Friday, January 27, 2012

Taking My Life Back... step at a time.

Contrary to what my husband, therapist, close friend(s),psychiatrist and family, -- those who know me believe.  I do listen to them when given advice.  I don't always believe or agree.  However, it does go in and often will lay dormant for whatever time period it needs to.

Yesteday, I had an appt w/J.  Not much really to 'work on'.  More of a 'how do you get to the end of each day" type of montra.  What are some simple and easy things that you can do.

I have picked up the phone and called my PCP's office several times this week.  I need to see her, get her on the same page (up-to-date) and see if she has any way of getting me in sooner to the new psychiatrist in her clinic sooner.  Regardless, there are several different things I need to discuss w/her.  My husband gave me the ultimatum....make the appt or I will.  Few deep breathes later, I was speaking with one of her nurses and made an appt for Monday. 

Going back on lamictal, contrary to my own thoughts and beliefs....needs to happen.  Something even if it is minor needs to hold me over till April when I can get in for another opinion with Dr. S.  The thought of making an appt with my current psychiatrist, Dr. SB was to overwhelming.  I'm not very happy with her.  I want to be clear, not just bc I know J* occasionally reads my blog but bc I deep down have a love for Dr. SB, that even though I'm not to happy w/her...I understand where she is coming from and I can appreciate her stance on the entire med issue.  That being said, I also realize that going off the lamictal wasn't the best thing to do. In my head, all I could think about (and still do) is that "I was taking it as I was RX'd and still having really bad depressed days.  Still having suicidal ideation."  Here is the kicker...Off the med that is still happening.  As much as I hate to admit it, found myself verbalizing it even though I really didn't realize it till it came out of my is still happening....but it is different.  Much different.  There has been a shift from ideation to thoughts of actually doing self harm. 

This morning I called Dr. SB's office.  I made an appt for the soonest I can get in, which isn't for a month and I left a message in hopes we can do this via my therapist and phone consult.  I'm hesitant and don't believe that she will be willing to do this. I tried.  That is all I can do for today.

And the last thing I did...for me....was something that I've been contemplating and planning on for several months.  In the end, I was struggling with spending the $$ when things are tight for us to begin with.

After seeing J* yesterday, I left with a renewed commitment (okay not when I left but over the next several hours) to FIND airline tickets that were w/in my price range.  I went over my original budget of $200 but with in my 'latest budget of under $250'.  And I can't be more excited today to spend some awesome, very much needed, MOMMY only time...w/a group of wonderful women!! 

March 1st...can't come soon enough!

For today, things are a little bit lighter.  I am still struggling.  My fingers are extremely raw from picking my nails to the beds, clipping them till they can't be clipped anymore.  I've ate breakfast AND lunch.  And both were healthy.  Eating both of those 2 meals is more than I did all week.  Protien bar and dinner w/my family was all that I have been able to muster up this week.

And now...I'm off to work. Praying for a smooth afternoon.