Thursday, June 7, 2012

Million and One Pieces

That is what my heart has been broken into this evening.  I have done fairly well over the last few weeks emotionally.  Up and down as usual.  Tonight the sense of failure, guilt, and grief have overcome me in a way that I can't even describe.

I was looking for something on Facebook.  I came across my adopted son (whom we disrupted) foster moms FB page.  Actually, it was her pictures of her dogs that I came across from a mutual friend.  I've seen her page before. 

I'm not processing this information very well.  He graduated a year early.  A YEAR early.  I did not get to take his senior portraits.  I did not get to see him graduate.  I did not get to be there for his special moments.  I know I made that choice.  I know I made the choice to protect our younger children.  It hurts no less.  I know he made it against all odds and I should be happy for him.  I can't see that right now.  It brings with it a mixture of many thoughts and feelings.

Why doesn't this shit ever happen before therapy appts?  (J* answer that one for me, please!)

I started a blog post earlier in the day from my phone....I just deleted it.  It would have been very blog share-worthy. It was positive, upbeat, encouraging, and maybe even helpful for someone who may be looking for a little bit of hope that it gets better.  I don't spell proof my posts...typos and all...I decided that post needed to be spell checked.  And then as the tears streamed and in a fit of whatever you might call it...I decided it wasn't share-worthy and deleted it.

I'm making no sense, I know.  It will be an early night for me tonight.  Going to bed and pulling the covers over my head....somehow wishing this experience never happened....ever!

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