Ugliest of Days

There have been many ugly days in recent months/weeks/days.  There have been many not so ugly days where life moves foward.  Not wonderful. Not horrible.  It moves and I carry along with it.  Hoping and praying that slowly there will be a shift.

I don't want to go in to details at this point.  I know I have laid almost everything out there in past posts.  Suffice to say that today was a very ugly day.  As in very ugly.  I wanted an out.  I looked for an out at every corner, thought, feeling, ect., ect..

I got in my car to come home from work.  Weather was not good. I pulled out of the parking lot from work and into main road to go home and there was a flood of emergency vehicles.  I was not prepared for what I saw.  It has left me physcially and emotionally ill for the remainder of the evening.  I need to go to sleep and it just isn't happening.  As I close my eyes, I hear the police officers talking.  I hear the man scream at the officers to not come any closer.  I see the flashing lights all over again coming at me from all angles.  Telling the police officer that "I need to be able to move my car and get out of the middle of the chaos...NOW."  And him telling me 'no m'am we need you to stay right here. We can't have anyone move their vehicles.  And me expressing to him in a rather blunt way that I HAD TO MOVE or they would need to have more emergency personal come my way.  I truly...was in a panic.  The officer realized the urgency and made sure I got out of the area. I called my dh. He blew me off. I called my friend L* she was shoveling and turned on the scanner and said just as flurry of activity took place even more...I will call you when you get home...just lookk forward.  I spoke to my dear friend S*.......  I was not prepared to see, hear, be witness to something that I personally think about on a regular basis.

 Someone lost their son, their father, their brother, their husband.....somoene potentially lost a beloved person in their lives tonight.  (I should say that I don't know the ultimate fate of this persons actions.  However, I know that it will be life changing/altering/ending!)

My 9 year old came into my room to put something away.  He saw that I was laying awake in bed and came over and said "Mommy, can I talk to you?"  And we laid in bed and had a great conversation about his week at school.  The good, the bad, the ugly and the awesome.

It is moments like this....laying in bed next to my son that remind me....why I was not the person on that bridge this evening.  Struggle as I might on a day-in-day-out basis with suicidal ideations....I will be damned if I will let this illness take from my children the very thing that they deserve. 

And so.....I continue to fight.  Fight hard.  It is ugly most days.  And not so much many others.  I may drive my husband, best friend, and therapist out of their minds...but damn it all...I will continue to fight and get up each and every damn day. 

For my children.
For me.

*updated to add:  This person involved was drunk.  Involved in a mult-car accident a few blocks away from this bridge.  Fled the scene and decided that jumping off the bridge was the lessor of two evils.  I don't drink and therefore, it is easy for me to call people who do and do stupid shit like this fucking idiots.  It is what it is...and he could probably thanks himself for being to drunk...that is probably what saved his life.  Just like the dumbass who drove their bike into a bus a few months ago....being so drunk saved his life.