Saturday, November 26, 2011

Random Ramblings of a Just Keep Swimming Mindset

While I was working earlier in the week I thought about an analogy that I've heard someone else mention before.  The "coming back to myself" after a long spurt of depression or a dark depressive spurt. 

I dont' go swimming often.  I'm not a great swimmer by any means.  When I do go swimming, I sometimes will dive too deep.  I will find myself panicked for a few seconds.  As I (or you) push yourself to the top of the water, I think I'm never going to make it.  This is the end.  My body is burning and screaming over and over and the end (or top) is so far away.  I am certain that I am no longer able to go any longer.  And then....just like that...I manage to burst out of the water. 

The first gasp of air is refresting, because it’s such a relief.  I can’t believe it’s real, and I’m left drinking in as much oxygen as I can because I’m afraid it will run out.

That first breath of air is the closest I can get to explaining what it’s like when my depression lifts.  Constantly gasping for a breathe.


I cannot fight the demons in my head without the help of medication and a therapist. I am unable to move forward without leaning on others for a bit of help. I will never be that strong person I once was before my children were born.

Over the last week, this realization became very clear to me.  A very depressing realization.

Do you ever look at your life and think to yourself  "how the hell did I get to this point?  How the hell did I get to this point when I used to be so strong?  How....I could get so mentally unstable at times when I was once so strong?

Yeah!  Me, too! 


I've started/stopped several more "ramblings". I can't bring myself to post it tonight.  It is nearly 11pm and I have a child who needs to go to bed before my husband comes home and gets pissy bc the kid is still up.

1 comment:

Tara - SanitySrchr said...

Oh wow! The swimming picture is such a real picture of depression. Unfortunately, I'm all too familiar with it, and when I come up for air, it's usually the Mt. Everest kind...the kind too far up. Where's the happy sea level kind of breathing?