Sunday, June 10, 2012

Ugly All Over Again

I need to get this off my chest.  It might be ugly.  It might not be.  Right now things are ugly and so I'm gonna venture to say this will be uglyBy 9am this morning I had went batshit crazy.  As in, lost my mother effing mind.  It is nearly 3 hours later.  Tears continue to fall.  Anger and frustration over the entire situation continues to build.  And if my son wasn't home right now I would have packed my car, computer, and one of my dogs and left.  I'm not even joking when I say that.

I try hard not to say things that are not loving, supportive, or nice about my husband on this blog.  When I do there is an attempt to see both sides of the story.  I know I'm not easy to live with and I try to portray that when I'm emotionally, physically, and consciously able.  This post will not shed anything but negativity.  I'm hurt. I'm pissed. I'm mad.  And this morning, I said things that I truly believe and were not the nicest of things to say.

I've tried very hard to contain my frustration with my husband for a long time.  I love him.  I know he means well. I know he loves me.  However, this morning I do not like him.  And saying that I love him is done with great hesitation.

Back up a bit.
...again this is for me....if you don't care to hear/ on to the next blog!!!

Our garage door broke a 3+ months ago.  I was no longer able to park in the garage.  Which wasn't that big of a deal.  I took it with pride.  When it didn't get fixed immediately...I was not surprised.  I never questioned my husband. I never even told him I wanted it fixed.  I know by doing these things he won't do it.  I know it will only make matters worse. 

Just like the ceiling fan/light he broke a week after we moved in bc he had some genius idea on making it work better.  It wasn't until a month ago that it got fixed.  And that was because there was an ultimatum placed before him.  "Fix the light this week....I don't care if there is a fan....I want the light...We've lived here for 10 months....and I want a better bedroom light....fix it by Friday (this was Monday)...or I will buy one for ME and my side of the bed...end of story".  When I came home from work that was nearly fixed/replaced.

Back to the garage door.  I know that he can't fix it by himself.  I dont' care that I can't park in the garage. I do care that my children lock their bikes to our patio, that I can't sit in the chairs HE bought for me to sit in bc there are bikes in the way, and that I have to trip over said bikes when I come in the house.  I care that every time my son wants to play outside w/his "outdoor toys" he has to bring them into the kitchen and then outside. And I'm tired of it.  In the last 3 months the garage has become a pile of shit area for anything and everything. 

Lord only knows how J* and I got on the subject of the door and getting fixed this week during my appt.  I do know that I wasn't interested in spending the entire appt discussing the fucking garage door.  I resisted talking about it, coming up with a solution, or any other plan.  I heard J* and her reasoning as to why we needed to discuss it and how I could approach the subject differently than I have in the past.  I knew how I needed to approach the subject. I also knew, that no matter how loving and therapeutic I wouldn't turn out good. 

You see, I've tried to put tid bits here and there.  Offering suggestions, trying to gain ideas from my husband, and even offering to help him myself.  I know it is a 2 person job. I know he can't do it by himself. I also know, that he needs an entire day to get it done.

After my therapy appt I talked to my dh on my way to work.  I asked him what his plans were this weekend.  Disgusted w/my lack of ability to remember what his plans were, he told me very matter of fact what he was doing on Saturday - until noon.  He also made a big deal about he has something every weekend until the 30th.  I didn't say any more. Few moments later he asked why and I told him I was just curious if he would have time to work on the garage and if he needed my help (whatever it would be that I could offer).  He gave me a firm NO I have tennis and coach training.  Whatever. I dropped it. 

Until this morning.

I should add; if you haven't figured out by reading or are new here.  My husband is a stay at home dad.  My children are school age, take care of themselves 99% of the time.  He carts them where ever they need to go during the summer. We don't pack our kids schedules full of crap. We can't afford it and I dont' believe in it.  I know he is busy w/the kids.  However, he has nothing but time.  He creates his OWN busy schedule and it is his fault if he doesn't make time for himself. 

still with me? i never said this was short and sweet.

I asked him if he would like to see what his brother was doing today.  I knew his brother is on-call but if he could come help him w/the garage that would be great.  He insisted he had to go to church. I let him know that he didn't have to go to church.  I could take the kids and give him and his brother plenty of time to work on it.  He made some other snarky comments.  I asked him again.  "Would you like to see if _ can come help you? If you do I would gladly go to church by myself and take both kids so you don't have to have them home."  He became very defensive with me.  I calmly stated what I said above again.  Adding that if he didn't want to do it today I would understand.  However, I thought maybe today would be a good day if he was up to it.  If he thought his brother would want to do that with him I would be sure and have lunch in the crock pot for them before I left for church and we could invite his the rest of his brother's family over for dinner.  He got mad and told me he didn't have time to be doing the garage door and cooking for them. Very firmly I said "J* (dh), if you don't want to fix it then just say so. I told you I will take care of the kids and make dinner.  But you have to make that choice.  Not me."  He rambled some other shit.  I continued with "J*,  would you just prefer that I find someone to fix it for you?"  And he lost his shit.  I lost my shit.  And it got ugly very fast.  I spent 20 minutes discussing this fucking door issue w/him without getting upset, being therapeutic, being loving, being....EVERYTHING that J* and I discussed in my appt on Thursday. 

He decided to bring finances into the picture.  It got really ugly.  I am the reason he hasn't paid someone to fix the door.  He made it very clear that my spending was the reason for everything.  I am going to say right here...that is not the issue.  And my spending has NOTHING to do with it.  He continued to banter and attempt to bring me down.  And make this about me. 

I said it was ugly.  It was very ugly. 

It isn't about me. It is about the mother effing garage door.  The fact that he finds reason after reason after reason why it can't be fixed.  He makes no attempt to try and fix it.  He fixes things for everyone else.  He runs and does everything for everything else.  And the moment I try and ask for something to be done. It can't be done.  And I'm the reason why he can't do it.  Every fucking time.

This fight was the mother of all fights.  He got in my face. He should know that after nearly 20 yrs not to get in my face.  He did.  Hell not to even come w/in arms distance.  Specially when you are going to spew shit in my face, twist my words, and make this about me...don't come w/in arms length.  I did not hit him. I came close.  Eff did I ever. I threw shit.  And our bedroom looks like a damn tornado transpired. 

It ended with me telling him it was probably best if we didnt' stay married.  Since it is obvious in his eyes and out of his mouth that everything I do is the reason for failure.  He didn't respond. He never said anything else.  He shut the bathroom door and got ready for church.  I got undressed and crawled back in bed.  He attempted several times over the next 45 minutes to smooth things over. It didn't work.  And still hasn't worked.  It is nearly 4 hours later and the tears are still falling. He will be home w/in an hour and I plan on leaving.  I have no clue where I'm going to go.

He left our youngest home with me.  I know he did it because he doesn't trust me.  It is the only thing he was probably right about this morning.

1 comment:

GB's Mom said...

If you do leave, make sure I know you are safe. You are always welcome with me.