Date Night

For the first time in as long as I can remember....

My dh and I are going on a date!

Just us.

No kids.
No friends.

To see the Farley Brother's.

We will go to Red Lobster for dinner with the kids for dinner.  Then take them home.

I need this.

As in REALLY need this.

Next up....

Try and plan a trip to see my Bestie 2 states away.
Jodi has asked a few times this week if I have seen or talked to her.

I need to see her!

Different and Smiles

I'm still in a dark place.

Yes, I'm hearing the things that others are telling me.
Yes, I know you are all right.
Yes, depression is a lying bastard and even though I know these things....I don't believe them.

I am at a point that is much different than other spurts that I've experienced with severe depression. It is hard to explain. I can't seem to put my hand on it.  I've tried to process this on my own.  I'm not doing so well with it.  Maybe, it is just my brain trying to convince me of more lies and more asshatry.

The layers of loss, grief, and tears run deep.  Much like peeling an onion; each layer is different.  Brings more tears.  Brings more loss.  Brings more grief.  Attempting to cut threw those layers with a food chopper isn't working so well.

A new approach is needed.  I don't know what that should look like.  Maybe there isn't one needed.  Maybe, it is just my brain trying to convince me otherwise.

Whatever it may be...I'm ready to have this move up and out.

Tonight as I write this, I'm able to see and feel a little bit lighter.  The fog is still thick.  Yet, it has lifted slightly.  I wish at moments like this I could bottle it up and take it w/me to my appt w/Jodi. Savoring that little bit of clarity as the fog has lifted a bit.

EVERYONE SMILES IN THE SAME LANGUAGE!

Amen!  Yes we do!

No Words to Really Deacribe

Today our oldest becomes an adult.
He ages out of the system.
A system who guaranteed us he was better off with us terminating our parental rights in order to give him the ability to get he help he needed.
He didn't get that help.
The system failed more than our son.
It failed the lives of many others
He graduated a year early. 
Which leaves him an adult.

Happy 18th Birthday C*

Darkest of Days...continue

I've been released to go back to my normal work duties for 2 hours per day.  On Monday, my boss(es) were not to supportive when it came to accomodating me.  I made it very clear that my surgeon was not interested in letting me go back to work when he found out that my job includes overhead work.  And that he agreed to allow me to try this schedule.  They changed their tune real quick when the HR manager got a phone call from me letting her know what they said.

When I saw the surgeon on Monday, he was very encouraged by the progress I've had.  He believes very strongly that the previous orthopedic office did more damage than good.  I wasn't making steady progress because I was doing to much to soon.  I'm still facing surgery.  The only difference is it will be a much quicker recovery than I would have had before.

And...I hurt.  A TON.  Working feels good and right!  But, I'm in a great deal of pain.  I came home from work 2 hours than I normally do today because I am starting earlier.

We had plans for an early dinner out tonight for my birthday.  Instead, I stopped and bought take-n-bake pizzas.  Came home and went to bed.  I've been up for about an hour.  My kids and husband just left for Wednesday night church activities.

I'm going back to bed.

Lil Sunshine

What things tend to keep you occupied when you can't sleep?

This video and many others found on y.outube.

I don't know about you...but every single time I watch this video I can't help but smile.

Darkest of Days

Tonight I read this post.  And then sobbed my crazy head off.

It is true...
These are the darkest of days.
They will pass.
There will always be the fear that these outbreaks will continue on forever and return more frequent.
That is life.
These days are MORE than the darkest.
I know that listening to my brain, when it is trying to kill me, is ass-hackery.
I won't forget this bought. I don't know that I will come out on top.
I know that quitting would be easiest...and I also know it isn't an option.


These things and more...
That is depression.
Depression fucking lies.
And these are the lies it is telling me at this moment.

There are no words.
Just this picture.
Which speaks loud and clear.

If J* said once during my appt this morning she said 100xs "that is depression lying to you".  And several other forms of the same comment.

I heard her.
I don't believe her.

Finding Hope - Unreedemed

I've posted this video before.  This evening it is speaking to my heart.  It is what I need to hear.  I need to find that hope....I don't know where that Grace will be.  It will appear...and I know in my heart it will be amazing.  It just may take me longer to find it.

Picking Up the Pieces

I'm nothing but brutally honest.  The train wreck that seems to be my emotional and physical self has been long time coming.

Believe it or not there have been and was some good moments/days and weeks over the last few months.

I don't know what brings you back to continue reading. I'm aware of my own train wreck and the spiral that has been happening.

If you are mutual FB friends or follow the 'I Will Get Up Again' FB you may be aware of the events that transpired yesterday.

I spoke at length this morning with H* (massage therapist)  abt the events that transpired yesterday.   She was aware to some extent based on FB status and the overall energy that I brought with me. 

Even though I went to my massage appt attempting Kay best to check the stuff at the door....it was very present.   And my intentions of having 90 minutes of relaxation and attempt to quiet my mind.....turned into the complete opposite.   I'm still trying to process what H* and I discussed and what work was done on the table in forms of energy/body work.

My head has not stopped hurting since I was on the table this morning.  Tylonal hasn't begun to touch it.

I have a therapy appt in the morning.  I'm a tad overwhelmed and don't even know where to begin, what to touch upon, or anything close to it.  The more I attempt to find a middle ground the more out of control emotionally I am.

Picking up the pieces gets uglier and uglier.  And is of worth it.

Spiral downward

I'm home. I didn't go far to begin with.  I didn't really have anywhere to go.  And leaving w/o any essential items such as clothes makes it even harder to just show up somewhere.

I found a country road and drove back and forth for a rather long time.  Thoughts of missing one turn or the other were rampid as ever.  I've gotten in my car and left before.  I've went somewhere.  Tonight, I didn't have it in me to get out of my car or do anything other than just drive.  And drive.

And then I got tired of doing that and trusted myself less and less.

And so I came home and I sat in my driveway.  For several hours.  With my sunroof open.  Tears falling.  It wasn't very pretty.  My husband texting me I needed to come home.  Wanting to know where I was. Demanding that I call my therapist office.  Refusing to do anything but just sit there w/the sunroof open.

I've spiraled into a deep hole today.  It's been in the works for a long time.  I keep thinking that tmw will be different.  And tmw isn't ever different.  I had high hopes for today.  And then I screwed it up.

Left with nowhere to go

I've left my house in an effort not to beat the shit out of someone...

~~~~~~~~~

I've exchanged words with my SIL today via FB and private texting.  I've managed to piss my husband and his entire family off.  I've spent one to many years refraining from telling that bitch to go to hell.  I didn't refrain today.  Nope.  In doing so my husband is pretty much had enough of me.  And has told me I need to drop it.

~~~~~~~~

In the process of telling my SIL to go to hell,  I sent a very good friend of mine a message that pretty much stated....if she associates with Sil she can choose to be SIL friend and I will not have anything to do with.  She clearly knows the pain and wrath of hell SIL has spewed towards me.  And I'm not putting up with it anymore.

In doing so I hurt my friends feelings.  I know that she did nothing.   I know she is guilty by association and it is probably unfair of me to make her choose.  Quite honestly ..I don't give a shit.

~~~~~~~~~~

My daughter felt the need to get lippy with me as I attempted to tell her not to pick something up that was hot.  I guess touching her shoulder was shoving her.  Which is not at all what happened.   One thing led to another.  Her accusing me of pushing and hitting her.  I never fucking touched her. 

I ended up leaving the house. Because if I didn't I would have shoved and hit her ....to prove what it is really like.

She acts like she truly hates me.  I'm sure she does.   She has made it clear she disapproves of my reaction and thoughts abt our oldest child.   I've managed to end up with one kid who hated me...wtf is the difference with another? 

~~~~~~~~~~

Everywhere I turn I'm got shit being thrown at me.  I'm so over whatever the lesson that this spurt in life is supposed to be teaching me.

Essentially..I have snapped.  It is things such as this I'm certain my children would be so much better off without me.  They deserve better.

Flow

My flow is lacking lately.   Just when I thought there was a break around the corner ....the flow turned a different corner on the river bend.  Throwing at me more rocks and bumps in the river bend.

Several weeks ago, I metioned in a few posts the horrid surgical consult that I had.  I has taken me since the beginning of May to get a copy of this report.  I was extremely taken back by what the surgeon dictated.

I'm angry.  This fucking moron never touched me.  NEVER.

It is taking some serious restraint not to send this doctor a message via the online mychart and call him out....for what he is. Fucking moron.

As I said my flow is pretty messed up.  My massage therapist commented on something on FB and said something very powerful.  "___ , remember FLOW rather than stagnany.

Not Good.

Holdin' Holden: An open letter to a friend

Follow the link above.  Have Kleenex handy.  It is tender and loving. 

I'm not doing well.   And have nothing to say tonight....I'm done with life and the shit it is trying to teach me.  FUCKING DONE!

Meet Julianna

She just came into my work.
She changed my entire outlook for the day.
She is just one if the things that I love so incredible much.

My dogs are my bff!  They know when I'm REALLY struggling. 

We don't need another pug.  But, I sure could use me some puppy love.

It is Piss.

I saw this picture on another blog this morning. To be honest I can't remember whose blog it was on.  I know it was a fellow trauma mama whose blog is in my reader.

It kind of fits me perfectly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There's much I want to blog about...as in get off my chest.  I do this for me. Not for others.  In blogging about these things, I know I'm opening myself up for criticism. 


I was told today by several people that I've over reacted to something that was rather hurtful to me.  It started with my BIL and then my mom.  And then just went down the line from there.  I'm choosing to not go into detail because in all honesty....I'm not in a space that I can take the criticism.  (If we are FB friends, you follow my FB page, or you just know me IRL...you are aware of the issue.  And once again, I respectfully ask you to respectfully keep your own opinions to yourself if you are going to be critical...SORRY...it's just where I'm at emotionally right now...fragile would be an understatement)

As I've thought about this situation and the various different outcomes today...I keep thinking about this "glass half empty-half full-this is piss" picture.

Here are my thoughts on this situation and so much more:

It is piss.   There's no "thinking" about it.  It is pure piss!


I'm sure that taking this issue up in therapy might be helpful...it's the beating a dead horse mantra in my ever so humble opinion.  Thus, for the most part I try not to go there.

No Title

I made a very conscious choice to pick my head up, wipe away the tears and walk into my house.  Leaving every bit of the pain,  grief, and anger that filled my day....on the interstate.  Which I did...or...tried very hard to do.

PTSD has reared its ugly head.  I've been hurt to my core. 

The Heat is Suffocating

I am going to blame the heat for my not so good emotional breakdown at work today.

A week away from The Boys 18 birthday, someone who resembled his bio mom, comment via FB from my grandpa regarding my birth father, an email from my birth fathers mom, and near 100 degree heat index and I lost it.  As in sat in a puddle of tears.

Concentration on my breathe wasn't even something I could muster the strength todo.

Suffocating is all I say...the heat,  reminders of so much all around me, everyone and everything....suffocating.

Patience

The alternative to sitting here and blogging at 3 am...sleep.
That would make to much sense.
On a good note...the dishes are washed, dried and put away.
My laundry is almost done.
And I've cursed SmugMug out 100x's over as I attempted to upload photos to their website.

Did I mention that I can't sleep.

Therapy is tough right now.  I can't seem to put words to the thoughts/emotions/memories that seem to flood in/out.  And that is the tough part.  I tell myself I will...and damn it all I"m gonna untie that knot a little bit more. And the moment I attempt to untie it little by little it gets snagged up again....and again.

I wish I could gather a little more understanding WHY the verbal part of this is so hard.


Tonight...
...I'm getting impatient with this process.  
...and tonight I'm frustrated beyond belief with myself.
...and tonight I'm fighting the urge to get in my car. I don't know where to go.  Because, everyone irks me right now.  I have no where to go.  No one to turn to. 
...and tonight I wish therapy wasn't tough and slow and muddy all in one.
...and tonight I want to be able to sleep.

Mindful Breathing

The "Do As One" Facebook page recently had a status that read something on the lines of "pay attention to your next three breathes".

As I continue to untie the knots,  remembering not to yank or pull to hard, it is equally important to pay attention to my breathing.

I've participated in a Mindfullness group centered around depression and anxiety.  I also, have participated in a DBT group.  Both of these group, ongoing therapy, and many other life factors these things are nothing new to me.

H* told me  something I already knew.  Yet, when it came from her this it stuck with me. She was talking directly to me.
About me.
Not in general group terms.
In terms that relate me.
I'm trying hard not to yank.
Trying hard to be gentle with myself.
Trying hard to keep the healthy boundries with myself.  And not revert to self harm behavior / tendacies. It is tough.  Today...really tough.

So paying attention to my next 3 breathes...important. I'm HERE and not in the past or future.

Knots

“If you want to untie a knot,

you must look at the cord carefully

and gently undo the tangle.

Yanking the cord will only

make the knot tighter.”

-Thomas Hanna

I took the above quote off of my massage therapist website.  She has a page about "Untying Knots".  I've read this particular page many times over the last several months.  I speaks volumes to the path that I seem to be on right now.

Not to many days ago as I sat in Jodi's office I couldn't help thinking that I am just done with this path that I'm on.  Whatever it takes to end it. I wanted it done.  I want this knot untied. I want to be rid of the weight it seems to have placed on me.  I want to either tie it all back up and stuff it all back away.  And if I can't do that then yank this crap so it's done and over with.

Clearly those thoughts and way of thinking are not what would be helpful in untying the knots.  These knots are old and fragile.  They've been there for 30+ years.  And yanking on them will only cause more damage.  The logical part of me knows and understands this.  The impatient part of me says...the hell with it..lets just get it done and over with.  It is kind of the same mindset that I have with my shoulder.  Come on already.  Patience and slow are not my best personality trait.

And so, slowly these knots are being untied.

I will attempt to not yank on them.

I will attempt to trust this process of slow and steady.  

I Will Always Love You

Nothing can change how incredible much I love and miss my boy...today.

And every day.

Confessions.....

...of a thumb sucker.

This post called "Confessions of a Thumbsucker" really hit home.

Just like the author of this article...I am in my late 30's and still suck my thumb.
I've also went months on end w/o sucking my thumb.
I also have days where it is something that I can't control and find my thumb in my mouth all.the.dayum.day.long!!

This evening my BIL walked past me and whispered in my ear "__ your thumb is in your mouth".  My youngest was quick to tell him "she does that when she's upset and ** (his wife) really upset her today". 

We've never discussed w/our children why mom sucks her thumb.  We also have never corrected our children for doing the same thing.  My mom did everything in her power to get me to stop.  Obviously, as I hit 40 yrs old...it didn't work. 

As the author of this article states:

You will go on and do the things that you do to keep you feeling safe or alive or relevant or scared or lovable or whatever way you need to feel to keep on keeping on in the world.

And I will continue to suck muy thumb.

Jennifer writes:  It’s like nothing I could ever explain to you, this feeling of safety it gives me. The feeling of relaxation. The feeling of being high.  The feeling of it’s going to be alright.

Again, I couldn't echo that loud enough.  Not to long ago my husband made a comment about this habit.  My response was on the lines of what Jennifer said.  I just had him read this article.  He didn't respond with any sort of emotion.  He knows afte rnearly 20 yrs of marriage that having a conversation with me about this subject will not end well.

He learned long ago in our marriage that saying anything to me about it, specially negative, would only cause more grief on his part. 

It is something I do without even knowing I'm doing it.  It's been months since I have woke up from biting myself.  This week, I've woke every.single.night!!  This evening is no different, I find myself wide awake.  Unable to fall back asleep with teeth marks on my thumb.

Mental Illness

Divides families.
Ends marriages.
Divides friendships.
Alters faith.....and soooo much more!

Today I'm reminded at every turn how incredible awful and painful this illness is.

The loss of a child.
The loss of a friendship.
The loss of sooo much more than words can say.

Today as I have tried so hard to put the toughness of this week behind me....I'm reminded all over again how the depths of depression and every form of mental illness cuts deep.

The tears sting my cheaks for totally different reasons, than previous days.  Today it is all about the depth of loss
  And how incredible deep it is.

Inlaws

Spending time with my SIL (my BIL's wife) always causes great anxiety.  Now that we live near them it makes it harder to avoid them.  We live less than a mile away.

This weekend my husbands sister and her family will be traveling here from another state.

I'm not able to 'opt out' of the gathering tmw.  It is for a good friend of mine's sons bd party.  Not going isn't really an option.  Unless, I'm dying.  I would rather be dying than spend time w/my SIL.

Next Friday night my husband got 10 free tickets to a local comedy club.  He invited my BIL/SIL to come.  He told me today "I would rather *brother* not come if it means *sil* won't come.  It is your birthday and the last thing you should have to do is put up w/her dumb ass.  *WHOA..my dh swore. Mark it on the calendar.*

All this to say.....my anxiety level has already been on high alert.  I've already been struggling w/keeping myself in a safe space.  And the added stress has me in a whirlwind of panic. 

Thus...why I'm composing...again...a blog post at 2am.  I can't sleep.  One of these days I will stop being the better person and tell *SIL* where to stick her stupid self. 

What did you do today?

It was to hot to eat anything today. 
I thought about eating cupcakes. 
I didn't want to puke....bc as I said it was to hot to eat anything.
Instead, I drank the normal diet soda.  It is my comfort go-to item.  With LOTS of ice. 

I'm now researching y.east allergies.  It appears that my diet will need to radically change.  I had a severe allergic reaction to a yeast injection I received on Tuesday morning.  I guess cupcakes won't be on that restriction.  Makes me want one even more.

Obstacle

Trauma sucks.  It has reared its ugly head in my life right now (and in the past) in a way that is much more than I can handle at moments.

Insomnia sucks on a good day.  When it is related to trauma...it sucks even more.  It is in the wee hours of the morning and I"m sitting at my kitchen table.  Once asleep night terrors wake me up or they don't and my husband ends up waking me up.  Wondering "why are you breathing like that?" and many other things as he attempts to wake me, make sense of it for himself, and get me to talk to him.  There is no talking about anything. I give up and get out of bed.

The last week has thrown some things smack dab in my face.  It may appear that I've completely fallen apart.  This isn't really true.  I've come unglued.  Fraid and tattered a bit.  But I'm holding on little by little.

I've managed to stay away from self harm/destruct behaviors over the last month or so.  It hasn't been easy.  It is a slippery slope. And one that I've come close to falling down many times. Each time I've picked myself up, choosen to not engage myself in the battle and continued to move fwd and face the pain and ugliness at that moment.  J* mentioned today she wanted to hear me "own it...and mean it".  I will OWN IT...I KNOW I've done it.

At times that obstacle of staying on top of the slope is to much.  Nothing is accomplished.  Nothing is gained.  Everything is lost.  All of the internal dialog work to find a safe space and not engage in self harm.........it was gone in a split second tonight.  All to numb/drown out the pain.

So I said to my Doctor (therapist) -- Raw Humor.

I need a bit of a break. 

And so...this evening I have sat and watched...NO LESS than about an hour of Foamy the Squirrel videos on youtube.

For an hour.....I've been able to turn my phone off, put the dogs outside, put the boy somewhere other than in my face, wipe away tears, forget about being on high alert, and being triggered constantly. 

For an hour....I've watched and laughed till I cried.

And this last video...it made me think about my therapy appt today.  I don't drink coffee. I don't know if J* drinks coffee.  I don't like the smell of it.  But...while I watched this video I thought "I wish it was that simple and easy to remedy."

Check out this video of Foamy.  If you need more laughter and crudness....then go to youtube and find some MORE videos of Foamy.

Shoot My Eye Out

Todays appt was a shoot your eye out kind of appt.  Or I should say...poke bc I done own a gun.

Control

This post by My Group Therapy on Taking Control hit the nail on the head for me tonight.  It is like she read my mind (okay maybe she did by this FB post) or something.

I saw H* again today.  Once again, very intense.  Very intense to be honest.  A long time trying to re-intergrate and get myself grounded enough to hear what she said.  I know she spent a lot of time talking after my session.  I can't really say right now what she did/did not say.  Processing it is tough.  And will take a few days.  Guess it is a good thing I have a therapy appt w/J* in the morning.  I had been scheduling the 2 appts back to back.  I've gotten out of the habit of doing that and need to try and do it again.  Specially as trauma work seems to be the focus on both sides.
I had planned on coming home to a quiet house.  No kids.  No husband.  Just me and the dogs.  I got a call from a friend who happened to call at just the right time.  I'm glad she had the foresight that "I did not need to be home alone. I needed company. A friend.  Someone to just be with." I ordered pizza and we sat on the deck making fun of my 10 month old psychotic puppy, complaining that it was cold after the sun went down, and just bullshitting with each other. I needed to just have some me time with a friend.  If I would have been by myself I would have went straight to bed.

I have 2 therapy appts tmw.  I have to be honest.  It will take all of my willpower to go to both appts.
In the end...I know I"m just hurting myself if I don't go.  Self destructing is something I"m good at and at the moment that seems to be a montra that I'm following. It isn't working so well for me.

Some Days

I'm super crabby.   As in...SUPER crabby.

I'm sick of Dr appts, therapy appts, people, and overall just plain in a bad mood.

This picture brought a smile to my face.

Rough Morning?

Yep. 
And Day.
And Evening.
And......

Look to You

This is where I'm at today.  I often talk abt and see that my youngest is unregulated.  Today, I am.  This one will not blow over.  I know we need to discuss it.  We won't.  I know that my dh has no clue "what" actually put me over the edge.  Nor should he.  Heck, I didn't until long after he was gone.  It was way deeper than an argument.  His physical placement between myself l, our bed,  and the closet/back of our room.

It was me who came out swinging and hysterical.   I know he has no clue why.  I'm not in anyway able to discuss it.  Heck it was all I could do to type it out to GB's Mom.  And while on the phone w/my Buff..I'm.not even certain she had a clue wht happened...bc I still don't. 

I know I'm drained.  I know I slept less than 2-3 hours.   I know that between nightmares of C showing up at my door and of the trigger from yesterday. .I'm drained.

This video was sent to me in an email.  I've posted it before. 

And it is what it is for today.

Watch "I Look to You" on YouTube

Ugly All Over Again

I need to get this off my chest.  It might be ugly.  It might not be.  Right now things are ugly and so I'm gonna venture to say this will be ugly.  By 9am this morning I had went batshit crazy.  As in, lost my mother effing mind.  It is nearly 3 hours later.  Tears continue to fall.  Anger and frustration over the entire situation continues to build.  And if my son wasn't home right now I would have packed my car, computer, and one of my dogs and left.  I'm not even joking when I say that.

I try hard not to say things that are not loving, supportive, or nice about my husband on this blog.  When I do there is an attempt to see both sides of the story.  I know I'm not easy to live with and I try to portray that when I'm emotionally, physically, and consciously able.  This post will not shed anything but negativity.  I'm hurt. I'm pissed. I'm mad.  And this morning, I said things that I truly believe and were not the nicest of things to say.

I've tried very hard to contain my frustration with my husband for a long time.  I love him.  I know he means well. I know he loves me.  However, this morning I do not like him.  And saying that I love him is done with great hesitation.

Back up a bit.

...again this is for me....if you don't care to hear/read...click on to the next blog!!!

Our garage door broke a 3+ months ago.  I was no longer able to park in the garage.  Which wasn't that big of a deal.  I took it with pride.  When it didn't get fixed immediately...I was not surprised.  I never questioned my husband. I never even told him I wanted it fixed.  I know by doing these things he won't do it.  I know it will only make matters worse. 

Just like the ceiling fan/light he broke a week after we moved in bc he had some genius idea on making it work better.  It wasn't until a month ago that it got fixed.  And that was because there was an ultimatum placed before him.  "Fix the light this week....I don't care if there is a fan....I want the light...We've lived here for 10 months....and I want a better bedroom light....fix it by Friday (this was Monday)...or I will buy one for ME and my side of the bed...end of story".  When I came home from work that day....it was nearly fixed/replaced.

Back to the garage door.  I know that he can't fix it by himself.  I dont' care that I can't park in the garage. I do care that my children lock their bikes to our patio, that I can't sit in the chairs HE bought for me to sit in bc there are bikes in the way, and that I have to trip over said bikes when I come in the house.  I care that every time my son wants to play outside w/his "outdoor toys" he has to bring them into the kitchen and then outside. And I'm tired of it.  In the last 3 months the garage has become a pile of shit area for anything and everything. 

Lord only knows how J* and I got on the subject of the door and getting fixed this week during my appt.  I do know that I wasn't interested in spending the entire appt discussing the fucking garage door.  I resisted talking about it, coming up with a solution, or any other plan.  I heard J* and her reasoning as to why we needed to discuss it and how I could approach the subject differently than I have in the past.  I knew how I needed to approach the subject. I also knew, that no matter how loving and therapeutic I was....it wouldn't turn out good. 

You see, I've tried to put tid bits here and there.  Offering suggestions, trying to gain ideas from my husband, and even offering to help him myself.  I know it is a 2 person job. I know he can't do it by himself. I also know, that he needs an entire day to get it done.

After my therapy appt I talked to my dh on my way to work.  I asked him what his plans were this weekend.  Disgusted w/my lack of ability to remember what his plans were, he told me very matter of fact what he was doing on Saturday - until noon.  He also made a big deal about he has something every weekend until the 30th.  I didn't say any more. Few moments later he asked why and I told him I was just curious if he would have time to work on the garage and if he needed my help (whatever it would be that I could offer).  He gave me a firm NO I have tennis and coach training.  Whatever. I dropped it. 

Until this morning.

I should add; if you haven't figured out by reading or are new here.  My husband is a stay at home dad.  My children are school age, take care of themselves 99% of the time.  He carts them where ever they need to go during the summer. We don't pack our kids schedules full of crap. We can't afford it and I dont' believe in it.  I know he is busy w/the kids.  However, he has nothing but time.  He creates his OWN busy schedule and it is his fault if he doesn't make time for himself. 

still with me? i never said this was short and sweet.

I asked him if he would like to see what his brother was doing today.  I knew his brother is on-call but if he could come help him w/the garage that would be great.  He insisted he had to go to church. I let him know that he didn't have to go to church.  I could take the kids and give him and his brother plenty of time to work on it.  He made some other snarky comments.  I asked him again.  "Would you like to see if _ can come help you? If you do I would gladly go to church by myself and take both kids so you don't have to have them home."  He became very defensive with me.  I calmly stated what I said above again.  Adding that if he didn't want to do it today I would understand.  However, I thought maybe today would be a good day if he was up to it.  If he thought his brother would want to do that with him I would be sure and have lunch in the crock pot for them before I left for church and we could invite his the rest of his brother's family over for dinner.  He got mad and told me he didn't have time to be doing the garage door and cooking for them. Very firmly I said "J* (dh), if you don't want to fix it then just say so. I told you I will take care of the kids and make dinner.  But you have to make that choice.  Not me."  He rambled some other shit.  I continued with "J*,  would you just prefer that I find someone to fix it for you?"  And he lost his shit.  I lost my shit.  And it got ugly very fast.  I spent 20 minutes discussing this fucking door issue w/him without getting upset, being therapeutic, being loving, being....EVERYTHING that J* and I discussed in my appt on Thursday. 

He decided to bring finances into the picture.  It got really ugly.  I am the reason he hasn't paid someone to fix the door.  He made it very clear that my spending was the reason for everything.  I am going to say right here...that is not the issue.  And my spending has NOTHING to do with it.  He continued to banter and attempt to bring me down.  And make this about me. 

I said it was ugly.  It was very ugly. 

It isn't about me. It is about the mother effing garage door.  The fact that he finds reason after reason after reason why it can't be fixed.  He makes no attempt to try and fix it.  He fixes things for everyone else.  He runs and does everything for everything else.  And the moment I try and ask for something to be done. It can't be done.  And I'm the reason why he can't do it.  Every fucking time.

This fight was the mother of all fights.  He got in my face. He should know that after nearly 20 yrs not to get in my face.  He did.  Hell not to even come w/in arms distance.  Specially when you are going to spew shit in my face, twist my words, and make this about me...don't come w/in arms length.  I did not hit him. I came close.  Eff did I ever. I threw shit.  And our bedroom looks like a damn tornado transpired. 

It ended with me telling him it was probably best if we didnt' stay married.  Since it is obvious in his eyes and out of his mouth that everything I do is the reason for failure.  He didn't respond. He never said anything else.  He shut the bathroom door and got ready for church.  I got undressed and crawled back in bed.  He attempted several times over the next 45 minutes to smooth things over. It didn't work.  And still hasn't worked.  It is nearly 4 hours later and the tears are still falling. He will be home w/in an hour and I plan on leaving.  I have no clue where I'm going to go.

He left our youngest home with me.  I know he did it because he doesn't trust me.  It is the only thing he was probably right about this morning.

Search Terms

I've never looked at the search terms that bring readers to my blog.  Over the last few weeks I've had a signficant increase in traffic.  Nothing compared to what most blogs get.  And certainly way more than what I'm comfortable with.  However, I leave my blog open to the general public to read.  I expect it and it is what it is.

I've seen other blogs that I read post some of the search terms that have been put into google/bing/yahoo ect ect and how it brought them to their blog.

So tonight, I took a look.  Because, curiosity got the cat.  I've sat here laughing so hard I can't hardly contain it.  I've annoyed my husband and I certainly have a child who doesn't get what is funny.

I haven't figure out what post the search term took the reader to. But, none the less it is still funny and disturbing (acutally) all the same.

 hairy moms n sons sex -- Google ranked this blog #642 in the search query for this.  WTF is all I can say to that.  Seriously...WTF!

man gets tree lodged through pelvis - Another google search. Not rated.  And another WTF!!

what is a comment back when someone says shit or get off the pot - Ranked #6 in google query searches.  I've said this lil' diddy more than one time this week. 

 i will get up again blogspot -- is a common theme and many different variations. I know who this is and have labeled the ISP to clue me in to who it is.  *wink*

Another common theme is on Tapping and Brad Yates. I find that interesting. I've only blogged once or twice about tapping. I know several others who have blogged much more indepth than myself.  Hopefully, those looking for info on Brad/Tapping will find the other awesome blogs. I don't come close to doing justice if you are looking for tapping info here.

Here...Kind Of.

Having a hard time picking myself up over the last few days.  It's a different kind of low.  One filled with anger and grief.  Which ends up being filled with just plain depressed.

I find myself all over the map when it comes to thinking about how life turned out.  What the future holds for him.  What our furture holds with him.  I go from thinking about picking up a card and sending it to him, to wanting to change all our phone numbers (he knows my husbands number), to asking my husband to contact his FM and setting up a lunch date with him, and the internal dialogue goes on and on and on...

Why is it so damn tough to know what the right thing to do is?

People I Want to Punch

*The birth family who abused him.
*The placing social worker who lied to us.
*The therapist who blamed me for not loving him enough.
*The psychiatrist who blamed me for not loving him enough, for being to harsh, for parenting him in a way that was not the norm.
*The RTC/Foster Care agency therapist who believed that I was the abuser when he was abusing me.
*And anyone else who pointed their fingers at me.  Which was everyonne.  Everyone in my life. 
*My husband for making me give him the ultimatem to choose either our younger children or the child who could not/would not/choose not to attach and would/choose not to be 'safe" to be around.  For making him resent me at times for that choice.
*The group home person who called my husband a few years ago and got this kid in contact w/my husband and re-opening up the grief and level of fear on my part.

Those people....I often want to punch.  Tonight.....there is no often.  I would do it.

I'm angry tonight.  Down right vile and angry.  Of course when I can't sleep I get angry. I close my eyes, come close to falling asleep and wake in a furry of fear w/the 8yr old child he was in my home standing over me while i slept, with a knife in his hand.....these are the things that haunt me.  Somehow, I'm supposed to find happiness and be proud of him.  Fuck that.

 I'm angry for many reasons. Not sleeping has nothing to do with it.  I know that anger doesn't help grief. I know that anger fuels depression. I dont' much give a shit. 

I'm not a violent person.  I say or think about hitting things often.  I don't. Yet, the urge tonight is there like it never has been before. 

I know this is more a topic for my disruption blog.  Here's the deal...the people that read that...they want to tell me positive things.  Fuck you probably will too.  Go right ahead.  I will read them. I will not agree with them. I will not even be angry at your for doing it.  But damn it all....it wasn't because of me.  And I don't want to hear that. I don't want to hear that I should be happy for him.  Because you know what...I'm not.  I'm fucking pissed.  I'm pissed that HE CHOOSE to not heal.  He was given all the tools.  He was given everything he needed.  He continued to choose..and STILL DOES to be violent.  And I'm angry that he choose these things.  He choose to not accept my love.  He choose to not let me be his mom.  To love him.  To be there for him and heal his hurts.  And damn it all I'm fucking pissed off --- at him!

Million and One Pieces

That is what my heart has been broken into this evening.  I have done fairly well over the last few weeks emotionally.  Up and down as usual.  Tonight the sense of failure, guilt, and grief have overcome me in a way that I can't even describe.

I was looking for something on Facebook.  I came across my adopted son (whom we disrupted) foster moms FB page.  Actually, it was her pictures of her dogs that I came across from a mutual friend.  I've seen her page before. 

I'm not processing this information very well.  He graduated a year early.  A YEAR early.  I did not get to take his senior portraits.  I did not get to see him graduate.  I did not get to be there for his special moments.  I know I made that choice.  I know I made the choice to protect our younger children.  It hurts no less.  I know he made it against all odds and I should be happy for him.  I can't see that right now.  It brings with it a mixture of many thoughts and feelings.

Why doesn't this shit ever happen before therapy appts?  (J* answer that one for me, please!)

I started a blog post earlier in the day from my phone....I just deleted it.  It would have been very blog share-worthy. It was positive, upbeat, encouraging, and maybe even helpful for someone who may be looking for a little bit of hope that it gets better.  I don't spell proof my posts...typos and all...I decided that post needed to be spell checked.  And then as the tears streamed and in a fit of whatever you might call it...I decided it wasn't share-worthy and deleted it.

I'm making no sense, I know.  It will be an early night for me tonight.  Going to bed and pulling the covers over my head....somehow wishing this experience never happened....ever!

My 1st Blog Award

I can't remember the last time I saw a blog award on someones blog.  On this particular blog, I've never received an award.  I read earlier in the week that My Group Therapy was nominated for a blog award on her FB page.  And never in a million years did it occur to me she would award turn around and nominate this blog.  I will be honest, earlier in the week when she gave a shout out to my blog on her FB page I freaked a little.

When I started this blog 313 posts ago back on 1/11/11.....it was not in my radar that I would actually share this blog with anyone.  Serious as a heart attack.  It was just a way for me to put in front of me some of the things that swirled around. It was a way for me to see the ups and downs.  To try and embrace the good with the bad and the bad with the good.  It was a way for me to just see me...as I was...by writing it out. 

There are a couple things I'm supposed to do upon the receipt of this award:

1) Thank and link back the awarding blog
2) Answer 7 questions
3) Provide 10 random facts about yourself
4) Award 7 other deserving bloggers
1) What is your favorite song?  I love ADELE and PINK.  These 2 ladies are the 2 that I listen to EVERY SINGLE DAY. Often several times a day.  At this MOMENT...my favorite is this beauty.  I can't sing.  But on Sunday....when I was in the midst of a meltdown and spent nearly 45 minutes in the shower....this song came on the radio in our room/bedroom and as I sobbed...I sang to it. I needed to hear it at that very moment.  We are all Firework's!!




2) What is your favorite dessert?  I love all deserts who are you kidding!!  Favorite...at the moment....my Grandma's CHEESECAKE.  It isn't the traditional cheesecake you will buy in the stores. Nope. It's better.  My grandma passed away a few years ago.  I miss her. I love her cheesecake and I wish she was hear to make it for me.

3) What do you do when you are upset? Vent, drink LOTS of ice cold diet soda, eat shitty food that only makes me feel even more shitty, veg out on the computer, snap at my husband/kids and then feel guilty in return. 

4) What is your favorite pet?  Max.  My 5 yr old Pug.  He is gentle.  He is kind.  He is serene.  He is my friend.  He knows when I'm not doing well.  He allows our 10 month old pain in the ass "other pug" to pound the heck out of him.  He's just a fat gentle giant.
5) Which do you prefer, White or Wheat? White.  Sour dough to be honest.

6) What is your biggest fear? The same as My Group Therapy -- failing. 
7) What is your attitude mostly?   Snarky and sarcastic.  Always!

10 Random Facts:

1) I've never had a drink of wine or any alcoholic beverage in my life.  Ever. Many days I think about it.  Think that today is the day that I fell of the bandwagon.

2) I've never smoked a cigarette, did any drugs, or anything illegal.  I wouldn't know what marijuana looked like if it was in front of my face.  Same thing with cocaine or any other drug.

3)Infertility testing revealed that my body was allergic to sperm.  Causing an antibody to be created to kill sperm.  The very last time I was seen for infertility consult/testing the  specialist confirmed what the 2 previous infertility specialist had told me.  Little did he or I know at that specific appt...I was pregnant for my daughter.

4) Both of my children were born via C-Section. I did not want to labor w/my oldest.  I had labored prematurely for 8 weeks prior to her birth.  I knew she would not be born naturally.  She was born via emergency c-section.  If she would have proceeded to drop into the birth canal she would have been still born.  Today was her last day of 7th grade. 

5) I was very disappointed I was told by my OB w/my 2nd child that I had to have a C-Section.  I spent several weeks trying to talk him into allowing me to attempt a natural birth.  He refused.  I left the hospital after his birth 1 day early and went shopping. I felt 10x's better than when I went in.  I do not regret having a 2nd c-section.

6) Just like My Group Therapy; I have a rather shy/quiet side.  It's hard to believe, I know. 

7) I have an addiction to Diet Cherry Pepsi.

8) I'm having a hell of a time coming up with 10 random facts.

9) I really do hate coming up with random facts.

10) I want to go on a cruise for my 40th bd.  Which is the same year as my 20th wedding anniversary.


7 Other Blogs to Award...serious...I don't know if I can keep it to 7 blogs.  I will try. Very very hard.

Truth is Powerful and it Prevails The stars collide when the two of us are together.  Just over a year ago I was introduced to who this special person in my life today.  NEVER in a million years did I imagine I would find a true BFF by blogging.  EVER.  I had read her blog.  Never commented.  Always thought "wow" she could be my sister.  And we may not be sisters by blood.  But we are definite sisters by friendship.  Her battle with OCD and depression often mimics the same road I've walked.  I'm fortunate to have many Trauma Momma/Soul Sisters in my life.  This particular friendship was orchestrated by a being much higher than I am.

A Depressed Mormon Mommy - love her honesty and her special spirit. She's honest, upbeat and tells it like it is.

Mommy Needs Therapy or a Bottle of Wine - I've been reading this blog for a long time.  Last year when I was in Orlando and realized who this person was I nearly died.  Every.Single.Picture of the two of us from 2011 - we were crying.  Happy tears.  I catapulted my fat ass in the back of that mini-van after our massage/spa treatments so that I could just soak up her love, sweet spirit, and everything about her that is soooo wonderful.  In 2012...I had the privs of being in her villa.  And in 2013.....we will grow that bond even larger.

Adopting Special Needs - Yet, another trauma momma/soul sister.  Only this lady is a true blue Mom in every way there is.  I had never read her blog or even knew who she was before going to Orlando last year.  Sure seen her name in our private FB group.  However, I did not put 2 and 2 together.  I knew from the moment I met her in the mini van on the way to our spa treatments...I would love her.  And I've never looked back.  She's been a great support emotionally.  During the roughest of times (current) w/her darling little spitfire Hope - she always has love and support to offer.  She was my house mom in 2102 and I'm sooo blessed to have her be my house mom (and MY adoptive mom from afar) again in 2013.  I love you GB's Mom!!

Depressed LDS Woman - This young lady is a pilar of strength.  She's walking a tough road right now.  I miss reading her blog posts.

Depression Marathon - I've been reading Etta's blog for a few years.  Maybe not that long but it sure feels like it.  I have been inspired and continue to be by her strength and determination to run her way thru depression.  She fights this battle with her head high even when her head would much rather be down.  One of these days I will put on my sneakers and run to the end of the block and back.  And then some. 

Random Rambling of a SAHM - Bold.  Direct.  Honest.  Grief Stricken. Inspiring.  Are just a few of the things that describe this young lady.  Her determination to let the world know how suicide is ugly.  How it kills your soul.  How being the window of your bff who decided to end his life in front of you....how fucked up that is.  And...yet every day she gets back up again...and again...and again.  Damn it all....I've read some raw posts on days when it was all I could do not to drown my own pain and grief and end it all right there.  I found her blog the day or two before her dh took his life by a random search for something I don't even remember.   Little did I know then this young petite Aussie woman would be a pillar of strength behind a computer/phone screen....1/2 a world away.

UPDATED bc I didn't have the link before but NOW I do...
The Short Bus - Another Trauma Momma/Soul Sister who I related to on so many different levels.  Little did I know last year "who" this sweet and gentle heart was.  And this year, 2012...well i just did not get to spend time w/her.  I promise next year...we will!!  I hope and pray she returns w/the rest of us.

I could go on.  But I won't. It's late. I need to go to bed.

Safe Place and Getting There

I'm a bit resistant in hand writing things and so I'm going to put this on here instead of writing it out in detail on the workbook paperwork from J* (therapist).

I think it could/will be particularly helpful since I am often not far from my phone.  Since I have access to my blog posts via my phone...this simple reminder is much easier/better than the hand written notes  J* has given me.  I will still write them out on the workbook papers.  Only this will be a bit more detailed.

Creating and Getting to My/Your Safe Space.  It means exactly what it reads.  Creating a safe space.  And how do you/I plan on getting there.

Last week I wrote out on the workbook paperwork in brief detail 'what my safe space would be'.  I don't think I fully comprehended the extent that J* wanted me to go into detail and why I needed to do so.  As the week has progressed, as I had a particular upsetting outburst over the weekend that left me ridden with guilt and trying to not be triggered in the failure mode, as I encountered some difficult feeling/memories/triggers during massage on Monday....as these things and a few other things have been put on my plate the last week....I've been able to see a little bit clearer why/what exactly J* was talking about.  Some of it is pretty private, some of this I can write...but don't know I can accurately talk about unless it is brought up. 

Creating a safe space isn't just about finding a place w/in your home, work, environment that you can go.  It is about finding that safe space w/in yourself.  As I read the homework assignment this week and it talked about 'getting to my safe space....whenever I am in distress or feel the need to do so' it made me think more about expanding this area.  It isn't just the place w/in my home that I feel is "my safe space..." but something that I can access when I'm not home.  I often carry w/me in my car (actually ALWAYS in my car) are 2 things from my Orlando 2011 ETAAM trip.  I have my damnit doll and 'you are not alone' rock.  These 2 items in the past I've found myself rubbing.  Often, when I'm working doing my normal job the rock is in my pocket.  Being able to rub it, feel the smoothness, the edge where the printed paper was put on it...and meaning behind it...will make the difference.  I've got a few of these rocks and I will in the very near future be getting them out. 
One space that works for me is a hot shower/bath.  I've struggled in the past with this being a borderline self injury tool.

Two days in a row this week I was able to get myself to that space and have it remain helpful.  Getting to this 'safe space' was not hard on Sunday.  I was able to put my computer down, lock my bedroom door and lock the bathroom (I Know...I know...locking myself behind 2 doors isn't the brightest idea) and get into the shower where I was able to decompress for whatever length of time. 

Getting myself there the 2nd day was not  as easy.  Life got in the way.  This is where finding something "outside" of my home is important. Having some sort of object to concentrate on would be helpful.  By the time I got home on Monday evening and was able to shower it was late.  It was quite a few hours later.  And I had worked myself up in a tizzy.  My head hurt. My jaw hurt.  My shoulder hurt.  My entire body hurt. 

I had spent several hours attempting to push back the swirling thoughts/memories.  Hell, I sat in my Psychiatrists office....did I mention it to her.  Hell to the No!!  If I had an appt w/J*...it might have been a good thing.  My pdoc and I have a love/hate relationship and I wasn't loving her that much on Monday.  Shit, I wasn't loving myself.  So loving/liking someone else was not in the works.

((((I KNOW I"M RAMBLING......But this is FOR ME)))))

Creating and getting to safe space are 2 very different things.  Yet, as I think about it...I find it very much the same.  If I have the item/space available to me....choosing to use them is much easier. 

H* (massage therapist) often uses different oils.  I am not real good about remembering which oils/scents she uses.  One of these days I will remember to ask her (or email her before an appt to ask her to remind me) which one it is that seems to be the most helpful.  Valor is one scent that she uses often. 

***************

WELL SHIT

There's no words tonight to express how incredible disappointed and pissed off and heart sick I am.

For my children and their future education.
For my job and what it holds.

Sickening.
Fucking sickening.

Sh*t or Get off the Pot

This morning I started my day by making the trek to see the "new" surgeon.  He is conservative that is for sure.  I wonder have asked myself over and over in the last few weeks...today..."Did you make the right choice by choosing this guy over his best friend and fellow surgeon.  I will probably never know the answer to this question.  Since this is a work related injury and I'm on my 2nd opinion since the Jackhole, I saw a month ago...I cant change doctors.  Which, is fine with me.  He's not ready to jump into doing surgery until he is confident he knows 100% what is going on and what the source of my pain is.  However, I'm struggling w/being patient.  Patience and I don't always get along.  And this is one of those times. 

I left the clinic today thinking that old saying my mom used to say to all.the.freeking.time.  "Just shit or get off the pot".  And that is where I'm at.

Until then...I remain w/the same restrictions.  I return in 3 weeks.  In hopes for more answers.  He gave me an answer today as to what the problem is right now...  adhesiv.e capulitis....AKA:  froze.n s.houlder.  I've got a long road to recovery, I think.  Which is depressing.

I returned to work for a few hours and then made the trek back to the same side of town I was on earlier in the day to see H*.  I have seen her weekly for the last 3 weeks.  Last week and today some pretty heavy stuff came up.  As in staying present was very difficult.  I struggled getting dressed. I struggled sitting in her office afterwards talking for a few moments.  The fight or flight internal mode was in high gear.  As she shared w/me her experience and what she felt happened and the shifts she felt, I thought I didn't think about it on the same level.  She felt like there was a shift.  Shift in energy, shift in my own personal trauma work, shift in general.  An area that she has never felt to be an issue before screamed very loud and clear.  It was a bit of a different shift for me.  I felt the shift and definately agree that it was different than usual.  I got up feeling stuck.  Stuck and unbalanced so to speak.  The intense pain and areas that were screaming to me while I was there....left shortly after I left her home/office. 

I had a psychiatrist appt w/K*.  I sat outside her office trying to gather my thoughts.  After getting to a place where I was feeling pretty good I went in to my appt.  As usual, K* irked me.  I let her know she was irking me.  I also made it loud and clear that I was not going to continue to have the disagreement that we were having.  She was agreeing with the first Jackhole surgeon.  She did not hear what I was attempting to say.  She was not hearing that I've followed the treatment plan for my shoulder 100%+.  She had it stuck in her head that "after your WLS you ate nothing but popcorn....when asked you said nope not supposed to but....its good and thats what I want".  SHe failed to remember that was the ONLY FOOD (other than toast) that didn't make me vomit for months on end.  When she got stuck on that fact...I got a bit pissed.  And made it VERY CLEAR she could "remember those things if she so choose...and that was 8 fucking years ago (okay I didn't say fuck but came fucking close),  I also made it clear that I would not change her perception, thoughts, or whatever it was that needed to be changed. SHe could think those things if she wanted.  But she did not have all the facts and I was no longer going to debate or argue the point w/her.  I have a new surgeon. He will make an informed choice about surgery and if I'm a canidate based on his findings. Not based on a dx on my chart for which I was never questioned about."  I got my point across. Which was good.

The guilt factor is really coming on hard after yesterdays blow up w/little man.  He sees someone at the same clinic that my pdoc/therapist work at.  I took the kids to dinner after our appts.  I asked little man how his appt was and was there anything he wanted to share w/me.  His face got red, looked away and said nope.  I poked a little bit and said "Did you talk w/Dr. K* about mommy's bad day ysterday and how I got upset and yelled at you?"  He sheepishly shook his head yes.  I told him I was proud that he could talk to him and he was honest w/me about it.  I followed the conversation up with "I hope you were able to remember that mommy did apologize?"  He didn't remember me coming to him afterwards in tears, telling him there was nothing that he did that was his fault and it was all mommy....and blah blah blah...  My heart sank.  And the last several hours guilt has crept in and I feel horrible.  I don't want to be that mom.  I've tried so fucking hard to change that and not blow up at my kids.  The damage is done.  Damn it all.

My heart continues to be heavy as I attempt to find and describe what that safe space will be, how I will get myself there, and what it would look like...in moments of distress, suicidal ideations, and severe downward spirals.  The heaviness comes from the resistance of doing the work.  It is work that I know needs to be done.  Work that I know in my heart I'm ready to do...to move fwd...to shit and get off the pot..  The other part is being able to describe those spaces...I was able for the first time in a very very long time....remove myself from the situation yesterday, to that spot that is safest and quietest for me....I was able to consiously choose NOT to use the hottest water possible...instead just hot enough to be soothing and drown out what needed to be drowned out at that moment.  In doing so, after using all the hot water, I was able to return to what I was doing, attempt to repair the damage w/little man (which i realize today didn't work) and move on. 

I've rambled in this post more than I ever intended to.  It's late.  Everyone is asleep.  The demon puppy is asleep and has finally stopped terrorizing everything/one insight. 

I blog for my own therapy.  Tonight...I needed that therapy.  I've wrote several blog posts and have them in the drafts.  Most likely they will never be published.  And maybe someday, when I'm not in a vulnerable space, when I'm able to speak about the sexual abuse and other crap....I will share them.  For now, it's off my chest.  And I know that I don't have to share them w/anyone but myself.

It Is What It Is....Until it Isn't

That's all. I'm pissed.  What's new. 

I've not gotten out of the recliner..all day.
That's not true.
I had a meltdown earlier in the evening.  The dog and one of my children were in the same room.
They got the brunt of it. 
I took a hot shower until we ran out of hot shower.
Came back out to the living room and have maintained the same position that I had been in all day.  Working on the same project I've been working on all effing day.

During the shower I made sure to stay in a present mode and not turn it too hot and was in a safe place.  This has been something that J* and I've discussed over the last few weeks.  Finding a way to get to that space.  I apologized to my child for loosing my shit on him.  And tried to not let guilt sink in.

I also had a bit of a freek out when I saw My Group Therapy linked to this blog via her FB page.  Because I'm nervous as hell about someone 'knowing' who I am.  My bff was awesome and reassured me that I am very careful and it is very unlikely.  It is what it is.  If someone who knows me locally that didn't know about this blog before finds it.  Do me a favor and tell me.  Please.
  Thanks for the link love!! 

As I fall asleep tonight...
I will continue to remind myself of the montra that has kept me going today...kept me from becoming completely apeshit.

IT IS WHAT IT IS

Just Be/Sit With It.

A year ago if you told me some or all of my physical pain I experienced was emotionally related; I would have not believed you.

I did not believe H* (massage therapist) when she first brought this up to me.  I do believe deep down inside my heart I knew she was right.  However, as I do with most things I rebelled against agreeing with her.  Often, in therapy and other areas of my life, I have to chew on something for a few days, weeks, months....years in order to believe or see the full circle.

Soon I came to see where and what she was talking about.  It wasn't long before I was able to identify specific areas of my body where physical pain would show up and I would think to myself; "what is going on right now, what are the triggers (or non triggers) around me?  What is it my body is trying to tell me. 

I have one specific area that has caused me significant pain over the last couple of years.  When I was in an accident while working in Feb 2011 that area of my body because an even larger target.  I spent several weeks with bruising around this area of my body from the accident.

Today has been a particular rough day.  I spent a majority of the morning in tears.  Pain and swelling in my shoulder has come to an all time high.  And tonight, I can assure you that the physical pain I'm dealing with are emotionally related. Not my shoulder but the other area....my ribs.  And...I feel like I'm being crushed.  Earlier in the week, H* and I spoke at length.  She has told me several times before and then again this week....

"Just sit with it."
"Just be with it."
And so tonight, no Tylenol.  No heat.  No nothing.

Just sitting with it.
Just being with it.

And trying to let that be enough.