I have been wanting to blog for sometime. It isn't like I don't have the time. I just don't have the words. I have many blog posts stored in my head. The moment I sit down to write them the words...they disappear like bandit in the night.
If I were to blog this post "right here and now" as I am writing..it may come out as a rant and rave. I am likely to regret later anything that I publish now. It is my intent, to be candid and honest. However, I will go back and clean up extensive foul language....which usually comes out the most when I am angry.
I know it is important to express being angry. I AM ANGRY. This is a feeling that everyone of us have inside....anger. Many of us avoid anger at all costs. We are raised to 'contain' our anger. It is a very scary and uncomfortable feeling to have so much anger. There is not one thing about it that I enjoy or like. Often in my life, anger was not displayed appropriately. It has only been in the recent months/year that I(we) have been able to learn how anger can be felt and expressed appropriately and in a healthy manner.
Trauma survivors...we have plenty of things to be angry about. I know that. I get it. I know that in no way am I overreacting. Yet, other things I am angry about, alone by themselves, would not warrant the strong feelings of anger that I have. However, they tend to pile up on top of everything else with everything that makes me angry.....add more fuel to the fire. The fire gets larger and larger the more anger is contained in an unhealthy manner (aka: keeping my mouth shut and containing it)
I am trying very hard to control myself, on the outside, things on the inside feel completely out of control. I want to lash out at someone and yet I know that won't help anything. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and yet I have no words when I try to. I have this burning in the pit of my stomach and it feels like at anytime I can regurgitate 40 years worth of anger at the next person that says "hi" or looks at me odd.
I am so afraid of saying something I will regret, I often can not express the anger I have to the one person who is safe and has all but said "bring it on...". I can't blog about these things without making sure what I write is 'appropriate'. I am stuck only writing about the experience of feeling anger.
I know that it is important to release this anger and to be able to express it in a healthy manner. It is important that I do so appropriately and in a way that will help me and not hurt me.