my face.  "You have a fever....do u want to pick up _ or pick up _ and take _ to the dentist and shopping for Sunday outfits".  No, I have a migraine...I need to call Dr. _ office and see about getting in. Maybe if he adjusts my neck I will be better.  Maybe if I just don't move or think or takl to anyone all effing day...I will feel better.  He left to take one of our kids to school. I laid still.  Texted a friend.  Send a FB chat to another friend.  And closed my eyes.  I was not moving.  Shortly after dh came home and brought me breakfast.  Seriously...I laid flat on my back and did not move and ate 2 sandwhiches.  Pig. I know. 

I got into see Dr. M for my neck.  I felt so much better immediately.  The release was amazing.  Another friend text me and told me she was 'late' for work (which she really wasnt but its a stupid system) and she was off for the day unexpected.  I was just leaving the vet w/our new puppy.  (Vet and my Dr. were 5 min. apart).  We were close to her house and so we met for lunch. 

I came home and again spent 2 hrs laying flat in my bed. Not moving. Wishing and praying and hoping that this massive headache of mine would LEAVE.  Be gone. 

I can't tell if it is stress, fear, anxiety, phsyical, or what induced. 

I'm laying on the couch w/my son.  He is watching old cartoons.  I need to lay on the couch. In my room I find myself swirling downward and the guilt, shame, grief, denial, the you're not good enough, you eff'd up...and all that negative crap that feeds into suicdal thinking gets fed into. 

So for now...I'm laying on the couch.  With my new quilt that was made by one of my Soul Sisters mother for a fundraising auction, puppy on one side of me and son on the other.

Saturday is a new day.
I'm hoping that Saturday will be the day I snap out of this current spiral.

Little Bit of This-That...Self-Therapy Post (LONG)

I'm in need of a little therapy right now.
It is late on Sunday evening.
I don't feel like bothering anyone, my therapist office is closed (and quite honestly she/they are the very last people I want to speak to anyway), and so as one child is off in the family room watching heaven only knows what, my dh is reading 'back to school information for the new school our children will be attending' and another child sits next to me playing a hunting game on his hand held game....along with tv blaring some idiotic show. 
I'm depressed.  If you hadn't figured that out already by a few of the previous posts.

Sleep deprivation often leads anxiety and then leads to depression for me.  This week sleep and I have not been very good friends.  I've cursed more in the wee hours of the am than I have in a long time.  I've shed more tears in the early morning hours than I have in a long time.

I'm tired.  I want to take a week off work.  I want to stay in bed the entire time.  I want to take a very hot bubble bath and cry the entire time.   I sit on my computer and do nothing productive as a way to zone out. 

I need to eat healthier. I need to eat more fruits and veggies. I need to cut out sugars completely out of my life. I need to drink less diet soda.  I need to drink more water.  I need to take my vitamins. I need to give myself a B12 shot.  I need to do so much more on the self care spectrum.  I don't want to. I dont' want to do one damn thing of anything.  Just a few of the things I know I NEED to be doing....but don't WANT to.

I had hoped that the treatments I received earlier in the summer would be more helpful in this department.  Reality is I know it doesn't fix or even help the root of what is going on. 

I really needed to nip this in the bud earlier in the week before it got out of control.  I'm beyond knowing what I should do.

I may just have to give out an award to anyone who gets to the end of this choppy and rambling post. 

I'm burned out.  I'm tired. I'm sick of my job.  I hate my job.  I'm sure those reading this will say I should be thankful I have a job.  I am thankful I have a job.  That doesn't mean I can't hate my job.  I love what I do for a living.  I really do.  I've actually been doing this type of work on various levels for 11 years.  However, the intensity in this particular job can be overwhelming.  The people suck.  They are idiotic.  They are un-greatful.  They are full of entitlement.  They drive me to want to drink myself to sleep.  Only I've never had a drink in my life.  I need a vacation.  I only had a 'lil' vacation this year in March.  For 4 days.  It was wonderful.  But it wasn't a true blue vacation.  I've not been able to go on a vacation or take an extended amount of time off work because I've been sick.  I've used nearly 3 weeks of vacation and more unpaid time off since March...and most all was because I have been sick.  It is no wonder I'm burned out.

It is hard to put on a happy face and continue on working.  Reality is all I want to do is cry.  The really sad part is I have no real reason to cry.  I think I am putting on a happy face.  Specially when I am working.  When I was working on Friday afternoon something happened and I had to have a face-to-face with one of my supervisors.  I thought I was appearing to be happy and in an okay mood...  Yesterday after I got off work and was reporting in before I left for the day he mentioned that I looked like I was having a bad day on Friday.  Really?  Are you serious? Because...I REALLY thought I had put on that poker face.  Screw it.  Why try when I'm obviously not doing a very good job.

The positive part of my day yesterday was hearing the sweet and tender voice of one of my soul sisters.  What a blessing it was.  Little 20-30 min. conversation about this/that but enough to know that I'm not alone.

Wasn't Meant to Be

I worked late last night and had to be back early this am.  Going on less than 5 hours of sleep, I decided to push the envelope a bit and accept an overtime shift this evening. I'm scheduled to work (albiet I'm oncall) for tmw.

Anything after 7-8 pm this evening would be OT and then everything I would be offered tmw would be OT.
It is no secret in my place of employment that, I am not a big overtime person.  I don't want to be forced to work over 40 hrs per week.  It is pretty well known that I will turn down ALL work that is over my initial 13.5 spread bc reality is.....I value my sanity and working long hours isn't always the best for my mental health.  Specially, if I am super tired.  Lack of sleep = increase of anxiety/depression = not a good match.

I sat at work on-call for 6 hours today.  About 30 minutes before I was going to be released to come home and piece of work came in that I could turn down.  I did the math and figured out that I could easily make some easy money and work till 11pm tonight.  So I accepted it...kind of.

Shortly after I accepted the piece of work, while on my way out of the building...down I went.  A$$ over teacup!!  Let's just say....I'm a tad bruised.  And experience tells me that "tmw" always proves to be worse than the first day. 

As I spoke w/my mother she reminded me "_ it wasn't meant to be for you to work that shift.  SOMETHING could/would happen other than you falling....you were not supposed to work that shift".

Sure wish I didn't have to fall in order to learn that lesson!

Start.Stop.Start.Stop

rinse, lather, repeat.

I've started several times in the last week blog posts.

Each time...I've started.  And then stopped.  For whatever reason.

Not much blog worthy.  Only reason I'm blogging tonight is for my "own" ability to look back.  Check in.  See the difference or lack there of.

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While listening to a commercial from local news station tonight I 'glanced' and saw someone I knew.  I nearly fell off the couch.  My dh nearly had a kiniption fit as I told him over and over "back that up...stop...OMG....that is _____"  He wasn't impressed.  Nor was I.  But he was less impressed on how "this person triggered a really bad response" in me. 

I've not been able to shake it.  I needed to see the segment to know if it truly was this person.  I wish I could say it wasn't bothersome to me.  I had an instant headache come on.  I literally threw up several times and was unable to read what the article was on.  Which btw: I REALLY am very supportive of. 

I've not mentioned much on here about a rather difficult time in my life where I was hospitalized.  This person played a very large role in it.  She triangulated between my dh and I.  She claimed to be a very good friend.  Claimed that I was her best friend.  And yet, she betrayed me in a way that was rather traumatic.  She triangulated between my BFF and I.  It wasn't until she dropped her child off at my BFF's house and was clearly high on drugs that my BFF cut the cord w/her. And so did I.  There was something else that happened shortly there after that again sent me for a really bad tailspin. 

Needless to say......this was a rather shock seeing her in the news and what the segment was on and having her family be a part of it.  PUKE!

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Friday will be my first big day back to work since the accident a week ago.  I did work a long day last Friday. However, most of that was oncall.  And so was Sunday.  I've got nearly a 12 hr day tmw.  And I"m not looking fwd to it.  Who would. 

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I went back to the massage therapist I've seen a few different times.  Actually today was the 3 or 4rth time I've seen her.  It is very interesting to have such a different type of massage.   This person really follows her intuition and goes w/that flow.  Her light touch was very much appreciated today.  However, sometimes I think deep tissue/touch is just as good.  I've got some thoughts on the differences and how it relates to triggers, anxiety, past traumas, ect ect.  Sometime when I'm able to gather those thoughts and put them all in one place that makes sense...I will post it. 

Tired

It is no secret that when I get over tired...I also get over sensative and especially depressed.  Given the current state health issues I'm dealing with it is no small wonder that I am able to get out of bed every day.  Add in being depressed and such and well....it.is.really.hard.  Then add in that most days my job requires that I report around 4:30-5:00 AM.  Somedays I'm working right away.  Sometimes I'm on call.  (Given the nature that this blog is still rather private...I will attempt to keep my actual profession undisclosed).  I'm guess that it won't be hard to figure out what I do for a living. However, I will not be outwardly announcing what I do.

Today, was a very long day.  This week...ended up being rather long.  Because of the holiday things were a bit different.  However, my hours sucked giant donkey balls...3 VERY long days.  Today my day started with my first report at 5:00am.  No work came available w/in my first few hours and I was released to go for 90 min. and had to come back and sit on call.  When work came to me (becuase it was 90 degrees on a pay day friday and many people called in sick) I was less than impressed.  It was close to a time when I was going to be released to go home for the day/weekend. 

I wasn't mentally prepared to go actually go out and work.  Sitting on call was fine with me.  The people I came into contact with were annoying as hell.  I wanted to bash my head against the wall.  On more than one occasion I had rather negative thoughts and let some of the things slip.  oooppppsss!!!

And when I get really tired, as I did this afternoon, the random and impulsive thoughts of no longer wanting to fight this battle, no longer wanting to continue on w/the fight....and in cases like today it truly is a 'fight for my life..."   

I called to be released from my work shift early.  I was told that there was not another person immediately available would I be able to hold out for a little bit longer.  Since, I wasn't sick so to say...to the geneeral population...I said sure.  I said I would call them back in 30 min. if I for sure needed to be released.  The more I thought about it I decided that I couldn't afford to take the time off.

And so began....

VERY deep breathing.  Inhale in....exhale out.  IN/OUT....over and over. 

Telling myself..."you can do anything for 1 hour. In 1 hr you will be at this point in your schedule...."  And then when that hour came/went....rinse and repeat. Over and Over....for 4 more hours.  It was tough.  Intense thoughts of being completely power-LESS to this bs that over takes my thinking and life at times. 

I hope and pray the intensity and frequency of the suicidal ideation that overtook my thinking today were clearly a result of being over-tired.  I hope and pray!!  Because, I know my body can't keep up w/the pace that this was at today.  One of the worst in a rather long time.  Actually, maybe not.....maybe it was just because I was working and so there was much more thinking time than usually.

Tonight, I am safe. In a room all by myself.  No husband.  My daughter is outside my room w/few of hter friends being silly. 

Paralyzed

I'm guessing that many people who are depressed suffer from anxiety.  And vise versa.  My anxiety doesn't control my life.  However, it does add to the depth of my depression. 

I worry about everything.
I worry about my employer finding out about my signficant anxiety and depression and loosing my job.
I worry my kids will grow up to resent me and inherit this awful disease.
I worry my husband will have had enough of my sudden outbursts that make no sense at all and leave me.
I worry daily that my boss will fire me.
I worry about screwing up and hurting someone at work.

This worry often causes me to sit almost paralyzed.  Unable to move forward.  Stuck in this position of fear and worry.

I worry someone is going to break into our house at night and hurt my family.  I often jumpt at every little noise, even from a sound sleep.
I worry about confrontation.  I avoid it at all costs.
I worry about going to the doctor because if there is something wrong with me it'll be because I am stupid for not taking care of myself, exercising more and eating healthy...which is all of my own doing.
I worry about being completely honest wiht my therapist.
I worry about being completely honest with my pyschiatrist.

I’m worry no one will understand a word I am saying. This is what goes through my mind on a daily basis.
I am ashamed and embarrassed of all these fears, it makes me feel like a loser. I feel very safe when I am alone but depressed because I am alone. I think a lot of this could fall under social anxiety disorder and yet sometimes I'm the most functional when I'm around others.  Heaven forbid, my job consists of being around people.  Lots and lots of people.  So much so that they sometimes touch me.  Yet, I sitting in the waiting room of a full doctors office will increase my agitation/anxiety 100%.  There is no where else to go in my drs office.  Thankfully, I am able to walk out into the hall when I'm at my therapist/pdocs office.  Regardless, these are the things that paralyze me often. 

Today, yesterday, last week.....

Sufficating

That is the first thought I had when I woke up yesterday morning and this morning.  It has been a rather long stint of this up and down roller coaster ride I've been on for the last few weeks (months).

Initially was thought that maybe the holiday was a part of the downward spiral that I was starting.  I don't believe that is really so.

The moment I woke up yesterday and climbed my tired rear end into the shower at a mere 3:30am I knew I was in for a long day. I knew I was screwed as the sufficating darkness was sitting on my chest. I thought maybe a very hot shower would be helpful.  No such luck.  I worked my semi-short (-4 hr) shift.  Fighting back tears for no real apparent reason.  Because the sky was blue.  That is just me, like many other days recently, trying hard to not burst into tears while I'm working.  Because, seriously it doesn't bode very well when your morning commute consists to of your bus driver crying. 

After coming home I even tried to run the dispair and darkness away by spending 30 minutes on my eliptical.  Which only made me more upset as I continued on my jourey to get this to pass.  After all was said and done all the darkness was still there.  Still eating away at my soul.

After my first appt I met my friend and husband for lunch and then on to a massage.  My usually talk-a-tive massage therapist had to have sensed that I was not very interested in talking.

From there I had a therapy appointment with my therapist.  One of her questions for me upon hearing that I cancelled my appt with my Natural Path Doctor was "how come you are here?  why did you show up for this appointment?"

More on that....next.