Control

This post by My Group Therapy on Taking Control hit the nail on the head for me tonight.  It is like she read my mind (okay maybe she did by this FB post) or something.

I saw H* again today.  Once again, very intense.  Very intense to be honest.  A long time trying to re-intergrate and get myself grounded enough to hear what she said.  I know she spent a lot of time talking after my session.  I can't really say right now what she did/did not say.  Processing it is tough.  And will take a few days.  Guess it is a good thing I have a therapy appt w/J* in the morning.  I had been scheduling the 2 appts back to back.  I've gotten out of the habit of doing that and need to try and do it again.  Specially as trauma work seems to be the focus on both sides.
I had planned on coming home to a quiet house.  No kids.  No husband.  Just me and the dogs.  I got a call from a friend who happened to call at just the right time.  I'm glad she had the foresight that "I did not need to be home alone. I needed company. A friend.  Someone to just be with." I ordered pizza and we sat on the deck making fun of my 10 month old psychotic puppy, complaining that it was cold after the sun went down, and just bullshitting with each other. I needed to just have some me time with a friend.  If I would have been by myself I would have went straight to bed.

I have 2 therapy appts tmw.  I have to be honest.  It will take all of my willpower to go to both appts.
In the end...I know I"m just hurting myself if I don't go.  Self destructing is something I"m good at and at the moment that seems to be a montra that I'm following. It isn't working so well for me.