Wednesday, November 30, 2011
My son has had a significant rash/eczema/infection stuff going on since July. It is ont he back of his leg just under his butt.
The current antibiotic is to be a maintence medication for 2 months.
He's been on it 2 weeks. Just like the last 3 rounds of medication after he ends them (or in this case after day 10) which is the same in both cases. The rash gets better, goes away...and then comes back w/a vengence. And I mean...VENGENCE!!
When I took him to the dermatologist 2 weeks ago she suggested the maintance medication OR a biopsy. I opted to do the 'least invasive' and try medication first.
It's not working.
My husband does not work. Not by choice. I'm sure he would love to work. However, because of an injury and medical issues he is a stay at home dad. His job is to tend to our children and their needs. I know it is hard work. My children are healthy for the most part. They don't require many dr. appts. When my husband needs to be seen he makes an appt. He doesn't wait till its horrible or bad. This rash issue....he's been very lax about making and taking the boy to the dr. I've done most of it.
It is about to get ugly.
The rash is already ugly. I'm talking 'marriage' ugly. As in this momma is gonna come unglued in a rather unhealthy manner. I made it very clear last night to my dh that HE WILL get this boy an appt and I don't give a rats ass when it is. He said "Well I have a therapy appt tmw and I will just cancel that if I have to". That didn't go over so well. I got ugly....I made it very clear that I am PISSED that I have to take off work to take this kid to the dr. when he coudl CLEARLY have called on MONDAY and made him an appt. He has SEVERAL days a week where he could DO IT and he has choosen not to. I then googled "Auto Immune Disorders" and pictures which look just like what our son has. I let him know that "this is" what Dr. E said we could be dealing with if this round of antibiotics didn't work. I made it very clear that HE makes appts for himself. And that I would be taking him to the dr. tmw. I"m tired of this kid suffering. He is in pain and damn it.
It was ugly. I'm already depressed. I'm already tired. I am an ugly person to deal with right now.
So help me God if he does not call the clinic first thing in the morning and make that kid an appt I'm gonna take that baseball that is hanging in my garage that I threatened him (dh) with last week and shove it down his throat.
I said it was gonna get ugly. Momma is pissed.
Momma is set off...triggered...whatever the heck u wanna call it.
I had a parent who often 'poo-poo'd my health issues. Who would put things off till I was extremely ill and ended up being hospitalized. This happened not once, not twice...but three times between the ages of 12-16. I also had a parent who told me that I was over reacting most every single time. I know that my dh hasn't said that to my son. But I see that my dh ignoring this issue as a way of dismissing it and basically saying it isn't a big deal. DH often (as in currently) does the same thing to me. He recently told me when HE asked me questions about the suicidal thoughts/ideation that I was struggling with that "well that is just plain retarded". And this my friends is why I rarely ever mention to him that I'm struggling. I don't believe in the it's a man thing bc it is plain, cut, simple and dry...uncalled for.
Pray for my son...that my husband makes the call first thing in the morning to get him in to be seen. I will be working split shift and can't call until 8:30-9 and then not again until 11am.
How it was the start of a glorious and wonderful time in my life. One that I thank my Father in Heaven for daily for trusting and allowing me to be a part of.
In the days/weeks to come I will try to blog about The Before. How I got from The Before to Now. I have wrote many posts, scheduled them to post while giving myself time to ponder if I wanted to post it.
There were several contributing factors to what led up to the now. And the anniversary that is marked today isn't the sole contributing factors. Trauma as a child and young adult both contributed to those factors. As well as a family history that goes back as far as my Aunts/Mom can track of depression in female memebers. And the severity seems to skip a generation (this is a 'newer thought amoung one of my aunts and I...one that isn't proven to be correct...however; I'm certain we are on to something)...I just happen to be that generation. It is important for me to not loose sight of those facts.
And as I am able, ready, and willing.....I will try and write it out....here.
Refreshing Facebook, Google Reader, and Yahoo Groups over and over is not considered productive.
Get off your ass and clean something...or better yet go edit the pictures you took last week(end).
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
You are not thin.
You are not in shape.
You have not used that f*cking thing in a long time.
Your elipitical is going to kill you--if you don't start using it in moderation.
Hear that? IN MODERATION
Monday, November 28, 2011
....depression gets the best of me.
....life gets the best of me.
....work gets the best of me.
~~Sometimes during those moments~~~
....I contemplate what life would be like if I was single. (done in the last 5 days)
....I contemplate what life would be like if I never had any children. (done in the last 5 days)
....I contemplate what you would look like if you were standing at my door in your underwear. (done in the last 5 days)
....I contemplate what you would say if I told you that I had a crush on you. (done in the last 5 days)
....I twist 24 gauge wire into little birds nest with beads to make a "robins nest". (done in the last 5 days).
....I edit photographs over and over. (done in the last 5 days and need to do MANY MORE but don't feel like it)
....I contemplate what life would be like if I lived in Florida, Las Vegas or California. (done in the last 5 days)
....I contemplate what life would be like if we would have never adopted our older son. (done in the last 5 days every single day several times during the day and all night long)
....I DO ANYTHING in my power to get out of my head.
Today would be one of those days. My living room looks different. My carpets are cleaned. As in...vaccumed, spot cleaned w/foam spray and scrub brush, and shampooed. Most all of my Christmas decorations are out on the wall shelf that separates the living room and dinning room. All of the sheets and comforters in our house are freshly washed. My fridge was cleaned. Hardwood floors scrubbed and mopped. Today was supposed to be my 5th day off in a row. I was called yesterday to work a school route this morning. It was an 1:51 minute shift. I get paid a minimum of 2:15 for any 'extra' work. And because it was on my day off it is guaranteed overtime pay. I was home by 8:45am and left for group at 3:30pm. I also, looked into how to return my my Dansko boots that I bought from onlineshoes.com and I found a NEW pair of shoes to replace the boots I am returning. And because I had a coupon to go towards my purchase I ordered my son a of Keen everyday hiking boots.
I took an hour and half nap. ALL between 9am-3:30pm.
I am sure more will be cleaned or done tonight bc I'm not going to be sleeping anytime soon.
Group set off a trigger for me tonight that I didn't expect or seen coming. Not sure what else to clean in my house. I have photos to edit. I need to go to bed....an hour ago actually. I have to work at 5:30am. I have a therapy appt mid morning that I really don't care to attend. And I don't get off work until almost 7pm.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Interesting thought I need to get out there in writing. I want to be able t clear back read, see the date, and go from there.
When this last round of deep depression came barging in I also started with some significant shoulder, neck and back issues. Some was related to the meds I was on. Some (most) my job. I saw my chiropractor nearly daily the first two weeks I was home. The last 2 weeks not so much. Just a few times.
Little less than 2 weeks ago I was at my work for our quarterly pick for our work hours. I went up and down the stairs several times. Instantly, my right hip and pelvis became locked. Walking became painful. Sleeping that night was horrid. The following morning I saw my chiropractor. My pelvis was rotated /tilted significantly. He spent 25-30 minutes attempting to get it to adjust back and deep tissue massage.
Earlier in the week I climbed on my elliptical for the first time in several weeks...couple of months. Ten minutes and my right side was locking up. Saw my Dr the next day same thing.
Friday I spent several hours gong up and down our stairs doing laundry, going down stairs for many things. And same rung happened. I had an appt yesterdsycw/my Dr and he commented again how tilted and rotated it was.
Today I have felt physically great. Emotionally I won't go there. While at a family function I was asked to do family pics for everyone. Two hours straight and I did okay. Then I had to move up stairs to use a different background and use the stairs bc I'm short and my family is tall. Regardless, 3-4 times up/down stairs and I can barely walk. Not only does my hip hurt and everystep it locks but my pelvis aches. If I didn't know better I would think I was pregnant..its the same aching feeling I had when I was pregnant.
Obviously the stairs are the culprit. It has been a very long time since I have had this type of issue w/my pelvis and hip.
One of my aunts is aware of my recent struggles and the outcome. She sought me out today when I disappeared during our family Thanksgiving. I needed a "break"!! She could see it in my eyes that I was struggling. Love her to pieces. Love that she gets it. She doesn't judge me. She doesn't tell me to suck it up. She knows that there is nothing she can do to fix me. She is able to just he herself and let me know she cares. I had snapped at one of her kids and she knew I felt bad. She wanted to make sure I knew she didn't care and understood.
Somehow it would be awesome if the psych nurse mother of mine....could be a lil more like her baby sister!
I have a family member who isn't 'all there's. She is my cousin. She recently had her baby die in her 28-29th week of pregnancy. I feel horrible for her. Yet, it makes me sooo mad bc she doesn't take care of herself or pregnancy in a health manner. I wanted more than 2 children. My body couldn't take any more than 2. With the pregnancy and severe post partum issues. If doesn't make t any easier knowing shes a dumbshit that doesn't need ro he having any more children. She talker all about 'when she was gong to get pregnant again'. Barf
Saturday, November 26, 2011
I dont' go swimming often. I'm not a great swimmer by any means. When I do go swimming, I sometimes will dive too deep. I will find myself panicked for a few seconds. As I (or you) push yourself to the top of the water, I think I'm never going to make it. This is the end. My body is burning and screaming over and over and the end (or top) is so far away. I am certain that I am no longer able to go any longer. And then....just like that...I manage to burst out of the water.
The first gasp of air is refresting, because it’s such a relief. I can’t believe it’s real, and I’m left drinking in as much oxygen as I can because I’m afraid it will run out.
That first breath of air is the closest I can get to explaining what it’s like when my depression lifts. Constantly gasping for a breathe.
I cannot fight the demons in my head without the help of medication and a therapist. I am unable to move forward without leaning on others for a bit of help. I will never be that strong person I once was before my children were born.
Over the last week, this realization became very clear to me. A very depressing realization.
Do you ever look at your life and think to yourself "how the hell did I get to this point? How the hell did I get to this point when I used to be so strong? How....I could get so mentally unstable at times when I was once so strong?"
Yeah! Me, too!
I've started/stopped several more "ramblings". I can't bring myself to post it tonight. It is nearly 11pm and I have a child who needs to go to bed before my husband comes home and gets pissy bc the kid is still up.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Nothing really blog worthy. Yet, again...not much ever blog worthy. Just a journal for me to track ups and downs. And...today is definately a down!!!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
I had 3 complaints this week.
One for every single day that I worked.
I totally expected AND deserved the 1st complaint I received. It is what it is. I would do it again...IN A HEART BEAT!!
Then the complaint I received today for yesterday and the complaint I received today about today...was from the same b*tch. I made it pretty clear that the b*tch could eat dirt. I got the complaint right as I was leaving work for the day/week. It is a good dang thing I don't have to be back till TUESDAY!!
Did you read that right? TUESDAY! I have 5 days off. FIVE DAYS OFF. Unless of course, they call me for overtime on Monday. Which, I'm certain they will.
So there you have it....
I'm off for the holiday...and for that...I AM VERY THANKFUL!!!
So much to be thankful for. It is often hard to remember when the depths of depression comes barreling down your/my door. I am the first to admit this is an area that I struggle with.
I will do my best to remember those blessing today.
To stay in the present during stressful moments while spending time with family over the next few days.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Work was long. Work was work. I worked overtime this today. Suprisingly, I was nice. I actualy LOOKED at people - smiled and shook my head.
I wasn't ready for a "Good Morning, Good Aftternoon, Hello" ...if I actually looked at them and said something it might have been 'sit down and shut up'.
If I had a complaint yesterday. That is why I didn't look at anyone. I'm tempted to open my mouth and say shit that will just get me in trouble. BTW: Yesterday was my first day back. Not a good track record to have a complaint on your first day coming to work in 3 weeks. Oh' well. I was tempted to tell the superv. that spoke to me about the complaint the chickie who complained could screw off. I didn't. I didn't look at him, either.
I had a friend tell me yesterday that she thought I used the F* word more in the 30 min. convo we had than I've had in the last 3 weeks when I've talked to her. My response was "well C* that is what our job will does to us...is it not".
I continue to not sleep well. The ONLY difference between the sleep issues that I had say...last week and have this week...last week I didn't have to get up for work at 4:45am. This week I do. That sucks.
I'm rather bitchy.
....and that is all for tonight.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Not yesterday...I knew from the moment I walked into church that I was being set off. It wasn't just one thing it was several. A few little things. And one HUGE thing. Actually, I could say two huge things. However, one of those things ended up taking away 'from staying in the present' and throwing me into a tailspin. It was a fast downward spiral. That ended with me coming home from church and going to bed. Turning on the heated mattress pad (bc I 'cope' with heat and I couldn't take a hot shower and be in bed at the time) and going to bed...for several hours.
I can't even say "it is like the lights flicked off and I was in a horrible mood, snapping at everyone, anxiety ridden, blah blah blah." I knew immediately.
I've not posted to much about our child we adopted and then disrupted handful of years later....on this blog. I do have a blog that I've journaled most of our journey. If you would like the link to that please leave a comment. It is not a 'semi-private blog' and has names on it unlike this blog. I've not posted a great deal about the amount of grief, guilt, shame, PTSD, fear, and everything else that comes along with this situation.
We received a document from the Ward Clerk that gave all info the church has on file for our family. Everytime we are given this document we have asked to have our son C*, whom is no longer our son, removed from the roles of the church as our son. He is no longer our child. I do not want him listed as our child. Our last ward clerk removed C* from the local ward and stake directory. However, it wasn't removed from the Records of the Church.
As we sat in the Chapel yesterday morning and I read C*'s name and birthdate listed under our "Children" my heart sank. It sank in a way that I can't even describe.
I turned to my dh and said "WHY is his name still listed?"
He said "I dont' know. I've asked and no one can seem to tell me. I think it has to do with the fact he was Sealed to us in the temple."
I said "I want his name off the records of our family. It is bad enough he has your phone number. It is
bad enough that his foster mom has your address. It is bad enough that he is a damn smart child and he could find us if he wanted to. We don't have a house phone primarly because he is old enough to try and track us if he wanted to buy a house phone. I want his name off of this document. HE is NOT my child. I don't care if we were sealed....I don't care what Church policy and procedure.....I don't care....."
He interrupted and said "I will try and take care of it. I already talked to the Bishop and he said he doesn't know why it keeps showing up. I will ask him again.....but I can't make promises".
I got up and went back and spoke to a family that I know has served in Stake Presidency in the past. "Brother N* can you tell me how to remove a child from this document?"
"Did the child die? Even if the child died..he will still be on there. You were sealed to him. He will forever be your child." I'm pretty sure the look on my face was a bit worrisome.
I responded with "he needs to be removed and I need to know how to have it taken off of here..." And I went back to sit w/my family.
After Sacrament this family approached my husband. C* was removed from the computer 100% as being listed as our child. I have no clue what will happen at Church Head Quarters in Salt Lake. I'm hoping and praying this matter is fixed.
My husband came to me while I was sitting in the foyer and said "C* was removed. He should never be able to track us based on the records of the church."
I hope so....because today...I'm still struggling. My head is still spinning. I've cried more tears of grief, guilt and pain in the last 24 hrs than I have over this situation in a very long time.
And PTSD sucks!! I slept for sh*t last night. I woke up several times covered in sweat and unable to breathe seeing his face at my front door. Did I say PTSD FRIGGING SUCKS? I want to crawl in bed and not get up. I want to cover my head and sleep this away. Today is one of those days where working....didn't serve me very well...as the day lingered on irrational worthless thoughts continued to work their way into my head and take up space...lots of space!!
Every young blonde college student that I have encounter with...I think of C*. What he missed. What he will miss. What I missed. What I will miss. And it sucks.
I started following Musings of a Counselor several months ago. I love the fact that each Monday she posts her Thankfulness Project Monday posts. I often do not post them on Monday's. However, I do think about it each week. This post is being wrote on Sunday night and will be scheduled to post on Monday because I've got a very long day tmw and wanted to try and get this posted.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Not so much today.
Today is a really rough day.
My anxiety level is sky high.
Trying not to sink back into dark hole Ive been in for so long.
Struggling would be an understatement.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
My son grew fond of one of the Missionaries over the last few months. This young man has served his Heavenly Father and the members of our region for the last 2 years. This week his family will welcome him back home as his Mission will be complete.
The day after my son was baptized the Elder's (Missionary's) stopped by our house for a few moments to play with my son. We tried to set up a date for dinner before Elder B left to go back home. And somehow I felt the need to offer having a "Farewell" gathering at our house for the ward.
Last night I made a cake. This morning I will make Velveta No-Bean Chili Dip and Corn Dog Muffins.
Remember to stay in the Present!!
Friday, November 18, 2011
The night looked something like this....Sleep was no where around. After waking several times, as in every 30-45 minutes...it involved me attempting to wake my husband sometime around 2-2:30 am. He made it clear to me last week he wanted me to wake him on nights that I wake and am struggling. Specifically with "one way out, there is no fix, things would be much better for my family if I was no longer around...." thinking. He would not wake up. I went from my bed to a hot shower. The hot shower didnt' snap me out of this spin. I sat at the kitchen table in the dark for around 30 minutes drinking a Dt Pepsi and overdosing on chocolate.
I woke in a definate mood. One that said THANK GOD I am not working today. Thank God....I have today for me! I couldn't bring myself to snap out of it. While showering, my face stung from falling tears. And the gament of thoughts..... Why? WHY? I'm supposed to be better? I'm supposed to be able to work? I'm supposed to be functional? Is being off work really decreasing my ability to function? I dont' agree. I've done fairly well this week all things considered. Struggling with suicidal thoughts has really been at bad since the end of last week. Few fleeting moments here and there. Nothing more than a few thoughts here and there of hopelessness.
Struggling with all og the above, I got out of the shower. Determined to get things done today. I needed to shampoo my carpets, pick up a few groceries and make a cake today. All things that I could have done last night (except the cake) but I was tired and b*tchy so I waited till today.
My psychiatrist agreed to give w.elbutrin another try. I opened the cupboard and a RX bottle fell out.
The light bulb CLICKED on really BRIGHT!!
My conversation with my husband was one that was rather tough. He was mad. Very mad. At me. He didn't have to say much to make me know that he was upset with me. I know why.
Shortly after having a lil' discussion with my husband and the light bulb clicking; my husband gave me a shot of Vitamin B12. It has been a really long time since I've had one. As in really long time. We filled the this afternoon after he gave me the injection. I will have him give me another injection in a week to give me a boost.
And....here is a lil diddy from depression.com about B12. Because of my gastric bypass this is just another thing that due to malapsorption is an issue.
Vitamin B12: Because vitamin B12 is important to red blood cell formation, deficiency leads to an oxygen-transport problem known as pernicious anemia. This disorder can cause mood swings, paranoia, irritability, confusion, dementia, hallucinations, or mania, eventually followed by appetite loss, dizziness, weakness, shortage of breath, heart palpitations, diarrhea, and tingling sensations in the extremities. When shortages do occur, they are often due to a lack of intrinsic factor, an enzyme that allows vitamin B12 to be absorbed in the intestinal tract. Since intrinsic factor diminishes with age, older people are more prone to B12 deficiencies.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
I had 3 doctor appts today. My plate was full. I didn't make it to all 3 appts. I ended up having a 4rth appt added to the mix (for my son). I woke up refreshed, renewed, and ready to take on the world...or for a few moments anyway.
My pelvis was in bad shape. Last night I started having problems walking after using my eliptical. I've had this problem before after I was rear-ended several years ago. So it worked out good I had a chiropractor appt this morning. He believes it was the answer to some of the hip and low back pain I've experienced over the last few weeks. Specially during and after my massage last Friday. World of difference after being adjusted - after a few tears - I'm feeling much better.
After I left there I went and seen my psychiatrist. The appt went okay. I can't say I was happy. I can't say I am unhappy. We have a 10-11 year history together. I often find myself in a love/hate relationship with her. And today wasn't so much about love. I respect her and love her dearly. However, I don't have to like what she has/had to say. I don't have to like the attitude that transpired. I left her office fighting back tears. Tears of frustration and anger.
I spoke to my husband on my way to my employer. One of the issues I had w/my pdoc appt was I have to have paperwork turned into to my employer in order to work the following day. The timeline was already met. I also needed to get paperwork turned in by another time deadline in order to get a "weekly pick" for next week and not be forced to be oncall every single day. I can't rotate/be oncall everyday at this point. I met the deadline by less than 10 minutes. I did end up getting a weekly pick, barely.
Because, I had gotten so upset at the end of my appt and worked myself into a tizzy I called my PCP's office and cancelled my appt. The last thing I needed was to go to that appt and have her make some stupid comment or suggestion that the malabsorption issues are in my head, depression related, and I'm just plain making shit up. Because at that point, I could have very well ended up in the hospital or jail....so I decided come home and just be! I spoke to my dear friend S* and laid down and rested for a lil bit before picking my son up from school.
My son and I went to an impromptu derm appt. I am hopeful that the course of treatment will be effective and we will not be faced at doing a biopsy and labwork. She mentioned several times during the appt if the 8 week course of antibiotics doesn't clear this up OR it comes back after going away while on the antibiotics he will be facing testing for an auto immune disorder. We are praying for an easy fix at this point with antibiotics.
In 2 weeks I will begin a 3 month set schedule for my work hours. I'm very optimistic and hopeful I will be able to find some relief and stabalization. Contrary to the vibe I got from my psychiatrist this morning....I am taking care of myself. I am doing what I need to do...as much as I can....and taking care of myself. I know that my therapist doesn't feel that me not working has been helpful. I love her dearly. And today I can honestly say....we can agree to disagree. I know I am doing better. I know it isn't even just a little bit better. I also know that being home hasn't made things worse nor will they make it worse with me being home. The only manner that it makes things worse with me staying home is the financial aspect. Even though I have disability insurance it isn't 100%. Regardless, my work week starts on Sunday. Next week is a short week. I can hope and pray the following week I can get a weekly pick (set schedule).
In the meantime I have full plans on....taking care of ME the next 3 days. I need to do some deep cleaning to do in the morning. Things that should have been done the last 2-3 weeks while I've been home. However, they didn't get done. Saturday we are having a farewell party for one of the Elders (missionaries) who will be going home from his mission next week. *insert...my anxiety is rather high at the thought of having a a large amount of church members in my home since my huband and children are the only members who attend church on a regular basis.*
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Yesterday morning my while waiting for the cardiology team to come and get my husband we were watching tv. We never watch TV during the day. I have no clue what is even on. I'm set in the very few shows that I do like.
The V.iew was on at the moment. They were discussing the P.enn S.tate tragedy (it truly is a tragedy) and the latest on this case. I've watched and/or listened to very little of what is going on.
I dont' watch local news unless I know there will be something on that I want to see. I don't want or need to hear the negative crap that comes along with the news. Occasionally, they will be running a segment and I will be sure to watch it. For the most part; it isn't ever watched in our home.
The V.iew gave light, opinions, and showed the latested interview. I was shocked beyond belief how incredible angry it made me. I'm certain the patients on both sides of my hubands hospital room heard me yell at the tv during one the interview w/this monster. My husband turned the channel. I made him turn it back. He was more shocked than I imagined. Telling me "*** you need to not watch this. Obviously, it is trigger you in a way that is not healthy. Watch something else."
My dh turned to me and said "We are not watching this and I'm turning this TV off."
And that was the end of that.
I'm shocked that my dh stood up to me in that manner.
I'm shocked that I got as upset as I did. I will often get upset with stuff like this; it hits a very deep and painful spot. However, 99% of the time....it is hidden.
Yesterday....it was not.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
My mind is still racing. My husband is home from the hospital tonight. There was a point this evening after he got up to walk for the first time it didnt' go so well. If I remember correctly there was a few text to my dear friend S* that said "oh' f*ck". They got a wheelchair, another nurse and the sugeon was paged to the floor. He was there with in seconds. I'm guessing he was on his way to begin with because it was so quick. The area near the insertion point wasn't the actual issue but a bit lower (I believe...it is all 'the same to me' when looking at my husbands groin among others).
No answers for DH's chest pain. The doctor told us why his stress test was abnormal. And said sometimes this happens. I can't really explain what happened. But it seemed normal. He is sending him back to his PCP for follow up. And that is all I know for today. It was a very long 24 hours. And even longer 12 hours of being at the hospital.
All things considered I'm doing okay. This morning was tough. More than tough. However, right now I'm doing okay. I see my psychiatrist on Thursday morning and my PCP later in the same day. Somehow.....I will get to the bottom of this....come hell or high water.
I had lots of thinking time over the weekend and over the last few days...today being one of them. While I was sitting at the hospital today I had a friend come and sit w/me and then she went home and got my kids and took them for dinner. We discussed my current work issue and why I'm off. It was interesting to me to hear her take opinions. I share very similiar opinions and thoughts.
I'm optimistic and hopeful that I can have a productive appt with my psychiatrist appt. on Thursday. As I told my friend today "we just may need to have a coming to Jesus moment...." She laughed hysterically. I did not. She then said "Um, as a patient of Dr. SB...I'm pretty sure that won't happen. Then again, she often suprises me so maybe that would work."
So time will tell!
Climbing out of a black hole.
Nothing hurts worse than depression.
Depression is a lying bastard. As a fellow blogger stated recently.
I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Actually, I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. Just need to remind myself....there is a light. It is just turned off sometimes.
I am praying, that somehow...someone will come along and poke a hole in the darkness with a pin and let some light in.
I know that at the end of the day (or the black hole) it will be me that has to poke that hole.
However, right now I don't even have the ability to find a pin, let alone use it to poke a hole in the darkness.
I have no mental, emotional or physical energy about half of the day. Today....proved to be a very trying day. Today...proved to be a day where anxiety medication would have at the very least taken the edge off. I've ate nothing and that is a true test of my anxiety is bad. I know this is somewhat normal given the circumstances around todays events. However, in the past during stressful days like this having some sort of way to take the edge off....helped.
I feel as if I have nothing left to give to anyone. Not my husband. Not my children. Not my parents. Not my job. And definately, not myself.
If I could will away this deep depression and hole that I've found myself in; I would in a heartbeat.
I've thought hard and often with making a deal with the devil to just feel somewhat whole and normal again. To laugh, cry, sing, and more importantly to just care about life in general.
It is a long and tough uphill battle....I know. I'm climbing it and it sucks giant donkey balls.
The next post was 'wrote' in my head while I drove to see my dear friend S over the weekend. It has been a post in my head for sometime. I decided to finish composing it today. And it is scheduled to post later in the day. (I"m not 100 sure I want it to post so I need to think about it for a few hours)
Monday, November 14, 2011
Often we find ourselves (or maybe not so often in some cases) among friends who will say; "Sweetheart, feel free to call me at any time. I'm always here for you."
I've only had one friend that I could call a true friend....until recently. A few years ago, something happened and it all changed. Over the course of the last few years, I've remained a true friend to her. Offering advice, love, care, listening ear, and so forth in times of need. I've dropped everything to be at her hospital bed. For weeks that turned into months on end. For a long time she cried, supported, nurtured me in times of need. And I did the same for her. I would still do the same for her.
Over the last several months (few years) I've discovered much to my dismay that this friendship has turned from a mutual true best friend friendship to something different. Boundries were broken.
As I have slowly come to the conclusion and acceptance that this particular friendship has changed; it has been quite painful to me.
In the process, I've gained a few other extremely close friends. Friends who, may not take the place of friendship, but have stepped in and taken up residence in my heart in a much deeper fashion.
I've learned over the last several months that True Friendship is about so much more than what I ever envisioned before.
This is not to say the above friendship is down the tubes and I've walked away from the pain, drama, and frustration that comes along with it.
It is to say: I believe that a true friend seeks to understand, cares for and about me and will guard and protect my confidences as if they are their own. And in return: I beleive that a true friend seeks to understand, cares for and about their friend and will guard that person and protect their confidences as if they were my very own.
I know I am not a perfect friend. I am opinionated, get angry at times and often find myself being short. I am often impatient. I have no doubt in my mind that I have hurt my friends feelings out of ignorance and anger. But I strive to be there for those close to me and keep to myself the confidences that have been shared. I also try to apologize when I inflict pain. I imagine at some times I am more successful than at others.
I'm blessed to have True Friends who have recently taken me under their wing. Eat horrible nasty comfort food and watch trashy movies. Who offer to pick my kids up for school, meet me at the hospital and bring me lunch on days when I dont' think I can keep on keeping on. For that; I'm forever blessed!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
..back to reality!
What a blessing if was to have my sweet friend and her family open up their home to me this weekend.
It was truly a blessing in disguise.
This post will be short and sweet.
On my way back home I bad to stop by my employer to fill out paperwork. It was bittersweet. As much as I don't miss the B.S....I really do. Yet, in the same boat it was clear I would not be ready to work as originally planned. For tonight I am not going to worry about working on Wednesday or anyday this week.
I will get up in the morning and attempt to make the phone calls that will hopefully find me some sort of relief.
And remember the warmth and unconditional love...I felt from my sweet friend!! There is such peace in knowing that I'm not alone in this battle. Even though it feels like it.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
I've posted this pic recently...yes I know. IDC...I like it. It speaks volumes.
I can't even begin to tell you what a blessing in disguise it has been to meet other trauma mommas. Many whom I've read the blogs off and on over the last several years. Several whom I've been FB friends with.
This weekend I'm taking care of me. I started a road trip 5.5 hours and 2 states away from my house w/my 9 yr old son. Who decided before I got out of the McD drive-thru he didn't want to go. After taking him home I started 'lil-long' drive solo and am so glad I decided to come.
We (I) have had a great day!
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
As soon as my children are in bed, I will be returning to my bed. One of few things will happen. I will wake up and this shit will be gone. Fixed. And just a horrible dream. That would be the best outcome. And the only outcome I care to think about tonight.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Sleep is rare, again. There were a few days over the last two weeks where sleeping was all I did. And it was sound and deep sleeping. I'm guessing making up for the days that I've not been sleeping.
Yesterday wasn't such a good day. My husband had a few doctor appts. I got up and rode with him. Spent a few hours in the car. The alternative would be that I stayed home. And staying home would have meant it would have been a very large struggle to get myself to stay up and out of bed. So I went with him.
We went to lunch at the mall and headed to J.CP for a Christmas gift that my son showed my husband last night he loved. We had a $10 off coupon. The gift we bought ended up costing $3.17 and I couldn't be happier about that. Need to love the coupons that flood your mailbox this time of year. Many go in the garbage.
There are many positives that happened today and I am trying very hard to focus on just that...and breathe!!
I'm struggling to keep the hopeless thoughts and thinking at bay. I don't understand it. I don't get it. It sucks!
I've never been a med seeker. I hate medication. I also don't take it willingly. I don't agree with my pdocs choice to leave things at bay. I understand her stance. I understand where she is coming from. It doesn't mean I have to agree with it. Somehow, her thoughts of continue with the Fearless Living Group and individual thearpy is what is needed right now. I don't.
I woke up yesterday morning with a clear head. Excited it was a new week. And ready to return to work. Tonight, the thought of returning to work is incredible horrifying. Not because I dont' want to work. I want to work. I miss my coworkers. I really do miss the good customers. Of course, I don't miss the politics and such that comes along with my job. However, that will always be there. I get that. I am worried that if I return on Friday and in a week when I see my pdoc she does agree and/or decide to try some sort of medication...I will be back to square one. And financially....we cant' afford for me to go back to work only to end up for me to be off again and have to start that waiting period all over. So...there needs to be big clarifications this week.
BTW: Insomnia SUX!! Thus why this post is being wrote at 4:30-5am.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
One of the ladies who came and gave a talk also happens to be a passenger that I have once in a while. I've known her since I was in Young Women's 20+ years ago. I learned over the weekend that she was baptized around that same time 20+ yrs ago, only because my husband was a missionary here in our current ward. He remembers the set of Elders/Missionaries who were in the area at the time. He served in this same ward shortly after she was baptized. She is a nurse at a local hospital. She is a very sweet and dear lady.
L* and I were talking as we were both leaving the building. She made some sort of comment such as "I will see you in Relief Society tmw". Matter of fact I replied with "Probably not. I will attend Sacrament and will most likely leave after that." She knew I wasn't working and added a few other remarks such as she would love to see me there. It was a rather awkward moment. One that I felt the need to clarify. And so I did, rather reluctantly.
Other than our bishop, whom I spoke w/about this in our home and a VERY few IRL people....my battle with depression, anxiety, S.I, and such is a very private manner. So mentioning to her why I generally only attend Sacrament was rather tough. I was very taken back in some ways by her response. She stopped dead in her tracks. Looked at me and sincerely said "__ I had NO clue." I followed it up with "It isn't something I discuss and is part of the reason I'm not working right now". I figured she didn't need to know more. It is what it is. And she had enough information that is all she needed.
I'm struggling, again!
It is an up and down battle.
I'm trying very hard to keep myself busy. Seriously, I'm in some sort of a manic, crazy, can't stop bc if I do I will end up crashing hard mode. So I've cooked. I've cleaned. I've not slept. I've walked the dogs. I've been up and down and all over the dang place.
I received a phone late last evening from the sweet Sister whom I mentioned above. She was on her way home from work. And because she usually sees me at work she was thinking of me. After she got home she felt like she needed to check in and see how I was really doing. At first I was taken back and felt like "I don't really want/need to air my dirty laundry out there. How do I know I can trust her?" And many other things. Of course, I didn't tell her that on my way home from my group meeting tonight I had to focus myself deeply on doing something constructive...aka: talking to someone on the phone bc if I didn't the urge to drive down a cliff or into the barrier wall was so incredible strong. She didn't need to know those things.
She cared. She cared enough to let me know "I am not Alone". I often hear this 'phrase' and sometimes get rather discouraged and disgusted by it. However, it is sooo very true. Last week on several different occasions when this song popped into my IPOD play list there was no stopping the tears.
Find solace. Find comfort. Find whatever it is that you need....and know...YOU are NOT ALONE!! (click on link to hear music)
Sunday, November 6, 2011
My son was baptized yesterday. He was confirmed a member of the church and received the Gift of the Holy Ghost today. My husband performed both the baptism and confirming our son. It was bitter sweet.
Today being the first Sunday of the month it was Testimony Meeting during sacrament. One of the ladies who bore her testimony mentioned the above "I loved you at your darkest".
I know deep down in my heart my Father in Heaven loves me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt there is some sort of lesson to be learned by these dark days. I don't know what it is. Nor do I believe that I am ready to have that knowledge.
My parents came for a late lunch/early dinner. My brother and his girlfriend joined us. It was an all around nice afternoon.
I'm exhausted. I hurt. I've struggled off and on with keeping my thoughts/moods above water. I've held it together. And I did so for the sake of my children. And will continue to get up and keep fighting for the sake of my children. I may need you to remind me in a few days!!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Mr. M hasn't always been such a good boy. You know, those puppy years can be rough. He has always been beautiful, gentle and loving. (Except of course when Mr. B gets on his case a lil to much and well then not so much). He loves his humans. He loves attention. He loves food, walks, treats, toys, and just life in general.
So that is my goal. Somehow, I need to make that shift. Need to turn a corner. For today, I will give this a try.
My son will be baptised in a few short hours. Which means, this momma needs to go to bed. Insomnia stinks. Actually, it downright sucks. Sucks even more so when you're deep in a dark hole.
My kids have a team practice for tumbling out of town. One of the other parents that will be chaperoning has asked that I go along. I don't want to. I should. I'm not going to offer. I really don't want to go!!
After my post earlier in the day on Friday, I ended up sleeping very soundly. Woke to my daughter standing in my doorway. Shortly after I got out of bed. Her and I went to town. She wanted to go to the mall. I ended up buying her a hoodie, sweater, and long sleeve shirt to go with the sweater. I then bought myself a complete outfit. A co-worker/friend met us at the mall and then followed me back home. I made dinner and we sat on the couch for an hour or two and just did nothing.
So...I can easily say my day didn't suck up to much of the "need to retreat in my room".
Friday, November 4, 2011
I also realize I have been nothing but down right depressing.
If you have come here looking upbeat and optimistic stuff..I'm sorry to disappoint. I would love for a break on this downright shit-filled space I'm in.
As I posted a week or so ago, everyday I try to get up and go about as if 'today will he different'. Today started just like that. Attempted to come up with a structured healthy plan for the day. One that would promote healing and restore faith of better day(s).
It is just past noon.
My children had early release and are home.
I managed to go out and about.
To the chiropractor, JcP, and Subway for lunch with my husband.
I've escaped and am in my room. Somehow, the heat from a heating pad seems to numb the overall pain and anxiety I am struggling with today.
Late last night PTSD reared its very ugly head. It truly is a silent killer. Even though I'm able to write out (on my other blog) what happened and feel somewhat of a relief. Like I'm not so alone.
There is more to it. I am struggling today with not wanting to run. RUN FAR FAR AWAY. Where no one knows me. Where I'm alone. Where I'm safe from all that haunts the fucking daylights out of me.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
This lil' poem states so simple who I often feel. There are many days when they drive me near insanity (the good kind. hahaha). Then there are days when I just couldn't imagine a day with out them.
I am not working right now. It wasn't something that came about lightly. I've had a few meltdowns this afternoon after seeing my therapist and calling the short-term disability insurance company.
My children are the reason I get up every single day. They are the very fiber of my being. I love them more than I love anything else on this earth. With out them I have no idea where I would be at this moment. I can pretty much guarantee you it wouldn't be sitting in my living room....blogging.
When I left J*'s office this morning she wanted to know 'what my plan was for the next week....what was *I* going to do that was structured and healthy?'
I didn't have the answers.
I still don't have answers.
It may need to be a day-to-day plan that I develop.
For today the plan consisted of:
Me making dinner.
Cleaning up the table.
And not going to my room or bathroom to hide in a hot bath. While my children were still awake.
It is 9:15pm. And I've struggled a great deal with not escaping to my room---to the tub. One of my two children are in bed. The other will be shortly. And it is just a matter of time before a very hot tub calls my name and I very well may not be able to keep it together any longer.
I've grounded my son...and then ungrounded him for kicking a ball at the house when he was supposed to be cleaning up dog crap. Having a talk w/my daughter about her going to the temple next weekend w/the youth group. I've spent the evening editing photos. Updating my photo blog. And working w/my brother to offer a portrait special to his office co-workers for head shot photos.
To be honest...I've not reverted to my room for a nap/break since I got up at 9:00am and left for my chiropractor and therapy appt.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
I decided to get up and work past that.
Regardless if I have an 8:30am massage.
Regardless if I have a therapy appt right after my massage. I will be tired. It will work itself out.
It always does, right?
I edited some pictures of our dogs. Both are adorable. We are blessed they are such good dogs.
From there I ended up on the LDS.org website. I had no real intent of looking anything up. Or finding anything that would speak volumes to me. It is as I mentioned....in the middle of the night. Don't know about you, but my brain doesn't comprehend things very well at 1-2-3 am.
General Conference was a few weeks ago. I've not seen the Conference talks. Nor have I read them. I will be honest and I rarely watch or read the talks. UNLESS...and here is the kicker....UNLESS someone tells me or I see on another blog that there is a specific highlight or special speaker that I just have to read/listen to.
That being said, I've not read any special comments about the latest conference talks. And if I have, I've not remembered it.
Truly my Father in Heaven was guiding my fingers this evening as I skimmed over this talk by Elder Dieter F. Uchtorf. I've read/heard things from him before. All which have spoke volumes to my heart. As I sit here this evening/early morning (whatever you call it) reading and then listening (bc sometimes hearing their beautiful voices is important, too) tears stung my face as I tried to soak in his words.
You don't have to be LDS/Morman to soak in his goodness. You don't have to have 100% the same beliefs. You just need to believe there is a higher being. Who loves you. Who will not forget you!
The following portion of his talk truly brought me to my knees. I struggle a great deal with remembering...I am not alone, nor am I forgotten.
(This can be found near the end of his talk)