Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Orlando Bound

The range of emotions today has been high and low.

From down right up and down laughing out of OMG I can't do this.... to I don't want to Go anywhere...over and over.

It is here.  In less than 12 hours I should be headed to a much warmer climate.  And I couldn't be more blessed.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Chinese Fortune

Hmmmm.....isn't this the truth.  Not only today but everyday.

Rocky At Best

Struggling to keep my head above water.
Tensions are very high in my home.
Tension among my husband and I are amping up.

And as so often one of two things happen....
I shut down or escape.
Sometimes both.

The tools in the toolbox....are sparse at best right now.

I've had down and out and just plain bad days recently.   I've also had just as many or more better...good...pretty OK days.  This weekend would not be one of them.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Holy Batman...

A few hours ago,  I composed a blog post from my phone...while in bed....just like I am with this post.  I thought I hit publish.  It is probably a blessing I hit delete.

I know I am teetering on batshit crazy when I can't even remember what it was about. 

I am sick.  Again.  Not a real shocker is it?  This time the verdict is:  ear infection.  Damn it sux!  I woke up with a fever today.  Saw my chiropractor.  And started taking antibiotics.  My ear has produced enough crap to make me want to gag.

The view from my bed is lovely...

Blanket of fresh snow.  My neighbors all shoveling.  Our drive has almost all melted.

Kids are home for a 4 day weekend.  Yeah for them.  My DD will be babysitting here tonight.

I've listened to Adele over and over.



Wednesday, February 22, 2012


There is a heaviness in my heart tonight as I lay my head on my pillow.  My baby still continues to battle a health issue.  His arms, chest, and waist are covered on solid masses.  Miserable is an under statement.   My heart hurts for him.

I am trying hard to not freek out about flying out of the large airport vs smaller one that I am used to.  The 3 hour one way drive and tolls prevent my dh  from agreeing to take me.  I don't blame him.

My work schedule amd hours will virtually stay the same for the next 3 months.  Same days off.  It was weighing heavy on my mind if I should take a schedule that worked 6pm-230am.  It had more pros than cons.  When the day started my prayer was simple..
"Lord,  if it is meant to be...let it be.  Whatever it is that should be my schedule let that stick out and hit me so I know it."  When it was my time base on seniority to pick my shift...the original one I thought I wanted was available, none of thd others were and it was obvious...other than different people and such on Saturday it is the same.  My Saturday piece will be so much easier.  I am relieved.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012


For today...
Skies are deep blue.
The wind is fierce and there is a briskness in the air.
I will attempt to....
Let Go...
And Let God.
I am heart sick regarding a few things my children are dealing with.  I will continue to fight amd find out what is wrong with my son medically.  I will try to approach the things with my daughter gently.
That's all I can do for today.

Sunday, February 19, 2012


Sometimes the best therapy a soul needs is spending time with one of your best friends.  Even if it entails dragging your 4 children along, sans husbands and the 5th child.
No expectations from either one of us.
Just being able to be.
Laugh at each others quirkiness.
Being able to tell each others childen to shut up with no fear the friend will be offended.  ((I so need to work on patience and not say shut up 6594 times))
Having your 2 littles play with no bickering...quietly and be appropriate.
Laugh (or puke) till you want to pass out.
Having your friend take your son so you can go to a fancy dinner with your husband for his conference he was attending.
It is moments like these that I hope to hold onto. To remember during the dark and dreary times.  That others get 'me' and likewise.
To Annon whom I know reads both my blog and my friends...we are onto where you are from.  Our children are happy, attached, and doing well. Despite your know it all attitude...
So help me God if you feel the need to tell either one of us we should have never had children or adopted again...I will pay for the upgraded ISP tracking service and not only know with in a mile of where you are but your actual address!!  I have no patience for bullshit like yours.  It is people like you who give mental illness of all kinds a bad name! 

Update: Obviously, someone was a tad paranoid.  Still didn't hide your info.  Just told me that you attempted to hide your info.

Friday, February 17, 2012

It is Friday

For that I can be thankful!!
Usually Friday is my Thursday.
Not today.
As an added bonus I am only working those morning.


For whatever I care not to go into details right now...I prefer to stay on a lower dose of lamictal.  Last night my dh asked me what dose I was taking.  Suggested maybe it was time to up it to the next dose...(I was supposed to do that 2 weeks ago).   Contrary to my inner desires...I took the higher dos this am.

Thursday, February 16, 2012


I find it very interesting the whole 'ISP' tracking.

I have someone who reads my blog sometimes several times a day..based on where the 2 different ISP are coming from..the same town/state/country....I have put 2 and 2 together and now I know where this person works.  Either that or the Dept of Foreign Affairs finds this piddly blog interesting.  I would gather not so much on the interesting part.  I am curious if IPhone us is not allowed af work or what the deal is.

Im being snarky ...I know ..and truthful be told...I am always snarky.

I also have a local reader (or two).  whom I am 99% sure I know who it is.  Even though the ISP is always somewhat different....the search terms are always the same.  Telling me it is the same person.

I find the whole ttechnical computer stuff interesting..I may just take up computers.

Ahem ..4 hours

Often I got to the end of my work day by piece by piece!  Literally !

I have just ~4 hours left in my work week.  Thank God!  Seriously , I am so sick of people I could puke .  There is nothing glamour filled abi spending 12+ hrs in a car with my husband and son....oh but the pay off is so worth it.

I do believe that a piece of this depression cycle is the pure need for a break.  With a mini vacation.  The re fill your cup kind of vacation.  I need this with my family , too.

It is my hope and prayer the time we have those weekend (sans my daughter she is staying home with my friend who was going to dog sit for us), the time spent in Orlando with dear friends..old and new...mixed with some other stuff (self care and Dr related)...there will be a shift.  A much needed shift.

My B12 is low...again.  I will get a shot this weekend and will be due again on 2 weeks as an added booster.  I don't give myself shots so I will need to remember to have my dh give it to me when I get back from Orlando.  He said take it with and do it myself...uh I know myself I won't.

My Vitamin D is good!!  which made ms feel good this morning when I read that.  My ferriten and TIBC are fair.  Not where it should be.  But not horrific.  So hopefully getting the B12 along with other stuff back on track will help.

No Title Today

Can I ask for some prayers or good vibes or whtvr sent my way.

Trying to process a emotionally, non judgemental manner.  It's not going so smashingly well.

A topic in therapy has been *doing* something with my anger...that is healthy emotionally and physically safe.

I have adamantly been against the ideas J* has offered.  They have not *seemed safe or productive* in my beliefs.  More so, somewhat trigger filled. 

I've been home alone a lot this week. Had the opportunity and decided to have a little faith that these suggestions would be helpful.

Not so much!!!

Holy Batman hell!!

I am going on very little sleep.  Insomnia and my job not so good mixed together.  Im struggling to find a ance and not slide backwards.  That light that flickered on..damn it's off.

I am tired of faking it till I make it.  Im not faking so well today.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


Portrait taken during Senior Portrait Session at the local Botancial Garden

Somedays all you can do is keep it simple ...
.... today would be one of those days.

I'm not a Hallmark fan. I dont' get overly excited about flowers or crap like that.  My son has developed a rather significant/severe allergy to mold that is found commonly in household plants/fruit.  We are making an special effort to NOT have any sort of houseplant or flowers in our home.  We do have a cactus that will be finding a new home soon.  Therefore, there is no special "flowers"...they die anyway.  I mentioned....I'm not a big fan of the holiday. 

A simple..."I Love You" and making a point to spend quality time together is all I ask.  I did not buy a card. I did not buy my husband a gift.  He actually bought his own gift. I called him while he was at Ace Hardware last night and said "uh...pick up that tool box you wanted...."  That is how we roll!


My kids often count "how many sleeps" to something they are excited or happy about doing.  After tonight....I have 2 more sleeps.  Then I get so see my dear sweeet friend S* and her family.  I don't care about seeing her family. (No offense S* meant).  I just am so blessed and excited to hear her person.  Her smile.  Her laugh.  Her awesome hugs.  Simple things!  That mean the world to me.

I've lost track (or I've tried to not think about it bc I'm excited and nervous and well.....I will leave it at that) but after these few 'sleeps' will be less than 12-13 sleeps and I will get to hug, kiss, love on her...and vise versa again....with a few other of my dear sweet trauma momma friends.  I need this time to refuel my cup...and so does everyone of the 89 other woman who will join us...and the 7 other woman that I will share a house with for 3 days.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Umm...I can't resist

This picture isn't a very nice one.

I know that.

I, also know...first is so very true.

Sunday, February 12, 2012


Stormy Skies on a Summer Night 2010
Stormy skies can have a bit of everything....anything from down right scary to peaceful moments all in one.  This is somewhat where I'm at. 

The above portrait was taken on a rather scary and yet peaceful summer night in 2010.  Less than 5 miles from where this portrait was taken (our backyard) there were a few different tornados touching down at that very moment.  The tornado sirens had been going off for several hours.

I'm finding myself in between these days.  There are rather stormy internal tornados whirling w/in my thoughts.  Amping up my anxiety, depression and hopelessness.  There are moments of peace and calm as I continue to use the tools that i know that help.  Then there are moments of both - peace and calm and turmoil. 

I struggle with finding balance and peace all in one.  One of my best also one of my biggest triggers.  Actually, two of my best friends are both my biggest triggers.

One of them...I'm unable to distance myself from.  There is only so much you can distance yourself from your mother. 

I've set boundries. I know that discussing my struggle with depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation is something that is not healthy for me.  Nor her.  I know that her comments regarding the issue only fuel my depression and hopeless thoughts.  Therefore, I don't discuss it w/her.

It is on rare occasion that I bring up my birth father's family.  I'm really struggling with many issues that are surrounding my birth father.  Having the negative comments regarding his family is rather tough.  Often, as in today, they don't sit well.  Using the tools and such that I know can be helpful is not something in my radar.  Sleeping and staying in bed is...  My issues w/church, the priesthood, and so much more....are wrapped up in this very storm.  If I would be one of those days!

The storm continues to rage....and just when I think I have it under control...I don't.

God Be With You

...till we meet again.

Last night surrounded by her family my Great Grandmother gained her wings and flew to her Heavenly Home.

A beautiful woman and soul.  There is no doubt in my mind she when greeted by her Father in Heaven she was serenaded by Heavenly Angels.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Backward Baby Steps

As another trauma momma wrote to me yesterday 'baby steps tiny fucking baby steps'.

Holy crap is that ever the truth.  This morning I woke up with such intense anxiety / dark thinking.  I truthfully don't get it.  Frustrating.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Salon Therapy

What a conversation I (husband and friend mostly)  had while I was at the salon today.

My husband and friend met me there.  She asked him what he been up to.  He told her he had a therapy appt.  She laughed and said me, too.  Then my dh and friend discussed the fact they saw the same person.  My gal doing my hair pipes in and said " oh I know her....mine 2 before I switched insurances".  Then the other stylist pipes in.  For nearly 30 minutes the 4 of them discussed this topic.

I love the gal who does my hair.  First thing she said to me today was "your hair is different....wht new meds are you on?"  I say none...none at all.  Very low dose of lamictal.  We discuss how higher dose makes my hair fall out.  She wonders if even the low dose is an issue since it is much finer than before.  UGH. It is what it is and it is crucial I remain on a low dose...I so can't go back to that place.  It is the closest I have become to throwing in the towel in several years. 

Days like today, feel somewhat scarier than the really dark days.  Getting a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes causes more anxiety as I fear going backwards again. 

I'm writing this on my phone and my battery is going to die.  So enuf of the purging thoughts for tonight.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Band Marches On

Up and down and all over the map. 

The band marches on. 
The battle continues to rage.

Somedays going threw the motions is all you can do. 

Today would be one of those days. 

My blood pressure is never high.  Ever.  I'm overweight.  I've weighed more than I do now and still my blood pressure was on the low end.

I've been seen by Ortho 2 times this week.
My blood pressure was high for me. 

I thought it was because of anxiety and the nature of the appointment.  When I spoke to the PA and then my mom this evening they both said the same thing.  "** this number is an indication to us of pain."  Anxiety does/can play a role in it.  However,  given the amount of pain I was in it makes sense.

I got a cortisone injection. 
I got the PA to hear me and now I wait and see if work comp will re-open my case w/o hassles.

I'm not hopeful.  The initial dr. I saw earlier in the week told me that this company are "known for being assholes".  His words not mine.

And so...I willl continue to sit and wait.  There is a blessing in disguise...I had this afternoon and tmw off due to the injection.  I will take the much needed break for now.

There has been a shift so-to-speak in the downward spiral of depression that continues to loom.  Even though it is still there...there are moments of relief.  For right now I am trying to take those moments for what they are worth.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

You Are Not Alone

This is a common theme amongst many in the adoption, disruption, mental health, medical world.  There is always someone somewhere that can relate to whatever it is you might be dealing with.

It was the theme in Orlando 2011 for the trauma mommas.  

Yet, regardless of knowing these things it can often feel as if you add truly alone.

I know I am not alone in this plight...yet day to day..ones such  as today...I AM Alone!

My husband, friends, close family who do know...are just as weary of this as I am.

There is nothing I want more than to be rid of the constant battle and whirlwind.

I wish it was as easy as my husband believes it should be.  Dear Lord, do I ever.  I would havd a fon of sick days built uo and have no need to 'use' my vacation as sick leave.  If it was as he often believes damn I wouldnt be missing work unpaid.

I wish if was as easy as my therapist makes it sound.

And matter what anyone tells me....I am alone.

Monday, February 6, 2012

~What WLS Didn't Do~

This has been a very tough post for me to write.  The thoughts, feelings, swirling has been more than I care to admit.  This post is for me more than it is for anyone else.  If you happen to get something out of it; great.  If not, as I is more for me more than anyone else. I hope and pray that one day I can look back and have the same thoughts/feelings that the young lady I will link to in this post has about herself.


A fellow blogger and trauma momma wrote a blog post today that didn't settle so well with me.  Let me be sure to point out....I love her post. I think it is awesome on all LEVELS.  It just didn't sit well w/in my own personal self....thus the reason for this post.  Over the last several hours, I've started to email Christine and then deleted it.  I've started this blog post and then deleted it.  Rinse and repeat about 20 times. 

Yet everytime I go back and read her post, I get something different from it.  Something that hits a very raw wound with in myself.  I try very hard to not think of myself as broken.  The broken mantra has been brought up in therapy several times.  Often J* tell me she thinks that I have this mindset.  Often I think to myself she must be crazy because I've never made this comment to her; nor do I think about it.  I understand where she is coming from in her theme with this.  Yet, when I read this blog post I can't help but think and feel broken. 

When I had gastric bypass 7.5 years ago, they gave me all the tools that I needed to loose weight.  I had nutritional appts, psych appts, surgical appts,  group support, and all that jazz.  I attended every single support group meeting AND was a SPEAKER at several of them over the course of a 2-3 year span of time pre and post op.    Sure, I was given the tools to keep the weight off, kind of.  What was never addressed was how I went from being 135 lbs to 330 lbs. And when I went back down to 145 lbs....everyone freeked the hell out!!  I was dx with anorexia.  I was hospitalized for anorexia.  It wasn't until that low point in my life....was anything EVER addressed in the realms of how I went from 135 lbs to 330 lbs to 140 lbs.  The tools at that point were to medicate me.  And that began an even larger battle...a 5-6 year battle.  I'm no longer 140 lbs.  I've gained a ton of weight back.  The negative self-dislike (hate) for my body is off the charts.

I learned from this experience it was better to stuff those things that got me to 330 lbs.  My current battle with my self esteem is as raw and broken as it ever has been.  There, I said it...broken!  You can say distorted or whatever you wish. 

Telling myself:  The truth is: you are sexy.
By: really stinking hard.  It is all I can do to be present and accepting of my body during a massage let alone feel sexy or anything else.  I dont' look at myself in the mirror other than to blow my hair dry. Having sex repulses me on so many different levels (some abuse related and some pure self hate for my own body).  I can't tell you the last time I looked at my butt.  Dear Lord, taking a picture of my butt...just thinking about it makes me physically ill. 

I've rambled. I know that this post is all over the place.  The moral of the story (remember this is for me) is:  Trauma sucks, abuse sucks, I know first hand how loosing weight will not change the the disorted (broken), stinking thinking.  OI!  Do I ever. 

I also is high time that the issues need to be addressed.  I've attempted to change my thoughts around Christine's theme of Sexuary.  My dh and I've had several conversations over the last few weeks on this very topic.  And it all comes back to the core issues at hand.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Freak Out and Throw Shit what happened here tonight. 

The aftermath 'for me' isn't always pretty.  What is these days.  The guilt that I was unable to keep it from my children is to much to bare.

It has been several months since I have had a meltdown of epic proportions like this evening.

My children deserve better.  Regardless of how much I try, I'm failing.  Why continue trying?  I see no sense in it.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Breaking the Cycle

Something has to give. 

I'm a firm believer in comfort and healing blessings.  However, I struggle with asking.

Tonight our Bishop sent my dh a text asking if I would like a blessing.  He will be here in a little bit.  Embarrassed because I have not showered or done anything to myself.  The mere fact I left my house w/o showering and went to the big box computer store....tells you something.  A friend called and said meet me for lunch.  She said "** did you brush your hair today?  Don't mean to be rude or mean but you do look rough."  No I didn't brush it. I wet my hands and put them threw must hair and left.

It has been many years since I've had a blessing.  It is needed. Praying for a break.   Anything.

In One Voice Pledge: Kevin Bieksa

Yesterday there was a ray of light. Albeit was there. Today, not so much. As in REALLY not so much.

If the day didn't start off on a bad note. It has went from bad to worse over the last hour since I finally did get out of bed.

I have phone calls to make. Things to do. And I can't seem to do them. I did not wake up (or get up) to go to work this morning. In 3 1/2 years of being employed at this place I"ve never overslept. I've received one late-out and it was because I was in a bad space and unable to pull myself together enough to leave my house. Today was no different.

I spent majority of the night awake. My head spinning in multiple directions. From "I need to do this. To I can't do anything right so why bother. Fear and failure clouded my thinking and when I finally did fall was a deep hard crash. As in REALLY HARD crash.

And then ended up sleeping right thru 2 alarms. I needed the sleep. I really did. I also can't afford to miss work. Yet, here I am....w/o work today.

I'm trying hard to find something that can be worthwhile and meaningful this morning. Every corner I turn, I end up falling right back down.

When I rolled out of bed "for good" about 9:30-9:45am, I decided I would finish my taxes. I remembered some receipts that I had not entered initially and believed it would fix the "you owe" portion of our taxes. My computer will not turn on. The lights flash. It stays flashing. Screen blank. Damn!

It just keeps getting better and better....


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Flicker of Light

There is a very small light flickering that has peeked into the darkness today.  Not very much.  Just enough to remind me that there is hope and healing.

I hurt my shoulder.  Again.  Suck.  There was an incident at work last night that 'made it worse'.  I've been struggling with constant pain over the last few weeks, not just in my shoulder.  This morning was rough.  Really rough.

I had emailed my massage therapist last night asking about any openings this week.  She touched base w/my husband this morning and worked me into her schedule today.  I made it very clear that I was in no space to do body work.  Very light body work, maybe. But nothing intense or close to it.  Just plain..."I need to feel better".  I left with my shoulder feeling 10x's lighter.  Thank Heaven.  I took the afternoon off of work and just plain focused on....being present!!  This was an area that was hard for me this morning during my massage. Pain usually triggers a 'check out' response.  With H* help and constant reminders there wasn't much of that happening.  Actually, I think one or two times she noticed that I had checked out and gently brought me back to a place of breathing into the pain and not shutting down. 

I attempted to remind myself of the wonderful woman I will be surrounded in March.  This time can not come soon enough. 

As I said in the title....there is a very small light flickering.  It is every so tiny.  It is there. 


I've been reminded in a rather subtle manner...what true really about.  For nearly 18 years, my BFF and I have told each other everything.  We've been through some pretty deep shit together.  She almost died.  I nursed her newborn son while she was in a drug induced comma for 4 weeks, followed by a 4 month hospital stay.  I did not nurse him the entire 4 months. Just in the beginning and then pumped milk till he was fully weaned off and on a special formula. We've seen tough times together.  And yet, as I have swam against the current, so-to-speak, the last few months...and the last month specifically AND the last week...she has been no where to be found.

I'm hurt.  Beyond hurt to be honest.  I've thought this over many times over the last few days.  Telling myself that I can't expect her to be supportive, loving, and there fore me.....if I dont' tell her what is going on.  Yet, I know she knows.  I've heard my husband on his phone.. said "She's not doing well right now.  She's in bed.  She's went to work and come home and went back to bed.  She says to text her...she will return text.  She can't talk to anyone right now.... blah blah blah"  I've heard these conversations.  I know he has had phone calls from her and I know he has told her to send me FB private messages or txt message. 

Just a lil' vent.

I've stepped out of my comfort zone and spoke to another trauma momma regarding some pretty heavy stuff.  And...I've not fallen apart.  I'm hear. I heard her.  I think she needs to become LSW in my home state and start taking my insurance and work side-by-side with my therapist.  I *HEART* this woman.  I can't wait to kiss her....ONE month baby....ONE MONTH!!

No Words...

...just music. 

I'm pretty sure I've posted this video before.  Every time I hear the lyrics of this song it means something different to me.  Tonight would be no different.

It's a restless, sleepless, painful night for me.  I've taken some pain medication that I never ever take. And in the last 7.5 yrs, I can count on one hand how many times I've taken it.  It is listed as an allergy and needs to not be taken.  Sometimes, you do what you gotta do...and...tonight if taking nsaids will help w/the constant pain in my neck, shoulders and back...then dang it all I'm taking it.  (It hasn't helped yet and it has been 3 hours.) I know I need to be careful and I will. I have enough stomach issues w/o making it worse.