Going Up? Maybe.

I gave up trying to figure out the ups and downs of depression.  As I'm sure many have said before me...depression and mental illness is much like a roller coaster.  When you are up....your are up.  When you are down...you are down.   Everything in between is messy and sometimes more than one can bare.

I've got my butt securely fastened in the seat. I'm not going anywhere.  Hard to remember that it is a temporary ride, when it has hung around so long.  I'm hanging on tight.  As the gradual incline up has started to appear above the horizon.

With having surgery and having been in such a deep slump many things around my house have been let go.  Sure my husband does most of the cleaning and organizing.  However, there are things that have just plain been let go for way to long.

Slowly beginning to think about changing the look in my house.  Money is very tight.  We are unable to purchase anything at this point.  Keeping my thoughts and actions in line with moving up and forward will help me in my physical recovery.  In the end...that will help me getting back to work full-time.  And then it will only be a matter of time before we are able to add the little luxuries such as chalkboard paint to one of our kitchen walls.  And expanding my daughters closet.  Little things.  Moving forward. Moving up.

One thing and one day at a time.  For today I focused on baking and cooking.  Several different Pinterest recipes were made and tried today....some great and some not so great.  For this week I'm focused on making it to work and physical therapy.  Lessening the amount of pain medication each day.  Today, I've had nothing.  No Nsaids. No Tylenol. No narcotics.  None.  Doesn't mean I'm not in a ton of pain.  Just means...I was able to deal with the pain without giving in.  Without the anxiety around...when can I take the next dose.  Regardless of it being narcotics or nsaids.  I will continue to take one of the narcotics at bedtime in hopes that it will give me added help with sleeping.  This is still a huge issue.  And I need my sleep.  We all need our sleep.

Going Up?  Maybe!



I have not always felt like I am broken.  I have felt from time-to-time that I've been broken to the point that I didn't deserve love from anyone, especially from my Father in Heaven.  

Then I heard this song.  Actually, it was introduced to me a long time ago.  The message has changed my mind.  It is my prayer this evening that I"m able to take the message within this song and continue going up.

And as J* would say....find ease with in this battle.

Beauty

For today...
Skies are deep blue.
The wind is fierce and there is a briskness in the air.
I will attempt to....
Let Go...
And Let God.
I am heart sick regarding a few things my children are dealing with.  I will continue to fight amd find out what is wrong with my son medically.  I will try to approach the things with my daughter gently.
That's all I can do for today.

Therapy

Sometimes the best therapy a soul needs is spending time with one of your best friends.  Even if it entails dragging your 4 children along, sans husbands and the 5th child.
No expectations from either one of us.
Just being able to be.
Laugh at each others quirkiness.
Being able to tell each others childen to shut up with no fear the friend will be offended.  ((I so need to work on patience and not say shut up 6594 times))
Having your 2 littles play with no bickering...quietly and be appropriate.
Laugh (or puke) till you want to pass out.
Having your friend take your son so you can go to a fancy dinner with your husband for his conference he was attending.
It is moments like these that I hope to hold onto. To remember during the dark and dreary times.  That others get 'me' and likewise.
~~~~~
To Annon whom I know reads both my blog and my friends...we are onto where you are from.  Our children are happy, attached, and doing well. Despite your know it all attitude...
So help me God if you feel the need to tell either one of us we should have never had children or adopted again...I will pay for the upgraded ISP tracking service and not only know with in a mile of where you are but your actual address!!  I have no patience for bullshit like yours.  It is people like you who give mental illness of all kinds a bad name! 

Update: Obviously, someone was a tad paranoid.  Still didn't hide your info.  Just told me that you attempted to hide your info.

Goal for Today

The above quote is my focus for the day.  We are expecting a large amount of company later this afternoon.  I will need to focus on the present moment all day because this will be a bit stressful for me.

My son grew fond of one of the Missionaries over the last few months.  This young man has served his Heavenly Father and the members of our region for the last 2 years.  This week his family will welcome him back home as his Mission will be complete.

The day after my son was baptized the Elder's (Missionary's) stopped by our house for a few moments to play with my son.  We tried to set up a date for dinner before Elder B left to go back home.  And somehow I felt the need to offer having a "Farewell" gathering at our house for the ward.

Last night I made a cake.  This morning I will make Velveta No-Bean Chili Dip and Corn Dog Muffins. 

And....

Remember to stay in the Present!!

SPEAK - National Suicide Prevention Week

Somehow several months ago I came across Random Ramblings of SAHM. I really can't even describe to you what this beautiful women has done for me in the last several months.

A few weeks after I started reading Lori's blog posts the love of her life...took his own life...right before her very own eyes.  Shocked beyond what one could ever imagine...she turned to her blog and began writing.  Her blog took a different twist and theme than it had prior. 

Often I have a very hard time reading Lori's post.  They are raw and honest.  She speaks nothing but the truth.  And the truth is powerful.  Yesterdays post just so happens to be one of those tough posts that are hard to read.  You can find it HERE.

It has been no secret while I've blogged here that I struggle with suicidal ideation regularly.  There are very few people...as in only 2-3 who know the circumstances that led to suicidal thoughts. It is something that even after being hospitalized for I was still ashamed.  My husband, mother, family....none of them know.  They would not get it and honestly...I DO NOT GET IT!! 

It is a daily battle.  Somedays easier than others.  Often there are weeks that it is merely just a speck of my thoughts.  And there are times when it is much worse.  This year has been on records a rather tough one. 

Today is NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION AWARENESS DAY.

Break the silence.
Speak.

This is.....

How I have been rolling.....

Sitting with my feet up!  Tonight my feet are up on a cooler.  Diet pepsi in one hand....dorito in another.  The pic is not flattering. I realize.  It is what it is.

It is...how I'm rolling.

Three steps fwd....four steps backwards.

The treatments ive been getting weekly seem to be helping.  SLOWLY. 

Work is work.  Ive moved up a tad in seniority.  I heard briefly from a friend of a friend my co-worker/friend involved in the tragic accident is doing a little better.

As a whole I seem to be having more better days.  The intensity is so much less.  However, on those bad moments and days...there are some pretty intense moments.

Well...as part of how I'm rolling these days....with my feet up and sitting around .....i need to put the back up!