Struggling to remind myself to just breathe! 

Yesterday wasn't such a good day.  My husband had a few doctor appts.  I got up and rode with him. Spent a few hours in the car.  The alternative would be that I stayed home.  And staying home would have meant it would have been a very large struggle to get myself to stay up and out of bed.  So I went with him.

We went to lunch at the mall and headed to J.CP for a Christmas gift that my son showed my husband last night he loved.  We had a $10 off coupon.  The gift we bought ended up costing $3.17 and I couldn't be happier about that.  Need to love the coupons that flood your mailbox this time of year.  Many go in the garbage.

There are many positives that happened today and I am trying very hard to focus on just that...and breathe!! 

I'm struggling to keep the hopeless thoughts and thinking at bay. I don't understand it. I don't get it.  It sucks!

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I've never been a med seeker. I hate medication.  I also don't take it willingly.  I don't agree with my pdocs choice to leave things at bay.  I understand her stance. I understand where she is coming from.  It doesn't mean I have to agree with it.  Somehow, her thoughts of continue with the Fearless Living Group and individual thearpy is what is needed right now.  I don't. 

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I woke up yesterday morning with a clear head.  Excited it was a new week.  And ready to return to work.  Tonight, the thought of returning to work is incredible horrifying.  Not because I dont' want to work. I want to work. I miss my coworkers. I really do miss the good customers.  Of course, I don't miss the politics and such that comes along with my job.  However, that will always be there.  I get that. I am worried that if I return on Friday and in a week when I see my pdoc she does agree and/or decide to try some sort of medication...I will be back to square one.  And financially....we cant' afford for me to go back to work only to end up for me to be off again and have to start that waiting period all over.  So...there needs to be big clarifications this week.

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BTW: Insomnia SUX!!  Thus why this post is being wrote at 4:30-5am.