Saturday, January 21, 2012

Therapy, Psychiatrist, Medication Management ..

After a great deal of thought I have decided to make an appt with a different psychiatrist. Specifically one that is experienced with gastric bypass patients.

At my last appt the beginning of December my pdoc made it clear she had no other options for medication nor was she willing to try anything.  I understand where she is coming from. However, I do not agree.  I respect Dr. SB and have for the entire 12 yrs that she has been my psychiatrist. I do not foresee switching 100%.  My hopes are that Dr S will correlate care w/Dr. SB.   It would be awesome if my current pdoc could do this without me having to wait 3+ months for an appt.  I attempted to discuss this with her in December when I last saw her.  She wasnt hearing me and therefore it wasnt an option.  And I'm certain that my current emotional stability st that time wasnt the best either and so getting my thoughts across didn't work to my benefit.
I'm my opinion she believes that seeing my current therapist J* and continuation of DBT is what will be helpful.  I hv no doubts she is correct.

The deal is this....I am at the end of the 6 month course for DBT....the last module to be exact.   I have no plans on continuous group therapy.   It's just not happening! !

I generally see my therapist biweekly.   Sometimes more or less. Which depending upon where I am at ...depends on how much I gain or don't.  I have been in therapy for a hell of a long time.  And more recently just touched upon the tip of the iceberg.  With appts being biweekly I often feel as though it is just what I mentioned...touching upon the tip of the iceberg.  And then another 2 weeks pass and we are back at the rinse and repeat montra. We discuss from time to time what I do/don't need.  And the wall is up.....I don't know what I need.  If I don't know than how the hell am I to expect her to know?  Part of the not knowing comes from past negative therapy experiences.  And even though deep inside me I trust and respect J*....the wall is there.  As we have touched very lightly on the tip of this iceberg......another wall goes up.  The negative experiences come flooding back.  I loose insight on the trust that had been built over the last 3-4 years.  And we rinse and repeat again and again.

I know what I NEED...I just don't trust myself.  And certainly don't trust anyone else. 
There has been a shift in noticing different thoughts, feelings, physical pain, and so forth over the last 2 weeks.  I'm not ready to share them here at this point.

Severe anxiety and suicidal thoughts have ran rampant over the last several days and continue to do so.  How I will ever wait till April is beyond me.  And that isn't even saying this new Dr will treat me w/o coordination of care with my current pdoc.  Which just leads to more time.  I failed to mention that I have had a rather not-so-good experience with this Dr before my WLS.  And he is a man.  I need someone to go with me....just not my husband! !  Unfortunately, having somone go isn't an option and I can only pray that I'm in somewhat of a good space before and do not end up on the end canceling my appt.  I have a history of freaking out and canceling appts.

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