I'm home. I didn't go far to begin with. I didn't really have anywhere to go. And leaving w/o any essential items such as clothes makes it even harder to just show up somewhere.
I found a country road and drove back and forth for a rather long time. Thoughts of missing one turn or the other were rampid as ever. I've gotten in my car and left before. I've went somewhere. Tonight, I didn't have it in me to get out of my car or do anything other than just drive. And drive.
And then I got tired of doing that and trusted myself less and less.
And so I came home and I sat in my driveway. For several hours. With my sunroof open. Tears falling. It wasn't very pretty. My husband texting me I needed to come home. Wanting to know where I was. Demanding that I call my therapist office. Refusing to do anything but just sit there w/the sunroof open.
I've spiraled into a deep hole today. It's been in the works for a long time. I keep thinking that tmw will be different. And tmw isn't ever different. I had high hopes for today. And then I screwed it up.