That is what my heart has been broken into this evening. I have done fairly well over the last few weeks emotionally. Up and down as usual. Tonight the sense of failure, guilt, and grief have overcome me in a way that I can't even describe.
I was looking for something on Facebook. I came across my adopted son (whom we disrupted) foster moms FB page. Actually, it was her pictures of her dogs that I came across from a mutual friend. I've seen her page before.
I'm not processing this information very well. He graduated a year early. A YEAR early. I did not get to take his senior portraits. I did not get to see him graduate. I did not get to be there for his special moments. I know I made that choice. I know I made the choice to protect our younger children. It hurts no less. I know he made it against all odds and I should be happy for him. I can't see that right now. It brings with it a mixture of many thoughts and feelings.
Why doesn't this shit ever happen before therapy appts? (J* answer that one for me, please!)
I started a blog post earlier in the day from my phone....I just deleted it. It would have been very blog share-worthy. It was positive, upbeat, encouraging, and maybe even helpful for someone who may be looking for a little bit of hope that it gets better. I don't spell proof my posts...typos and all...I decided that post needed to be spell checked. And then as the tears streamed and in a fit of whatever you might call it...I decided it wasn't share-worthy and deleted it.
I'm making no sense, I know. It will be an early night for me tonight. Going to bed and pulling the covers over my head....somehow wishing this experience never happened....ever!