Thursday, December 8, 2011

~Raging on the Inside~ ****tons of swearing******

My follow up appt today went as I expected.  Fucktastic!

I'm pissed.  PISSED.  Fucking PISSED.

I sat for over an hour in my car after my appt today with my psychiatrist.

If I didn't have to work, hadn't already missed 10 hrs last week unpaid, and got myself in trouble bc I had a fucking tizzy ass fit and didn't make it to work OR call in....I WOULD STILL BE SITTING THERE!!

Because SITTING THERE....I can scream and cry and be fucking mad.

I can't scream, cry and rage when I walk in my doors of my house or work. 

Yes, being the bread-winner of my family has added stress.  Just ask my psychiatrist...she knows that. She states it.  She gives me her thoughts and quite fucking honestly she can shove them up her ass.  And because of that fucking stress....of loosing my job AND loosing my health insurance....I had to go to work today.  I dont' know how many days I can keep this up.  I really don't.  Then what?

Obviously, therapy isn't going to help or fix this shit.  It is up to me.  Obviously, I'm not doing my part.  I guess fucking not.  I guess the fact that I threw the bottle of meds at the cupboard and up so I couldn't reach them wasn't doing my part or using the tools that I have been given.  I guess, going to work....when all I can think about is just walking out infront of a not using the tools.  And so i'm not doing my part.    According to my dr. today....I should be able to kick this w/o medication bc I dont' hear voices and other stupid shit she said.

Today's appt reminded me of what I have been subject to in other medical related issues w/my PCP's office from time to time.  Specifically, the gastric bypass team members.  Dismissed.  Diminished. 

This is so fucking unfair!

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