Sunday Evening Random Ramblings...

I'm here.  Surviving.  Busy. There's good. There's bad.  There's really good. And then there's really bad. It is an never ending up and down battle.

There is good in many things.  My children are growing. Thriving. And seem to have adjusted well to school.  We've got some personal issues with one of my children that has triggered some pretty crappy things w/in my own trauma history.  My youngest did not come home from school every day the first week begging to be home schooled.  He was super excited that one of his buddies from church, who has been home schooled until this grade, was in everyone of his classes.  They sit together or w/in a few seats in every class.  It was a great start to what was highly dreaded.

This was the first time in many years, okay ever, that I didn't want to send my kids back to school.  I've been off work since the beginning of February. I had surgery again right before school ended.  We had some pretty sweet moments this summer.  I loved having them home and I miss them after 4 day being back at school.

Twin Falls, Idaho
Day 8 of 15

We took a 15 day, 5000 mile, to many states to count, cross country road trip.  We visited my grandparents, my birth father's family, and then went to Utah and stayed w/my BFF for a night, spent the day w/her family on the weekend, and stayed w/my in laws.  We were ready to pull into our driveway after 15 days of being gone.  It was a wonderful trip and we made some good memories.

My children were not thrilled about riding in the car.  They wanted to fly. We've never done anything like this.  Our furthest road trip was about 5-6 hr drive.  Having the 1st leg of our trip be 28 hrs of driving was a bit scary.  We made it fun and stopped in a few different places along the way to stretch and do some sight seeing.  My 15 yr old is a budding photographer and kept her camera in her lap/near by the entire trip.

Today, there was a comment to something posted on my facebook blog page.  The first sentence was a kick in the gut.  "Think more positive."  Sure. Yep. I know I need to be more positive.  The remaining part of the message didn't come across well, either.  My gut tells me it was all in support and love. However, that is not what I heard.  The timing wasn't the best.

I've been at a fairly low place.  Therapy is hard.  It is *insert several curse words* hard.  The more intense it gets the more alone I feel. Yet, I know I am not. Truthfully,  I haven't felt this alone since sitting in hospital a week before the court hearing to disrupt our adoption. It's the kind of alone that makes me think...nobody gets it.  My therapist doesn't. My husband doesn't. My bff doesn't. My family doesn't.  During that time in the hospital, I had a visitor who happened to be the Relief Society President.  Her and I go way way back.   Sitting with another friend in church today, who I know 'gets mental illness' on a very personal level, I was reminded of the same message that my relief society president shared with me several years ago.  The Lord put the same message in my head today as he did that day.  And it brought me to tears.

Fear not! I am with thee.
Oh, be not dismayed.
For I am thy God.
And will still give thee aid!
I'll strengthen thee,
Help thee
And cause thee to stand.
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

I know that I am loved. I know that I am not alone. I know these things.  However, it is so very hard to remember in the depths of hell.

~My only Hope is in Him~

"And now, Lord, what do I wait for and expect? My hope and expectation are in You." Psalm 39:7

Not many days go by where I am not reminded constantly that the path in life I am walking down is not a walk in the park. Many, okay most, days are excruciatingly rough emotionally.  There are things I dearly love about my current situation. Then there are the things that I absolutely despise with every fiber of my being. 

These things are the ones that haunt me in the wee hours of the morning. They take away precious and much needed rest.  They continue to rob me of the very things that mean so much. 

"When the righteous cry for help, The Lord hears and delivers their troubles. The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the righteous, but The Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken."  Psalm 34:17-20

I struggle a great deal with prayer. It is one of the hardest parts about being a Christian. I've prayed about many things for long period of time.  Yet don't receive the answers that I'm looking for.  Currently, I'm not looking for answers. Instead I've laid it at His feet and pleaded for relief.  Relief from what is robbing my family, my friends, and ultimately myself.  This hurts so incredible much. It has, and is, breaking my faith to the utmost end. 

I know deep down in my heart that pleading with the Lord about something so personal, that the answers lay with my Heavenly Father.  He is the only one who can see the bigger picture.  Trusting in this is just as painful and the struggle on some days.  Some days....would be today.

Day in and day out I've struggled with the current battle to regain my life, rise above mental illness, and come out on the other side whole and in one piece. It sucks. There is no way around it. Dear heaven I can't tell you how horrific and troublesome it is for me to continue fighting my way out of hell. Only to have the rocks fall back down on top of me making it even harder to pull myself out of this pit. 

 I'm trying like hell to hold my head up.  I'm fighting my way out of hell to Praise him in this Storm.  I am feeling defeated.  I am seeking out some sort of meaning in all of this.  I have found nothing. I know that Jesus found hope through suffering, so that his children could do the same.  I don't have any answers.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30  
My entire life is not engulfed in suffering and a pit of pain.  It really isn't.  I have so much to be thankful for.  This burden has taken ahold of my life, stuck a stick through my heart, and taken me down to my very core.  It has and continues to hinder my everyday functioning.  I know it doesn't have to be that way.

It doesn't have to be this way. I know it doesn't.  And so, I continue to find hope where all seems hopeless.  I continue to seek healing, where there appears to be none.  I continue to lay my burdens and pain at His feet.  Trusting that relief will be found as I lay these burdens before Him.

Hope(less)

This Christmas ornament should be on my tree this year. Shit maybe I should just tattoo it to my entire body.  The last few days have been pretty freaking ugly.

Church yesterday was pretty much just as ugly.  My husband was given a calling. After he was asked if he would accept the 2nd Counselor turned to me and told me I was next.  And that the bishopric had been and will continue to pray about which calling in the Ward would be best for me.  Very subtle I turned to him and said "now is not a good time for me to have a calling".  He didn't like that response I gather. 

I left shortly after that and then came back towards the end. As I sat in the foyer the same person came up to me and talked to me a 'bit more' about receiving a calling.  Receiving blessings from accepting callings.  And a ton of other mumbo jumbo.  I made it very clear, with out going into details (because remember.....in my everyday life I try very hard to keep this shit at bay and no where near the surface) that right now is NOT a good time for me. I can barely function enough to work.  And having any more responsibility at this time is not something I am willing to accept.  He continued w/the church standpoint and the common Church standpoint on callings.  It was clear he doesn't get it.  And he wasn't hearing me.  I get and understand and have LIVED the blessing that come from serving other members of our congregation in different callings.  However, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it is NOT to be now!

As we left church and headed to town to meet w/a friend for her birthday; I mentioned to my husband what Brother H had said after he went to his Priesthood meetings.  My husband knows that functioning for me right now is at bare minimum.  And adding any extra ounce of anything would be catastrophic.  He shook his head and very bluntly said "NO...You don't need a calling.  You need to get better".  At least, I know I will have his support in this manner.

Then as the day progressed and I thought about this conversation. I thought about the root and beliefs that my religion has on callings....good ol' guilt started to creep in.  And boy is there nothing better to fuel my (or anyone) depression than guilt.

I'm already pulling out every single tool, every single stop, every single thing that several years of therapy have drilled in my head......and I'm still in this rotten f*cking place.  I've taken my meds as I should.  I missed a dose over the weekend.  I did end up taking them last night.  However, sometimes missing ONE dose is better than what the alternative was at that moment when I decided to throw the damn bottle on top of the bathroom cupboard so that I couldn't get it down w/o much thought/planning and energy.  There was one of two alternatives at the moment I did that.  That was the lesser of two evils.

A place where every ounce of my body hurts.  Because this fucking battle is taking its toll.  And today, it has taken its toll on my body.  Complete and udder control. I hurt.  Everywhere. 

I can't keep it up anymore.  Despite keeping up and working to the best of my ability (sure some could disagree),  I can't seem to kick this.  I have no clue if I will make it to group tonight.  I have no clue what lies beyond "publish" of this post. I do know I am still in my robe. I do know that after publish on this post I will be turning my computer and phone off and head back to bed.  I know staying in bed is dangerous.  It is what I have right now and it is safe.

On a Lighter Note

Looking back at old photos. 

It was mighty cold last year when we visited Temple Square on the evening of the lighting ceremony.  We were tired. I was rather sore (injured my shoulder a few weeks prior at work) and grumpy. 

I didn't get very many pics that were real good.  Mainly because it was cold. 

This is one of my favorites. 

I recently stumbled upon this blog.  When I read her post this evening I couldn't help but think to myself "this is often the story that plays out w/in my head".  And NO I don't hear voices...it is just a matter of speech.

PTSD - SUCKS!

I find myself not being able to pinpoint what seems to be triggering me.  Most of the time it takes a day or two to really notice.

Not yesterday...I knew from the moment I walked into church that I was being set off.  It wasn't just one thing it was several.  A few little things.  And one HUGE thing.  Actually, I could say two huge things.  However, one of those things ended up taking away 'from staying in the present' and throwing me into a tailspin.  It was a fast downward spiral.  That ended with me coming home from church and going to bed.  Turning on the heated mattress pad (bc I 'cope' with heat and I couldn't take a hot shower and be in bed at the time) and going to bed...for several hours.

I can't even say "it is like the lights flicked off and I was in a horrible mood, snapping at everyone, anxiety ridden, blah blah blah."  I knew immediately.

I've not posted to much about our child we adopted and then disrupted handful of years later....on this blog. I do have a blog that I've journaled most of our journey. If you would like the link to that please leave a comment.  It is not a 'semi-private blog' and has names on it unlike this blog.  I've not posted a great deal about the amount of grief, guilt, shame, PTSD, fear, and everything else that comes along with this situation.

We received a document from the Ward Clerk that gave all info the church has on file for our family.  Everytime we are given this document we have asked to have our son C*, whom is no longer our son, removed from the roles of the church as our son.  He is no longer our child.  I do not want him listed as our child.  Our last ward clerk removed C* from the local ward and stake directory.  However, it wasn't removed from the Records of the Church. 

As we sat in the Chapel yesterday morning and I read C*'s name and birthdate listed under our "Children" my heart sank.  It sank in a way that I can't even describe.

 I turned to my dh and said "WHY is his name still listed?"

He said "I dont' know.  I've asked and no one can seem to tell me.  I think it has to do with the fact he was Sealed to us in the temple."

I said "I want his name off the records of our family.  It is bad enough he has your phone number. It is
bad enough that his foster mom has your address.  It is bad enough that he is a damn smart child and he could find us if he wanted to.  We don't have a house phone primarly because he is old enough to try and track us if he wanted to buy a house phone.  I want his name off of this document.  HE is NOT my child.  I don't care if we were sealed....I don't care what Church policy and procedure.....I don't care....."

 He interrupted and said "I will try and take care of it. I already talked to the Bishop and he said he doesn't know why it keeps showing up.  I will ask him again.....but I can't make promises". 

I got up and went back and spoke to a family that I know has served in Stake Presidency in the past.  "Brother N* can you tell me how to remove a child from this document?"

"Did the child die? Even if the child died..he will still be on there. You were sealed to him.  He will forever be your child."  I'm pretty sure the look on my face was a bit worrisome.

I responded with "he needs to be removed and I need to know how to have it taken off of here..."  And I went back to sit w/my family.

After Sacrament this family approached my husband.  C* was removed from the computer 100% as being listed as our child.  I have no clue what will happen at Church Head Quarters in Salt Lake.  I'm hoping and praying this matter is fixed.

My husband came to me while I was sitting in the foyer and said "C* was removed.  He should never be able to track us based on the records of the church."

I hope so....because today...I'm still struggling. My head is still spinning.  I've cried more tears of grief, guilt and pain in the last 24 hrs than I have over this situation in a very long time. 

And PTSD sucks!!  I slept for sh*t last night.  I woke up several times covered in sweat and unable to breathe seeing his face at my front door.  Did I say PTSD FRIGGING SUCKS?  I want to crawl in bed and not get up. I want to cover my head and sleep this away.  Today is one of those days where working....didn't serve me very well...as the day lingered on irrational worthless thoughts continued to work their way into my head and take up space...lots of space!!

 Every young blonde college student that I have encounter with...I think of C*.  What he missed.  What he will miss.  What I missed.  What I will miss.  And it sucks.

Thankfulness Project Monday

I started following Musings of a Counselor several months ago.  I love the fact that each Monday she posts her Thankfulness Project Monday posts.  I often do not post them on Monday's.   However, I do think about it each week.  This post is being wrote on Sunday night and will be scheduled to post on Monday because I've got a very long day tmw and wanted to try and get this posted.

So here goes my "Thankfulness Project Monday" Post

I have a wonderful husband.  He endures so much from me. I know I do from him also.  However, he is my rock.  I very well may be griping about him next week.  I was reminded this morning during our Sacrament Meeting at church that our Temple Sealing-Marriage Anniversary is this week.  We were married by our Bishop in January 1994.  Just under 2 years later on a cold day in November, the day before Thanksgiving my Grandparents, In-laws and a few other local member friends joined us in the LDS Chicago Temple.  Where my husband and I were sealed for Eternity.  I'm thankful for my husband and the example he continues to lead to myself and children.

Two beautiful children.  Often, it is easy to loose sight at how well behaved, polite, and all around good young beings they are.  I'm blessed to be their mom.  I often do not feel worthy to be their mother.  They give me strength when I don't believe I have any left.  They lead by example in so many areas of our lives.  The last 3 weeks that I have been off work due to significant dip in my depression and will to keep fighting...these 2 children are what helped every single day to bring me one step closer to "normalcy...whatever that might be".  

So many other things I am thankful for in my life.  These are the 2 areas that I often take for granted.  I love them so deeply and can not imagine my life with out them.

Goal for Today

The above quote is my focus for the day.  We are expecting a large amount of company later this afternoon.  I will need to focus on the present moment all day because this will be a bit stressful for me.

My son grew fond of one of the Missionaries over the last few months.  This young man has served his Heavenly Father and the members of our region for the last 2 years.  This week his family will welcome him back home as his Mission will be complete.

The day after my son was baptized the Elder's (Missionary's) stopped by our house for a few moments to play with my son.  We tried to set up a date for dinner before Elder B left to go back home.  And somehow I felt the need to offer having a "Farewell" gathering at our house for the ward.

Last night I made a cake.  This morning I will make Velveta No-Bean Chili Dip and Corn Dog Muffins. 

And....

Remember to stay in the Present!!

Thursday Evening Musings

I had 3 doctor appts today.  My plate was full.  I didn't make it to all 3 appts.  I ended up having a 4rth appt added to the mix (for my son). I woke up refreshed, renewed, and ready to take on the world...or for a few moments anyway.

My pelvis was in bad shape.  Last night I started having problems walking after using my eliptical. I've had this problem before after I was rear-ended several years ago. So it worked out good I had a chiropractor appt this morning.  He believes it was the answer to some of the hip and low back pain I've experienced over the last few weeks.  Specially during and after my massage last Friday.  World of difference after being adjusted - after a few tears - I'm feeling much better. 

After I left there I went and seen my psychiatrist.  The appt went okay. I can't say I was happy. I can't say I am unhappy.  We have a 10-11 year history together.  I often find myself in a love/hate relationship with her.  And today wasn't so much about love.  I respect her and love her dearly.  However, I don't have to like what she has/had to say. I don't have to like the attitude that transpired.  I left her office fighting back tears.  Tears of frustration and anger.

I spoke to my husband on my way to my employer.  One of the issues I had w/my pdoc appt was I have to have paperwork turned into to my employer in order to work the following day.  The timeline was already met.  I also needed to get paperwork turned in by another time deadline in order to get a "weekly pick" for next week and not be forced to be oncall every single day.  I can't rotate/be oncall everyday at this point.  I met the deadline by less than 10 minutes.  I did end up getting a weekly pick, barely. 

Because, I had gotten so upset at the end of my appt and worked myself into a tizzy I called my PCP's office and cancelled my appt.  The last thing I needed was to go to that appt and have her make some stupid comment or suggestion that the malabsorption issues are in my head, depression related, and I'm just plain making shit up.  Because at that point, I could have very well ended up in the hospital or jail....so I decided come home and just be! I spoke to my dear friend S* and laid down and rested for a lil bit before picking my son up from school.

My son and I went to an impromptu derm appt.  I am hopeful that the course of treatment will be effective and we will not be faced at doing a biopsy and labwork.  She mentioned several times during the appt if the 8 week course of antibiotics doesn't clear this up OR it comes back after going away while on the antibiotics he will be facing testing for an auto immune disorder.  We are praying for an easy fix at this point with antibiotics.

In 2 weeks I will begin a 3 month set schedule for my work hours.  I'm very optimistic and hopeful I will be able to find some relief and stabalization.  Contrary to the vibe I got from my psychiatrist this morning....I am taking care of myself. I am doing what I need to do...as much as I can....and taking care of myself.  I know that my therapist doesn't feel that me not working has been helpful.  I love her dearly.  And today I can honestly say....we can agree to disagree.  I know I am doing better.  I know it isn't even just a little bit better.  I also know that being home hasn't made things worse nor will they make it worse with me being home.  The only manner that it makes things worse with me staying home is the financial aspect.  Even though I have disability insurance it isn't 100%.  Regardless, my work week starts on Sunday.  Next week is a short week. I can hope and pray the following week I can get a weekly pick (set schedule).

In the meantime I have full plans on....taking care of ME the next 3 days.  I need to do some deep cleaning to do in the morning.  Things that should have been done the last 2-3 weeks while I've been home.  However, they didn't get done.  Saturday we are having a farewell party for one of the Elders (missionaries) who will be going home from his mission next week.  *insert...my anxiety is rather high at the thought of having a a large amount of church members in my home since my huband and children are the only  members who attend church on a regular basis.*

"I had no clue"

Over the weekend my son was baptized. I know I mentioned it before.  However, a few things have come to the surface since that day.  It was a very small gathering.  A few members from our ward and a friend/co-worker of mine.

One of the ladies who came and gave a talk also happens to be a passenger that I have once in a while.  I've known her since I was in Young Women's 20+ years ago.  I learned over the weekend that she was baptized around that same time 20+ yrs ago, only because my husband was a missionary here in our current ward.  He remembers the set of Elders/Missionaries who were in the area at the time.  He served in this same ward shortly after she was baptized.  She is a nurse at a local hospital.  She is a very sweet and dear lady.

L* and I were talking as we were both leaving the building.  She made some sort of comment such as "I will see you in Relief Society tmw".  Matter of fact I replied with "Probably not.  I will attend Sacrament and will most likely leave after that."  She knew I wasn't working and added a few other remarks such as she would love to see me there.  It was a rather awkward moment.  One that I felt the need to clarify.  And so I did, rather reluctantly. 

Other than our bishop, whom I spoke w/about this in our home and a VERY few IRL people....my battle with depression, anxiety, S.I, and such is a very private manner.  So mentioning to her why I generally only attend Sacrament was rather tough.  I was very taken back in some ways by her response.  She stopped dead in her tracks. Looked at me and sincerely said "__ I had NO clue."  I followed it up with "It isn't something I discuss and is part of the reason I'm not working right now".  I figured she didn't need to know more.  It is what it is.  And she had enough information that is all she needed.

I'm struggling, again!

It is an up and down battle. 

I'm trying very hard to keep myself busy.  Seriously, I'm in some sort of a manic, crazy, can't stop bc if I do I will end up crashing hard mode.  So I've cooked. I've cleaned. I've not slept.  I've walked the dogs. I've been up and down and all over the dang place. 

I received a phone late last evening from the sweet Sister whom I mentioned above.  She was on her way home from work.  And because she usually sees me at work she was thinking of me.  After she got home she felt like she needed to check in and see how I was really doing.  At first I was taken back and felt like "I don't really want/need to air my dirty laundry out there.  How do I know I can trust her?" And many other things.  Of course, I didn't tell her that on my way home from my group meeting tonight I had to focus myself deeply on doing something constructive...aka: talking to someone on the phone bc if I didn't the urge to drive down a cliff or into the barrier wall was so incredible strong.  She didn't need to know those things.

She cared.  She cared enough to let me know "I am not Alone".  I often hear this 'phrase' and sometimes get rather discouraged and disgusted by it.  However, it is sooo very true.  Last week on several different occasions when this song popped into my IPOD play list there was no stopping the tears.

Find solace. Find comfort.  Find whatever it is that you need....and know...YOU are NOT ALONE!!  (click on link to hear music)

His Love

My son was baptized yesterday.  He was confirmed a member of the church and received the Gift of the Holy Ghost today.  My husband performed both the baptism and confirming our son.  It was bitter sweet. 

Today being the first Sunday of the month it was Testimony Meeting during sacrament.  One of the ladies who bore her testimony mentioned the above "I loved you at your darkest". 

I know deep down in my heart my Father in Heaven loves me.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt there is some sort of lesson to be learned by these dark days.  I don't know what it is.  Nor do I believe that I am ready to have that knowledge. 

My parents came for a late lunch/early dinner. My brother and his girlfriend joined us.  It was an all around nice afternoon.

I'm exhausted.  I hurt.  I've struggled off and on with keeping my thoughts/moods above water.  I've held it together. And I did so for the sake of my children. And will continue to get up and keep fighting for the sake of my children. I may need you to remind me in a few days!!

Forget Me Not

It is late. Once again, I'm awake into the wee hours of the morning.  Attempting to go to bed provided frustration, discouragement and hopeless thinking.  Updated to add (for my own record): I finally crawled back into bed for the 2nd time at 2:30am.  The last time I looked at the clock it said 3:39am.  The next thing I heard was my husbands alarm going off at 6:15am - it was time for him to get up and get the kids ready for school. I got up instead.  It is the first time this school year that I've been up before my kids went to school. I'm tired.  Yet, I'm also wide awake and feel as though I could run run run....I did not take the new medication last night. I put in a call to my psychiastrist office early yesterday morning and heard nothing back from her.  This was after speaking to my PCP and chiropractor.  My chiro is 100% convinced the issues I've had over the weekend (and continue) are related to this medication.  My PCP's office said "contact your pdoc".

I decided to get up and work past that.
Regardless if I have an 8:30am massage.
Regardless if I have a therapy appt right after my massage.  I will be tired.  It will work itself out.
It always does, right?

I edited some pictures of our dogs.  Both are adorable.  We are blessed they are such good dogs.

From there I ended up on the LDS.org website.  I had no real intent of looking anything up.  Or finding anything that would speak volumes to me.  It is as I mentioned....in the middle of the night.  Don't know about you, but my brain doesn't comprehend things very well at 1-2-3 am. 

General Conference was a few weeks ago.  I've not seen the Conference talks.  Nor have I read them.  I will be honest and I rarely watch or read the talks.  UNLESS...and here is the kicker....UNLESS someone tells me or I see on another blog that there is a specific highlight or special speaker that I just have to read/listen to.

That being said, I've not read any special comments about the latest conference talks.  And if I have, I've not remembered it.

Truly my Father in Heaven was guiding my fingers this evening as I skimmed over this talk by Elder Dieter F. Uchtorf.  I've read/heard things from him before.  All which have spoke volumes to my heart.  As I sit here this evening/early morning (whatever you call it)  reading and then listening (bc sometimes hearing their beautiful voices is important, too) tears stung my face as I tried to soak in his words.

You don't have to be LDS/Morman to soak in his goodness. You don't have to have 100% the same beliefs.  You just need to believe there is a higher being.  Who loves you.  Who will not forget you! 

The following portion of his talk truly brought me to my knees.  I struggle a great deal with remembering...I am not alone, nor am I forgotten.
(This can be found near the end of his talk)

Fifth, forget not that the Lord loves you.

As a child, when I would look at the little forget-me-nots, I sometimes felt a little like that flower—small and insignificant. I wondered if I would be forgotten by my family or by my Heavenly Father.

Years later I can look back on that young boy with tenderness and compassion. And I do know now—I was never forgotten.

And I know something else: as an Apostle of our Master, Jesus Christ, I proclaim with all the certainty and conviction of my heart—neither are you!

You are not forgotten.

Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.

Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!

He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name—you are the daughters of His kingdom.

The Psalmist wrote:

“When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained;

“What is man, that thou art mindful of him? …

“For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.”⁵

God loves you because you are His child. He loves you even though at times you may feel lonely or make mistakes.

The love of God and the power of the restored gospel are redemptive and saving. If you will only allow His divine love into your life, it can dress any wound, heal any hurt, and soften any sorrow.

My dear Relief Society sisters, you are closer to heaven than you suppose. You are destined for more than you can possibly imagine. Continue to increase in faith and personal righteousness. Accept the restored gospel of Jesus Christ as your way of life. Cherish the gift of activity in this great and true Church. Treasure the gift of service in the blessed organization of Relief Society. Continue to strengthen homes and families. Continue to seek out and help others who need your and the Lord’s help.

Sisters, there is something inspiring and sublime about the little forget-me-not flower. I hope it will be a symbol of the little things that make your lives joyful and sweet. Please never forget that you must be patient and compassionate with yourselves, that some sacrifices are better than others, that you need not wait for a golden ticket to be happy. Please never forget that the “why” of the gospel of Jesus Christ will inspire and uplift you. And never forget that your Heavenly Father knows, loves, and cherishes you.

A Little Reminder

because...I need it today in a really bad way.

**warning:  raw and choppy**

Find myself thinking from time to time:

This will be the day. 

The day that the sun will shine brighter.

The day that my shoulders feel lighter. 

The day that Debbie Downer will go the hell home and stay the frick away from here.

From time-to-time I read different sayings that are positive and uplifting.  Basically stating if you think positive things...you will feel positive and feel better.  Screw that!  I'm here to tell you that even though I've not been positive all that often...I've tried it.  I've sat and read uplifting things for hours upon hours over the last several weeks.   I guess I'm not faithful enough or positively positive enough to have it work its magic or some damn thing on me.



I am especially tired today.  Not physically so much.  I was in bed by 12:30am (after I took the new medication for the first time and then spend several minutes puking and trying not to freek the hell out bc my tongue was tingling and numb.) And got up out of bed at 12:30pm.  I did not sleep that entire time.  I woke up around 9:30am and dozed off and on until I got up and showered.

My kids are home from school today.  My husband left with them shortly after 9:30am.  I thought he wanted to meet for lunch.  Which is why I got up and showered. I called him at 12:45 to see where they were and he responded with 'at the food court eating lunch'.  A few short 'oh I thought we were going to meet for lunch comments from me' and I hung up.  In tears.  One puddle of tears that hasn't stopped.

I miss my kids something fierce.  I've worked pms for 3 straight weeks and looks like I will be working another week of pms next week. Which is okay.  Yet, I miss my kids.  When I am home I feel so disconnected from them and what they are doing.

My son will be baptised next weekend.  And even this event and the planning around it....I've not been a part of. Not one bit of it.  I want to.  I've been informed of the date and time by my husband.  I've only mentioned it to a few people...as in 2.  I mentioned it to my mom a few days ago when she was here.  Knowing she would not be interested in coming (she's very anti-LDS) and not be supportive.  She will be to my son but then will makes snide hurtful comments to me later on. 

I have said over and over and over and over again....I get up again and again....because of my kids.  And yet....I'm not there for them.  So why continue getting up?  Why continue fighting this ugly efn fight?

 'Be still and know that I am God' Psalm 46:10



Last last night, the very last FB status I read was from a fellow Soul Sister: 

"Be still and know that I am God"  Psalm 46:10 

This morning my day started very early.  There is something about stepping in dog crap at 4:00am that really just does not bode very well with how your day may/may not go. However, it is what it is and more importantly at 4:00am there really is no coherant thought process and waking the sleeping dog who decided to use your hardwood floor as a bathroom was just not an option bc he would just not care.  So, I cleaned up the mess.  Grumbling under my breathe.  Added a few curse words and left the house by 4:30am sharp....which was my goal. 

As I was driving to work.....there were an abundant of tears that came my way.  No apparent reason.  (I know...I know....I'm sure there is a reason.  But in my tired mindset...I was unable to figure it out and still haven't been able to)   I remembered reading GB's mommy's message on FB last night. 

I'm working a split shift today (like most days) and had to come home in between shifts.  My dh has a biopsy of his prostate this morning and I don't want the kids home alone for more than a few hours.  They can be home alone for a few hours when I go back to work after lunch.  As I was coming home this morning, again...the tears were abudant.  Thinking about the reasons and such behind my dh's biopsy...it was very clear to me that once again....I need to be still...and know that HE is God!

Kids are out on the trampoline.  The dog wants a treat. DH leaves for his appt.  And I sit down to read a few blogs.  I've got several blogs in my reader.  I've also got several blogs I don't read regularly and usually notice when they update on my sidebar.  And that....I did.  Noticed that a fellow blogger posted...and so I followed the link to her blog........"Monkeys in a Gymnasium with Fireworks".

Be Still and know that I am God!!

Obviously, my Father in Heaven has given me this sweet reminder more than once last night/this morning because I truly need to remember that I need to do all that I can and leave the rest to Him.

Always a beginning....

...and for today...this is the beginning.

I am a daughter of an all loving Father in Heaven. Who would do anything for me.  However, that is easier to write than to believe, somedays.

I am a daughter of 2 beautiful and loving parents.  One who took me in as his own daughter.  Rarely did the word step-daughter surface itself in our home.

I am a 30 something year old.... wife of 17 years to a wonderful man.  A man who, 17 years ago, I'm sure did not know what he was signing up for when it comes to what laid ahead of him.

I am blessed to be the mom of 2 beautiful spirits that came into my life by birth.  I never thought it possible to love anything as deep as I do these 2 special spirits.

I was once the mom of a blonde haired little boy who came to us via adoption.  Although, I can tell you that I know my Heavenly Father orchistrated deeply the path in which this young man took to get to our home and it was because of our Father in Heaven's plan for each and every one of us that this little boy came into or home.  However, many days I don't like that plan and don't agree with that plan.  The heartache, dispair and grief that surrounds this entire situation is somedays more than I can handle.

I struggle with depression.  Some days, weeks and in some cases months......with severe depression.  So much so that I firmly believe that I should no longer be living, never been born, my husband and children would be better off with out the burden of that I bring into our home w/this struggle.

I realize that a few of the comments above contridict themselves.  Sure they do.  How can you be a be a Chrstitian and want to no longer live?  It is complicated.  More so than one might ever believe.

I once heard someone say "If I could only erase myself....." and on she went.  There are many days that is the montra that is replayed in my thought process.  Erase is a perfect description.

When I talk about being depressed, depression, severe depression, ect ect... I am not talking about the kind of sadness that comes over someone because their cat died, they are not able to do something, just plain down and otu for a day or so and sad all in one.

No, I'm talking about I can't get up...again. I don't want to get up again.  The I can't get out of bed and if I do the entire world will fall from underneath me. And other than the truth that I really am a daughter of a wonderful Heavenly Father, 2 beautiful parents and have a family who loves and cares about me. 

There are times when my depression is directly related to grief over our disruption of our son.  The guilt, shame, pride, you name it all comes crashing down all while the pure "I miss him so damn much" are playing the tape with in me.

There are times when I can't really give cause.  It just purely is what it is.  And it is in these moments that I personally feel much worse.  Fiind myself swimming through the crap and sinking further and further.  This is the point where that ol' saying "if I could only disapear and/or erase myself from this earth..." are the hardest to fight off.

There is healing in knowing that there is an all knowing and loving Father in Heaven to take away the sorrows and pains of each and every one of us. 

Now if I could just find a place where I can believe it....