Breathing

Do As One FB Status Reads:    Notice the space between your breaths. Hang out there for a moment or two.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Very powerful for me today.  One of the things that I notice myself doing  when I'm down and out, being triggered, PTSD crap kicking in, or just in complete freak the heck out mode is....hold my breathe. 

The last massage I had didn't go so well.  In a world of fight or flight and trying hard to stay present, I found myself holding my breathe more than a few times.  As I've mentioned before that gal I see is great.  She always says something to me about it, bringing my thoughts (and breathe) back to the table.  And on this particular day....I did exactly what the above FB status reads..."notice the space between each breathe...was it short, long, weak, strong, labored, smooth". 
~~~~~

This evening, again in a fit of furry.  PTSD raring its ugly head.  My son, crying bc of an ongoing freaking rash/open sores, my daughter wanting to go to the cell phone store and get a new phone (my sons phone took a bath in the washer....he was due for a new phone anyway.  So he will get my daughters and she will get a new one.  Thankfully, the cell company we use has some great deals on $1 phones. She is planning on using some of her babysitting money and purchasing one that is a bit nicer.)  Anyway, I was struggling.  Struggling w/my childrens needs, wants, and desires.  I WANTED to take my dd to the cell phone store but I could not bare the thought of leaving my house.  I wanted my dh to take her.  He can't.  It is in my name and to do things like get new contract/phones updated I have to go with them.  UGH UGH UGH.

I gave myself permission to come home and go to bed after my therapy appt.  Work was horrid. Chiro appt was horrid.  And therapy is just that..therapy.  It went okay but was just enough to make me want to come home and go to bed an dnot get up...ever.  I resisted that urge and other than a 20 minute hot shower...I stayed present w/what was going on.  Breathing wasn't something I was doing very well.  My dh noticed on several occasions and said "Do you always hold your breathe like that?"  That is all it takes for me to snap out of it.  For a few moments. 

~~~

I finally broke down and called my PCP's office and made an appt.  It took everything I had in me to do it.  As I stood in my kitchen in tears talking to my dh about making this appt he said "You need to do this."  And...I did.  I asked to speak to my PCP's nurse.  I got someone different.  However, she  was who I need to speak with this afternoon.  I have an appt. on Monday.  I have no expectations going in.  My dh was going to go with me. However, he has an appt at the same time that he has had to reschedule 2 different times bc of sick kids.  And he is not willing to change it.  I'm praying for the strength to lay it all out there.  I can only hope and pray that I'm in a space that I can do that.  Today or tmw...that would SOOOO not happen.  We shall see.  And....I will remember to breathe!!

~~~~~~~~~