Healing through Storytelling

Please check out Wanderlust Writes blog.  Click on THIS link to check out the "Healing through Storytelling" portion of her blog. I got notification today she added my blog to the Mental Health portion of this section.  I know there are several other blogs (and readers) who would be wonderful assets to be added to her blog roll.  Check it out.

~Up to Her Neck in Shite~

Would you go spread some love to Martha Steward Doesn't Live Here? She's up to her neck in shit right now.  Living life with a teen, an ex, twinado toddlers (whom we all know are always full of shit), and a spouse that is deployed overseas at the moments.  Who wouldn't be up to their neck in shit. Hell, I feel that way most days and I don't even have 1/2 the plate that she does.

Check her out on FB, too...you can click right HERE and it will take you to her FB page!!

We all need a pick me up from time to time.  Hell, every damn day I need a pick me up it seems.

Liebster Award ~ Spreading the Love

I've been around the blogging world for several years. I've read hundreds of different blogs. I have 2 other blogs that I used to write religiously on over the last several years.  One of them is the journal of our disruption and the aftermath/grief that followed.  When I decided to open this blog I didn't believe I would ever share it with anyone other than my therapist and maybe a few other people.  I never envisioned I would have any readers.  And blog awards...well hells bells they were not even in the realm of my perspective.  I wasn't doing this for other people. I wasn't really doing it for support.  I was doing it for me.  So when The Plucky Procrastinator nominated me for the Liebster Award I was more than shocked.  Thank you darling for your sweet words and nomination.  When I read her blog post on Friday afternoon it didn't hit me that she nominated me until about an hour or so later when I got a message on FB telling me she had nominated me. Of course, I had to re-read her blog post and think to myself "duh...I just read that and didn't catch it."

As with all blog awards there is a song and dance to follow.  So here is my song and dance.  Just so you know...I don't dance very well. I will try to follow perfectly..often though...I fall.  Just so you know.

How the Liebster Blog Award works:

1. Thank your Liebster Blog Award presenter on your blog.
2. Link back to the blogger who presented the award to you.  
3. Copy and paste the blog award on your blog.
4. Present the Liebster Blog Award to 5  blogs who you feel deserve to be noticed.
5. Let them know they have been chosen by leaving a comment at their blog.
   6. Jump on one foot.
   7. Type a sentence one handed.
   8. Tell the small dog named after a Country Western icon to move because your foot is asleep and you need to jump on it to follow #6.
   9. Go put on deodorant.  Just in case things get steamy.

Never in a million years did I believe or even think that blogging or reading blogs would have brought me the friendship, support, and guidance I've found. I believe many of you who've been around a while and who are 'part' of this same group know about the ETAAM Trauma Mom's.  The Plucky Procrastinator is new to blogging.  I came across her sweet blog about 1-2 posts into her venture.  I love her humor.  She's brutally honest. Been effected by suicide in a different manner than myself.  She's taken her grief, pain, experience, ect ect...and been such a sweet support. I've seen the love and understanding she's poured out to several different bloggers over the last few weeks and what a blessing she has been/is to those around her.  Thank you for nominating me for this award. You have no clue how hard it is for me to turn around and stick with 5...I might break the dance and 'go over that'.  Just sayin'.  Oh' and I almost forgot..she's got a FB page where she shares her wit, humor, love, and all around fun self with the world.  Check out her FB page HERE..and then LIKE it.  And tell her that "I" sent you (don't use my first name please...I do have a rule about using my first name..you all knew that, right?

Okay...on to my nominations.  This is hard for me.  REALLY HARD.  I've tried to decide if I should mix this up between adoption and trauma or depression/trauma.  And I just can't stinking decide.  So here goes it. I'm not good at following rules, remember?

My Group Therapy - a few months ago I came across her FB page and fell in love w/her instantly.  Her blog is a little quieter than some (aka: mine).  However, it is just as good.  I love her ability to stand up to her mom and set the boundaries for her and her family.  As hard as it is....she's doing it little by little. Keep your chin up, girlie!!

Where the Sanity Ends - This gal (I'm assuming it's a she...) is somewhat new to blogging.  She roped me in with one of her first posts and has continued.  Having been hospitalized just a few times...I believe very strongly she needs to keep her humor.  With that humor she will end up being right next to one of her patients.  As she writes in her blog header: "Psychology is much more than a pill and an "easy fix!"  Boy did she hit the nail on the head with that one.  If it was ....well I wouldn't be writing this blog.  Check out her FB page.

Razorblade Brain - hot damn this momma has got it rocking.  She's on the road to healing (or has found her place in healing I should say) and is sharing it with the world.  Raw. Heavy.  Hard to swallow.  She's putting it out there.  A-Z.  I keep wanting to ask her what the hell she is gonna do when she gets to Z.  I will defiantly miss her if she stops at Z!!  Check out her FB page HERE.

Ain't That Sherific - Oh dear Lord this lady started out as just another blog that I followed.  Not religiously.  Not anything other than click here and there.  She has another blog, too.  But it has been quiet.  I think that quiet means good...or maybe not...I hope it wasn't a specific troll.  Regardless, I love her to pieces.  She is no longer just another blog.  She's seen me neked...she's helped me get dressed...she's hugged me when I didn't think I could stand up any longer....she's loved on me when I really didn't deserve to be loved....she's been a true BFF.  It sucks giant donkey balls she has to live so freeking far away.  She doesn't listen very well...just so you know...I've told her MANY a-times she needs to relocate to my home state.  I wish she would listen to me. Life would be so much easier if she would listen.  Well, maybe not easier...but it would just be all around easier to handle some days.  I love me some Sherific Sheri.  (psss....go on over to her blog and tell her she really needs to create a FB page!!  Because I know she has all sorts of awesomeness underneath her sweet smile and awesome laugh!!

Adopting Special Needs: This lady is like a 'long distance' mom.  She really is my "mom" for a few days in March when I join 8 other trauma moms and we rent a villa....she's our mom.  She's parenting a 2nd family via adoption (first was via adoption, too...just older).  Her struggles w/one of her adopted dd's has been quite tough over the last few several months/year.  In fact, so much so that I often worry about her.  Recently she wrote a blog post mentioning hair.  Blog trolls have came out in full force. I've not read the responses. Probably best.  What i know is...when our Foster Daughter came to us a few yrs ago her hair wasn't dealt with at all.  Her adoptive mom didn't have the energy to barely shower herself let alone do her African American dd's hair.  And bc the child raged more than she didn't...it wasn't an option.  I get being on both sides of the coin what that hair issue is all about.  If it means that Hope's hair flings all over than so be it.  If Hope can let her mom love on her by doing her hair than awesome.  But right now getting to the end of the day is more important.  I wish it was march....then I could see her again.


Again, I want to thank The Plucky Procrastinator for nominating me.  There are many other blogs I would love to list here.  Some of them are on my side bar --- go check them out.

As for the typing one handed...well most of the last 7 weeks after my shoulder surgery..that is what I've been doing.

As for hopping on one foot...ah' no. I need my feet. I can't afford to fall over and hurt my good shoulder. Good try.

As for being all stinky and needing deodorant....yep I've not showered or gotten dressed today and it is 5pm. I am headed to the shower when I'm done with this post.

Have a great evening!

My 1st Blog Award

I can't remember the last time I saw a blog award on someones blog.  On this particular blog, I've never received an award.  I read earlier in the week that My Group Therapy was nominated for a blog award on her FB page.  And never in a million years did it occur to me she would award turn around and nominate this blog.  I will be honest, earlier in the week when she gave a shout out to my blog on her FB page I freaked a little.

When I started this blog 313 posts ago back on 1/11/11.....it was not in my radar that I would actually share this blog with anyone.  Serious as a heart attack.  It was just a way for me to put in front of me some of the things that swirled around. It was a way for me to see the ups and downs.  To try and embrace the good with the bad and the bad with the good.  It was a way for me to just see me...as I was...by writing it out. 

There are a couple things I'm supposed to do upon the receipt of this award:

1) Thank and link back the awarding blog
2) Answer 7 questions
3) Provide 10 random facts about yourself
4) Award 7 other deserving bloggers
1) What is your favorite song?  I love ADELE and PINK.  These 2 ladies are the 2 that I listen to EVERY SINGLE DAY. Often several times a day.  At this MOMENT...my favorite is this beauty.  I can't sing.  But on Sunday....when I was in the midst of a meltdown and spent nearly 45 minutes in the shower....this song came on the radio in our room/bedroom and as I sobbed...I sang to it. I needed to hear it at that very moment.  We are all Firework's!!




2) What is your favorite dessert?  I love all deserts who are you kidding!!  Favorite...at the moment....my Grandma's CHEESECAKE.  It isn't the traditional cheesecake you will buy in the stores. Nope. It's better.  My grandma passed away a few years ago.  I miss her. I love her cheesecake and I wish she was hear to make it for me.

3) What do you do when you are upset? Vent, drink LOTS of ice cold diet soda, eat shitty food that only makes me feel even more shitty, veg out on the computer, snap at my husband/kids and then feel guilty in return. 

4) What is your favorite pet?  Max.  My 5 yr old Pug.  He is gentle.  He is kind.  He is serene.  He is my friend.  He knows when I'm not doing well.  He allows our 10 month old pain in the ass "other pug" to pound the heck out of him.  He's just a fat gentle giant.
5) Which do you prefer, White or Wheat? White.  Sour dough to be honest.

6) What is your biggest fear? The same as My Group Therapy -- failing. 
7) What is your attitude mostly?   Snarky and sarcastic.  Always!

10 Random Facts:

1) I've never had a drink of wine or any alcoholic beverage in my life.  Ever. Many days I think about it.  Think that today is the day that I fell of the bandwagon.

2) I've never smoked a cigarette, did any drugs, or anything illegal.  I wouldn't know what marijuana looked like if it was in front of my face.  Same thing with cocaine or any other drug.

3)Infertility testing revealed that my body was allergic to sperm.  Causing an antibody to be created to kill sperm.  The very last time I was seen for infertility consult/testing the  specialist confirmed what the 2 previous infertility specialist had told me.  Little did he or I know at that specific appt...I was pregnant for my daughter.

4) Both of my children were born via C-Section. I did not want to labor w/my oldest.  I had labored prematurely for 8 weeks prior to her birth.  I knew she would not be born naturally.  She was born via emergency c-section.  If she would have proceeded to drop into the birth canal she would have been still born.  Today was her last day of 7th grade. 

5) I was very disappointed I was told by my OB w/my 2nd child that I had to have a C-Section.  I spent several weeks trying to talk him into allowing me to attempt a natural birth.  He refused.  I left the hospital after his birth 1 day early and went shopping. I felt 10x's better than when I went in.  I do not regret having a 2nd c-section.

6) Just like My Group Therapy; I have a rather shy/quiet side.  It's hard to believe, I know. 

7) I have an addiction to Diet Cherry Pepsi.

8) I'm having a hell of a time coming up with 10 random facts.

9) I really do hate coming up with random facts.

10) I want to go on a cruise for my 40th bd.  Which is the same year as my 20th wedding anniversary.


7 Other Blogs to Award...serious...I don't know if I can keep it to 7 blogs.  I will try. Very very hard.

Truth is Powerful and it Prevails The stars collide when the two of us are together.  Just over a year ago I was introduced to who this special person in my life today.  NEVER in a million years did I imagine I would find a true BFF by blogging.  EVER.  I had read her blog.  Never commented.  Always thought "wow" she could be my sister.  And we may not be sisters by blood.  But we are definite sisters by friendship.  Her battle with OCD and depression often mimics the same road I've walked.  I'm fortunate to have many Trauma Momma/Soul Sisters in my life.  This particular friendship was orchestrated by a being much higher than I am.

A Depressed Mormon Mommy - love her honesty and her special spirit. She's honest, upbeat and tells it like it is.

Mommy Needs Therapy or a Bottle of Wine - I've been reading this blog for a long time.  Last year when I was in Orlando and realized who this person was I nearly died.  Every.Single.Picture of the two of us from 2011 - we were crying.  Happy tears.  I catapulted my fat ass in the back of that mini-van after our massage/spa treatments so that I could just soak up her love, sweet spirit, and everything about her that is soooo wonderful.  In 2012...I had the privs of being in her villa.  And in 2013.....we will grow that bond even larger.

Adopting Special Needs - Yet, another trauma momma/soul sister.  Only this lady is a true blue Mom in every way there is.  I had never read her blog or even knew who she was before going to Orlando last year.  Sure seen her name in our private FB group.  However, I did not put 2 and 2 together.  I knew from the moment I met her in the mini van on the way to our spa treatments...I would love her.  And I've never looked back.  She's been a great support emotionally.  During the roughest of times (current) w/her darling little spitfire Hope - she always has love and support to offer.  She was my house mom in 2102 and I'm sooo blessed to have her be my house mom (and MY adoptive mom from afar) again in 2013.  I love you GB's Mom!!

Depressed LDS Woman - This young lady is a pilar of strength.  She's walking a tough road right now.  I miss reading her blog posts.

Depression Marathon - I've been reading Etta's blog for a few years.  Maybe not that long but it sure feels like it.  I have been inspired and continue to be by her strength and determination to run her way thru depression.  She fights this battle with her head high even when her head would much rather be down.  One of these days I will put on my sneakers and run to the end of the block and back.  And then some. 

Random Rambling of a SAHM - Bold.  Direct.  Honest.  Grief Stricken. Inspiring.  Are just a few of the things that describe this young lady.  Her determination to let the world know how suicide is ugly.  How it kills your soul.  How being the window of your bff who decided to end his life in front of you....how fucked up that is.  And...yet every day she gets back up again...and again...and again.  Damn it all....I've read some raw posts on days when it was all I could do not to drown my own pain and grief and end it all right there.  I found her blog the day or two before her dh took his life by a random search for something I don't even remember.   Little did I know then this young petite Aussie woman would be a pillar of strength behind a computer/phone screen....1/2 a world away.

UPDATED bc I didn't have the link before but NOW I do...
The Short Bus - Another Trauma Momma/Soul Sister who I related to on so many different levels.  Little did I know last year "who" this sweet and gentle heart was.  And this year, 2012...well i just did not get to spend time w/her.  I promise next year...we will!!  I hope and pray she returns w/the rest of us.

I could go on.  But I won't. It's late. I need to go to bed.

Tapping with Brad Yates

Not much I can really say about this right now.
Overwhelmed is an understatement.
This week has been tough...hell when is it not tough.

Traditional medicine isn't helping.
Medication isn't helping.

As a friend mentioned in a private FB group she was rebelling the concept of tapping.  I've continued to rebel.

I know why I've rebelled and I really dont' care to say why.  I guess its a bit personal.

I did take this from the conference call tonight.  It isn't easy to hear.  It is harder to repeat to myself.

Even though I feel this despair, I choose to deeply and completely love, honor and accept myself ... and my kids ... and anyone else who might be involved in this." - tapping session with Brad Yates

Melding our worlds!

Top of the World  (click link to read)
Love this blog post.  Simple.  Very simple.  Explains so much yet in such an eloquent and simple way.
Unless you have lived a day ....a week...a month in this life you have no clue.
It isn't always just a choice.  It isn't always just a medication.  It isn't always just as easy as it often seems from the outside looking in.  Choosing to live vs give up....it SHOULD be an easy choice.  It isn't.  And fuck if you have NEVER had that struggle than you have no idea how damn lonely...isolating it is.

Melding our worlds sounds awesome to me.

Just Some Thoughts...

...for a Monday evening.

***I am not returning to work tmw.  Or the next.  Or the next day.  That's okay.  It will be okay unless I get slack from Work Comp.  Then...it will be really NOT OKAY.  Until then....I will just go on the premise that I KNOW that I got hurt (again) at work.  And the video will prove it. 

***Since I was at my appt. last week I've lost a few lbs.  Nothing to go writting home to mom about..but some.  I've not cut out the diet soda I drink.  Nor am I at this point.  Another Soul Sister commented to my friend S* on FB and said "I am certain I am not fat because I drink coffee." And that my friends....or should say lukers...is my entire belief.  Sure it does not help.  However, it isn't the reason.  I had another friend try telling me today that I need to stop drinking it.  She can stop drinking it and I will praise her.   My first "real attempt" at making something "somewhat on the vegan aspect" was a huge flop. 

***I posted this picture on FB this morning.  It is a great one by Greg Smith. I love it. Sometime this week I will sit down and creat my "Blessing Tree".  I encourage you to do the same.  Feel free to share it with me.  I would love to see the differences in everyones "Blessing Tree's".

***This evening as my son and I were coming home from a therapy appt we had a rather interesting discussion.  Or so I thought.  We spent the last 3 miles telling each other what we "thought the other person was good at".  My son told me some things that I can laugh at...yet its a tender spot in my heart.  I started this blog post with intentions on sharing them.  I have since decided to not share them because well.....even though my son thought he was telling me "good things"...they really are a reflection of how my son sees me.  And even though it might seem funny.  Deep down...it really isn't. 

***I'm headed to bed early...bc well I 'broke' the rules of the 'healthier' eating plan and think I'm going to be sick.  Taking a hot shower and going to bed seem like good ideas to me right now.

~What WLS Didn't Do~

This has been a very tough post for me to write.  The thoughts, feelings, swirling has been more than I care to admit.  This post is for me more than it is for anyone else.  If you happen to get something out of it; great.  If not, as I said...it is more for me more than anyone else. I hope and pray that one day I can look back and have the same thoughts/feelings that the young lady I will link to in this post has about herself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A fellow blogger and trauma momma wrote a blog post today that didn't settle so well with me.  Let me be sure to point out....I love her post. I think it is awesome on all LEVELS.  It just didn't sit well w/in my own personal self....thus the reason for this post.  Over the last several hours, I've started to email Christine and then deleted it.  I've started this blog post and then deleted it.  Rinse and repeat about 20 times. 

Yet everytime I go back and read her post, I get something different from it.  Something that hits a very raw wound with in myself.  I try very hard to not think of myself as broken.  The broken mantra has been brought up in therapy several times.  Often J* tell me she thinks that I have this mindset.  Often I think to myself she must be crazy because I've never made this comment to her; nor do I think about it.  I understand where she is coming from in her theme with this.  Yet, when I read this blog post I can't help but think and feel broken. 

When I had gastric bypass 7.5 years ago, they gave me all the tools that I needed to loose weight.  I had nutritional appts, psych appts, surgical appts,  group support, and all that jazz.  I attended every single support group meeting AND was a SPEAKER at several of them over the course of a 2-3 year span of time pre and post op.    Sure, I was given the tools to keep the weight off, kind of.  What was never addressed was how I went from being 135 lbs to 330 lbs. And when I went back down to 145 lbs....everyone freeked the hell out!!  I was dx with anorexia.  I was hospitalized for anorexia.  It wasn't until that low point in my life....was anything EVER addressed in the realms of how I went from 135 lbs to 330 lbs to 140 lbs.  The tools at that point were to medicate me.  And that began an even larger battle...a 5-6 year battle.  I'm no longer 140 lbs.  I've gained a ton of weight back.  The negative self-dislike (hate) for my body is off the charts.

I learned from this experience it was better to stuff those things that got me to 330 lbs.  My current battle with my self esteem is as raw and broken as it ever has been.  There, I said it...broken!  You can say distorted or whatever you wish. 

Telling myself:  The truth is: you are sexy.
By: WelcomeToMyBrain.net ....is really stinking hard.  It is all I can do to be present and accepting of my body during a massage let alone feel sexy or anything else.  I dont' look at myself in the mirror other than to blow my hair dry. Having sex repulses me on so many different levels (some abuse related and some pure self hate for my own body).  I can't tell you the last time I looked at my butt.  Dear Lord, taking a picture of my butt...just thinking about it makes me physically ill. 

I've rambled. I know that this post is all over the place.  The moral of the story (remember this is for me) is:  Trauma sucks, abuse sucks, I know first hand how loosing weight will not change the the disorted (broken), stinking thinking.  OI!  Do I ever. 

I also know...it is high time that the issues need to be addressed.  I've attempted to change my thoughts around Christine's theme of Sexuary.  My dh and I've had several conversations over the last few weeks on this very topic.  And it all comes back to the core issues at hand.

It's Going to Be Alright

Several months ago, one of my sweet soul sisters posted this on my FB page or her blog post. I can't remember.  Regardless, it spoke volumes to my heart on a day that I really needed it.

It has been several months since I've heard or even thought about this song.

I woke up in a deep sweat and rather panicky in the night.  Frustrated, crying, and just plain upset with thoughts of..."here it is my flippen day off...the ONE day I can sleep past 3:45am...and I have to wake up from a horrible nightmare."  As I laid there fighting back the tears and praying that I could just go back to sleep...I remembered the words to this song.

It's going to be alright!

I don't know when.
I don't know where.
I don't know how.

But....it will be. Somehow, I will get past this dark place that I've been in. 
Yesterday was a better day.  Almost like I had a high and couldn't seem to get past that.   And here it is nearing 4:30am and I'm struggling with not getting in my car and driving off.  I don't know where I would drive to so I will just stay home.  And try to remember...."It's Going to Be Alright".

On a Lighter Note

Looking back at old photos. 

It was mighty cold last year when we visited Temple Square on the evening of the lighting ceremony.  We were tired. I was rather sore (injured my shoulder a few weeks prior at work) and grumpy. 

I didn't get very many pics that were real good.  Mainly because it was cold. 

This is one of my favorites. 

I recently stumbled upon this blog.  When I read her post this evening I couldn't help but think to myself "this is often the story that plays out w/in my head".  And NO I don't hear voices...it is just a matter of speech.

SPEAK - National Suicide Prevention Week

Somehow several months ago I came across Random Ramblings of SAHM. I really can't even describe to you what this beautiful women has done for me in the last several months.

A few weeks after I started reading Lori's blog posts the love of her life...took his own life...right before her very own eyes.  Shocked beyond what one could ever imagine...she turned to her blog and began writing.  Her blog took a different twist and theme than it had prior. 

Often I have a very hard time reading Lori's post.  They are raw and honest.  She speaks nothing but the truth.  And the truth is powerful.  Yesterdays post just so happens to be one of those tough posts that are hard to read.  You can find it HERE.

It has been no secret while I've blogged here that I struggle with suicidal ideation regularly.  There are very few people...as in only 2-3 who know the circumstances that led to suicidal thoughts. It is something that even after being hospitalized for I was still ashamed.  My husband, mother, family....none of them know.  They would not get it and honestly...I DO NOT GET IT!! 

It is a daily battle.  Somedays easier than others.  Often there are weeks that it is merely just a speck of my thoughts.  And there are times when it is much worse.  This year has been on records a rather tough one. 

Today is NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION AWARENESS DAY.

Break the silence.
Speak.

 'Be still and know that I am God' Psalm 46:10



Last last night, the very last FB status I read was from a fellow Soul Sister: 

"Be still and know that I am God"  Psalm 46:10 

This morning my day started very early.  There is something about stepping in dog crap at 4:00am that really just does not bode very well with how your day may/may not go. However, it is what it is and more importantly at 4:00am there really is no coherant thought process and waking the sleeping dog who decided to use your hardwood floor as a bathroom was just not an option bc he would just not care.  So, I cleaned up the mess.  Grumbling under my breathe.  Added a few curse words and left the house by 4:30am sharp....which was my goal. 

As I was driving to work.....there were an abundant of tears that came my way.  No apparent reason.  (I know...I know....I'm sure there is a reason.  But in my tired mindset...I was unable to figure it out and still haven't been able to)   I remembered reading GB's mommy's message on FB last night. 

I'm working a split shift today (like most days) and had to come home in between shifts.  My dh has a biopsy of his prostate this morning and I don't want the kids home alone for more than a few hours.  They can be home alone for a few hours when I go back to work after lunch.  As I was coming home this morning, again...the tears were abudant.  Thinking about the reasons and such behind my dh's biopsy...it was very clear to me that once again....I need to be still...and know that HE is God!

Kids are out on the trampoline.  The dog wants a treat. DH leaves for his appt.  And I sit down to read a few blogs.  I've got several blogs in my reader.  I've also got several blogs I don't read regularly and usually notice when they update on my sidebar.  And that....I did.  Noticed that a fellow blogger posted...and so I followed the link to her blog........"Monkeys in a Gymnasium with Fireworks".

Be Still and know that I am God!!

Obviously, my Father in Heaven has given me this sweet reminder more than once last night/this morning because I truly need to remember that I need to do all that I can and leave the rest to Him.

Interesting post....

from a fellow blogger.

I've followed/lurked on this blog for a few years.  I've followed her family during ups and downs.  As her children have changed and as they've weathered different seasons in their life as a family.

Today she wrote this post on Mental Illness.  And it is something that I could have wrote myself.  I have something very similiar in the archives of my other blog that I've not published yet.