Thursday, June 28, 2012

Different and Smiles

I'm still in a dark place.

Yes, I'm hearing the things that others are telling me.
Yes, I know you are all right.
Yes, depression is a lying bastard and even though I know these things....I don't believe them.

I am at a point that is much different than other spurts that I've experienced with severe depression. It is hard to explain. I can't seem to put my hand on it.  I've tried to process this on my own.  I'm not doing so well with it.  Maybe, it is just my brain trying to convince me of more lies and more asshatry.

The layers of loss, grief, and tears run deep.  Much like peeling an onion; each layer is different.  Brings more tears.  Brings more loss.  Brings more grief.  Attempting to cut threw those layers with a food chopper isn't working so well.

A new approach is needed.  I don't know what that should look like.  Maybe there isn't one needed.  Maybe, it is just my brain trying to convince me otherwise.

Whatever it may be...I'm ready to have this move up and out.

Tonight as I write this, I'm able to see and feel a little bit lighter.  The fog is still thick.  Yet, it has lifted slightly.  I wish at moments like this I could bottle it up and take it w/me to my appt w/Jodi. Savoring that little bit of clarity as the fog has lifted a bit.


Amen!  Yes we do!

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