Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Always a beginning....

...and for today...this is the beginning.

I am a daughter of an all loving Father in Heaven. Who would do anything for me.  However, that is easier to write than to believe, somedays.

I am a daughter of 2 beautiful and loving parents.  One who took me in as his own daughter.  Rarely did the word step-daughter surface itself in our home.

I am a 30 something year old.... wife of 17 years to a wonderful man.  A man who, 17 years ago, I'm sure did not know what he was signing up for when it comes to what laid ahead of him.

I am blessed to be the mom of 2 beautiful spirits that came into my life by birth.  I never thought it possible to love anything as deep as I do these 2 special spirits.

I was once the mom of a blonde haired little boy who came to us via adoption.  Although, I can tell you that I know my Heavenly Father orchistrated deeply the path in which this young man took to get to our home and it was because of our Father in Heaven's plan for each and every one of us that this little boy came into or home.  However, many days I don't like that plan and don't agree with that plan.  The heartache, dispair and grief that surrounds this entire situation is somedays more than I can handle.

I struggle with depression.  Some days, weeks and in some cases months......with severe depression.  So much so that I firmly believe that I should no longer be living, never been born, my husband and children would be better off with out the burden of that I bring into our home w/this struggle.

I realize that a few of the comments above contridict themselves.  Sure they do.  How can you be a be a Chrstitian and want to no longer live?  It is complicated.  More so than one might ever believe.

I once heard someone say "If I could only erase myself....." and on she went.  There are many days that is the montra that is replayed in my thought process.  Erase is a perfect description.

When I talk about being depressed, depression, severe depression, ect ect... I am not talking about the kind of sadness that comes over someone because their cat died, they are not able to do something, just plain down and otu for a day or so and sad all in one.

No, I'm talking about I can't get up...again. I don't want to get up again.  The I can't get out of bed and if I do the entire world will fall from underneath me. And other than the truth that I really am a daughter of a wonderful Heavenly Father, 2 beautiful parents and have a family who loves and cares about me. 

There are times when my depression is directly related to grief over our disruption of our son.  The guilt, shame, pride, you name it all comes crashing down all while the pure "I miss him so damn much" are playing the tape with in me.

There are times when I can't really give cause.  It just purely is what it is.  And it is in these moments that I personally feel much worse.  Fiind myself swimming through the crap and sinking further and further.  This is the point where that ol' saying "if I could only disapear and/or erase myself from this earth..." are the hardest to fight off.

There is healing in knowing that there is an all knowing and loving Father in Heaven to take away the sorrows and pains of each and every one of us. 

Now if I could just find a place where I can believe it....

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