Thursday, November 10, 2011

What Next?

I am 7+ years post gastric bypass surgery.  I'm not thin.  I did get thin the year or so after my surgery.  And during that time, things kind of fell apart in the mental health department.  Until my surgery, the medication that I took obviously helped for the most part.  However, the last 7 years has been an up and down ride.  One filled with much frustration, pain, and grief all in one. 

For a very long time after my surgery I said over and over that I would "do it all over again....regardless" of where/what I was enduring at that point in time. 

Today, would not be one of those days.
I've gained a good bit of the weight I lost back.
I had to have a hysterectomy because of iron issues.
I am struggling w/significant iron issues - even after having hysterectomy.
I've been hospitalized a few different times for various different reasons bc of illness' and other issues.
Malabsorption is an issue.....large issue. 
Today, would be one of those days....where I would tell you hell no...I would not do it again.

I contacted the surgical team after leaving a therapy appointment this morning.  The nurse and one of the doctors were great.  Offered to contact my therapist and psychiatrist right away.  The family practice doctor contacted the private mental health clinic that I go to while I was there in the clinic.  Both clinicians I see were in session.  Which is understandable.  The nurse relayed a message from the dr. that suggested I make an appt with the Bariatric Team Psychiatrist.

So up the stairs I went to the 3rd floor to make an appt.  And was told the first appt he had available was "February 27 or 28..." RIGHT BEFORE I go to Orlando.  I did not make the appt. Discouraged and beaten down I left.  Before I did, the receptionist said to me "____ we can get you in at *xyz* clinic with in the next week or two."  At that point, for the 2 or 3rd time today, I fell apart.  The only thing I could muster up the strength to say, I know wasn't very smart, was...."by then I will be 6 ft under".  And I left.

I don't know what is next.
I know that I'm more than frustrated.
I know that I'm beaten down.
I know that I'm discouraged.
I know that I'm trying to find something to hold on to.

After eating lunch, phone call to one of dear Soul Sisters, and a trip to L.ands E.nd - I headed home.
went straight to bed and didn't emerge till dinner was done.

 As soon as my children are in bed, I will be returning to my bed.  One of few things will happen. I will wake up and this shit will be gone. Fixed. And just a horrible dream.  That would be the best outcome.  And the only outcome I care to think about tonight.


Kristine said...

I love you. Just know that!

I can't do anything to make you better, but I can make sure you know that my life is better for knowing you!

GB's Mom said...

You are loved.