Monday, June 25, 2012

Spiral downward

I'm home. I didn't go far to begin with.  I didn't really have anywhere to go.  And leaving w/o any essential items such as clothes makes it even harder to just show up somewhere.

I found a country road and drove back and forth for a rather long time.  Thoughts of missing one turn or the other were rampid as ever.  I've gotten in my car and left before.  I've went somewhere.  Tonight, I didn't have it in me to get out of my car or do anything other than just drive.  And drive.

And then I got tired of doing that and trusted myself less and less.

And so I came home and I sat in my driveway.  For several hours.  With my sunroof open.  Tears falling.  It wasn't very pretty.  My husband texting me I needed to come home.  Wanting to know where I was. Demanding that I call my therapist office.  Refusing to do anything but just sit there w/the sunroof open.

I've spiraled into a deep hole today.  It's been in the works for a long time.  I keep thinking that tmw will be different.  And tmw isn't ever different.  I had high hopes for today.  And then I screwed it up.

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