Journey to TMS - Part 2

Part 1:  Journey to Transcranial Magnetic Therapy

It had been about 2 months since I heard from the TMS Clinic.  As I wrote previously (and below), it came at a very low point.

In a nutshell, the clinic manager called and let me know that they were still working with my insurance company.  And because of the complexity of the insurance issues, they were willing to take a risk and start treatment.

An answer to a prayer.

I wrote the following excerpts in a google document about a week ago the day before I went for the first appointment/treatment (that treatment didn't happen...more on that later)  

The Before
*Initially when I got the call from the TMS Center...I was very hopeful.  I immediately text/called two of my closest friends.  Speaking with one of them on the phone while she was working.  Fear, self sabotage, and all that other crap didn't have a chance to sink in at that point.

The call came on a day when I was unable to get out of bed.  At a point where not much more fight was left.

That call was nearly a month ago.  I've had plenty of time to back out.  I've had plenty of time not to follow thru and just plain build my anxiety up so damn high I can't stand myself.  Night terrors have filled nearly every single night of the last 3-4 weeks.  Much in relationship to TMS therapy.

And my anxiety is extremely high.  LOTS AND LOTS of anxiety!

There is no turning back.  I can't keep going like this.  I know something has to change.
So I will go.
And make the best of it.
And pray for the best.

In less than 24 hours, I will go for the initial treatment.  I'm not sure that I can do this.  I don't want to go alone. I will.  I have to. My children deserve to have their mother back. If anything else.  They deserve to have a mom.  And I deserve to be their mom w/everything that I've got.

Change Starts with Believing in Yourself

This post has been a work in progress for the last week. I've deleted it each time I've sat down to write.  I've had a really hard time gathering my thoughts and moving my fingers in order to get it out on here.  Here it is. 

 I've mentioned on my I Will Get Up Again FB page that I have seen my massage therapist at the college she is attending to further her education.  These appointments were for Intuitive Support.  When I decided to make an appointment and give this a try, I did it thinking it would be a good mix with what I'm already doing between seeing H* for massages and J* for regular therapy.

I don't think this is something I would have considered if I didn't already have a relationship with H*.  It's been a good mix.  Last night I had my second appointment.  It was tough. Just like therapy with J* can be/is tough. There wasn't anything that I didn't already know or haven't heard a million times before.  It was just an added support that "In order for change to happen...I need to begin by believing in myself."

Changing those core beliefs is something that isn't easy. I know that. I've been in therapy long enough, been to enough mindfulness and DBT sessions to know that in order for change to even begin to happen....I need to begin by believing in myself. I know this. Quite honestly...I believe every single person KNOWS this.  Do we really BELIEVE it?  That is the question.

The last several weeks have been fueled by deep depression and sucidal ideation.  To the point where I've questioned how much longer I could keep myself safe.  Struggling with self harm to an entirely new level.

Last night I mentioned to H* (massage therapist) I have been hearing that "Charlie Brown's teacher...the 'whaaa whaaa whaaa voice' over and over.  We discussed that some of what she told me on Monday sounded the same way, some of what Jodi and I discussed on Monday was the same thing.  And then last night it was there again."  She paused for a few moments and thought about it.  Responded with "**, what you are hearing that 'whaa whaa whaa voice' is not me. It is not Jodi. It is your own voice telling yourself...wha wha wha!!"  Initially, I didn't agree with her.  Then, this morning as I laid in bed doing not a DARN thing but ENJOYING the peacefulness of being home alone....I began to think more in depth about my appts with Jodi and H* this week.  Slowly, the light flickered on a bit brighter.  "You need to believe in yourself in order for change to begin to happen.  The Charlie Brown voice....it is you...the sound of YOUR own voice."

Much of what is underneath all of the tough stuff...comes down to some of the tougher core beliefs that I have about myself.  The belief that I can't change.  That this is as good as it gets.  Regardless of what positive shifts and attempts I make in my life, marriage, parenting and so forth....holy shit this is hard....I've been stuck on THIS part for over an hour.  Being able to type it out...to SEE it...it's painful.  Damn is it ever painful. Here it is:

"I don't believe that I am worthy of the change, no matter what I do I will not be good enough and....ultimately I am not worthy of the positive and wonderful things that can come about in my life....by believing in myself. No matter how many times my family, my friends, my therapist, or anyone tells me...I don't believe it."

There.I.said.it.  It was probably one of the hardest things for me to type, read, erase, and re-write and leave....

It is the first step to moving past the core beliefs that are incredibly strong.

Tomorrow afternoon I will interview for a job transfer.  This position was open to the public.  I'm not certain exactly how many applications and how many of those applicants took the accounting test.  I have been told that the average 'open to the public' application amount has been 250-300 per position.  Usually 100-150 are offered the ability to take the test required to obtain an interview.  Based on the test score there were approx 10-15 people offered interviews.  I am struggling with keeping this interview.  Trying to find reasons why this position would not be best for me.

I keep hearing the words that have stung for so long.  Cementing the core belief that I am not worthy, that I am not good enough, that no matter what I do...it won't be enough.

The last few weeks I've had several different occasions that have cemented the belief that I will not be good enough.  The voices have been loud and very clear.  Regardless of what I do...it will never be good enough.

Yet, I have continued to fight the tough stuff.  I applied for the position.  I took the test and did not leave...EVEN though it took every ounce of my energy to not get up and leave.   And I will, against all the internal conflict, go to the interview tomorrow.

This is just some of the tough stuff rocking the boat!  The marriage piece adds an entirely new level.  The medication issue adds another level.  The boat tips further and further to one side and eventually it gives in.  I've been at that spot more than once.  I'm trying hard to keep from going there again.

I Will Be There for You

In our darkest of times, often we turn to our friends in order to help us get through the trials life has/is throwing at us.  I know this has been true for me over the last few years and particularly true for me over the last several months.

If you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you know I have engaged in several struggles over the last year.  I have had several boughts of dark depression.  Each ranging from chemical imbalances unable to be supported by medication, job stress and previous abuse/triggers that are on going, financial frustrations due to being unable to work full-time due to health or other mental health related issues.  Each of these events and more have been incredible challenging.  Challenges which I am certain I could not have overcome with out the love, support and understanding of a few incredible friends.

When I say friends I do not mean acquaintances. I do not mean people I just know through memberships in similar groups or organizations.  I mean people who know who I am, on a deep and personal level, and stood by me when it was difficult to do so.  Who have picked up the phone and made sure that I was okay, when I was certain I didn't know if I was okay.  For many of us, such true friends are few and very far between.  I know that for years I could count mine on one hand.  And even today, can still count them on one hand.

My recent surgery has shown to me who those true friends really are.  Those friends who call because theyc are about who I am.  Who send tid bits here and there to let me know they care.  Who with out expecting anything in return let me know that I am loved.

This my friends is the greatest gift we can give someone.  Thich Nhat Nahn (Buddhist Monk) has a saying:  "The greatest gift you can give someone is to say 'Darling, I am here for you.'"  When someone you call friend puts this saying into action and is truly there for you, it is indeed an incredible gift.

I owe a deep dept of gratitude to the friends who have listened to my aching heart, held my confidences, cared, supported and loved on me more than I ever feel entitled to.  THeir words of caring and comfort create a beam that will continue to lead me through the dark tunnels I have found myself in over the last several months and continue to do so.  You have given me hope and encouraged me to find a path in which I can continue to move forward,  instead of backwards.   And you have become my biggest cheerleaders, believing in me and lifting me up when I feel I can't go on.  I am truly blessed to have each of you in my life.

The only way to ever repay you for what you have given (and continue) to give me is to remind you that; "Darling, I am here for you."  I will answer your call when you reach out and will be there for you as you have been me to me over these trying moments and long days.

The Courage to Heal

Today I opened the book:  "The Courage to Heal:  A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis.     !!!!holy hannah intense is an understatement!!!!

I am not naive.  I knew it would be intense.  I knew there would be parts that were tough.  I barely got to the end of the Preface without an overwhelming feeling of panic and fear.  The effects that sexual abuse has had on me in my life....clearly screaming loud and clear.  I have put the book down and walked away on several occasions in the last several hours.  Unable to read any further.  Paralyzed with fear.  It isn't the fear of feeling unsafe, being abused, or feeling vulnerable.  The fear of speaking...breaking the silence...breaking the power that it has had over me.

Over the last several years I've remained in a world of denial, so to speak.  For nearly 35 years I've maintained silence.  If I don't speak about it.  It didn't happen, right?  Not so much.  I've protected myself.  I've been able to only let bits and pieces of this and that out in the open as I felt safe to do so.  I've been unable to figure out how or why there is such power in not speaking about the details.

The writing exercise at the end of the first chapter is geared towards the way it has affected me and still does.  What kinds of things do I still carry in the terms of my feelings of self worth, my relationships, sexuality, work, ect ect.  It also suggests writing about strengths I've developed because of the abuse. And a few other positives in my life.

As part of the writing method it suggests sharing what you write relatively soon after writing it with a friend, loved one, therapist, someone...ect ect.  I've wrote very openly here on this blog.  However, I'm not sure I'm able (or wanting) to expose myself in this manner here on this blog.  I'm struggling with what sort of balance.  Obviously, sharing these writings with my therapist would be helpful.  And I'm sure at some point will.  I also know that J* reads this blog from time to time.  It is helpful for both of us.  She is able to see me in a different view point...often uncensored, so to speak.    I wish this blog was on word press.  Being able to "password protect" certain posts is VERY VERY attractive to me. 

I could make this blog private.  However, I'm not sure that want to deal with that aspect.  I blog for ME and ME only.  However, as I've said before...if along the way someone...somewhere finds strength in what I've wrote, is able to know that they are not alone....then damn it was worth exposing myself.  I know how much comfort I've received from reading other posts of fellow bloggers.  Some whom I know very intimately.  Many whom all I know is their screen name or blogger name.  Whatever it might be...it has been a life line that I am so thankful that I've had.

I've rambled....I know (you read here often you know that happens...OFTEN).

I will end with something that touched my heart today. Made me smile.  Made me think of my sweet ETAAM Soul Sisters....the intimate group of "tiara wearing mamma's" and how much I miss each of them!! 

Today

Is just another day.  As usual there have been ugly moments here and there.  However, nothing as ugly or dark as there have been in recent months....weeks.
Today, I accompanied a friend to see an attorney.   I'm glad I went with her.  I've found myself in a 'fight for what is right ' mode.  I feel much lighter and ready to take on what is placed before me.
Yesterday, without hesitation I was able to bring up a few different therapies, ask some questions that I've been hesitant.  
Today, I was willing and able to move fwd with an EMDR consultation.  I absolutely love that my therapist is able to be honest and forthright with me. Explaining it time her best ability and then saying the same thing that has always been in the back of my mind when I think abt EMDR.  Yet, today....I attempt to ask her reception staff "who" in her office does this therapy.  They were very busy and my friend was ready to leave.  She encouraged me to call my therapist and ask her who since I couldn't figure out via their website. 
This scares the living crap out of me.  I'm sooooo not interested in meeting with someone else.  Yet, today....I needed to capitalize on the fact that....today Im ready to take that on.
I hope...and...pray....it continues.
Also, today...my friend L* pointed out she sees a huge difference... and believes it is because I'm not working.  Onteresting perspective from someone else looking in.

Feelings vs Thoughts

I have pulled out my handy dandy book "How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person's Guide to Suicide Prevention".  I've had this book for 5-6 years.  I've read it front to cover a few times. 

Occasionally, I pull it out and open it to any page.  Believing that whatever page I open up will be what is needed for me at that time. At times I find myself getting upset with whatever it is that I might be reading. 

It is my plan right now to re-read the entire book. 

Here are a few thoughts that have stuck out to me so far.  I've only read a few 'pages'.  The following really seemed to sink in. More than ever before.

Suicide begins as a thought.  That thought is then driven by negative FEELINGS.  Such feelings are temporary (even though it doesn't ever feel like that in the moment) and are definitely changeable.  The Author states "Suicidal is not a feeling".  These thoughts are paired with feelings of guilt, anger, loneliness, and desperation.  It is crucial to separate these feelings from the thoughts of suicide.  Personally....this is a really hard concept for me.  As I try hard to notice the thoughts and feelings associated with the physical and emotional pain that I am experiencing...(specifically physical since that seems to be brought on by emotional pain), I find it extremely hard to differentiate between the thoughts vs feelings. These things didn't develop overnight and they will for sure not go away over night.

The day has been long.  Filled with lots of commotion.  I'm ready for some downtime. And the next step is in the "Tricks of Trade" portion of the book.  I am going to spend sometime reading the tricks of the trade portion of this book - creating a crisis plan.  One that I can keep on an index card w/me at all times.  It has been a long time since I've had one that I've kept in my datebook.  Several years to be honest.  The last week...I've needed something quick and easy on more than one occasion.  Something that I can pull out.  Glimpse over and attempt to find some sort of relief in remembering that these THOUGHTS are just THOUGHTS. 

I want to add a few other thoughts.....I have a ton of different tools.  I've spent enough years in therapy that I've got the tools to use.  I know them. I often use them (even though it doesn't seem like it.)  At the end of the day....Depression is a lying bastard! Plain, cut, simple, and dry.  It is this saying that I read on another blog readers blog a few months back that....is so incredible difficult to remember in those dark moments.  During my last appt w/J* she basically said the same thing on more than one occasion.  "That is the depression speaking.....it is not true...blah blah blah.." and each time she would say this I would think (and tell her) "Eff..that!"  It is true. I know it is.  Today...I'm able to see and hear that.  There is no promise that tmw or the next day or next month I will be able to remember, see, hear....BELIEVE it. 

Staying Present

...worked for me yesterday.
Not so much today.
Today is a really rough day.
My anxiety level is sky high.
Trying not to sink back into dark hole Ive been in for so long.
Struggling would be an understatement.

Black Hole

It is a long and tough uphill battle.
Climbing out of a black hole.
Nothing hurts worse than depression.
Depression is a lying bastard.  As a fellow blogger stated recently.
I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.  Actually, I do see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Just need to remind myself....there is a light. It is just turned off sometimes.
I am praying, that somehow...someone will come along and poke a hole in the darkness with a pin and let some light in. 
I know that at the end of the day (or the black hole) it will be me that has to poke that hole.
However, right now I don't even have the ability to find a pin, let alone use it to poke a hole in the darkness.
I have no mental, emotional or physical energy about half of the day.  Today....proved to be a very trying day.  Today...proved to be a day where anxiety medication would have at the very least taken the edge off. I've ate nothing and that is a true test of my anxiety is bad. I know this is somewhat normal given the circumstances around todays events.  However, in the past during stressful days like this having some sort of way to take the edge off....helped.
I feel as if I have nothing left to give to anyone.  Not my husband. Not my children. Not my parents. Not my job.  And definately, not myself. 
If I could will away this deep depression and hole that I've found myself in; I would in a heartbeat.
I've thought hard and often with making a deal with the devil to just feel somewhat whole and normal again.  To laugh, cry, sing, and more importantly to just care about life in general.
It is a long and tough uphill battle....I know. I'm climbing it and it sucks giant donkey balls.

Medication, Work and Sleep...

I love this song by Laura Story.

I've posted this link here before.  Today, yesterday, this last week....I've often thought about the lyrics to this song.  As the tears have flowed freely for so many different reasons.

I'm certain that one of the reasons I've struggled lately is the sleepless nights have taken their toll.  And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that lack of sleep = lack of coping = lack of coping = struggles.

It is a very fine line I walk when it comes to medication.  I have an appt with my shrink this week.  I have a rather love hate relationship w/her.  She's awesome. She really is. She knows me and that is soooo dang important.  However, sometimes that works against me.  She knows the struggles I have with medication.  I also have issues with what type of medications can I use that will not cause negative effects and interfer with my job.  That is a big issues.  Often medication that will help you sleep needs to be taken shortly before you go to bed.  When a person gets up early to go to work such as I do 4 out of 5 days per work week (my alarm is set for 4am or earlier every day....and I dno't wear make up, curl my hair or do anything but take a wake-up shower) it is suggested that the medication be taken earlier in the evening.  IE: with your dinner or around 5-6pm.  That again, becomes an issue.  Rarely ever am I A: home or B: off work by that time.  Which means I can not take a sleeping agent.  Often I get off work and have less than 12 hours before I have to return to work.  I often do not find out what I have to work the following day until 4-5pm the day before.  Because I work on-call my schedule is rarely ever the same.  Prime example of not knowing 'what/when' I work.  I know that I have to work from 6:20a-10am in the morning.  I will not find out until 8:30am what I have to work for the remainder of tmw.  I have an idea.  But I don't know for sure.  It is likely I will have to return around 1-3pm and will have to work until no later than 8pm tmw.  I have requested off from 4:30pm to EOS (end of service) tmw bc I have the d.bt group that I'm attending. 

Taking medication to sleep is virtually impossible with my job.

I need to take something to help me sleep tonight.  I've slept very little the last 10 days.  Seriously, less than 3 hours at any given time.  I did take something last night.  However, I've had this horrendous headache AND lack of sleep is just one of many reasons why I have this headache...yet it prevents me from getting good sleep. 

Praying that I will be able to get a decent amount of sleep - sound sleep!  No waking up. 

Taking care of Me!

Nobody else can take care of your own mental health than yourself.

I will admit that I am horrible about doing this.  As it shows in so many areas of my life.  My own emotional well being is one of them.

This week I have choosen to do one thing that says to me...I am taking of me.

Setting bondries with a specific friend of mine.  She has been my bff for many years.  However, she over stepped bounds when she spoke of having a uti infection bc of having an affair.  In front of my children. And the other person happens to be nymph husbands brother.

There are other issues and I personally can't put myself in her company right now.  It isn't healthy for me. 

Another thing I did this week to take care of Me! Was not go to a baseball game I had committed and bought tickets for.  My husband tool my nephew.  I went home from work and sat in a dark and quiet house for 3 hours.  Chatting online with someone very dear to my heart.  There is a 6 hour driving distance between the two of us.  I am certain there will be a weekend in my near future where there will only he 5 ft between us.....bc...well just because!!  Somehow, I will find a way to end that gap for a day.  Because I know WE BOTH need to take dare of ourselves and love on each other in person.

How are you takings care of you?