Tuesday, November 8, 2011

"I had no clue"

Over the weekend my son was baptized. I know I mentioned it before.  However, a few things have come to the surface since that day.  It was a very small gathering.  A few members from our ward and a friend/co-worker of mine.

One of the ladies who came and gave a talk also happens to be a passenger that I have once in a while.  I've known her since I was in Young Women's 20+ years ago.  I learned over the weekend that she was baptized around that same time 20+ yrs ago, only because my husband was a missionary here in our current ward.  He remembers the set of Elders/Missionaries who were in the area at the time.  He served in this same ward shortly after she was baptized.  She is a nurse at a local hospital.  She is a very sweet and dear lady.

L* and I were talking as we were both leaving the building.  She made some sort of comment such as "I will see you in Relief Society tmw".  Matter of fact I replied with "Probably not.  I will attend Sacrament and will most likely leave after that."  She knew I wasn't working and added a few other remarks such as she would love to see me there.  It was a rather awkward moment.  One that I felt the need to clarify.  And so I did, rather reluctantly. 

Other than our bishop, whom I spoke w/about this in our home and a VERY few IRL people....my battle with depression, anxiety, S.I, and such is a very private manner.  So mentioning to her why I generally only attend Sacrament was rather tough.  I was very taken back in some ways by her response.  She stopped dead in her tracks. Looked at me and sincerely said "__ I had NO clue."  I followed it up with "It isn't something I discuss and is part of the reason I'm not working right now".  I figured she didn't need to know more.  It is what it is.  And she had enough information that is all she needed.

I'm struggling, again!

It is an up and down battle. 

I'm trying very hard to keep myself busy.  Seriously, I'm in some sort of a manic, crazy, can't stop bc if I do I will end up crashing hard mode.  So I've cooked. I've cleaned. I've not slept.  I've walked the dogs. I've been up and down and all over the dang place. 

I received a phone late last evening from the sweet Sister whom I mentioned above.  She was on her way home from work.  And because she usually sees me at work she was thinking of me.  After she got home she felt like she needed to check in and see how I was really doing.  At first I was taken back and felt like "I don't really want/need to air my dirty laundry out there.  How do I know I can trust her?" And many other things.  Of course, I didn't tell her that on my way home from my group meeting tonight I had to focus myself deeply on doing something constructive...aka: talking to someone on the phone bc if I didn't the urge to drive down a cliff or into the barrier wall was so incredible strong.  She didn't need to know those things.

She cared.  She cared enough to let me know "I am not Alone".  I often hear this 'phrase' and sometimes get rather discouraged and disgusted by it.  However, it is sooo very true.  Last week on several different occasions when this song popped into my IPOD play list there was no stopping the tears.

Find solace. Find comfort.  Find whatever it is that you need....and know...YOU are NOT ALONE!!  (click on link to hear music)

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