When I Least Expect It

((EDITED: hit enter before I was done)

Overall, I've had several good days.  There have been moments and even hours that have been tough.  That is life.  We all....regardless of whether you struggle with depression or any sort of mental health illness....will have tough moments in life.  And in those moments, I try to remind myself...that this is what life is all about.

The longer/more good days I have the less I tend to panic when those bad moments /days hit.  And then there are moments like tonight..where I'm hit.  Unexpected.  And there is only one way out. It is in those moments that I find myself more vulnerable.  And those are the moments that tend to scare me the most. 

This evening, I spent a rather long time stopped along side the interstate.  Rational enough that I knew I needed to pull over; compose myself and continue on home.  Yet, irrational enough that it took me a very long time to "continue" on.  I knew at that moment if I countined to keep driving....it would be ugly. I attempted making a few calls to people I knew would distract me from the inevitable.  Instead; I sat for quite sometime. I didn't continue on on my own.  I had a State Trooper stop and see if I needed help.  Dear Lord, I wanted to say something more than "Sir, I pulled over because I needed to call and text someone."  He made a comment that nothing is that urgent and he knew by my plates I wasn't far from home.  I responded with a "yes, sir...I know I'm close to home.  However, I needed to compose myself. It is a tad hard to drive and have a good cry at the same time".  I assured him I would soon be on my way.  And that I indeed was okay.  He offered to check up on me in a little while at my home.  And I reassured him that it was best if he didn't.  PTSD would rear it's ugly head if a police officer came to our door...for both of my children.  I gave him my DL and cell number and welcomed him to call but please do not stop by my house.....

I received a call a few short minutes ago..