I find myself not being able to pinpoint what seems to be triggering me. Most of the time it takes a day or two to really notice.
Not yesterday...I knew from the moment I walked into church that I was being set off. It wasn't just one thing it was several. A few little things. And one HUGE thing. Actually, I could say two huge things. However, one of those things ended up taking away 'from staying in the present' and throwing me into a tailspin. It was a fast downward spiral. That ended with me coming home from church and going to bed. Turning on the heated mattress pad (bc I 'cope' with heat and I couldn't take a hot shower and be in bed at the time) and going to bed...for several hours.
I can't even say "it is like the lights flicked off and I was in a horrible mood, snapping at everyone, anxiety ridden, blah blah blah." I knew immediately.
I've not posted to much about our child we adopted and then disrupted handful of years later....on this blog. I do have a blog that I've journaled most of our journey. If you would like the link to that please leave a comment. It is not a 'semi-private blog' and has names on it unlike this blog. I've not posted a great deal about the amount of grief, guilt, shame, PTSD, fear, and everything else that comes along with this situation.
We received a document from the Ward Clerk that gave all info the church has on file for our family. Everytime we are given this document we have asked to have our son C*, whom is no longer our son, removed from the roles of the church as our son. He is no longer our child. I do not want him listed as our child. Our last ward clerk removed C* from the local ward and stake directory. However, it wasn't removed from the Records of the Church.
As we sat in the Chapel yesterday morning and I read C*'s name and birthdate listed under our "Children" my heart sank. It sank in a way that I can't even describe.
I turned to my dh and said "WHY is his name still listed?"
He said "I dont' know. I've asked and no one can seem to tell me. I think it has to do with the fact he was Sealed to us in the temple."
I said "I want his name off the records of our family. It is bad enough he has your phone number. It is
bad enough that his foster mom has your address. It is bad enough that he is a damn smart child and he could find us if he wanted to. We don't have a house phone primarly because he is old enough to try and track us if he wanted to buy a house phone. I want his name off of this document. HE is NOT my child. I don't care if we were sealed....I don't care what Church policy and procedure.....I don't care....."
He interrupted and said "I will try and take care of it. I already talked to the Bishop and he said he doesn't know why it keeps showing up. I will ask him again.....but I can't make promises".
I got up and went back and spoke to a family that I know has served in Stake Presidency in the past. "Brother N* can you tell me how to remove a child from this document?"
"Did the child die? Even if the child died..he will still be on there. You were sealed to him. He will forever be your child." I'm pretty sure the look on my face was a bit worrisome.
I responded with "he needs to be removed and I need to know how to have it taken off of here..." And I went back to sit w/my family.
After Sacrament this family approached my husband. C* was removed from the computer 100% as being listed as our child. I have no clue what will happen at Church Head Quarters in Salt Lake. I'm hoping and praying this matter is fixed.
My husband came to me while I was sitting in the foyer and said "C* was removed. He should never be able to track us based on the records of the church."
I hope so....because today...I'm still struggling. My head is still spinning. I've cried more tears of grief, guilt and pain in the last 24 hrs than I have over this situation in a very long time.
And PTSD sucks!! I slept for sh*t last night. I woke up several times covered in sweat and unable to breathe seeing his face at my front door. Did I say PTSD FRIGGING SUCKS? I want to crawl in bed and not get up. I want to cover my head and sleep this away. Today is one of those days where working....didn't serve me very well...as the day lingered on irrational worthless thoughts continued to work their way into my head and take up space...lots of space!!
Every young blonde college student that I have encounter with...I think of C*. What he missed. What he will miss. What I missed. What I will miss. And it sucks.