Saturday, July 30, 2011

Taking care of Me!

Nobody else can take care of your own mental health than yourself.

I will admit that I am horrible about doing this.  As it shows in so many areas of my life.  My own emotional well being is one of them.

This week I have choosen to do one thing that says to me...I am taking of me.

Setting bondries with a specific friend of mine.  She has been my bff for many years.  However, she over stepped bounds when she spoke of having a uti infection bc of having an affair.  In front of my children. And the other person happens to be nymph husbands brother.

There are other issues and I personally can't put myself in her company right now.  It isn't healthy for me. 

Another thing I did this week to take care of Me! Was not go to a baseball game I had committed and bought tickets for.  My husband tool my nephew.  I went home from work and sat in a dark and quiet house for 3 hours.  Chatting online with someone very dear to my heart.  There is a 6 hour driving distance between the two of us.  I am certain there will be a weekend in my near future where there will only he 5 ft between us.....bc...well just because!!  Somehow, I will find a way to end that gap for a day.  Because I know WE BOTH need to take dare of ourselves and love on each other in person.

How are you takings care of you?

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Mental Health Day

I called in sick today.  Ive been struggling with an ankle issue for quite a few weeks.  After a long night of tears and insomnia I went to get out of bed at 430am to shower for work.  There was no standing up.   At that moment I decided I was physically and emotionally exhausted and needed to call in sick.

There was no worrying about the day being with out pay or substitution of one of my few days of floating holiday. 

I did the politically correct thing and made a Dr appt to have my ankle checked out.

What I know is.....I needed a mental health day.  To lay in bed till 9am next to my dh.  To do just do more than hold it together for the sake of being able to work.

My therapist would may very well disagree and believe going to work was what I truly need to do because that is the functional thing to do.  Although, I am certain she is partially correct.  I know I am physically and mentally close to exhaustion and when that collapse comes...I will very down for more than just a day.

So for today I will have my ankle checked out.  (More on that in another post.  I have been getting weekly massages and discussed with H what her thoughts are.)


Monday, July 25, 2011


The weekend was rough.
Really rough.

I ended up training someone at work on Saturday.  I didn't know until I repported for work.  At first I thought it was a great idea.  It would give me a 'bit of a break' in my duties during my shift.  I ended up thinking it was a huge pain the ass.  And it ends up being a tad stressful.  Constantly being on guard. Being watched.  And having to watch....

Come Sunday we did some relaxing and my family and I went for some family pictures.  Taken by me.  After a long drawn out drama filled moment with my daughter I snapped.  And felt very guilty.  As in brought me to tears.  After I brought her to tears.
This week marks some tough trauma-versery's.

And it is only Monday.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Simple things....

...throw me for a loop.  They always have.  For several years.  I shouldn't say always.  Just, well...since becoming a mom. 

Few weeks ago I mentioned briefly about the mentality I've had for a long time that "this is as good as it gets" and have not really thought much past that.

Overall I've been feeling much better on all aspects of life.  It is obvious the treatments I've received are helping.  As much as they can help!

Along with the iron treatments, I've switched massage therapist(s) to just one particular person.  I've blogged before here and on my other blog about the definate benefits and what I find as benies from regular massages.  There are definate benies from having someone that is not only experienced but in tune w/her own body and yours.

Today I found myself verbally putting words to a couple of things that I've thought off and on and been able to recognize myself...however, have not ever said outloud.  As I mentioned the things I that have come a bit more to the surface from having switched to a different massage therapist. 

Over the next several hours I sat w/the thought of having told someone, that I think very dearly of and trust dearly.  And...was at peace. 

Tonight...not so much at peace.

Something rather simple happened this afternoon while I was at the hemo clinic and has then set that lil tail spin a spinning. 

I can't seem to kick it.

I've pulled out my homework book.
Decided to put it back it back in my car. (the car is a good place for it)
I've tried to distract myself with many other things.

Then I came across a blog post from Sugar Filled Emotions on Honoring your Parents and writing a tribute to them.  As I read this post it became painfully obvious to me that this would be something that would be very hard for me to do. Because the very same things that are bothering me tonight are the very same things that I can't positively put into a tribute to my parents.  Well, my mother I could.  But my birth father.  HELL to the NO!! 

I know this post is choppy.  That is the best I can describe my thoughts lately....very choppy.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


This may be long and choppy.
This may be raw and intense.
This may be short and sweet.

As I am traveling back to my home state, I will attempt to blog about some of the thoughts swirling about within.
Using this tablet with mobile internet tends to give me troubles as I type.

This past Saturday my parents and son and I headed out early Saturday morning for a 12 hour drive to attend a funeral.

My Uncle was a very godly man.  He loved and served the Lord with every moment he had a chance.  He raised his family to do the sae thing.  I can never recall hearing an unkind word of comment come from him.  His homecomin last week left his family sad and full of grief.  However, I am certain as he stood before the lord he could not have been any more proud.

His little church that he preached at for the last several years was not big enough to hold the amount of people that would come to pay their respects to the man/family that was so very loved and respected throughout the foothills of his state.  Over 550 people signed the guest book.  There were many who didn't and I'm sure many who would have came if they could have.

I sat at this funeral somewhat paralyzed with fear as I thought about my own immediate family and how their death would affect me. own death and how it would affect my family.

It has been no secret as ive blogged here about my strugges with depression  and suicidal thoughts. 

And this weekend has been no different.

My mother has been extremely judgemental on the mental health aspect of some of my aunts and uncles and their children.  Forgetting about my own struggles. So much so I have had on several times in the last few days to remove myself from the conversation, change subjects,  or just plain keep my mouth shut. 

This is the very reason why the depth of my struggles has been kept a secret from my family.  Other than my husband, there are very few people who are in my family and immediate circle who know how deep it goes.

I often hear people make harsh judgements about people who commit suicide and how they had no clue.  If they could hear themselves speak....the ones who are most educated, who have worked in the mental health field for overr 20 years, the ones my own family pretend and appear to the general public to care and understand....who make those of us on the other side truly know....they don't get it. 

I love my mother dearly.  I tell her just about everything.  I do not discuss this stuff.  Ever. Nor do I plan on it.  Ever.

I hope and pray that as my children grow older they can know how deeply their mother feels about this subject.  And how deeply I pray they can trust I will not be judgemental and hurtful.  Ever.



I am pretty sure I will choose not to travel with parents ever again, ever.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Managing Depression/Lights went out in GA or somewhere.../rant-long

I read this blog post on Managing Depression this evening on Sugar Filled Emotions blog.

Naturally (or not) I became rather ruffled by it the first time I read it.
And then I read it again.
And again.
And again. 
And again.

I think on the upward hand of 10 times I reread it over a 30 minute period of time. feathers were a ton LESS ruffled. 
And it made sense.
And.....I'm linking it to it in this post because it is good stuff. 
And...makes me think. 


Nothing I've not thought, read, been told 100+ times over and over and over again. 

Nothing new.


That being said.....

There were a few days the last week or so that the light at the end of the tunnel flickered on.
Stayed on. 
And was rather bright and sunny.
There was hope that snuck its way in.

The light has flickered back off.
Despite trying to think, do, be, or any of the things posted in the link....that light has stayed off.
And despite attempts to turn it back on, rise from the darkness that seems to be filling in the spaces....

Often there is a topic that seems to come up in therapy appts....I've blogged about it before. 
It was brought up again at my last appt.  I get where J is coming from.  On good days I can really get it. 
Orginally had an appt scheduled for today. I got my weeks messed up.  At my last appt. it was brought up and for various reasons I cancelled my appt for today.

Today would have probably been a first.  J often asks "how come you keep coming back here?  You cancel and don't attend other appts you make?"  yadda yadda yadda.....

Today would have been that first appt. that I would have cancelled.  Because, I just couldn't get myself there.  It must have been a tad obvious I wasn't doing so hot.  While getting my treatment today the nurse made some sort of comment about something (note to self:  keep ur fat mouth shut) and a few moments later she returned w/the social worker/therapist or whatever the hell she was.  I made it pretty clear that I have a therapist and didn't need to talk to one of theirs.  She made it pretty clear that obviously I wasn't in a very good space and it was her job to make sure that each of their patience  knows she is available to them. 

Whatever. I don't need some stranger butting into my life.  Telling me to get over it.  Telling me that it is in my head.  Telling me to just do whatever xyz and take this stupid pill.  Because, seriously....I take those damn pills.  I have attended the classes that were suggested to me, I've kept my therapy and pdoc appts...and yet here the hell I am...again in a damn bad dark spot.

So there you have looooooong rambling rant for the day.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

This is.....

How I have been rolling.....

Sitting with my feet up!  Tonight my feet are up on a cooler.  Diet pepsi in one hand....dorito in another.  The pic is not flattering. I realize.  It is what it is.

It I'm rolling.

Three steps fwd....four steps backwards.

The treatments ive been getting weekly seem to be helping.  SLOWLY. 

Work is work.  Ive moved up a tad in seniority.  I heard briefly from a friend of a friend my co-worker/friend involved in the tragic accident is doing a little better.

As a whole I seem to be having more better days.  The intensity is so much less.  However, on those bad moments and days...there are some pretty intense moments. part of how I'm rolling these days....with my feet up and sitting around .....i need to put the back up!