Wednesday, January 4, 2012


I'm a wimp when it comes to pain.  So I think anyway.  Because of my WLS my options are VERY VERY limited.  Earlier in the week when I started having spasms in my hip/pelvis and  low back I started taking tylonal.  Very limited - since that is basically the only thing I can take for pain.

I knew yesterday I was headed in a downward spiral.  I was unable to stay on top of the pain by last night.  Pain = lack of sleep.  Pain and lack of sleep = increase depression and anxiety.  Pain, lack of sleep, increased depression/anxiety = recipe for potential disaster.

This morning I worked very hard to stay present.  Something I've been struggling  agreat deal with.  My chiro was out sick and unable to see me.  Turns out his kid was sick and he came in this afternoon for emergency patients only.

I saw H for a massage mid morning.  It was by far one of the most uncomfortable and painful massages I've ever had.  And I've had some doozy's.  My job and muscle issues tend to give me issues.  This was different.  Very different and I couldn't put words to it.  By the time I made it to Hy-Vee to meet my husband and a friend for lunch I was in tears...again.  Unable to eat my dh said "Call Dr._ and make an appt for tmw morning since he was gone today."  So I called.  His receptionist was able to hear in my voice that I wasn't doing well.  I asked for any appt tmw regardless of work schedule I would take whatever he had.  She said "do you need to be seen today? I can tell you are in a great deal of pain." I hung up the phone and made my way back to the other side of town (where I had just came from my massage appt) to see my chiro.  Bless his good-looking sweet self.  I love that man. Oh' do I ever.  By far, it was one of the most painful adjustments I've had.  He spent a great deal of time with me knowing that the pain level was high.  He told me he didn't want me working tmw but knew that I am in a tough spot financially and w/it being unpaid.  He discussed w/me his concerns and what he knows about me....that the more pain I'm in...the more depressed I become...and the equals a recipe for disaster.  He questioned the fact that I'm no longer on any type of mood stabalizer or AD and with this flare up he worries about how I will hold up.  (I'm telling you the man is a gem)

He was more than a chiropractor this afternoon and I appreciate it. He suggested I contact my therapist or psychiatrist and touch base w/them. (Which will be a waste of time since my Pdoc believes there is nothing more she can do...her words not mine.) I agreed to call in sick tmw since he was adament that I not work. And left a message at his suggestion for my therapist.  Which was counter productive bc I was in a freeking bad space, there were voicemail issues or I wasn't doing something right. I dont' really care right now.   Even though I wasn't really interested in talking to him more in depth about how I am doing...we both know that I knew he was catching on real fast.

I'm in for a very long night.  The pain I'm in right now on a scale of 1-10 would be 12+.  I can't get comfortable.  My husband gets pissy bc I have my computer in bed and "you don't look comfortable".  Well, WTH am I supposed to do?  Lay here and let my brain spin and make things worse and be bored and STILL hurt?  Or I can chat, play games on FB and do other odds and ends.  I need to do some senior pic re-edits for a family member. I've not touched them because the reality is....I am not really thinking all to clearly and want to make sure I do my best on them.  There are 'specific things' I need to do and concentrate on.

And reality is.....I want to bash my head into the wall over and over and over.  With the hope that maybe...just maybe it would hurt and take my mind of the pain in my low back and rest of my body.  That is the isn't just my back, hip, and pelivs.  It is my entire freeking body. My ENTIRE body hurts. I've started having the contraction-like pains in my right side again.  And taking tylonal is about as worthless as a crack addict sniffing candy.  I asked my husband what he had for muscle relaxers since he has chronic/severe back issues.  Of course the one medication he has is the one that I really can not be taking...ever!!!  I'm already depressed and in a hopeless downward swing where I could just drive my car right off the road...and I know from experience that taking that medication would only increase that spiral.  And having it actually help with the pain would be unlikely.

I've rambled on enough and will end.  I praying for some sort of relief.  Anything at this point.  I am not in a spot where I can afford to head back on a downward spiral to the extent that I've recently been at. Sure there are bad, pissy, all around hopeless days.  I can't go there again...and I fear that is right where I'm headed.

1 comment:

"Lil Ol' Me" said...

and...I'm soooo fucking tempted to take one of those pain meds it isn't even funny. My dh knows I can't take them and he knows I'm in a bad spot. Therefore, he has them with him...and I'm sure they won't be w/in my ability to take.

I need a bottle of fuckitol or something!