Change = Part 2

After leaving my massage on Monday with the homework assignment and my head filled with my conversation w/H*....I thought a great deal about...Change.  How was I going to do what I committed to doing.  It seemed very overwhelming.  I stressed about it for most of the day and into the evening.  At the end of the day, albiet ill, I decided that there was only one thing I could do about this particular homework assignment.  Try.  That is all I can do.  At the end of the day, that is what counted.

A few hours after I wrote this post H* sent me the following quote in an email.  She mentioned it during my massage. She couldn't remember it word for word.  I heard something similiar before.  This wasn't the quote that I was thinking about.  It is much better!!

"...and the time came when the risk it took to remain in a tightly closed bud became infinitely more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~ Anais Nin

I know what I need to do in order to change. I know what things I need to work on in my personal life, in my marriage, in therapy, all around....in everything.  I know that the tough stuff that needs to be addressed and worked through in therapy needs to be done....and damn it all it is tough stuff.  And as I mentioned change is tough.....freeking tough.

"I know what needs to be done. I know that I deserve to live my best life.  To be happy.  To be healthy.  To be pain-free.  To just BE...... 

BUT (and here is the kicker...and what H* heard me say).....I don't believe I deserve it.  I know I can...because I have.  I don't believe that I deserve it.

Over the next few weeks......I'm going to notice...

Notice when the stiff neck, headache, and racing thoughts start popping up.

Notice when the need to eat an entire pack thing of mints pops up.

Notice when I am about to start going on a swearing tyraid.

Notice when the need to stay in bed and not leave my room arises.

That is it.

Just notice and put feelings.  No judgement. Just NOTICE.....

Fear.

Anger.

Excitement.

Pissed-Offness.

Content.

It isn't as easy as I would have thought.

More to come on....

Some of the things that I've noticed as I've been "Noticing"..