The Last 3 days....

...and then some have been incredible hard.
...as in gut wrenching hard.

I'm struggling to keep my head above water.
To find balance among the waves.
I know that I'm not alone in this struggle.
Yet at the same time it feels as though I am.
I've pulled out all the tools.  All the stops.
Everything I can to keep swimming.
It hasn't been enough.

My hair hurts.
My teeth hurt.
My ears hurt.
My toes hurt.
Everything hurts.
I know why.
Relaxation tools have went out the window. I've done them.
Over and over...from deep breathing to some mindfulness.

I'm not positive tonight. I don't see much positive ahead of me.  I got up today. I went to church.  I made a crockpot dinner.  It is the extent of my ability to cope for today.

~Uphill Battle to Get Back Up~

A few weeks ago I wrote this post "Getting Back Up...is the hardest thing to do".  If you have not read it I encourage you do so. I also encourage you to comment and let me know that you...are choosing to get back up. This battle isn't easy. I don't recall ever being told it would be.  I have been told it would be worth it.  I don't really know that I agree.  However, in the meantime I have nothing to loose by trying and everything to loose by not trying. 

I've been sucker punched hard the last few weeks.  So much so that getting back up off the floor has been much harder than in times past.  There have been a few days in the last 2 weeks that I've not managed to get back up.  I'm not proud of those days.  I'm not going to beat myself up over them either.  Yesterday....yesterday...was one of those days....where I was sucker punched to the point of not being able to get up.  And so, I didn't.  Sure I got up....but I never got dressed...and ate just about anything in our house that contained gluten, sugar, and crap.  I didn't brush my hair. I didn't brush my teeth.  And one of the biggest clues to anyone close to me that something isn't right...is I hadn't showered...in several days.  Suggestions from my dh that I might feel better if I showered ended with him regretting saying anything to me.  

I tried hard to fight past it.  If you read my I Will Get Up Again and Again's FB page you might already know what happened later in the day.  I tried hard to fight past having face planted on the floor.  It didn't work so well.  I tried.  I really did. What followed wasn't all that pretty.

I'm thankful for my bestfriend who called and not knowing that I needed to hear her voice. Even if I ignored her call, sent a text telling her I wasn't up to talking, and then called her back.  Who when she hung up told me "I'm going to call you back in a little bit to make sure you went home. You better answer your damn phone when I call you back."

I hadn't went home.  I did answer her call.  And we talked about nothing for quite sometime.

I'm thankful for the friend who keeps pushing me past my comfort zone.  Encouraging me to dig deeper even when digging deeper hurts like hell and is even scarier.  Even when digging deeper brings up some ugly crap. I'm thankful for her persistence when I snap back she is able to snap right back, reminding me to check in w/what the trigger(s) may be at the time.

I got up and fought like hell against the voice in my head that said "* don't get up, stay in bed, you don't need to go..." And I showed up for sacrament. I sat in the foyer.  Spoke to noone. And got up and left as the tears became to much near the end of the closing hymn.  And somone was headed their way to sit near me.  Pretending I didn't see her coming my way, I got up and slipped out of the building.  During one of the talks my son came out to get a drink and go to the bathroom. He sat with me for a few moments and then disappeared back into the chapel.  I came home and sunk back into bed for a majority of the day. 

I Will Be There for You

In our darkest of times, often we turn to our friends in order to help us get through the trials life has/is throwing at us.  I know this has been true for me over the last few years and particularly true for me over the last several months.

If you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you know I have engaged in several struggles over the last year.  I have had several boughts of dark depression.  Each ranging from chemical imbalances unable to be supported by medication, job stress and previous abuse/triggers that are on going, financial frustrations due to being unable to work full-time due to health or other mental health related issues.  Each of these events and more have been incredible challenging.  Challenges which I am certain I could not have overcome with out the love, support and understanding of a few incredible friends.

When I say friends I do not mean acquaintances. I do not mean people I just know through memberships in similar groups or organizations.  I mean people who know who I am, on a deep and personal level, and stood by me when it was difficult to do so.  Who have picked up the phone and made sure that I was okay, when I was certain I didn't know if I was okay.  For many of us, such true friends are few and very far between.  I know that for years I could count mine on one hand.  And even today, can still count them on one hand.

My recent surgery has shown to me who those true friends really are.  Those friends who call because theyc are about who I am.  Who send tid bits here and there to let me know they care.  Who with out expecting anything in return let me know that I am loved.

This my friends is the greatest gift we can give someone.  Thich Nhat Nahn (Buddhist Monk) has a saying:  "The greatest gift you can give someone is to say 'Darling, I am here for you.'"  When someone you call friend puts this saying into action and is truly there for you, it is indeed an incredible gift.

I owe a deep dept of gratitude to the friends who have listened to my aching heart, held my confidences, cared, supported and loved on me more than I ever feel entitled to.  THeir words of caring and comfort create a beam that will continue to lead me through the dark tunnels I have found myself in over the last several months and continue to do so.  You have given me hope and encouraged me to find a path in which I can continue to move forward,  instead of backwards.   And you have become my biggest cheerleaders, believing in me and lifting me up when I feel I can't go on.  I am truly blessed to have each of you in my life.

The only way to ever repay you for what you have given (and continue) to give me is to remind you that; "Darling, I am here for you."  I will answer your call when you reach out and will be there for you as you have been me to me over these trying moments and long days.

On the Wings

Shortly before landing in Orlando on March 1.

I would give anything to be on that plane...again!  Headed to ETAAM-Orlando.  It seems like it was so long ago.  Yet it was only 3 weeks ago today, that I got up early and returned home.  As I looked out the window at the wing of this particular plane I recall seeing and feeling so much hope for the coming days.  Hope in finding brighter moments...even if just for a few moments/days. 

I am not actively parenting a child with R.A.D.  However, the after effects have played their toll.  The last few days those after effects have crept into my heart.  Taken up residence in a rather negative toll.  The timing has been horrible.  There is never any good time.  However, right now is really not good.

Add this into the mixture that I'm still trying to figure out which way to turn and which end is up after the psychiatry appt I had w/the new pdoc last Friday.  I am scheduled to see my primary psychiatrist tmw.  The appt may need to be rescheduled because of some technical issues between the two clinics.  And even though I just want to get it done and over with, there is a small part of me that just doesn't want to go.  Accept the fact that this is as good as it gets.

I woke up yesterday morning determined that it was a new day.  No matter what I would revel in that aspect. I would find hope where hope was to be found.  It wasn't for naught....I tried. 

It is now into the wee hours of the next day.  Unable to sleep, searching for some sort of comfort.  It isn't in the M & M's that were on my table.  It isn't in the Dt. Cherry Pepsi that was in our fridge.  It is nowhere to be found in the food that has entered my mouth in hopes to drown out what seems to be taking over. 

The mind is a dangerous thing.  It is a weapon like none other.  It is moments like these that I know I need to pull out the tools and use them.  The tools that several years of therapy have provided me.  Yet, it isn't happening. 

Praying that I can have a bit of a relief.  Get back some of that fight that I had last week.  Once again...it's gone. 

Day One...Long Day of travel.

Yesterday was a very long day. 

So worth it.  There is no better therapy than being with other people...momma...who get you, your struggle, your life!  Not just the attachment and trauma aspect but every aspect.

By the time m head hit the pillow at 1:25am...approximately 10-12 trauma mommas had spent several hours together.  It was great having s smaller group of mom's.  The intimacy of the smaller group, having each of mostly in different villas, and getting to know each other was awesome.

This morning the 3 amigos headed off to Ron Jon's Surf Shop and lunch.   Lunch was awesome...until I realized I was given regular soda and not diet. 

Now off to meet and great and hug and kiss some more mommas!!

Therapy

Sometimes the best therapy a soul needs is spending time with one of your best friends.  Even if it entails dragging your 4 children along, sans husbands and the 5th child.
No expectations from either one of us.
Just being able to be.
Laugh at each others quirkiness.
Being able to tell each others childen to shut up with no fear the friend will be offended.  ((I so need to work on patience and not say shut up 6594 times))
Having your 2 littles play with no bickering...quietly and be appropriate.
Laugh (or puke) till you want to pass out.
Having your friend take your son so you can go to a fancy dinner with your husband for his conference he was attending.
It is moments like these that I hope to hold onto. To remember during the dark and dreary times.  That others get 'me' and likewise.
~~~~~
To Annon whom I know reads both my blog and my friends...we are onto where you are from.  Our children are happy, attached, and doing well. Despite your know it all attitude...
So help me God if you feel the need to tell either one of us we should have never had children or adopted again...I will pay for the upgraded ISP tracking service and not only know with in a mile of where you are but your actual address!!  I have no patience for bullshit like yours.  It is people like you who give mental illness of all kinds a bad name! 

Update: Obviously, someone was a tad paranoid.  Still didn't hide your info.  Just told me that you attempted to hide your info.

Simple

Portrait taken during Senior Portrait Session at the local Botancial Garden

Somedays all you can do is keep it simple ...

.... today would be one of those days.

I'm not a Hallmark fan. I dont' get overly excited about flowers or crap like that.  My son has developed a rather significant/severe allergy to mold that is found commonly in household plants/fruit.  We are making an special effort to NOT have any sort of houseplant or flowers in our home.  We do have a cactus that will be finding a new home soon.  Therefore, there is no special "flowers"...they die anyway.  I mentioned....I'm not a big fan of the holiday. 

A simple..."I Love You" and making a point to spend quality time together is all I ask.  I did not buy a card. I did not buy my husband a gift.  He actually bought his own gift. I called him while he was at Ace Hardware last night and said "uh...pick up that tool box you wanted...."  That is how we roll!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My kids often count "how many sleeps" to something they are excited or happy about doing.  After tonight....I have 2 more sleeps.  Then I get so see my dear sweeet friend S* and her family.  I don't care about seeing her family. (No offense S* meant).  I just am so blessed and excited to hear her voice...in person.  Her smile.  Her laugh.  Her awesome hugs.  Simple things!  That mean the world to me.

I've lost track (or I've tried to not think about it bc I'm excited and nervous and well.....I will leave it at that) but after these few 'sleeps'...it will be less than 12-13 sleeps and I will get to hug, kiss, love on her...and vise versa again....with a few other of my dear sweet trauma momma friends.  I need this time to refuel my cup...and so does everyone of the 89 other woman who will join us...and the 7 other woman that I will share a house with for 3 days.

It's Going to Be Alright

Several months ago, one of my sweet soul sisters posted this on my FB page or her blog post. I can't remember.  Regardless, it spoke volumes to my heart on a day that I really needed it.

It has been several months since I've heard or even thought about this song.

I woke up in a deep sweat and rather panicky in the night.  Frustrated, crying, and just plain upset with thoughts of..."here it is my flippen day off...the ONE day I can sleep past 3:45am...and I have to wake up from a horrible nightmare."  As I laid there fighting back the tears and praying that I could just go back to sleep...I remembered the words to this song.

It's going to be alright!

I don't know when.
I don't know where.
I don't know how.

But....it will be. Somehow, I will get past this dark place that I've been in. 
Yesterday was a better day.  Almost like I had a high and couldn't seem to get past that.   And here it is nearing 4:30am and I'm struggling with not getting in my car and driving off.  I don't know where I would drive to so I will just stay home.  And try to remember...."It's Going to Be Alright".

The Beginning....

and definately

not the end!



~Everyday~

I tell myself..."this too shall pass..."   And with every day I believe it less and less.  It will I know that. I really do.  However, at that moment in time (or right now) it is rather hard to believe....this too shall pass.

I seen my chiro yesterday morning before another appt that I had.  My shoulder and ribs have been bothering me (nothing unusual to be honest) more and more.  He agreed that taking it easy yesterday wouldn't be a bad idea.  He also told me he didn't believe I should work the weekend.  I decided taking last night off would be the lessor of two evils when it came to working and loosing hours.  So I called in sick last night.  Hoping and believing that I could work tonight and Sunday.  Monday and Tuesday are my days off this week.  I ended up calling in sick today. It's a good thing to be honest.

Day 3 of taking this lovely med didn't go as bad as the first night.  However, my body and mind already knew what to expect.  I didn't vomit as much last night as the two previous nights.  But enough to be frustrating all the same.

I've had an upset stomach.  Today it is much worse.  Sour, muted, stinky breathe and gassy stomach.   I stink.  Everything about me stinks. I can't shower enough. I can't brush my teeth enough.  I crave ICE COLD drinks and ICE!!!  I can't get enough the more I drink.  The more I want.  The more ice I chew the more I want.  I've made several home-made icee's.  It isn't enough.  I can't get this taste out of my mouth.  My tongue - oh' dear lord my tongue...it feels as though I've burnt it over and over and over again. 

Sleeping is an issue.  Yet, it always is an issue.  It's different though.  And I'm not sure if it is med related or not. 

I've read a little bit about the side effects.  I'm trying hard not read anything online about side effects.  I believe very strongly that every single med has a side effect that will be an issue and cause you to not want to take it if you truly don't want to take a medication.  I dislike taking ANY and ALL medications...even pain pills such as tylonal.  So I've read only the basics.

I'm in a little better space than I was the last couple of posts.  I'm thankful for beautiful friends, even though they are 5 hours away, who listen w/o passing judgement.  Who make me laugh, when I really don't think I could laugh at all.  Who get it w/o trying to fix me (giving me ideas and such is not FIXING.....just so you know. hehehehe)  You know who you are and thank you so incredible much.

Day 3...

Of having a horrendous headache/migraine.   Started with neck and shoulder pain on Thursday.  Turned headache.

Friday night I slept horrible.  Nightmare city.  Panic city.  Woke up with a killer headache. 

Chiropractor appt helped.  Then it started back in yesterday afternoon.  And all night.  Stressed and feeling like a complete failure for having to call in sick again for the 2nd day in a row if this didn't go away by morning I went to bed in tears.  Fighting the downward spiral that would make this headache worse.

I cancelled a photoshoot for today before going to bed.   Took more tylonal than my body should have had and off to sleep.  And i slept!!  Big deep sleep. 

When my alarm went off at 5am for work i swear it was as if it jumped on my face it hurt so much.

Showered and then crawled back in bed after realizing there was no dang way I could work with this horrendous migraine.

Called chiropractor and he said come back.  So i just did.  He said my neck and shoulders was way worse than yesterday.  He gave me a work note and encouraged me to get a massage.  Which air am.  AGAIN...but not with Heather.  I should have called her.  I feel guilty bc its the weekend.  So I called Massage E.nvy.  oi!  Praying for some relief.  My chiropractor ...hes a gem.  He knows me and knows me well.   He mentioned that he is certain the 'muscle tightness is in relation to my emotional state of mind.  I said to him ive not said anything to you and haven't seen you in 2 weekend. He said he knows me and knows me well.   I laughed. 

This has been a long spurt.  I'm ready for a break.  Even fof a few days.  I will take anything.  I got a lil chuckle when another friend told me she found some article of clothing in her attic that reminded her of me and she cried because she missed me.  Why did I chuckle....bc yesterday while I was in bed my son slammed a door in the house.  When I saw her a few weeks ago she gave me a picture frame with a lil blurp from my favorite song...F@caking Perfect by Pink.  When the door slammed it fell off my headboard and on my face.  Remember my head hurts....but at that moment I missed her. And the tears flowed.  It was my Father in Heavens way of reminding me...I'm not alone. 

Random Thoughts

One of the hardest things for me to accept and deal with over the last several years is the random - out of nowhere - suicidal thoughts that seam to pop into my thinking at any given moment.

This afternoon I was brought to tears and a near anxiety attack as I drov over this bridge.

This picture doesn't do the bridge true justice.  It wasn't part of my driving path on the way to visit my Sweet Soul Sister.  Somehow, my GPS decided to take me a different route - one that went via Gary, Indiana and then right smack into down town Chi-town!

As I drove over the bridge my thoughts went from listening to Pink's F*cking Perfect...to thinking "whoa...good thing I don't live near any bridges like this".

 And few other things that I will choose not to share at this time. I was more than visable upset.  My daughter, snoozing off-on in the front seat asked me what was wrong.  I portrayed it as nothing bad sweetheart, I'm just tired of driving and the GPS is taking us a different route...which scares me bc I don't know my way around.  She accepted my answer and closed her eyes.

I snapped back into reality and then became angry.  Very angry.  Angry at myself for allowing these things to creep into my day/weekend.  Angry that I had such a wonderful time w/my sweet soul sister and was able to just be...me and for the last 2 days was rather anxiety free (there were moments...but nothing that was not w/in my control).

I'm sure it probably sounds crazy....but every.single.time thoughts like what happened to me on my way home today....take me by surprise.  And when I'm in a much better space...it angers me.  When I'm not in a very good space -- it is no real surprise and I basically don't give a sh*t.   

The next time I take a road trip, such as I did this weekend.....I will be sure that my route to return home will be the same route that I took in the same place!  I don't like surprises.  No....I DO NOT!!  And that bridge...took me by surprise.  I seriously, did not expect myself to have the reaction that I did.

Thankfulness Project Monday

Friendships:
My heart is so full this evening as I think about what a wonderful weekend my children and I had.  And I'm truly blessed for a wonderful frienship that has blossomed over the last few months.  Having someone that truly knows what it is like to fight daily, weekly, monthly w/the demons of suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, ect ect...is a truly blessing in disguise.  Truly...a blessing in disguise.

Children:
My children are rockstars!   They are the reason why I get up every day.  They are the reason why I not only get up but go to work  (almost everday)!  I am so proud of the beautiful people that they are becoming. 

Job:I often complain about my job. I often am triggered by my job.  Actually, every single day I am triggered by my job.  Regardless, I am so thankful that I have this position. I'm thankful that I've been able to keep and maintain fulltime employment for 2 full years and 1 yr part time before being promoted to full time.  I often think back to not very long ago when my psychiatrist encouraged me to apply for SSDI.  I flat out refused. I knew that I could work and be productive. I also knew that working was healthy for me.  Most of the time.  There have been many times over the last several years where I have thought about giving up, applying for SSDI and accepting that as my fate.  Right now that will not be my fate.  There are so many people who want to work and are not able to do so. I may need a reminder about this in a few hours when I'm working a 12 hour day w/o a break.  When my body is sore from the physical nature of my job.  When my anxiety is in full blown "I can not do this anymore" and am ready to give up.

This post is a offspring of Thankfulness Project Monday.  I'm thankful I found her blog and for the sweet and tender advice that I've picked up from her posts.

Thankfulness Project Monday

It's Monday....

Which means it is THANKFULNESS PROJECT MONDAY.

GRACE:  I am thankful for the Lord's Grace.  Plain, cut, simple and dry.  The last week has been rather ugly.  And at the end of the day it is His grace and tender mercies that I try hard to find comfort in.

Soul Sisters:  I am quite certain this is going to be an ongoing part of my Thankfulness Project Monday post.  It brings me to tears every.single time I think about it.  This coming holiday weekend, I'm pretty certain I will be traveling about 5-6 hours to go visit one of the sweet soul sisters.  I couldn't be more excited.  I hope and pray that everything works out and I am able to make that trip.  We need to just sit and be!  Maybe even find some good finds at a thrift shop or two.  Oh' how I wish some of the other Soul Sisters could join us.  Soon though...I think we will be making a plan to see others if at all possible.



~There Are No Words~

...to adaquetly describe the thoughts and feelings I have when I look at this picture.

To the general reader....

it is just another picture. 

Edited in a Yesteryear.  Sun shinning brightly and reflecting off the metal structure that it is.

To myself....

...it is something far greater. 
...it is something that reminds me that regardless of how I might think or feel TODAY....

I am NOT Alone.
You are NOT Alone.

Just as the ferris wheel goes up and down...

...so does life. 

Sometimes the ride is bumpy.

Sometimes the ride is smooth.

Sometimes the ride is so bumpy you pray it will end.

Sometimes the ride is so smooth you pray it will never end.

 

I

No words.....

...to accurately describe.

Nothing profound..

Soul Sisters far deeper than our connection via adoption.
Soul Sisters who truly share a kindred heart and soul.

Two families came together this weekend.  Never having met each other before.

Orchestrated by luck, love, and fate.

There will be more trips to Chi-town in both of our futures I am certain of that.

*picture is a mobile pic from the bottom of the Navy Pier Ferris Wheel....Sun shinning brightly and keeping our hearts full!

BEST KIND of THERAPY!

Impromptu road trip to see one of your soul sisters!

Chicago may never be the same.

I went to bed and woke up rather stressed about getting hurt last night at work.  Visit to tue Dr confirmed what I knew....I am going to hurt like a mother heffer.  And no work for today and tmw.  I have Monday and Tuesday off. 

My husband joked to bad we didn't plan on going to see this lady and her family before....

We discussed Chicago for a road trip.  We discussed going to her hometown.  End result...we are headed to Chicago tonight and in 2 weeks we will PRAY i can get off work and head to see this family again!!

So excited.....and SORE!!